Chapter 20
twenty
LIAM
Tap. Tap tap. Tap tap tap. Tap.
It sounds like morse code.
“What is that? I ask.
Maya blows out a deep breath and lets go of my hips. “The code I taught Poppy. It means she needs me.”
She slides out from under me and quickly puts a T-shirt on, my T-shirt, the one that was most recently used as a muzzle.
Poppy needs Maya? If she needs anything, why wouldn’t she come to me? And then I realize that maybe she did. What would she think if she went to my room and I wasn’t there?
“Get up,” Maya whisper-yells. “And get in the closet.”
“What? I’m not hiding from my daughter.”
“Trust me. You want to hide that.” She points at my erection. “If seven-year-old me saw one of those, I’d be scarred for life.”
I look down, realize she’s correct, and with more shame than ever, hide in the closet.
“Hi, sweetie,” I hear Maya say after she lets Poppy in. I can partially see through the slats in the closet door, but everything’s distorted. “What’s wrong?”
“I had a scary dream, and Daddy’s gone,” Poppy whimpers.
Shit. She did go looking for me. I can’t believe I let her down like that.
“You’re dad’s fine, sweetie. He told me he was gonna be next door with Theo tonight. So I’m in charge of keeping you and Penguin safe, okay?”
It’s impressive how fast Maya can think on her feet. I was about to jump out of the closet with a “surprise, Dad’s here!” any second.
“You’re sure? He didn’t leave ‘cause he doesn't want me anymore?”
What?
“Of course not. Why would you ever think that?”
I see Maya bend down to sit on the floor. She leans back against the wall and pulls Poppy against her chest.
“My mommy didn’t want me anymore and she left.”
Maya’s eyes flick to the closet. I know she can’t see me but I wish she could. She shouldn’t be having this conversation, especially not without me. I wait for some kind of signal, her telling me to come out even if it may traumatize my daughter. What the fuck am I doing?
“Did someone tell you that, sweetie? That she didn’t want you?”
“I heard the teachers talking at school.”
“That fucking school,” Maya murmurs, then winces when Poppy gasps at the curse word. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that. I’m just upset.”
“Why?”
“Because those teachers don’t know what they’re talking about. I know your mommy isn’t around anymore, but I promise that has nothing to do with you. You are the most lovable little girl I have ever met.”
Again, Maya shocks me with her ability to always know what to say. It’s my fault that Poppy has questions about her mom. When she left, Poppy was still a baby. If I’m being honest, I was kind of hoping she wouldn’t remember her, that she’d never feel the loss. And I don’t think she actually does remember her, but of course it doesn’t go unnoticed that every other kid at school has a mom.
Did I really think if I just ignored it Poppy would never wonder? Of course she feels abandoned.
Poppy wasn’t planned. Her mom and I were together a lot longer than we should’ve been, but it was never love, just distraction. It was the kind of relationship I never want Poppy to have, the kind I don’t even want her to know about. But avoiding that conversation is only hurting my daughter. At some point I’ll have to face it head on.
I hear them continue talking, but now it’s all hushed whispers, words I can’t make out. Not until…
“You’ll never leave us. Right, Princess Maya?”
I hold my breath, stick my ear to the door so I don’t miss her response.
“This isn’t my home, sweetie. You know I’m just here for a little while until Aunt Ellie gets better.”
“But don’t you like it here?”
“I love it here. And I can promise you that whenever I do leave, I will always come back, okay?”
“You will? When?”
“Whenever you want. I’ll come back for Halloween so we can dress up together, and I’ll come anytime you need me to do your hair. Even if you just want someone to eat brownies with, I promise I’ll come.”
“But will you be far away? How will you know I need you if I can’t do the knock?”
“You know Aunt Ellie is my best friend, right?” I think I see Poppy nod, but it’s hard to tell. “But we don’t always get to see each other. We even went a whole year apart, but it never stopped us from being best friends. You and I will be just like that.”
It hits me then, the memories of Ellie telling Theo how much she missed her best friend, how she was always traveling around the world and barely stayed put somewhere long enough to visit. Is that what my future looks like? Waiting and hoping that Maya will come back to see me? Wondering if I’m worth the visit?
“We’ll be best friends?” Poppy asks, interrupting my pity-party.
“The bestest.” Poppy’s leaning into Maya so hard I can’t see where one of them ends and the other begins. I hear Poppy yawn. It sounds forced but I know it’s real. She’s always so dramatic with her sleepiness. “How about you go downstairs and get in your dad’s bed with Penguin? And that way when he gets back from next door he’ll see you right away.”
“Okay,” Poppy slurs. “Love you, Princess Maya.”
“I love you too, Pop-tart. You can always knock if you need me.”
When I hear the door click shut I step out of the closet. Maya is still leaning against the wall, a flurry of emotions clouding her face.
“That was?—”
“Sorry,” she cuts me off. “I’m so sorry if I said anything wrong. That really caught me off guard. Please don’t be mad.”
“Mad?” I rush over, join her on the floor and wrap my arms around her. “You were amazing. I obviously need to have a conversation with her about her mom, but you were perfect. Truly.”
“Really? I was so scared I was fucking it all up. I mean, shit. I said fuck.” She pulls back, covers her mouth with her hand.
I just laugh, leaning back against the wall. “Do you have any idea how many times I’ve slipped up in front of her? It’s fine.”
“Well,” she starts. “You should probably go down there, make sure she’s not scared by herself.”
“I know my daughter. She’s already out like a light.”
“Oh, okay.”
I take a long moment to study Maya’s face, try to claw my way into her thoughts. Sometimes, she’s so easy to read, but right now she’s guarded. Not giving anything away.
“What you said to her, about coming back. Where are you going, Maya?”
The thought of her leaving feels like a gut punch. But she’s right. She doesn’t live here. It’s all temporary. I just wish it wasn’t.
“I don’t know,” she sighs. “Back to New York? Somewhere else? The world is my oyster.” She singsong’s the phrase like it’s the saddest thing in the world.
“What’s home for you?”
She scoffs. “I used to think of home as Ellie. Our apartment in San Francisco was always my happiest place. But now she has this whole life, this family I’m not a part of. The truth is I have no idea where home is. What it even looks like. I have no idea where I belong.”
Anger sears through my chest. I think about what she just told Poppy, how lovable she is. Where the hell is Maya’s family and why don’t they see the same thing in her? How can this vibrant, selfless woman not have the entire world vying for her affection?
“What if you belong here?” I test the words quietly, but they feel right. “What if we want you to be a part of this family?”
An aching sound escapes her mouth and she stands.
“Don’t. Don’t say that.”
I get to my feet. “Why?”
“Because you can’t just say things like that.”
“Why not?” I cup her face, stop her from moving any further away from me. The last thing I want is space right now. Not when all I can think about is how many hundreds of miles away she’s planning to go.
Maybe she’s right. It’s too soon, too early. But is it? We’ve been dancing around our feelings for each other for weeks. Why can’t we just say what we want? Maybe we want the same thing.
“Because I want it too bad.” She swallows thickly, shakes her head. “Because I let a man cheat on me for years just hoping I’d still get my happy ending. Because I almost married an asshole who didn’t give a shit about me. Because I was so desperate for someone to want me, so desperate to be part of a family , even with a man I knew I didn’t love.” Tears prick the corners of her eyes, but she seems adamant not to let them fall. “And when you say things like that, I want it. I want it so bad that I think I might actually be ready for a relationship again. But I don’t know if I can trust myself anymore. I have no idea how to know if it’s real, or if I’m just going to end up alone again, feeling more foolish than the last time.”
“You don’t think this is real?” She tries to pull away but I grasp onto the back of her neck, forcing her to look at me. “You think I’d say that to you on a whim?”
“No, I just?—”
“You’re not sure how you feel about me?”
“That’s not?—”
I kiss her before she can finish. Because I’m not sure I want the answer. To my absolute delight, she kisses me back. It’s feverish, her lips trying to convey what her words can’t. It assures me this isn’t over. She might not trust her own feelings yet, but I know they’re real. I know I have a chance.
I pull back, let my forehead rest against hers.
“There’s no rush, beautiful. We can go as slow as you want.”
“Okay.”
My lips brush her temple. Every part of me is dying to drag her back into that bed, but I force myself not to.
“I’m gonna go check on Poppy. I’ll see you in the morning.”
Before I can stop myself, I head downstairs.