8. Chapter 8
“I’m really sorry, Krys.” Miri’s voice drifted through the phone speaker, uncharacteristically quiet and sober.
Krystal settled further into the lounge chair in a deserted area of the Middle Waters Resort where she’d sought refuge for a call with Miri instead of joining all her colleagues for the conference lunch.
Her purpose was two-fold: she’d wanted to hear how Miri’s ongoing search for a rescue dog had gone, since she was supposed to visit a shelter today.
And she’d also been in dire need of her best friend’s wisdom.
She’d given Miri a brief overview of the day before, including some of what she’d learned about Ceth from the awkward dinner.
She hadn’t gone into all the details, since it wasn’t her story to share, even if Jonas seemed to think it was fair game.
But she’d shared the gist of it, namely Ceth’s reputation for enjoying casual flings. “Sorry for what?”
“I know this isn’t working out the way you were probably hoping.”
“Well, I was hoping to get to talk to Ceth and apologize. And I did. That worked out better than I could have expected, really.” Krystal forced a smile, even though Miri couldn’t see her.
“Krystal…” Miri’s tone turned reproachful. Turns out she could see through Krystal, even when she wasn’t here to actually see her.
When Krystal didn’t respond right away, Miri huffed out a sigh. “For the past eight years, you’ve been carrying a torch for Ceth big enough to light all the beacons of Gondor.”
“Nerd,” Krystal muttered.
“Don’t change the subject!” Miri grumbled. “You wanted her when you lived together, even though you weren’t ready to admit it yet. And I think, deep down, you’ve wanted her ever since then.” Her voice grew quieter. “Even when we were together.”
Krystal’s heart sank. “Miri, no. I—”
“No, don’t get me wrong,” Miri interrupted.
“You were a great girlfriend, especially when we were both so clueless and new to the whole sapphic relationship thing. And you were the literal best when I was figuring out my asexuality. You were so supportive and understanding. But I think some part of you was also…”
“Was what?” Krystal sat up straighter and leaned forward in the chair.
“Relieved.”
Krystal sucked in a breath.
“Relieved that I didn’t need or want you to love me in a sexually intimate way. Because deep down, you’ve only ever wanted Ceth like that.”
Krystal’s eyes squeezed shut of their own volition.
“It’s okay, Krystal. I think part of me realized that you wanted her in all those ways, even when that wasn’t an option, but it never really bothered me.
” Miri gave a dry chuckle. “Maybe the fact that it didn’t bother me was yet another indicator that we weren’t meant to be romantic partners. It worked out for the best.”
“Yeah, but Miri…” Krystal’s stomach churned, “even if you and I weren’t supposed to work out, I hate to think that back then you felt like you were a second choice. Or worse, that I was somehow exploiting this really important part of your identity because I was hung up on someone else.”
“It didn’t feel like that, Krys. We were both figuring ourselves out. That’s all. And as for exploiting me, I know you never could in a million years. No one else in my whole life has ever been there for me the way you have.”
Miri’s voice turned a little watery, and Krystal’s eyes started to sting. But Miri quickly cleared her throat. “Besides, we’ve been friends since forever. You know full well that if I felt you were in the wrong about something, I’d bust your ass about it.”
“Zealously,” Krystal agreed, choking out a laugh.
“So, back to the topic at hand. We both agree you’ve been pining for Ceth all this time.”
Krystal didn’t remember agreeing to that, but she couldn’t really argue it either.
“And it must’ve sucked to see her again,” Miri continued, “and to think for a minute you had a shot with her only to find out she’s not the relationship type.”
That sums it up. Krystal sank back into the lounger again. She could pointlessly protest it all she wanted, but the fact is, she had let herself dream up a wild, na?ve fantasy that Ceth would be interested in her.
But alongside that broken dream, another, maybe wilder one was beginning to brew. Miri was right: Krystal had been wanting Ceth all this time and now they were both here.
“What if I meet Ceth on her own terms, then?” Her heart began to thump faster, just from saying it out loud.
“What do you mean?”
Krystal bit her lip. “Even if things didn’t go the way I’d hoped, I’m not ready to give up this chance. Probably the only one I’ll ever get. If Ceth is only interested in casual flings, then maybe that’s what I should give her.”
There was a long pause, followed by: “Are you being serious right now?”
“I am,” Krystal answered, nodding slowly.
“Krys, you’re so impulsive sometimes.”
When Krystal drew in a sharp breath, Miri hurried to say, “And that works for you usually.”
Miri knew how many times Krystal had been accused of being impulsive. Flighty. Overemotional. Either too enthusiastic in her excitement and passion or too overwrought in her anxiety. One way or another, always too much.
“But this is different,” Miri pressed on. “You could really get hurt! You’ve got to think this through.”
“Why do you think I’m on the phone with you, to ask about the weather back home?” Krystal joked, trying to ease the tension.
“I’m serious!” Miri shot back. Her voice grew louder. “If you want to try out casual sex, great. Go for it! But it’s never going to be casual with someone you actually have feelings for.”
Krystal closed her eyes. “I hear you, Miri. Really, I do. I know I could be setting myself up for heartbreak, and there’s a good chance Ceth won’t even want this with me anyway.
But…I don’t think I can stand the thought of leaving here in a few days and going the rest of my life without ever finding out.
” She squeezed the phone, surprised to find her hand shaking.
“You were right, okay? I haven’t really stopped thinking about her in all this time, and if this is the only way I can have her, then so be it. ”
“Completely on Ceth’s terms, without leaving space for what’s healthy or safe for you,” Miri said. “How is that any different from Elgin? Ceth was the one who pointed out the problems with that situation. You told me that yourself!”
“That was different!” Krystal argued hotly. “I was young and inexperienced with Elgin. I wasn’t ready yet.”
“But you think you’re ready for this?” Miri asked in a flat tone.
“I want this, Miri. I want Ceth. Even if it’s only for a short while. I’d rather have that than nothing.” The certainty and conviction in her voice surprised even her, but she felt it resonating deep in her chest. Even if this was a mistake. Even if she got hurt. She had to try.
Miri released a long sigh. “Okay. If that’s what you want. I won’t argue with you anymore. Just…do me a favor and try to be careful. I don’t want to see that big heart of yours get crushed. And whatever happens, you know I’m here for you, right?”
“I know.” Krystal blinked back the moisture forming in the corner of her eyes. “I know you are. And I love you.”
“Love you too,” Miri answered. “Keep me posted, yeah?”
“Of course.”
The call ended and Krystal dropped her head against the back of the lounger. She and Miri rarely disagreed in any significant way, and it always took a lot out of her when they did.
Especially when she knew Miri was probably right.
Attempting a causal fling with Ceth did sound disastrous.
But now that the idea was in her head, it was all she could think about.
Having one or maybe even two nights of touching, exploring, experiencing Ceth…
it sounded like a dream. So what if it wouldn’t mean as much to Ceth as it would to her?
Completely on Ceth’s terms, without leaving space for what’s healthy or safe for you. How is that any different from Elgin? Ceth was the one who pointed out the problems with that situation.
The fact that Miri would bring up such a sensitive memory was yet another sign of how worried she was. Krystal had hardly ever talked about it.
Elgin had been her first real boyfriend.
She’d gone all through high school and college without much interest in dating, but when she’d met the brooding, dark-haired Elgin in the grad school library, she’d been drawn to him.
He was a brilliant student without ever seeming to try, and she spent half her time with him feeling like he thought she was a cute idiot, judging by the sarcastic jabs he’d sometimes throw her way.
But the other half of the time, she was flattered to be the one he chose to lean on during his frequent depressive episodes.
It was a little over a month after they started dating that he lost patience with her hesitation to sleep with him. The questioning and cajoling became more and more frequent.
Why do I get the idea you’re not serious about us or anything else?
Are you really going to let some backward ideas your family tried to brainwash you with keep you from being with me? I thought you’d moved past all that.
I thought you said you cared about me!
And she did care about him. So she did what he wanted.
That first time didn’t last long, and she’d felt gross and uncomfortable afterwards. She tried not to let on how upset she was, but Elgin picked up on it and suggested she go back to her own place for the rest of the night.
That’s how Ceth ended up finding Krystal sitting in tears on their sofa at two o’clock in the morning.
Even though she and Ceth hadn’t known each other long and hadn’t talked that often yet, when Ceth had asked what was wrong, her dark eyes full of kindness and concern, Krystal blubbered out the whole story.
Ceth listened and let Krystal hash out her feelings—one of the biggest being embarrassment for freaking out over something that should have been special and making her boyfriend uncomfortable in the process.
When she was done with her outburst, part of Krystal had expected Ceth to look at her with scorn or ridicule, but instead, Ceth’s lips were pressed in a firm line. “Krystal, you don’t have anything to be embarrassed about. More importantly, Elgin shouldn’t have pressured you like that.”
“H-he didn’t pressure me,” Krystal stammered. “It’s normal for two people who care about each other to be intimate. I was only hesitating because of my old hangups, just like he said.”
Ceth shook her head. “It doesn’t matter whether it was your beliefs or anything else holding you back; you weren’t ready yet. And he should have respected that!”
The intensity flashing in Ceth’s eyes was mesmerizing, and Krystal could only stare. But Ceth interpreted her reaction as alarm and immediately apologized.
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to go off on you when you’re already not feeling well.” She reached over and squeezed Krystal’s hand. “Do you want to go to sleep now?”
When Krystal admitted that she didn’t, Ceth made them both hot chocolate and put a comedy show on TV. She stayed up watching it with Krystal for the rest of the night.
Krystal jumped when the phone still in her hand jingled an alarm to remind her to get to the next conference session. She silenced it and stood to go back inside, but her thoughts were still half in the past.
Even when Ceth had barely been more than an acquaintance, she’d shown Krystal more care and concern than her own boyfriend had. Was it any wonder Krystal had never been able to get Ceth out of her head?