14. Chapter 14 #2
Well, Krystal should have known.
Ceth hadn’t really changed all that much. She would have stayed up all night helping Krystal all those years ago too, because that’s simply who Ceth was.
Still, Krystal hadn’t completely lied about the presentation and her feelings about it. She probably would have been nervous and restless tonight if Ceth hadn’t distracted her. And now she didn’t have much choice but to dig into those feelings.
Scooting away from the desk, Krystal swiveled the chair to face Ceth better.
Belatedly, she realized the movement placed her right in Ceth’s personal space, since she was intently leaning forward in her own chair.
But Ceth didn’t back away, so Krystal did her best to ignore the way her pulse picked up at Ceth’s closeness so she could focus on gathering her thoughts.
“This is basically my first serious non-church job. Around the time Blaine and I were ending things, I was searching for a teaching job, but I was having trouble finding one. So, I thought maybe I was meant to go back home and back to church music again.”
She couldn’t help pausing to snort at her own past attitude.
“If I thought I didn’t quite fit in with my old community before I went away to college and grad school, I absolutely didn’t after I went back.
My perspectives had changed more than I could have realized.
The things they taught and believed about people who acted and thought differently than they did simply didn’t ring true anymore. ”
Krystal fell silent for a moment. Those first few months of living around the attitude and rhetoric she’d once seen as familiar had been jarring.
Even before Miri confessed the truth about being gay to Krystal, and even before Krystal was ready to finally admit her sexuality out loud, she would think of Ceth.
She knew how her church community and family viewed people like Ceth: with judgment.
As something that needed healing or fixing.
And it turned Krystal’s stomach inside out.
Giving her head a shake, Krystal returned her focus to the conversation, grateful for the way Ceth had given her space to process as she shared.
“Obviously the whole thing fell apart. And when I decided to leave, my family was upset with me. My mom, in particular, accused me of running away from what I knew was the right way. That I thought I knew my own mind, but I was lying to myself. And that things would never work out for me until I fixed my life.”
“That must have been hard to listen to,” Ceth murmured.
“It was,” Krystal agreed with a slow nod.
“It felt like she was almost wishing for my failure just because she didn’t agree with my choices.
And even though I know that was harmful.
Even though I don’t believe like they do anymore, that there’s a God that sits around with nothing better to do than sabotage people’s lives until they do whatever He wants… ”
Krystal paused and frowned in frustration.
“Her words still got in your head and under your skin,” Ceth supplied.
Her gaze moved to Ceth’s serious face. Even with their vastly different backgrounds, Krystal knew Ceth understood what it was like to carry around hurtful, discouraging messages from the people who were supposed to be your biggest encouragers.
She wondered if Ceth still had to deal with that, but realized it probably wasn’t the time to pry.
“Yeah, it got under my skin. So even now, after a few years of doing this and that job but making it okay and after a year of really finding my stride here at FunDaze, I feel like I need to prove myself. Like if I do this thing tomorrow well, it will show that I’m not failing.”
Ceth leaned forward and placed a hand on Krystal’s. Her tone was so gentle, it settled into Krystal’s chest and comforted her yet made her heart ache too. “That’s a lot of pressure to put on yourself….and a lot of weight to give to this one task tomorrow.”
“I know. It’s silly.” Krystal shook her head.
She’d had a few people trivialize these hangups she had from her past. Elgin was probably the most vocal, but there were others.
They wondered why she made such a big deal about how she was raised.
They thought she was dramatic because she couldn’t just get over it and move on now that she had different beliefs and thoughts of her own.
“No, it’s not silly,” Ceth answered so firmly that Krystal looked up.
Ceth frowned in deep thought. “I never had a worldview about some guiding force in life…fate, God, or anything like that. At most, I think there’s good and bad luck, and sometimes I’m not even sure which is which.
But if you still have some of those beliefs about your life path and your choices, I don’t see what’s wrong with that.
Maybe you’re doing well here because you are where you’re supposed to be.
And even if things don’t go well tomorrow—which I think they will—that doesn’t have to negate the good that’s come from your work so far.
Failure and success aren’t that two dimensional.
It sounds like you’ve done a massive load of work on yourself and come a long way, so I think you can trust yourself to take whatever happens tomorrow in stride and make the most of it. ”
For a few beats, Krystal could only stare at Ceth.
She’d forgotten how patient and giving she could be when Krystal needed it.
In their past friendship, Ceth would always try to meet Krystal where she was, never judging despite their differences.
And she was still that way now, even after eight years of no communication. Even after a wild and confusing night.
Confusing, at least for Krystal.
When Krystal didn’t answer, Ceth coughed out a self-deprecating laugh. “I’m probably not making much sense. I’ll bet you won’t ever ask for my help at four in the morning again.”
“No, it makes perfect sense.” Krystal flipped over her hand and squeezed Ceth’s. “Thank you.”
By some strange turn of events, she was sitting here in a hotel room holding hands with Cethlenn O’Malley, and somehow nothing had ever felt like it made more sense.