21. Chapter 21
Krystal checked the time on her phone then dropped her arm to her side with a frustrated huff.
Five thirty-seven am. Just three minutes after the last time she’d checked. She could swear the digital numbers were mocking her at this point.
She’d been pacing the side porch of the Sugar Maple Lodge for the past hour now after lying awake next to Ceth for who knows how long. When she couldn’t take staying still any longer but was afraid of waking Ceth like she had that first night, she’d thrown on some clothes and left the room.
That’s when she’d noticed there was a door leading to the side porch almost directly across from the room, so she’d escaped out there to have her meltdown in peace and wait for morning.
She checked her phone yet again. Five forty-eight. Ugh. Well, that was practically six, right? She’d just have to put Miri’s goodwill to the test, as usual.
With a few shaky swipes, she pulled up her favorites list and dialed. The phone seemed to ring forever. Her pulse pounded as she waited and kept pacing. Come on, Miri. Pick up!
She was just about to end the call and try again when the ringing stopped. “K-krys? What’s going on?”
Krystal felt a twinge of guilt at the sound of Miri’s sleepy voice. “Miri, I’m sorry to wake you up.”
“Are you in trouble?”
Krystal bit her lip. “Not physically, no. I’m safe.”
“Okay. Good.” A relieved sigh rustled through the phone’s speaker before Miri’s voice got several decibels louder. “Krystal, it’s not even six am yet!”
“I know. I know.” Krystal grimaced. “I’m sorry! But I didn’t sleep at all last night.”
“Oh really.” Miri’s tone grew lighter and teasing even as she yawned. “Things are going that well with Ceth?”
Krystal groaned. “You have no idea! It’s been…” she struggled to find a description for the past several days.
“That good, huh?”
“Yes. We’ve been…intimate. Like a lot.” Krystal’s cheeks heated.
“Ooh! Tell me more. It’s the least you can do for waking me up in the middle of the night.”
Krystal rolled her eyes. “It is not the middle of the night. And you’re the dirtiest minded asexual person I know.”
Miri cackled. “I’ll own that badge with honor.” After a few seconds, she calmed down. “So what’s the problem?”
“It’s not just sex. We’ve been getting close.
It’s like when we were roommates and friends all over again but even better because now I’m not hiding from who I am.
” She leaned against the porch wall. “It felt like things could have been shifting for both of us. Like we could start fresh and maybe even try for something serious. But now…”
“Now?” Miri prompted.
“Last night I realized Ceth remembers the argument that ended our friendship, even though she told me she didn’t. Worse than that, I think it may have really stuck with her.” Krystal rubbed a hand over her forehead and eyes.
Ceth had been half asleep when she’d said she thought she was the last person on earth Denise would trust with the safety of her park visitors.
Sure, that was a turn of phrase people used every day. But there was a bitter, even haunted tinge to Ceth’s voice that made it feel like her using it was much more than coincidence.
“I think she may have been carrying around the awful things I said back then all these years.” Krystal sank onto a nearby chair and slumped down. “She probably hates me.”
“Krys, stop it,” Miri snapped then paused.
Even in her distressed state, Krystal could tell Miri was taking a deep breath to collect her patience.
“It’s highly unlikely Ceth hates you. You just said she’s been sleeping with you and that the non-sex part of your time together has been good too.
Would all that be happening if she hated you? ”
“I guess not,” Krystal mumbled, biting her lip. The reasonable part of her brain latched onto Miri’s logic, but the rest was still flipping out.
“You haven’t told her what was really going on with you back when you had the big argument, have you?”
Krystal shook her head vigorously as if Miri could actually see her. “No! That’s not the kind of thing you dump on someone when you’re supposed to be casual.”
Miri sighed. “Well I think last night was a good indication that it’s past time you tell her.”
“But Miri. I—”
“You need to tell her,” Miri interrupted. “And then you need to be honest about the feelings you’re having now.”
“I don’t know what I’m feeling now!” Krystal wailed.
Then she cringed as she glanced at the building beside her where dozens of people were probably still asleep because they weren’t having a meltdown.
She lowered her voice. “How am I supposed to know what I’m feeling?
I was so confused when I first knew her.
And these past few days we’ve just been having a-a… fling.”
The word fling had come out so feebly that Krystal wasn’t even convinced by it, and Miri probably wasn’t either. She didn’t even bother calling her out on it.
Leaning back in the chair, Krystal covered her face again. “I just really suck at understanding and trusting my own feelings. You know that.”
“Bullshit!”
Miri’s response was so sharp, that Krystal jumped and nearly dropped her phone. “Huh?”
Miri’s tone lowered the way it only did when she was being absolutely serious. “Who was that who followed her heart right out of the community that raised her?”
Krystal scoffed. “I was following your lead. You were already doing the research and figuring out you were queer when I didn’t have the guts to admit it about myself. And you even owned up to who you were in front of church leadership.”
“Yeah, because they basically forced it on me. But you were the one who chose to walk away.”
Dropping her hand, Krystal gazed out across the resort grounds outside the porch, really looking for the first time since she’d burst out here.
The trees swayed in the morning breeze and several tiny birds fluttered and chirped in the nearby hedges.
The scene calmed her as her thoughts turned back to that day several years ago, when she’d left behind the community she’d once considered family.
Going back to attend and serve on the worship team at her old church after grad school had been a struggle when she didn’t feel like she fit in or believed the same things anymore.
But she’d tried to make it work. Being able to sing while Miri played the keyboard was one of the only bright spots to make it bearable.
But Miri had gotten more and more open about her support for queer people and her exploration of her own identity until the church leadership confronted her about it. They’d tried to hold a meeting with just Miri, but Krystal had found out about it and all but forced her way into it too.
Two pastors and three church elders—all men, of course—raised their concerns about Miri’s behavior and questioned outright if she was a lesbian.
After more probing and, in Krystal’s opinion, inappropriate questions, Miri admitted she was queer and didn’t believe anything was wrong with that.
When they gave her the opportunity to reconsider and repent, she refused.
So they fired her from the worship team and strongly suggested she leave the church altogether.
Krystal shook her head. “You were so brave that day, Miri. I was proud of you.”
“But do you remember what you said?” Miri prompted. “Because I know I won’t ever forget it.”
Krystal closed her eyes as she thought about it. “I don’t know. They tried to adjourn the meeting like it was business as usual and simply dismissed you, and I got mad and said the whole thing was ridiculous or something. Naturally, they told me I was being disrespectful and overemotional.”
“That’s right,” Miri said. “And instead of sitting down and shutting up like they wanted, you went full Joan of Arc on them. You said, ‘My whole life, I’ve been raised to ask what would Jesus do. And nothing I’ve ever known or read about him says he would reject a beautiful, wise, and loving soul just because of who she is.
But maybe I’ve been wrong about him all along.
All I know is I’m not letting my best friend face this alone, and I would never reject her.
If God really expects that, then he’s the one I don’t want anything to do with. ’”
“Wow, you really do remember,” Krystal said hoarsely.
“’Course I do.” Miri sniffled. “No one else stood with me. None of the friends we grew up with. Not Mick, with all his big talk that he’d always be there for every member of the worship team. Not even my aunt. Just you.”
Heat spread up the back of Krystal’s neck and she picked at a loose thread on her shorts.
“I mean…I had one foot out the door anyway. I’d even visited a few progressive churches that were affirming and open to questioners.
And it wasn’t a hard choice anyway. I love you, Miri.
I always have and always will. How could anything matter more than that? ”
Miri’s voice was huskier as she answered. “I know that. And I love you too, even when you’re being a giant sap.”
Krystal let out a watery laugh.
“And because I love you and know you so well,” Miri pressed on, after clearing her throat, “I know for a fact that you understand how to trust your own feelings. I know we were taught a lot of crap about that when we were younger, but I know the truth. When it really matters, you have a wise and open heart, and you know when to follow it.”
A shuddery breath shook through Krystal’s chest. “Thank you, Miri.”
“So be honest with me. What was it you felt when you first saw Ceth again?”
“I wanted her.” There was no point in denying that part.
“And now? What do you feel when you think about her now?”
Krystal leaned her head back against the chair.
A dozen images filled her mind. Memories from years ago and thoughts of the present day too.
Ceth sitting up and talking with her, making her laugh when she was spiraling.
Ceth laughing when they danced to the old jukebox the other day.
The affection in her eyes when she talked about Roan.
All that passionate intensity she kept deep under the surface but let spill out in her unguarded moments, when she worked on things that really mattered to her, when she kissed Krystal, when she came apart under Krystal’s touch.
“Love,” Krystal whispered, the word and all that went with it nearly catching in her throat.
“When I think of her, I feel love. There’s just so much about her, things I didn’t even know or understand about loving and caring for another person until I met her.
And these past few days have been…everything. ”
“So what are you going to do?”
“I need to talk to her. She deserves to know the truth, Miri. You were right.”
Miri hummed. “Yep, I know I was.”
Krystal ignored Miri’s smugness as her heart began pounding with anticipation of what needed to happen. “But Miri?”
“Yes?”
“What if it’s too much? What if I’m too much?”