Chapter 14
Chapter Fourteen
Deanna
I ’ve said these words to my kids. I used to say them to my parents before I realized they were too self-absorbed to care. About a hundred years ago, I said them to Kyle, until he beat all the good feelings out of me. Saying them to Luke? I’m so fucking scared I can’t stop shaking.
“I love you.”
He’s quiet for a second, just watching my face. Then his lips part in a dazzling smile. “Is that what you’re so worked up about? Telling me you love me?”
“Well, yeah,” I say. Have I seriously worried myself to death about making this big confession when he’s all Han Solo, “I know”? “That’s kind of a big deal. Don’t you think it’s a big deal?”
People are starting to look at us, so I grab his hand and pull him off to the side, away from prying eyes. The minute we’re out of sight of everyone else, he leans in and kisses me.
When he pulls back, he says, “It is. It’s absolutely a big deal. And I’ve been sitting on those three little words for weeks because I was afraid of rushing you. This stuff with us? We’re not just playing house temporarily. I’m ready to make it permanent, but not until you’re ready and not until you feel certain your kids are ready. Because I know they come first.”
I put my hand in the middle of his chest and push him back. “What three little words? Because right now I’m the only one who has said them.”
He reaches out, brushing the hair off my forehead, cradling my cheek in his hand. “I love you, Deanna. I think I have from the first second I saw you… and when you’re ready to talk about getting married again, or moving into my house with the kids, then we will. But I’m not going to push you. I’m just going to be grateful to have you in my life.”
“Addie would do it tomorrow,” I tell him. “She already told me that she wished you were her daddy.”
“Then I will be. Blood doesn’t mean a damn thing when it comes to that… But Malcolm is the sticking point, isn’t he?”
I nod my head. I can feel tears burning my eyes. “He likes you. He respects you. But he doesn’t trust easily, and that’s got nothing to do with you, Luke. He’s seen a hell of a lot more—gone through a hell of a lot more. I wasn’t strong enough to protect him from all of that.”
That’s something that eats away at me every day. My sweet, nearly grown boy who has a heart of gold, but he’s seen so much of the ugliness in this world because his own father wallowed in it. Now he has a good man in his life, a man who can show him what it really means to be one, and he doesn’t trust it. Because nothing good in our lives has ever lasted.
“Don’t,” Luke says.
“Don’t what?”
“Don’t go to that dark place in your mind where you start seeing how it all falls apart. You’re not in it alone. I’m here, Dee. I’m here and I’m not going any goddamn where.”
By the time we get back to the apartment, it’s time for Luke’s regular shift to start. So he walks me to the door, kisses me senseless, and then heads back out.
Letting myself in, I can see Malcolm asleep on the couch. Addie is curled up next to him, sleeping the boneless way only a child can. Arms and legs splayed every which way and her mouth hanging open. But the second I step inside, Malcolm’s eye cracks open, always watchful.
“How’s Luke?” he asks.
I motion toward the kitchen and he gets up and follows me in there. I pull a loaf of bread from the cabinet, a jar of peanut butter. He gets the jam and the milk from the fridge. Midnight PB&J sandwiches have been our thing for a long time. Some of our best talks have taken place just this way.
“He’s okay. It was Cam who got hurt,” I tell him. “But it was still a close call.”
Malcolm nods. “You’re not just dating him, are you? I mean, it’s more than that. Like I know he was supposedly staying here just to help keep us safe, but I don’t think that’s it anymore.”
“It isn’t. I never expected this, Mal. I never expected to have feelings like this for someone. I thought that part of my life was over,” I tell him.
“Jesus, Mom. It’s not like you're ancient,” he says with a grimace. “I mean, you’re plenty old, but still?—”
I peel off a piece of the crust from my sandwich and flick it at him. “Ha ha. Seriously, Malcolm, I need to know if you’re okay with this… with the possibility of us all having a future with Luke.”
He crosses his arms over his chest and leans back against the counter. “It doesn’t matter how I feel.”
“It does!”
“No,” he insists. “It doesn’t. I’m almost seventeen. I’ve got another year here and then I’m off to college. We know I’m getting a basketball scholarship somewhere. Maybe not UK or even U of L, but one of the smaller in-state colleges will pick me up. Then it’s just you, Addie, and him. So, you can’t make decisions about your future with him based on what I think when I’m not even gonna be here.”
“You’re a good kid, Malcolm.”
“Not a kid.”
I laugh. “You’ll always be my little boy.”
His expression grows serious. “If there’s anything that we learned from having to live with Kyle, it’s that there aren’t any guarantees. It can all go to shit in a second. Might as well grab on to the good while you can.”