Chapter 12
CHAPTER TWELVE
“Welcome home.” Scott opened the front door as we arrived back at the house a few hours later.
“Yeah, thanks,” I muttered and brushed past him, not in the mood for small talk.
“I’m going to hop in the shower. Is that okay, Liv?” Alice asked me softly.
I nodded. “Yeah, I’m going to grab some water and go out to the rocking chair in the backyard. I’ll be up in a bit.”
“Okay.” She nodded.
I watched as Scott escorted her down the hallway.
I sighed and then walked to the kitchen and looked through the fridge for some food.
I grabbed a bottle of water and some string cheese and headed out to the backyard to rock my bad mood away.
The sky was beautiful tonight, almost majestic in its deep, velvety blackness.
I stared at the twinkling stars and sat back, enjoying the cool breeze that caressed my face.
“So, you made it home safely, I see.”
Xander’s deep voice interrupted my thoughts, and I groaned out loud.
“You again.” I turned to look at him and almost groaned again. He was bare-chested again and just wearing his boxers. “What do you want?”
“I wanted to apologize.” He stood next to me. “I’m sorry about tonight.”
“It’s fine.” I shrugged and looked away from him.
“Can we go and sit on the grass?” he asked softly. “I feel weird, standing while you’re sitting.”
“I don’t want to sit in the grass,” I said petulantly.
“I’d like to have a talk with you, Liv, and I’d rather we both be in a comfortable position.”
“Fine.” I jumped up. “I have to go in and get a blanket then. I can’t sit on the grass in this dress.”
“I brought one with me.” He held it out in front of him. “Just in case you were out here.”
“You were waiting up for me?”
“Yes.” He nodded. “I felt like we needed to talk.”
“Okay then.”
“First, I want to apologize again for Aiden and me just showing up at the club. I know that was a bit of a crazy thing to do.”
“Yeah, just a bit,” I said sarcastically and watched as he lay the blanket down on the grass.
Then we both sat down and got comfortable.
“It was a shock for me, you know, seeing you here,” he said, abruptly changing the subject.
I looked down at my legs. He thought he’d had a shock? What about me?
“Yeah, well, I wasn’t exactly over the moon to hear the news either.”
“It’s your fault that we’re even in this position.” He grabbed my hands. “Look at me, Liv.”
“It’s my fault?” My voice rose. “Is that supposed to be a joke?”
“You left me, and when I woke up and saw you were gone, I felt empty, lonely, and sad.” He sighed as his fingers played with mine. “I’ve never felt that way before.”
“What do you mean, I left you? I’ve never left you.”
“Last weekend.” He made a face. “We made love all night in the hotel, and when I woke up, you were gone. No note, no number. I didn’t even have your name. And I was upset. I’d wanted to spend the day with you. I’d wanted to get to know you.”
“So, you proposed to my sister because you were upset that I had hit it and quit it?” I bit my lower lip to stop myself from laughing. I wasn’t sure why I had said hit it and quit it, but it made me want to laugh.
“Did you just say hit it and quit it?” Xander’s eyes were laughing at me.
“Yes.” I nodded and smiled. “I’m not sure why I said that.”
“Maybe because it’s true.” He grinned. “That is what you did—well, technically, I hit it, but you were the one to quit it.”
“Xander”—I raised an eyebrow at him and sat back—“you can continue with what you were saying.”
“Sorry, I got distracted.” He licked his lips. “I was just remembering how deep and hard I hit it. I hit all the right spots, didn’t I?”
“Xander …” I blushed, not wanting to tell him that he had hit spots I hadn’t even known existed before.
“Sorry.” He chuckled. “It’s hard to forget the best sex of your life.”
“I was the best sex of your life?”
“Yes.” He had a devilish look on his face as his thumb traced up and down my wrist and palm.
“And I think that’s why it hit me so hard when you weren’t there that morning, no pun intended.
I …” He paused and gazed into my eyes. “I was angry, Liv. I was angry that the first time I’d ever felt something the morning after a night of passion was the first time a woman hurt me.
I reacted rashly. It’s hard to realize that meaningless one-night stands don’t always stay meaningless. ”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean that you were something different. What we had … that spark in the church and then in the hotel? Well, it was special. It made me feel different, weird. I don’t even know how to explain it.
I didn’t like that feeling. I still don’t like that feeling.
I don’t like being here with you and feeling like I’m flying.
I don’t like touching you and feeling like we’re connected.
I don’t like looking at you and feeling like smiling.
I’m not that kind of guy. I don’t want these feelings.
I’ve treated you poorly, and for the first time in my life, I’m ashamed of my actions.
I’m ashamed of making you feel like a piece of meat.
Because for the first time in my life, I realize that sex and women aren’t just there for my pleasure.
You made me feel that, and I don’t know how to feel about that. ”
“What are you saying, Xander?” I breathed out, my heart racing fast.
I was going to be honest now and admit that I thought he was going to tell me he loved me.
I know; I was crazy. He barely knew me, and yet I wanted him to tell me he loved me.
And if I was being even more honest, I wanted him to propose to me.
I wanted him to say that he needed me so badly that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. I even half thought that was coming.
“I met Gabby a few weeks before the wedding through Luke, and, well, the day after he called, I met up with her, Luke, and Henry.”
“Luke, who just got married?” I frowned. “Luke from the wedding?”
“Yes.” He pursed his lips.
“Didn’t he go on a honeymoon with Joanna?”
“The honeymoon was postponed.”
“I didn’t know Gabby knew Luke.” I sat back and thought. “I mean, she might have met him through Alice, but that was a while ago.”
“That’s beside the point, Liv.” He sighed.
“When I met up with Gabby, she was upset because she had just found out she was pregnant, and the father didn’t want to marry her, and she was worried her family would be disappointed, and she made a comment that she wished she had a fiancé to take home.
And Henry reminded me that our granddad was holding control of the family business until I got married, and, well, the idea just came to me. ” He shrugged.
“You’re engaged to Gabby because you felt bad for her and because you want control of your family company?”
“Basically.” He nodded.
“And you won’t end the engagement?”
“It would be stupid of me to let one night with you influence me into changing my plans, Liv. I’m not trying to be cruel, but Gabby and I have a business arrangement.
” He sighed and I could tell that he was frustrated, but that didn’t make me feel better about this entire arrangement. “One that will benefit both of us.”
“What about me?” I said softly.
“I don’t know what to say, Liv.” He sighed again. “I know I’ve been a jerk, and I can’t change that. I can only apologize, but I don’t know what else to say.”
“I guess there is nothing else to say.” I sucked my breath in to hold back my tears of disappointment.
What was the point of expressing my emotions and hurt? He would only think I was a psycho. The only one who would understand my feelings right now was Alice.
“I wanted to explain to you why Gabby and I were engaged. I didn’t want you to think that I was some sort of bastard who was chasing you and your sister. I don’t feel anything for your sister except friendship. I don’t have that sort of chemistry with her.”
“You told me you wanted to have sex with her.” I bit my lower lip, jealousy bursting to make its way out.
“I’m not sure I said that, but maybe I intimated something about making the marriage a complete one. I was only saying that to get a rise out of you.”
“Well, that’s nice.”
“I act stupid when I’m around you. I’m not myself.”
“Who are you then? ET?”
“Quite possibly.”
“That’s what I thought.” I nodded thoughtfully. “You’re an alien from outer space.”
“And you’re from inner space.”
“Something like that,” I said with a smile.
Then he started tickling me. I fell back on the ground, giggling, and tried to push him off of me, but he continued tickling me under my arms, on my stomach, and by my knees.
“Xander, don’t,” I gasped as we rolled around on the blanket.
“I didn’t know you were so ticklish.” He grinned down at me, his eyes light as he gazed at my face.
“Well, now you do.”
“Yes, I do.” He leaned down and gave me a quick kiss on the forehead and then lay down on the blanket next to me so that our shoulders were touching. “It’s not all about the money, you know.”
“What?” I said softly as I stared up at the stars in the sky. Sometimes I wish I could just float in the sky and stare at the stars and moon. Sometimes I like to imagine that the stars of eyes of people above, watching over us all.
“I don’t want the company so that I can make more money. I already have a lot of money.” I want to roll my eyes. I wonder what it’s like to be so nonchalant over being so rich.
“Okay,” I said softly, hoping he would tell me why he wanted the company. I wanted to know if the company was more important than me. If I’d ever meant anything to him. If I could ever compete. But I stopped myself from asking as I wasn’t sure I wanted to know the answer.
“I have a nonprofit in Africa. We help to purify water with chlorine machines, and we dig wells.” His voice was soft. “Right now, I’m only able to donate a million dollars a year through the company foundation, but if I took charge of the company, I could change the rules.”
“You don’t have shareholders?”
“We’re a privately held company. We have a board, but it’s not large, and I can control them.” His voice was passionate. “I want to be able to do this. My family has a lot of money. I want to be able to do some good with it. It’s really important to me.”
“I understand.” And I did.
It was a worthy cause. A very worthy cause.
A cause that surprised me, if I was honest. I felt guilty then.
I realized that I wanted this handsome, sexy man to want me, to tell me that he loved me, and I didn’t know a thing about him.
All I knew was that he was good with his tongue. I felt ashamed of myself.
“So, how long have you had the nonprofit?” I asked softly as we lay there, staring up at the night sky.
“Since I was seventeen,” he said, and I could feel him looking at the side of my face. “I started it my last year of high school with some money my dad had given me. He said I could have a car or I could use the money for something good.”
“And you turned down the car?”
“Yes,” he said, his voice low. “I had just done a science project on cholera and waterborne diseases, and there were all these people dying in different African countries, just from drinking water.” He sighed. “I didn’t think it was right.”
“So, you wanted to help?” I asked softly.
“Yes. I knew I had to help,” he said passionately.
“It was actually something I could help to fix. People dying of diseases in water is preventable. It’s not like strife in the Middle East or wars.
This is something tangible. This is something that can be fixed.
And we know how to fix it. They know how to fix it. ”
He rolled over, and I looked at him then. His eyes were blazing.
“When I got into the family business, I made sure my father invested in some different water purification systems. We were going to use them in …” His voice trailed off. “Sorry, I’m boring you.”
“Not at all.” I shook my head and touched the side of his face. “What happened to you? What fuels you?”
“My parents died in a car crash, and my grandfather was no longer interested in helping—at least not without a set of rules.”
“Like you getting married?”
“Yes.” He sighed. “I resisted as long as I could, and I tried to use my own money, but my trust is tied up in so many ways, and there are restrictions on how I can use the money. I don’t have full access to it until I’m thirty-five.”
“Oh, wow.”
“So, I finally said, Fuck it. If I need to be married to do what I need to do, then I need to get married. And then your sister needed a husband. So, we came to an arrangement. It seemed smart. It seemed practical. And it was safe. There were no feelings to complicate matters or make anything messy.”
“That’s good.” I looked down, trying not to show him how hurt and confused I was again.
“I really like you, Liv.” His fingers grabbed my chin, and he made me look at him.
“But I don’t even know you, you know? I don’t understand why or how I could feel so close to you.
Or how I could miss you that morning when you were gone.
I’m a practical guy, a resourceful guy, but I don’t do relationships or emotions.
Or feelings. They’re not to be trusted.”
“I understand.”
“Do you really?” His eyes searched mine.
“Yes.” I leaned forward and gave him a light kiss. “I understand, Xander.”
“I can’t just let this craziness between us change everything. I can’t let my emotions influence this decision.” He sounded as if he was trying to convince both of us.
“You need to do what you need to do.” I pulled back slightly and blinked rapidly. I would not let myself cry in front of him.
“Will you spend the night with me?” he asked softly. “We don’t have to have sex. I just want to hold you in my arms. I just want to feel your heart beat next to mine. I just want to wake up with you still there next to me.”
“No, sorry.” I shook my head and stood up slowly.
“I’m sorry, Xander, but like I told you before, I’m not that kind of girl.
Thank you for explaining why you’re marrying Gabby, but that doesn’t change anything.
You’re still her fiancé, and she is still my sister, and I’m still me.
And I don’t want to be the other woman in any sense of the word. ”
I straightened my dress and looked down at him, trying to remember the look of hurt on his face. I was pretty sure I’d never see this side of him again.
“You’re a great guy, Xander, but you’re not my great guy. Good night,” I said and nodded my head.
I walked back across the lawn and into the house. Don’t trip, don’t trip, was all I could think as I hurried away from him, with my heart racing and tears streaming down my face.