Chapter 15
15
CLAIRE
“ I still can’t believe you guys are doing all of this. I’m just overwhelmed.”
Buckley’s mom reached out and patted Kingston’s forearm, her eyes filling with tears. It was all I could do not to cry with her. My emotions had been all over the place these days, but crying in front of a woman who was in the middle of a circle of hell wouldn’t help anyone.
“Of course we’re here. And as soon as you feel like we’re too much, we’ll leave. I promise. We just wanted to do something.” I heard the sound of defeat in his voice, and I knew that he was hurting. He wanted to do so much— too much. Maybe it was to try to do what he couldn’t do for Eddie, or maybe it was just his way. I hated the idea that we would be too late, that we wouldn’t be enough. But if we could put a smile on Buckley’s little face, as well as make a few other children down on this ward laugh, then we would.
As soon as the idea for a little party had come to my mind, we had put plans in motion. That meant talking to Buckley’s mom, as well as the staff on the children’s cancer board. Just the idea of a children’s cancer board made my stomach hurt because there was so much that we couldn’t do. I couldn’t cure cancer. I couldn’t save a life. But I could bring a little joy, a little light in the darkness.
It honestly wasn’t that hard of a job, other than thinking of something to do for Buckley since we couldn’t enter the room he was in. He needed to be in a sterilized environment at least for now, with hope of a donation, so we took the party to the room right outside so he could still see us, and we could talk to him, and for the other children we had plans that the staff and care workers allowed us to bring in.
“We’re here for however long you need us,” I said, as Buckley’s mother turned to me and smiled.
“Thank you so much. You guys are so creative, no balloons and clowns in sight.” She shuddered. “I’m terrified of clowns, and someone decided to bring one along last time, and I’m afraid that my fear of clowns has moved on to my son.”
“No, clowns are…a no,” Kingston said as he visibly sh uddered. Watching a most likely six-foot four man with broad shoulders and all muscle shudder at the mere mention of a clown was one of the cutest things I had ever seen.
It was seriously hard not to fall completely and madly in love with this man.
“My brother and a lot of our friends are tattoo artists, so I figured temporary tattoos done by actual tattoo artists on those who want them, and children who can have the hypoallergenic fake ink would be perfect.”
And the best part of all of it was that because I had found a printer who could make them on the fly for us, especially when I had told him what the temporary tattoos were for, each of the Montgomerys at Montgomery Legacy, Montgomery Ink, and Montgomery Ink Too, did personalized art for the children. Their parents had told us what some of their favorite things were, whether it was a comic book character, or an abstract piece of art. Just something to make them smile. Every single one of these kids were under the age of fifteen, and some of their favorites were of puppies and kittens with unicorns and rainbows, and it broke my heart because I knew that they were all hurting and putting on brave faces for us.
“I know a couple of the moms were a little skeptical of you guys showing up with fake tattoos, but in the end, they know it’s all just for fun. And safe.”
“One hundred percent safe. We cleared it with all their doctors, and we’ll be good.”
“And we’ll have Buckley’s ready for him when he is all out of isolation,” Kingston said, his voice low, full of promise.
“Yes. Exactly.” Buckley’s mother’s voice broke ever so slightly, before she rolled her shoulders back and lifted her chin. Ever the strong mother who would not let anyone see her weak, or frail.
I reached out and squeezed her hand again.
“And every single kid here knows that once they’re out of here and healthy and ready to play outside, they have full access for a one-of-a-kind trip through the Montgomery security jungle gym.”
“Are you sure they’re not going to be too small for that?”
“We’ve already been working with an engineer to make sure that we can modify anything that we need to. My cousins know what they’re doing.”
“Okay, good. I’m just so excited for all of this. I guess I needed a little bit of joy too.”
“Of course you do. We’re here for all of you. And we have three bakeries on the line who brought in food that all of you can eat as parents and family members, as well as food that’s approved by their doctors that we think some of the kids can eat. We know not everybody is feeling up to it, but we have something if they want it and can have it. And later, just like with the obstacle course and jungle gym, they can come to the bakery and bake along with one of our family members.”
“I’ve been to Icing and Cafe On the Rocks. I love them both. I can’t believe that they’re in your family.”
I pointed to Kingston. “His family. I’m just a hanger on.”
“Sorry, my mother already adopted you.”
I rolled my eyes at that, even though my heart warmed, and Buckley’s mother smiled so brightly, her eyes actually shone for an instant.
“You two remind me so much of me and my husband. He’s at work right now because we need his medical insurance for this, or he’d be here with us.”
“It’s no problem. We’ll save him a couple tattoos and a cupcake.”
“Oh he might not get a cupcake. I looked at them before we got here, and I think they’re mine now.”
I knew she was putting on a front for us, but that was fine. We would do what we could for today.
In the end, we laughed with the children that we could, and waved at Buckley through the isolation in place. He was sitting up, and smiling, waving at us. His voice was a little raspy, and he still had dark circles under his eyes, but his mother had said he looked better. I wanted to believe that was true, and not just a mother’s hope, or wanting to make us feel better or to alleviate our worries.
I wanted him to be safe.
There were children with caps on their heads, and bright pink wigs. Giggling fourteen-year-olds with braces and tubes all over their bodies. There was a small little toddler in a crib, bouncing on her feet, as she had one of those feeding tubes that broke my heart. But she clapped her hands at us, and we said our hellos and she got her sparkling little unicorn.
Every single one of the parents hugged us, even the ones that were a little skeptical about a bunch of bearded and tattooed and pierced people showing up. We probably weren’t the normal crew to show up on a random Thursday to try to make kids smile. We did our best to stay out of the way, and our best not to break down.
Phoebe and Kane were there, as well as Leif and Nick and Hudson and Sebastian. We hadn’t wanted to overwhelm them with us, and we promised we would be back.
From the way Leif was mad texting the group chats, I had a feeling there was probably going to be a new Montgomery plan in place for future visits, and not just this hospital. And not just this wing .
This was why I loved this family. And this was why I was falling in love with Kingston.
On our way out as Kingston went to go talk with Leif, I pulled my brother to the side, honestly surprised to see him here.
“How are you holding up?”
My brother looked off into the distance, the sharp peaks of the Rocky Mountains bright white with snow. He was silent for so long I was afraid I had made a mistake. Not just by asking him, but by bringing him along at all.
“I’m glad I came.” He cleared his throat, and looked down at me, his eyes watery. “I miss her. With everything that I have. I miss her. I see her in our kids, and I see her every day. Every time I close my eyes. And when I wake up in the morning, I still feel like she’s right beside me. Even though she’s never lived in that house. She never got to see this house. But she’s no longer in pain. And my kids don’t get to know the woman that I loved. But those kids in there? I have to believe that they’re going to survive. That they can beat this. Because I need them to get out of those walls. I need them to run around with my kids. But seeing them? It reminds me that there’s still a fight out there. And maybe I should join. You know?”
Tears were freely streaming down my face at that moment, and I hugged him tightly, ignoring his cursing as he reluctantly held me back.
“I’m fine, little sister.”
“Well I’m not. So hold me.”
“Your big buff boyfriend is on his way to do so as well. You’re okay.”
“I need those little kids to be okay. But I don’t think they all will be. The math just isn’t there.”
“Then don’t think about that. Think about the joy that you brought them today. It’s all we can do in this moment. Always. You did a good thing here today. And from the way that those parents seemed to relax just for an instant? You gave them peace.”
“And we’re going to try to keep doing it,” Kingston said as he came forward.
“I was just thinking that you would. Is Leif already on the plans?”
“He contacted his mother, and Aunt Sierra and Uncle Austin can do anything.”
“I’m surprised you guys don’t already have a foundation in your name. What with all the hospital visits I hear you guys have.”
I knew Hudson was trying to lighten the mood, and I was grateful for it. My brother let me go and I leaned into Kingston instead.
“We have one, but it’s to provide meals for children in schools, as well as housing for families in need after natural disasters, and we have another section that works well for women and families that need to get out of bad situations at home. It’s not much, we’re all smaller parts of a whole, but we do some things.”
“Your family is out of this world.”
“There’s just a lot of us. We can’t help it. We have been the recipient of good tidings and people who care about us over the years. So we’re trying to do the same.”
“I know that we’re not going to be able to save every single kid. But I want to believe we can.”
“I would say I need a drink, but I need to go pick up the kids. You’re going to stop by later?” Hudson asked.
“I might. I have a work call later tonight.”
Both men raised their single brows, and once again, I was jealous.
“You’ve worked how many hours on this?”
“And I would do it all again. But there’s an event in three days, and Trix is handling most of it, because I’m trying to give her more responsibility, but I do have things to do. It’s okay. I’m not overworking.”
“See that she doesn’t,” Hudson said, and Kingston lifted his chin in acknowledgement.
“Don’t worry. I will.”
“Okay, I really don’t like you two working together against me.”
“Weren’t you the one that worked with Oliver against me in order for me to actually take a Sunday off?” Kingston asked.
“That was different. That was your little brother annoying you.”
“And this is your big brother annoying you,” Hudson said, as he tapped my nose.
“Call tonight. The kids miss you.”
“I saw them yesterday. And I miss them already.”
“It’s a good thing we all live close then. Love you, little sis.” He kissed my forehead, then headed off to his car. And after we said our goodbyes to everyone else, I found myself sitting next to Kingston in his SUV on the way to his house.
“That was tough,” he said after a moment.
“It was tougher than I thought it was going to be.”
“I need that little kid to be okay. Even if it’s not me. Even if they find another donor, or it turns out he doesn’t even need one, I need him to be okay. I don’t need to be the one that saves the day, I just need someone to do it.”
“I never thought you were the one who needed to put on a cape for the acknowledgement. You just throw yourself in when it’s needed. It’s not for praise. If anything you get embarrassed if anyone praises you.”
“I’m not quite sure I like the psychoanalyzing,” he said through gritted teeth, and I leaned over to squeeze his knee .
“Kingston.”
“Claire,” he said in the same tone, and we both sighed simultaneously.
“You haven’t had a nightmare in a couple nights,” he said, and I blinked at the change in subject.
“Where did that come from?”
“I said the word psychoanalyzing, and then my brain went down the therapy trail.”
I winced but got out of the car at the same time as he did.
“I haven’t, but I never know when they’ll show up. I’m doing better now. Maybe just time?”
“If you ever want to talk about it, I’m here. I don’t know if I’m the best one to actually have an answer. But I’m a sounding board.”
“I know you are. And no, I don’t have that many nightmares anymore. But I still go to therapy.”
“Therapy helps.”
“Do you go?”
He shook his head, and I frowned.
“I thought you did.”
“No, Kane does. But I haven’t really needed it.”
“You’re not serious, right?”
“What? I talk with you, I talk with my family, I talk with everyone at work. I don’t know why I need to talk to anyone else.”
“Because you keep blaming yourself for everything that happens around you, maybe?” I hadn’t meant to let that slip, and my voice had risen just slightly.
He looked taken aback and shook his head. “I don’t take on the weight of the world.”
“I beg to differ.”
“Claire, I’m tired. After a long fucking day, and seeing all those kids? I don’t want to talk about it.”
“Maybe you should. Maybe not with me, but you lost your friend. You should talk to someone.”
“I did. I talked to you. I talked to my parents. I’m fine.”
I nearly asked him what fine meant to him, and then realized right now was not a good time. He was angry, annoyed, and hurting.
“Since my car’s here, I’m just going to pack up my things and head home. I have a lot of work to do.”
“Claire, you don’t have to go. We were going to have dinner. Just hang out and veg.”
“It’s been a hard day. I’m just going to give you some space.”
He cursed under his breath, and then came toward me. I looked up sharply, and he stopped in his tracks, holding up both hands.
“Did I startle you? I’m not angry. Well, I’m pissed off at the world. About the fact that whatever deity is out there can just give this kid cancer and there’s nothing I can fucking do about it. I’m angry about that, but I’m not angry at you. You’re allowed to call me on my bullshit, you know.”
“I just don’t want to upset you.”
“Upset me. Yell at me. Be mad. I’m kind of an asshole sometimes.”
“But you aren’t though. That’s the problem. You are a nice guy.”
“I don’t really like the term nice guy.”
“You’re not the trademarked term of being a predator. Not that kind of nice guy,” I said, exasperated. “But I don’t want you to carry everything on your shoulders and deep inside or whatever metaphor you want to use.”
“Just don’t go, okay?”
He didn’t answer the question, not that I had even had one.
“Just stay? I don’t think you should be alone either. Not after today.”
I sighed, then moved forward, wrapping my arms around his waist.
“Today was good, but it also sucked.”
“Majorly.”
And when he rested his cheek on the top of my head, I knew I was in trouble.
Because I was falling in love love. As in already there. Rock bottom, and terribly in love with a man who I was afraid didn’t love me back .
But before I could dwell too much on my emotions, his phone rang.
“Answer that, I’ll go figure out what we’re going to order to eat because I don’t think either of us want to cook.”
“Sounds like a plan.” He kissed me softly, and then answered.
“This is Kingston.”
He froze for an instant, and I looked up at him, eyes wide as this bright smile spread over his face.
“Just tell me the time. I’m there.”
I moved forward, hugging him tightly, knowing exactly who he was talking to.
And when he ended the call, he picked me up by the waist and spun me around.
“His counts are up. We’re doing the donation. Fuck yeah. We’re not going to fail this time. We’re going to fix this.”
“Kingston.”
He kissed me hard on the mouth.
“I know. I know. But we’re going to try, okay? We’re going to try.”
And I held him, and hoped to hell it would be enough.