Chapter 19
Holly
Jimmy was so good-looking now that Holly actually found it hard to look at him.
She had never thought she would fancy a boy with long hair.
A lot of her friends liked old stuff like Nirvana and had posters of Kurt Cobain on their walls, but Holly didn’t see the attraction.
That hairy, scruffy rock-star look did nothing for her.
Until she met the almost-grown-up Jimmy.
‘Doesn’t your older sister want to join us?’ Jimmy asked as they watched Morag make her way up the hill, Lewis definitely checking out her bum as she stood on the pedals and leaned over the handlebars.
‘I tried to persuade her,’ Holly said, ‘but she insists on staying in with our mum.’ She hugged herself. ‘Made me feel really guilty about it.’
She didn’t mention how unpleasant Miranda had been about Jimmy, calling him a busker and a loser.
Jimmy lay a hand on her shoulder and blinked at her.
He had such long lashes, the kind she would kill for.
A lock of hair fell over one eye and there was a feeling inside her like when you crack open a throat lozenge with your teeth and the runny bit slides out of its hard shell.
‘You shouldn’t feel guilty. I bet your mum wants you to go out and have fun. ’
Holly thought she might cry. Jimmy was so sweet. So sensitive.
‘It’s like that song,’ Jimmy went on. ‘If you love somebody, set them free. Or at least let them go out and get wasted on Hogmanay.’
‘Cheers to that,’ said Lewis.
‘That’s exactly what she’s like,’ Holly said, trying to ignore the lump in her throat, hoping the tears wouldn’t come. ‘She said we should go out and live our lives, that she doesn’t want us sitting around being sad.’
‘Your mum sounds amazing.’
‘Miranda doesn’t see it that way, but …’ She found she couldn’t speak any more.
Because despite what Mum had said, and Jimmy’s reassuring words, she couldn’t quell the guilt.
It didn’t seem right that life went on while Mum was dying.
Shouldn’t the fact that her mother only had months left to live override everything else?
But Holly still worried about the spots on her face.
Still fretted about her exams. Still had hormones that made her feel like a puppet on their string.
She was tormented.
‘I guess your dad is staying at home tonight?’ Jimmy said as they squeezed into the car.
‘Yeah.’
‘He seems cool, your dad. I bet he wants you to have fun, too.’
‘Hmm. Maybe. I don’t actually know how he feels about it.’
The truth was, Dad didn’t talk about his emotions much.
He was too busy to give her and the others heart-to-hearts, and her feeling was that he was using work to distract himself from the reality of Elizabeth’s health, possibly in denial.
Or maybe just stoic. She wished he would show them what was in his heart sometimes; be more demonstrative.
‘Let’s stop talking about our parents,’ Lewis said. ‘Let’s go and party.’
‘To fame and fortune and getting out of here,’ Jimmy said.
Morag repeated it. ‘Fame and fortune and getting out of here.’
‘That’s our sibling motto,’ Jimmy explained. ‘We’re gonna keep saying it till we escape this place.
Holly joined in the toast. She had spent days dreaming that she was going to kiss Jimmy at midnight.
And now, here he was, sitting in the caves beside her, cracking jokes and playing his guitar.
They had built a small fire to keep warm and the cavern glowed orange, the firelight flickering on Jimmy’s skin as he strummed away.
Even though it was freezing outside, he was wearing only a T-shirt, which showed off his amazing arms. Never mind the real fire here in the cave; Holly felt like she was burning up.
As well as being gorgeous and funny, he could sing, too, doing a bunch of Jeff Buckley songs plus a few traditional Scottish numbers.
Morag and Lewis sat together on the other side of the flames, shoulder to shoulder, almost touching.
There was, Holly knew, something weird about this set-up: the two sets of siblings.
Was it a bit gross? She really didn’t want to see Lewis and Morag start snogging and guessed they felt the same about her and Jimmy.
She felt they had an unspoken pact that they wouldn’t do anything in front of the other pair, that they would separate before that happened.
‘Do you know the legend of the Serpent Stone?’ Jimmy asked as midnight approached.
The four of them turned towards the rock carving on the wall.
Holly had been trying not to look at it.
It was obviously some kind of fertility symbol and she knew if she even glanced in its direction she would start blushing and the others would all be able to read her mind.
Not that it was hard to read anyway. Morag had rolled her eyes at her a couple of times when she’d laughed too loud at one of Jimmy’s jokes.
She knew that boys like it when girls pretend to be ignorant – enjoyed the opportunity to impart dumb facts – and even though it went against all her principles, she found herself saying, ‘Tell me.’
‘It’s meant to bring good luck to brides,’ Jimmy said. ‘Our mum came down here and touched it before she married our dad.’
‘Did she indeed?’ Lewis said, like a sitcom character, guffawing. He was wasted. As well as drinking half a dozen cans of Tennent’s he’d smoked a whole spliff on his own.
‘Your parents aren’t still together, though, are they?’ Holly said.
‘They would be, but he ran off with the woman from the post office.’
Somehow, tonight, this was the funniest thing Holly had ever heard. They all laughed for about five minutes straight.
Jimmy took a drag on his spliff and smiled sleepily at Holly. ‘Do you want to do a blowback?’
‘Okay.’
She shuffled closer to him, trying not to seem too keen.
‘Wait,’ Morag said. ‘That’s lame. I’ve got something better.’
From her bag, she produced a little bag of pills.
‘Holly? Want to do Molly?’ She laughed. ‘Hey, I’m a poet like you, Lewis.’
Holly was no stranger to drugs. At her school, everyone did them, apart from the really square kids.
Mum and Dad had no idea what Holly and her friends did at the parties they went to at weekends, in those big houses in Edgbaston and Solihull where all Holly’s friends lived.
A pill right now would make her lose the inhibitions that were stopping her from making a move and asking Jimmy if he wanted to explore the caverns with her.
She took the tablet from Morag, popped it between her lips and swallowed.
Then she looked at Jimmy, expecting him to take one, but he said, ‘I never touch that shit.’
Worse, he looked deeply disappointed in her.
‘Oh crap,’ Morag said. ‘Oh shit.’
‘What is it?’
Morag looked so alarmed that Holly said it again, more urgently. ‘What is it? What’s happened?’
Morag told her, and Holly knew immediately that this night was not going to turn out the way she’d expected.
But she could never have guessed how bad it would get.