Chapter 27
27
C ally woke with a start, a heavy heart, and her mind working overtime before she’d even sat up. For a blissful moment, she couldn't remember why she felt so awful. Then it all came flooding back very quickly: the confrontation with Logan, his secret marriage, the anger and hurt. The fact that he’d said she’d overreacted. The fact that she acknowledged that perhaps she had overreacted. Him storming out. She groaned as it swirled around her and pulled the duvet over her head, wishing she could hide from the world. Here she was again, struggling and having to hold up that big old messy sky.
Morning light filtered through the gaps in the curtains, and she could hear the faint sounds of Lovely Bay coming to life outside her window: a very distant clanging of boats in the harbour, a few snippets here and there of early-morning risers from the street, the occasional squawk of a seagull. All an ordinary, very normal day in Lovely. The world had continued to turn and carry on as it usually did, even though she felt as if it and she had been shattered into a million pieces. Dramatic much? Totally.
She reached for her phone on the bedside table, wincing as she saw several missed calls and messages from Logan. She couldn't bring herself to read them. Instead, she opened her messages from Eloise and tapped.
Cally: You up? Need to talk.
The response came almost immediately.
Eloise: Course I am. Come over. xxx I'll put the kettle on.
Cally: Thx. I’ll just have a quick shower x.
Cally dragged herself out of bed, shuffled out to put the kettle on, walked into the bathroom and pulled the lever on the shower. As she stood under the hot water, she tried to sort through the jumble of emotions whirling inside her. She’d never quite experienced the feelings before. Sure, she’d felt angry and hurt at times. Betrayal, too. This was different, though, and she knew why: anger, hurt, betrayal, and confusion mixed with the fact that she loved the bones of Logan in the midst of it all. It really was as simple as that. She felt drained and overwhelmed by her emotions; the long day at the races and a rubbish night’s sleep all merged to make her feel a million times worse.
Without even thinking about what she was putting on, she dressed quickly in her usual uniform, then paused in front of the mirror. The face that looked back at her did not look good. There was no glow. Older somehow than a few days before, more weary, and not a whole lot of fancy going on there at all. She shoved on a bit of mascara and a swipe of lip gloss so as not to frighten the locals, wiped the shower down, gave the loo a quick clean, washed her hands and went back out to the kitchen.
After making hot blackcurrant in a travel cup, she scooted down the steep stairs from her flat and caught a whiff of freshly baked bread from the deli below. Her stomach growled, reminding her that she hadn't eaten much since before the confrontation with Logan, at the same time as the thought of eating anything made her feel a bit sick.
Just as she was walking out of the back of the deli, Alice, with a huge bag in her arms, came the other way.
'Morning, our Cally!' Alice called out cheerfully. 'You're up early. Fancy a coffee?'
Cally held up her travel cup. ‘Thanks, nope. I'm meeting Eloise. How are you?'
‘Great, thanks. You?’
‘Oh, yes, fine, thanks.’ Cally lied, flicking the switch at the back of her throat which allowed her to sound perfectly okay when she was anything but. 'Just a bit tired.'
Alice frowned. ‘You seem subdued. Not your usual self. Everything alright?'
'I’m fine.’
Alice didn't look entirely convinced but didn't push. She rummaged in the basket and held up a bag. ‘Croissants and they’re still warm. I’ve just been to collect them. Take these.’ She winked. 'Looks like you could use a bit of cheering up.'
‘Aww, that’s so kind of you. Thank you.’
‘See you later, then. All ready for the Chowder Festival?’
Cally nodded. ‘Yes, can’t wait.’
On the way to Eloise’s, Cally found herself dawdling, lost in thought. She replayed the confrontation with Logan over and over in her mind, analysing every word. He’d not looked great when she’d shouted. Had she overreacted? She had. Should she have given him more of a chance to explain? Possibly. But then she remembered the look on his face when she’d shown him the marriage certificate – the guilt, the panic. She felt as if he had kept it from her deliberately, letting her fall in love with him while holding back a huge part of his past. She might be dramatic, but part of her absolutely hated him for that.
By the time she reached Eloise’s house, she didn’t know what to think. She pushed her finger in the bell and waited for Eloise to answer. Eloise opened the door, took one look at Cally's face, frowned and pulled Cally into a one-armed hug. 'Oh, what in the world? It obviously didn’t go well. Go in the sitting room. I’ll get you a tea.’
Cally slipped off her shoes and walked into the sitting room, sinking into the familiar, squashy sofa. She gratefully accepted the mug of tea and wrapped her hands around it.
Eloise sat in the armchair opposite. 'So, I take it you confronted Logan?'
Cally nodded. 'God, it was awful. What have I done? I really yelled at him!'
'Tell me everything. Start from the beginning.’
Cally recounted the whole confrontation. '...and then I just told him I needed space. I couldn't bear to hear anything else.’
Eloise gritted her teeth and made a swooshing sound. 'Blimey. That's a lot to process.'
'I know. I just don't know what to do now. It’s so weird because, at the end of the day, I love him. I really do.'
Eloise shook her head. 'I know you're hurt. And you have every right to be. What Logan did was pretty bad, no two ways about it. But...' she hesitated, clearly choosing her words carefully. She narrowed her eyes. 'Are you sure you're not using this as an excuse?'
Cally blinked, taken aback. 'What? No! An excuse? For what?'
'You've always had one foot out the door since you decided your background wasn’t good enough, haven't you? Always waiting for the other shoe to drop, for some reason why it wouldn't work out between you two.'
'That's not fair,' Cally protested, but even as she said it, she felt a flicker of doubt. Hadn't she always felt, deep down, that she and Logan were too different, from two different worlds?
Eloise held up her hands. 'I'm not saying what Logan did was right. It wasn't. He should have told you about his marriage. But people make mistakes, Cal. They have pasts. The question is, does this one mistake outweigh everything else? Everything good about your relationship?'
Cally slumped back into the sofa, feeling suddenly exhausted. 'I don't know,' she admitted. 'I just feel so betrayed. Like I can't trust anything he's ever said to me.'
'I get that. Think about it, Cal. Has Logan ever given you any other reason not to trust him? Has he ever lied to you about anything else?'
Cally thought about it. To be frank, Henry-Hicks had not put a foot wrong. He'd introduced her to his family, brought her into his world despite their different backgrounds, wined her and dined her, looked after her, treated her—done just about everything right every single time. 'No,' she said finally. 'He hasn't.'
'So maybe, and I'm just saying maybe, this was a one-off mess-up. A big one, granted, but still.'
Cally rubbed her temples. 'Even if it was, I don't know if I can get past it, El. I don't know if I want to. You know?'
Eloise was quiet for a moment. ‘Don’t bite my head off, but are you more upset about Logan's secret marriage or about the fact that he comes from a different world than you? And that, well...’
‘What?’
‘Sometimes I think you have a shield up because of everything that happened before. You like to keep people at arm's length.' Eloise pressed on. 'You've spent so long taking care of others, Cal. Your mum, your brother, your grandma. You've been strong for so long. But sometimes I think you're afraid to let anyone take care of you. To let anyone in. So, you get to dump Logan over this when really is it a dump-able reason? I know what my answer is…'
'That’s precisely it. I let Logan in and now look. I shouldn’t have done that.’
Eloise challenged. 'Thing is. You say you did, but have you been waiting for a reason to push him away all along?'
Cally opened her mouth to argue. Deep down, she knew Eloise was probably right. She had been waiting for a reason, hadn't she? Some proof that she and Logan would never truly work, that their worlds were too different, but maybe it was a way to actually protect herself.
She groaned, burying her face in her hands. 'I'm such a mess. I shouldn’t be out in the real world.'
Eloise moved to sit beside her on the sofa and put an arm around her shoulders. 'You're not a mess and you've been through a lot.'
'That doesn’t help me about what I do now. What’s next?’
'First, you're going to finish your tea. Then you're going to have a proper cry if you need to. And then you need to think about what you really want. Not what you think you should want, or what you're afraid of wanting or what anyone else wants or needs you to do. But what you truly want.'
Cally wiped the corners of her eyes. 'And what if I don't know what that is?'
‘There's no rush. The world won't end if you don't have all the answers right away.'
As if on cue, Cally's phone buzzed with another message from Logan. She glanced at it and her heart clenched at the sight of his name on the screen. 'He keeps trying to contact me.’
She turned her phone around and showed Eloise the string of missed calls and messages.
Eloise peered at Cally’s phone. 'Well, at least he's persistent, I’ll give him that. What does he say?'
Cally hesitated, then opened the most recent message.
Logan: I know I've messed up. I know I hurt you. Give me a chance to explain properly. To make things right. I love you. I’m sorry I stormed out. Call me when you're ready to talk. I'll wait as long as it takes.
Cally pursed her lips as she read the words. 'He wants to explain.’
Eloise nodded. ‘Yup.’
Cally bit her lip, conflicted. Part of her wanted to delete the messages, to cut Logan out of her life completely. The other part of her loved him. 'I don't know. I'm still so angry, but…’
'But you love him,' Eloise finished for her.
Cally nodded miserably. 'I do. God help me, I do.'
‘Maybe it's worth hearing him out.'
Cally turned her phone over in her hands. 'And if I'm not ready to talk to him yet?'
‘Just do it on your terms.'
Cally nodded. 'Thanks, El. I don't know what I'd do without you.'
Eloise rolled her eyes. 'Probably make a right mess of things. It's a good job I'm here to keep you on the straight and narrow.'
Cally chuckled. ‘What a nightmare.’
‘I’ll make another pot of tea.’
Cally pointed to the hallway. ‘There are some croissants in my bag.’
‘My kind of comfort food.’
As Eloise went out to the kitchen, Cally thought about what Eloise had said about using her background as a shield. Had she really been doing that? Keeping one foot out the door, always ready to run at the first sign of trouble? It was sobering. It was probably true. She had to get a grip or she was going to lose the best thing that had ever happened in her life.