Chapter 4
Everything in Clara stilled at Ben’s confession. Her traitorous heart leapt with hope that he was about to say that he loved her.
What? Ben doesn’t love me. Like I don’t love him.
Liar! You’ve loved him since you met him when you were thirteen. It’s why you couldn’t give yourself to John. Why you broke up with him.
Great, she was having a mental argument with herself in the middle of the street with Ben clutching her as if she was his lifeline in the middle of a windstorm.
“What?” There was nothing else she could say because her mind wasn’t working properly.
“Fern. I don’t love her. I liked and admired her. I thought I loved her, but I didn’t. Not the way I should’ve. I should never have asked her to marry me.”
“Why did you?” Clara asked the question that had always been in the back of her mind. She never thought Fern was good for Ben. Had always thought her skewed feelings for Ben was the reason why she didn’t think he loved Fern. Yet, he just confirmed what she’d thought.
Ben shrugged. “I don’t know. I think,” he scraped a hand down his face, “I believed it was what I should do next in life.”
“That’s not the greatest reason to ask someone to spend their life with you. You aren’t checking a box off your to-do list, Ben. You’re asking someone to commit to you and only you.”
“But she wasn’t committed to me,” he argued right back.
“Seems like you both shouldn’t have taken this next step,” she said.
“Maybe.”
Her phone buzzed in her pocket and she was glad for the reprieve from this heavy conversation.
Something they should’ve had a long time ago.
Clara frowned when she saw who was calling her.
She held her phone out for Ben to see. “It can’t be you who’s calling me because you’re standing in front of me.
Unless you’re an impersonator and the real you is calling me to warn me to stay away from you. ”
How the heck she could find herself making jokes when everything in her screamed that her and Ben’s relationship was about to change in a way that could be monumental, was beyond her.
“It can’t be Reed,” Ben said, his brow furrowed as if he too was confused as to who would have his phone. The buzzing stopped but started up almost immediately. “Looks like I desperately want to talk to you.”
“Looks that way.” Clara hit the accept button. “Hey Ben, what’s up?” She shrugged when Ben rolled his eyes at her greeting.
“You know it’s not my fiancé, Clara. Where is he?” Fern screeched so loudly that she had to pull the phone away from her ear. With the way Ben’s face hardened, he’d heard Fern as well. She was surprised the whole street hadn’t heard her if she was being honest.
“I don’t know where he is,” she fibbed, and crossed her fingers that she wasn’t going to be struck down by a random bolt of lightning.
“Stop lying! I know he’s with you. I heard Reed talking to you. I know what you’re doing!”
Clara sighed. In some ways she deserved Fern’s wrath, considering she lied about being with Ben, but she didn’t have to take it. “Okay, yes I’m with Ben, but he needed a friend and that’s what I am.”
Fern scoffed loudly. “Friend! You’re no friend. You want him. You’ve always wanted him. I saw the way you looked at him. But guess what, you can’t have him. I’m the one he asked to marry. Not you. I’m the one he loves.”
Clara kept her attention on Ben, knowing that he was hearing everything Fern was saying, she was talking that loudly.
She knew she was about to stoke the flame, but she didn’t care.
Fern was the one who was doing the cheating, not Ben.
“Yet, he’s here with me and not with you. What does that tell you?”
Fern’s screech of frustration made Clara pull the phone away from her ear again. Before she had a chance to say more, Ben took the phone from her grip and held it to his ear.
“I’m here, Fern.”
“Ben! Where are you? I need you!”
Like she suspected, Ben could hear everything of her conversation with Fern, Clara was able to clearly hear everything Fern said to Ben. Her stomach twisted a little at Fern’s words but Ben’s demeanor didn’t change even after what Fern said.
“Do you really need me, Fern?”
“I do, Ben. I really do.”
People slowed down as they passed, as if they could tell something juicy was happening, and they wanted to know all about it.
Curiosity may kill the cat, but in the current age of social media, curiosity sometimes led to going viral.
No way was she going to allow Ben and the fallout from his relationship from being one of the most streamed videos of the day.
She gave Ben a little push and, because they knew each other so well, he took the hint and began to walk off to the side so they weren’t standing in the middle of the sidewalk.
“I find that hard to believe, Fern. I saw you today. Saw with my own eyes that I’m not the man you need. Or want. Or love. Why don’t you go find him and tell him again how much he means to you?”
Knowing it probably wasn’t the wisest thing to do, Clara grabbed hold of Ben’s free hand and entwined their fingers together.
At the contact, a fissure of heat spiraled through her.
She knew she should ignore it and take her hand back, but the way Ben squeezed it, it was clear he didn’t want to let go either.
She embraced the warmth for once and allowed a seed of hope to take root inside of her.
“I don’t know what you mean.” Even after all of Ben’s accusations Fern was still rebutting him and she still hadn’t lowered her voice either.
“Don’t, Fern. You berated Clara for lying to you, don’t do the same to me.
You know you don’t love me. Don’t drag this out.
Go be happy with the guy you were seeing behind my back.
Go to what was supposed to be our reception tonight and party with him.
Show your parents who you really want. Be happy, Fern. ” He ended the call.
Somehow, Clara managed to take the phone from Ben’s outstretched hand and pop it back in her pants pocket.
She didn’t allow herself to think of the consequences as she pulled Ben into a hug.
The moment his arms closed around hers she melted against him.
This wasn’t the first time they’d hugged but for her it felt different.
As though this was the start of something new between them.
Was she being ridiculous? She didn’t know, but maybe this was her and Ben’s time.
“You doing okay, Bento?” she asked as she pulled away from him, wrapping her arms around herself to stop from pulling him close again.
Ben smiled. A smile she hadn’t seen in a long time.
A smile that brightened the gold in his hazel eyes.
A smile that had her heart tripping in hopefulness.
“You know what? I am. I should’ve ended it with Fern before it got to today.
I should’ve stopped it when I started having doubts after I saw the first change in her personality after I proposed. ”
There was so much to unpack from what he said, but she had a burning question. “Why didn’t you? I told you there was something that didn’t add up with Fern, but you ignored me.”
That had been the one and only time they had a major fight.
It was so hard to keep her feelings to herself.
To tell Ben that she was the better option for him.
But she’d kept those words hidden deep down inside her because she hadn’t thought he felt the same and she didn’t want to lose him, even though the argument could’ve led to the end of their friendship.
They hadn’t spoken for two weeks—the longest they’d gone without talking or sending a silly meme whenever the urge hit them.
In the end it was Ben who’d been waiting for her one day after work.
They’d gone for a drink and talked things out.
Both agreeing that their friendship was worth fighting for.
Her heart had broken a little that he hadn’t told her he’d broken up with Fern.
After she’d gotten home she’d cried on her bed and decided that a little bit of Ben in her life was better than no Ben.
“I know I should’ve listened to you then.
Those weeks we didn’t speak, I thought long and hard about everything, and because I thought all you wanted from me was to just be friends without a chance of anything more, I stayed with Fern.
” His gaze became intent and Clara couldn’t move even if she wanted to.
Her cheek tingled from the gentle brush of his fingertips.
“As I said earlier, I loved Fern in my own way, but now I know it was the wrong way. She was the wrong person for me.”
What was he trying to say?
What had he meant about there never being anything more between them other than friendship?
Was he thinking clearly?
Ben’s whole world got turned upside down. He woke up that morning believing he was going to get married. Now he was standing in the middle of a city street with her telling her he loved Fern but she wasn’t the right person for him.
It was too confusing and had her thinking things she couldn’t allow herself to think. Things she’d wished for but gave up on.
“Come on.” She took a couple of steps away from him, needing to keep distance between them. “I think we should continue our walk.”
Ben looked like he was going to argue with her. Push her to continue what they’d been talking about, but as if he worked out that where they were wasn’t the place to be having that type of discussion, he nodded and began to walk beside her.
As they made their way toward the heart of the city, she became aware that if she moved her arm a few inches, she would be able to grab Ben’s hand and keep a hold of it.
Doing that would be the wrong thing. From now on there would be no more hand holding.
No more hugs. No more light brushes of fingers across her cheek.
No more wishing for things that couldn’t be.