31. Chapter Thirty-One
Chapter Thirty-One
M arcus
I watched Cassie tour my version of a BDSM dungeon. Long ago, I knew I’d rather play in private than in public.
Her face revealed very little, and that was unusual. Was she disgusted? I couldn’t tell. Her skin was flushed, maybe she was embarrassed?
She hadn’t been embarrassed by anything we’d done so far. Was my special room too much for her? She approached me, her gaze at her feet.
My heart pounded. If she couldn’t accept this side of me, we’d be in real trouble.
I needed, no wanted, a woman who would embrace her sexuality and mine, not hide from it.
Cassie and I had made great progress over the last few days, and I wanted—no, I needed her to accept all of me and accept everything she was.
“Cassie?” I couldn’t stand her silence any longer. My fingers curled into my palms to prevent myself from touching her. I wanted her to make the decision without any influence from me.
“I never…” The hesitation in her voice caused my heart to drop to my feet.
My hands clenched tighter. “It’s okay. Let’s go back to the bedroom.” I spun around, my hopes dashed. As much as I wanted to take her in my arms, I couldn’t. Not in here, where she didn’t want to be. Not when my heart was being ripped out of my chest.
“No!” She grabbed my arm and tugged at me to turn around.
Her eyes were bright and glassy.
“It’s okay, Cassie.” I cupped her cheeks with my palms when a tear or two slipped down her cheek. “I understand if you’re not into this.”
“Wrong.” Her voice was soft as I brushed away the tears. “I never thought I’d find a man interested in helping me see the safe side of sexual exploration. That it wasn’t all pain.” Her voice trembled.
“You’re shaking with fear.”
“Yes and no.” Her fingers encircled my wrist. “There’s something you need to know.”
I nodded. The room was warm so I led her over to the padded bench, because the bed was too tempting. A rock formed in my gut. Whatever she wanted to tell me wasn’t good.
Sitting down on the bench, I pulled her onto my lap and waited. When she didn’t speak, I asked, “Why the tears?” I brushed several more away.
“It’s hard to explain.” Her fingers entwined with mine. “I told you yesterday about my father blindfolding me to punish me.”
The rock turned to a boulder the size of a mountain. “Yes. Did your father beat you?” That would explain a lot of her fear. I could barely get the words out, it hurt so much to think of that happening.
“Not me—my mother.” She let out a sigh and rested her head against my shoulder. “I’m saying this all wrong.”
“It’s okay.” I brought her hand to my lips and kissed each finger. “Tell it however you can.” I needed to know.
“My mother is a submissive and possibly a masochist.”
“And your father’s a Dominant and a sadist.” That much was obvious to me.
“Destructively so, for both of them. When I was little, I didn’t understand why they’d go into a locked room all the time. It wasn’t until I was older I realized what was going on.”
“How old were you?” I couldn’t imagine what she saw or heard as a child.
“Fifteen. I suspected something unusual was going on with my parents before that. Dad was always ordering Mom around, and she’d do whatever he wanted.”
“But you didn’t.” Some of the pieces fell into place.
“I didn’t. Worse, I rebelled. I resented his attitude, especially when I started dating. Each time I defied him, he’d blindfold me, tie my hands behind my back, and shove me into a closet.”
“Bastard.” I cradled her against me. It was a miracle she’d allowed me to restrain her. There was some amazing steel in her attitude.
“He never hurt me physically, but he exerted his control over me.”
“And your mother?” The picture was becoming clearer.
“Yes, and as hard as it is for me to admit it, my mother liked it.”
“Some women do.” It sounded like, to me, her father was a sadist, and her mother a masochist.
Cassie raised her head from my shoulder and nodded.
“One night when he locked me in the closet, I stopped panicking about my loss of sight and realized I could hear things. I figured out that he’d purposely locked me in that particular closet.
It was right next to the room where he and my mom had sex. He wanted me to hear.”
“A room like this?”
“Not really.” Her gaze swept around the room before returning to me.
There was no fear in her eyes, and her body was relaxed against mine.
“One time, I managed to slip the blindfold up a little bit. The closet was empty, cold, and unfeeling. This room is anything but. It reflects the man who lives here, and he’s anything but cold. ” She snuggled up to me.
Slowly, the boulder in my gut broke apart. “I’m glad you feel that way.” I kissed her temple. “Do you want to finish your story?”
She sighed. “I peeked into their bedroom and saw there were benches where he could tie Mom up. This one night I could hear them. I heard him whipping her, and she was screaming. But she was also telling him to whip her harder, to hurt her while he fucked her.”
“I would never—”
Her fingers against my lips stopped my words.
“I’ve come to believe you would never hurt me.
I didn’t understand their relationship until I read the book in your library last night about the submissive having power.
My mother was a true submissive, but also a masochist. I was afraid that when it came to sex, I was going to be like her.
” Her voice grew small. “All my adult life, I’ve been afraid. I don’t ever want to be like that.”
“How could you think that?” I shook my head, trying to get over the shock of her words. I turned her in my lap until she straddled me. “You are a bedroom submissive. Do you understand the difference?”
“I do, now.” Her warm breath brushed against my skin. “Part of the problem is the men in my past freaked out when I suggested anything remotely kinky, so I always fell in with their wishes. Hence these thoughts that I was more submissive than I thought.”
“They were idiots.” I wanted to hunt down each one of those men and teach them a lesson, starting with her father.
“I began to wonder if I needed someone to dominate me in order for me to enjoy sex.”
“You don’t.” My dominance was never about sex; it was about making sure my partner had pleasure.
“I know that now. You showed me what control really meant. We both have it, and we’ve brought each other pleasure with it.”
I closed my eyes. Cassie didn’t understand how her words affected me or the intense emotions they stirred up. I wasn’t going to be able to let go tomorrow. I would fight tooth and nail to keep her in my life. I couldn’t fail.
“So you’re not turned off by my special room?”
“I’m excited, and at times, apprehensive.” She took a breath. “While I’m not interested in the whips, canes, or implements like that, I think we can still have some fun together. I wouldn’t mind if you tried spanking me with your hand.” Her skin flushed.
“You liked it when I swatted your ass.”
“I did.”
“I can work with that.” My lips covered hers in a soft kiss before I leaned back.
“We’ll build up to the spanking. But we can play with some of the other items in the cabinets, the ones that don’t scare you.
” My lips turned up. “Or maybe ones that make you a little nervous but you’re willing to try. ”
“Now that sounds like a lot of fun.” She grinned at me. “Can we start now?”
Fuck. How did I deserve this woman? “Yes, we can.”