Chapter 40
40
SAINT-CHAMBéRY
‘What happens to these gifts anyway? Or are they just empty boxes? I’ve always thought about it but been too scared to ask when Delphine’s around.’ Tommy took his eyes off the brouette and looked over his shoulder like the village stalwart might suddenly appear.
‘They are donated to charity. Each of the tags gives an indication of the suggested recipient.’ Jacques picked one out of the wheelbarrow. ‘This one says… someone young at heart. OK, that was a bad example and I have no idea who is going to make a call on that one.’ He put the gift back in the wheelbarrow.
Tommy picked a present up and checked the tag. ‘This one says… I don’t know… my French is bad lately.’ He passed the gift to Jacques.
‘It says “ quelqu’un qui offrira un foyer aimant à un petit ami ”. It means “someone who can offer a loving home to a little friend”.’
‘Why are they so cryptic?’
‘Because there would be no surprise if people write on the front what is inside.’
Tommy sighed. ‘Isn’t that a guide for life.’
Jacques caught the contemplative tone and he put the parcel back in the brouette , replaced the tarpaulin keeping the presents away from the elements and nudged his brother with his elbow. ‘Talk to me.’
‘Whoa, hold up, are you crazy?’
‘What?’
‘You’ve never said those words before. Actually, no, that’s a lie. You have said those words before but they’ve always had “do not” in front of them.’
‘Then you should make the most of this new opportunity,’ Jacques suggested. He indicated the bench next to the Christmas tree they were meant to be putting more decorations on, despite it being loaded already. Tommy sat down and Jacques joined him.
‘So, have you ever felt like you’re at this crossroads in life and you don’t know which way to go? Or even if any of the roads are real?’ Tommy asked him.
‘OK,’ Jacques said. ‘These are big questions.’
‘Were you hoping I was just gonna ask if Santa Claus was real?’
‘No, that is also a big question.’
‘I don’t know what to do,’ Tommy admitted. ‘I mean, I got my sports leadership qualification, but do I want a career teaching people how to be a team? And, you know, fixing to something means permanence, right? I’m not good at that. I like getting on planes or boats when I feel like it.’
‘But Dad won’t be able to support you forever, Tommy. You’re eighteen now.’
‘And he still feels as guilty now as he did back when Mom left. That’s why he’s still handing out the dollars.’
‘And you shouldn’t be taking them.’
Tommy shrugged. ‘I never could turn down a free ride.’
‘Except, when you get something for free it usually means you’re not the consumer, you’re the product.’
‘Even when it comes to Dad?’
‘Maybe.’ He sighed. ‘I don’t know.’
There was a brief silence and Jacques watched Tommy making circles in the snow with his trainers. What advice could he give his brother? He wasn’t exactly in the best position in his own life to hand down any kind of wisdom.
‘I don’t know,’ Tommy started. ‘I thought I might look into joining the police.’
Jacques’s heart lurched. ‘Are you serious?’
‘What if I am?’
‘Tommy, the police… it is not like you think. It is not eating doughnuts and running around putting handcuffs on bad people?—’
‘How old do you think I am? Seven?’
‘No, but, you know how my time in the police was and?—’
‘You know, I don’t,’ Tommy said firmly. ‘I don’t know how your time in the police was because you never actually opened up about it.’
‘With good reason.’
‘But, Jacques, you say that with no context and when I asked Dad about it he just palmed me another fifty.’
He knew it was true. He knew he hadn’t just shut Katie down when she had brought it up, he hadn’t said anything about the dark depths of his job to his family either. He had just made moves on their behalf to keep them safe. Distanced himself here in Saint-Chambéry. Minimised contact. Discouraged in-person visits – would still be doing that now if anyone made the suggestion instead of just turning up. But were any of them safer not knowing? Wasn’t forewarned being forearmed?
‘I cannot tell you what to do with your future, Tommy,’ Jacques began. ‘But I can try to warn you about what not to do with it.’ He sighed. ‘Joining the police, it is a big commitment. Even from the very beginning it’s something you need to be so sure of.’
‘And you were sure of it for you?’
‘I thought I was,’ Jacques said. ‘But, looking back, I don’t think I was at all prepared for how it turned out.’
‘You went undercover, right? I guessed that much,’ Tommy said.
He nodded. ‘More than once. In different places. The last one was for eighteen months.’
‘Shit. So, when you said you were in Germany…’
‘I was in Germany.’
‘Yeah, but, I was imagining a little wurst , maybe some beer festivals and casual sightseeing…’
‘I went to see Borussia Dortmund play,’ Jacques stated. ‘When I wasn’t trying not to kill people unlawfully and keep my cover.’
‘Man, your life is sounding like a movie right now. I see Keanu Reeves playing you in theatres.’
He sighed. ‘It wasn’t exciting. Most days it was terrifying. Until it became my normal and that’s when it is the most dangerous and the lines begin to blur.’
‘Was that what happened? Did you have to break cover before you… lost yourself?’
‘No,’ Jacques said bluntly. ‘I was never going to leave until the job was done. No matter how things ended for me.’
He hadn’t realised quite how blunt that sounded until the words were out of his mouth. But it was nothing short of the truth. He would have been prepared to sacrifice anything – even himself – to bring these men to justice.
‘You had a purpose,’ Tommy said quietly. ‘I don’t have that.’
‘Tommy… you’re still young.’
‘Yeah, but I should have some fucking idea what comes next, right?’
‘It doesn’t happen overnight. Not everyone finds what they want to do with their life the second they leave school or college.’
‘You did.’
‘But, Tommy, look at me now,’ he said, gesturing to their surroundings. ‘Hiding in a cabin in the smallest village in rural France, having lost my purpose, sitting in front of a symbolic wheelbarrow and a Christmas tree.’
Tommy shrugged. ‘Things could be worse.’
‘Yeah,’ Jacques admitted. ‘Things could be worse.’ He paused, looking at the scene in front of him. ‘Hunter could be about to knock down that small child if they keep waving their arms like that.’ He stood up and whistled hard. Immediately his dog stopped what it was doing and powered over towards them, dropping to sit at Jacques’s feet. Jacques retook his seat on the bench.
‘See,’ Tommy said. ‘You’re a natural problem solver. Me, well, I just run away. You know, can’t make a decision about my future, run away, Dad pisses me off, run away, Mom makes contact enough to piss me off, run away.’
He looked at his little brother then and got a glimpse of the vulnerable teenager beneath the outer shell of swagger he put on for the world.
‘You don’t run away from me,’ Jacques said. ‘You always run towards me, no matter what I try to do to prevent it.’
Tommy let out a breath. ‘Yeah, well, that’s because you’re the only one who listens to me and because I know you need me maybe even more than I need you.’
And now the astuteness was kicking in and he was suddenly overwhelmed with the urge to… put an arm around Tommy’s shoulders. He didn’t think about it, he just did it, tightening his grip quickly and pulling him close.
‘What the fuck, Jacques,’ Tommy reacted. ‘Is this a move you learned in the force because I’m having trouble breathing right now.’
‘Oh, sorry,’ he said, loosening the hold a little.
‘Yeah, that’s better,’ Tommy said, coughing. ‘Less of a reminder that I could really do with hitting the gym.’
‘Don’t force a decision,’ Jacques told him. ‘Don’t think just because you’re an adult now that you have to do anything or be anywhere or have career aspirations.’
‘So, carry on living off Dad?’
‘I didn’t say that either.’
‘I know I need to get a job but, you know, I don’t wanna start something I can’t finish. Just like you said.’
‘Ah,’ Jacques said, feeling older than he ever had. ‘But that depends on whose terms you are working to. What is the finish line? Whatever you do, only you can decide that.’
‘Jesus,’ Tommy remarked. ‘Now you’re sounding like Delphine.’
Jacques swallowed. His friend. Struggling with her own crisis. And he couldn’t share that with anyone yet. Distraction .
‘So, I might have… maybe… asked Orla to go on a date with me,’ Jacques stated.
‘Whoa! Bro, are you for real?’ Tommy exclaimed.
He took a breath and nodded. ‘Yes.’
‘Wow, I wasn’t sure the day would ever come.’
‘And that is why I have no idea what to do,’ Jacques admitted.
‘OK, that’s bad.’
‘Well, as your reaction suggested, it’s been a long time.’
‘And you’re asking for my input? I’ve had two dates,’ Tommy said. ‘One of them we shared a pizza on the wall of a parking lot. Her choice. The second one I went all out with melted chocolate and strawberries and the chocolate got too hot and almost gave us third-degree burns.’
‘Now I am worrying about things I wasn’t thinking about before.’
‘OK, well, the key to a successful date according to most of the reels I get served on my “for you” page is “thoughtfulness”. It’s not buying two hundred red roses or something from Pandora, it’s about having listened and absorbed the little things they’ve shared with you and delivering those in a romantic way.’
‘OK,’ Jacques said, nodding but already feeling the clench in his stomach that said he was so far out of his comfort zone he could no longer see the border.
‘And your fit.’
‘Yeah, I know, we established you need to spend more time in the gym.’
Tommy laughed and Hunter sat up and barked. ‘No, man, your fit. What you’re gonna wear to impress Orla.’
He frowned then. He dressed for practicality not for fashion.
‘Oh my God, Hunter, right now I think you’d have more of a chance taking Orla on a date,’ Tommy said, rubbing the dog’s fur.
‘I can’t deny that,’ Jacques answered. ‘Although I would hope that I won’t drool as much as Hunter would.’
‘Over the food or over Orla?’ Tommy asked, grinning.
‘Hey,’ Jacques said. ‘I’m not comfortable with you making jokes like that.’
Tommy laughed. ‘I’m an adult, remember. But, listen, bro, I got you. You work out where you’re gonna take her and what you’re gonna do and I’ll make you look as fine as I can.’
Hunter barked then as if the suggestion was set.
‘OK,’ Jacques said, getting to his feet. ‘Enough talking for now. If we don’t get these Christmas decorations up around the town then Delphine is going to be on the war path.’
‘Yeah, and no one wants that,’ Tommy agreed. ‘Come on, Hunter. Let’s go put some more tinsel up! Come on, boy!’
Jacques watched his brother run off, Hunter yapping at his heels and, as he looked across the village square, he sensed a little change in the air.