8
8
From: Rhys Baker
To: Ginger Davies
Subject: [No subject]
I don’t really know where to start. I just wanted to see how things were going and let you know the ink in the pen you used was permanent. It took days to disappear. I was all careful on the bus in case it blurred or something, but no need to worry about that. I guess I should say semipermanent, but either way, you chose a good one.
Well, I hope you’re good, Ginger Snap.
From: Ginger Davies
To: Rhys Baker
Subject: I’m not crazy
Okay, so it’s been four days since I left, and I guess I can admit I didn’t think you’d write me. I mean, I’d get it, after seeing me run at you with a marker in my hand like a knife-wielding psycho from the movies. But I don’t know, I just realized then that it had been so long since I’d met anyone I felt so good with and I was sad when I thought we’d never learn any more about each other. And I thought about all the things I didn’t have time to ask you, all the things we didn’t talk about, and you know, the rest is history. Do you think I’m spinning out?
P.S. I’ll ignore you calling me Ginger Snap.
From: Rhys Baker
To: Ginger Davies
Subject: You’re not crazy
You’re not spinning out. We can talk sometimes. Be friends. Don’t leave me hanging: What were those questions you wanted to ask me?
BTW, did you ever see Dean again? How are you handling it?
From: Ginger Davies
To: Rhys Baker
Subject: RE: You’re not crazy
Yeah, I saw him. Didn’t I tell you? We’re in all the same classes except for two electives and we’ve been assigned to a project together in one of them. Brilliant, right? It’s going to be hell. At least I’m in the dorms, in my own room, safe and far from my parents. You can already imagine how they reacted to the breakup. Bad. At first, at least. Then my father surprised me, like, “Most men want to have a little fun before they settle down.” You know what, Rhys? I think you’d be proud of me. In any other moment, I’d have just swallowed my anger, but this time, I didn’t. I remembered what we’d talked about, how it’s so hard to be yourself, and I wish you could have seen my dad’s face when I started yelling at him about how stupid and sexist what he said was. He was freaking out.
I know I write too much, the same way I talk too much.
As far as questions, I don’t know… Just everything. I need to know everything about you, Rhys.
From: Rhys Baker
To: Ginger Davies
Subject: RE: RE: You’re not crazy
You’re right. I’m proud of you. And you’re also right about what he said. It was stupid. You know what I think? You need to have fun and experiment and go on a million adventures. Did that ever occur to you? I’m going to ask you a question. Here goes (I can almost imagine you blushing): How many guys have you slept with? Or girls?
From: Ginger Davies
To: Rhys Baker
Subject: You’re an idiot
I didn’t blush and you’re an idiot, just so you know. Now that we’ve got the important stuff out of the way, I may as well say yes, just as you guessed, I’ve only been with Dean. What did you expect? I started going out with him when I was sixteen. I’ve never even kissed another guy. There. I said it. And worst of all, I don’t know if I could. I mean, I could. But I couldn’t. You know what I mean?
From: Rhys Baker
To: Ginger Davies
Subject: RE: You’re an idiot
I admit it. I’m an idiot. And no, I don’t know what you mean, and I couldn’t unless someone invented a machine for translating feelings that don’t make sense. What does that “But I couldn’t” of yours mean? Because I don’t get it. You’re very much on the earth right now.
From: Ginger Davies
To: Rhys Baker
Subject: RE: RE: You’re an idiot
I don’t get what you mean by “You’re very much on the earth right now.”
As far as the other thing… I don’t know, Rhys. Like I want to, okay? I do want to experience freedom… Do you ever just want to be someone you’re not? I do. For example, I’d like to not be embarrassed by my body. I mean, I’m not embarrassed; I’m like…shy. Don’t laugh. I know you’re laughing. I’m thinking about girls who go around without a bra on and don’t care, or those people you see in Europe sunbathing without a top. Or who wear some piece of clothing they love, even if it doesn’t look that great on them. Isn’t that wonderful? Doing whatever you feel like without thinking twice; it must be so liberating.
As far as going out with other people, I don’t know…
What’s your story? Do you date or whatever? I never asked.
Is there someone special in your life?
From: Rhys Baker
To: Ginger Davies
Subject: RE: RE: RE: You’re an idiot
No, there’s no one special. I do go out though. I know chicks; we have fun together. What’s wrong with that? You should give it a shot, Ginger. You don’t have to spend your whole life waiting for Dean to get bored and come back.
Why can’t you be the type of girl you were talking about?
I for one fully support not wearing a bra.
Not to mention going topless. Don’t stop yourself.
From: Ginger Davies
To: Rhys Baker
Subject: Let’s change the subject
Look, maybe it’s best to put aside the liberation of my breasts and my nonexistent sex life. Especially since yours must be way more interesting. Whatever. Right now I should be studying for this week’s exam, but I decided I’d rather write you. I have a confession to make: I googled “DJ and electronic music composer,” and I know now what all those gadgets you had on your table in that attic were. How did you get into that?
From: Rhys Baker
To: Ginger Davies
Subject: RE: Let’s change the subject
You honestly don’t want to go on talking about your sex life and liberating your breasts? I don’t find the subject uncomfortable. I mean, boobs are boobs. And sex is sex. They should teach us about it differently in school, show us that it’s something normal. Maybe that way, girls like you wouldn’t blush when they said the word fuck . Before you chew me out, I’m not making fun of you, Ginger. It’s just an observation. I like imagining a parallel reality where you adore every part of your body and enjoy it.
At least tell me you masturbate.
Denying yourself that is a sin.
At this point you’re probably banging on your computer screen, so I’ll answer your question: I ended up doing electronic music by accident. I was lost at the time and didn’t know what to do with my life. I’m talking about a year ago. I met a friend of a friend who was into it and let me try. And I just loved it. I don’t know. I just disconnect from everything, and all I’m paying attention to is the music; that’s all there is. I’m going to tell you a secret: it’s not my favorite kind of music, but it’s the one kind I know how to make. And when you’re doing it, it’s yours every step of the way, from the composition to the mixing to the recording. I like that. I don’t know why.
What kind of music are you into?
From: Ginger Davies
To: Rhys Baker
Subject: RE: RE: Let’s change the subject
One thing at a time. Yes, Rhys, I masturbate, even if I can’t believe you asked me that. You can rest easy; I know what I’m doing and I’m quite satisfied in that regard. I hope you’re not smiling stupidly while you read this. That’s not what I wanted to write about though. I mean, it is, but it isn’t. I apologize in advance, but you’re going to have to get used to me saying things like It is, but it isn’t , because lots of things are just like that, contradictory. What I was trying to tell you the other day was that it would be weird for me to sleep with a guy who wasn’t Dean, because I’ve never done it before and it would mean breaking with everything I’ve ever known. But I would like to know what it feels like to be with another person.
You and my sister would get along well. You think the same way, basically. Her name’s Donna; she’s three years older than me. She finished college last year, so that means everything’s kind of come at me all at once: she’s not in the dorm anymore, Dean’s off doing his thing, and I don’t know if the other girls in my year like me. They look at me weird when I talk so much. I get it, of course. There’s one who’s nice though; Kate, she sits next to me in statistics. I don’t even know why I’m telling you all this.
I like what you say about your job.
Honestly, I’m not very musical. Don’t hate me. I mean, I know the major groups. I don’t know what makes a song great or terrible though. I put on the radio sometimes, that’s all. Why don’t you send me some of your stuff? I’ll probably like it.
From: Rhys Baker
To: Ginger Davies
Subject: Listen to your sister
Seriously now, I hear you when you say it’s hard for you to imagine sleeping with another person after being with him so many years. I can’t know what you feel, Ginger. I’m trying to cheer you up, but I’ve never been in a relationship for five years. I imagine you can’t just erase that though.
Don’t try and make me get all deep.
But listen to your sister. She sounds like the kind of smart girl who’s always right about everything. Anyway, it’s a good thing there’s not much left of this school year. You should go out and try to meet more people like Kate.
Didn’t you have friends before you broke up with Dean?
Does he not even try to stay in contact with you?
I can’t believe you’re just not into music. It’s weird; I thought you’d be one of those girls who goes everywhere with her headphones on. I don’t know why; it’s just what I imagined. I’ll have to show you the basics at some point. I apologize though: I’m not ready to send you one of my songs. Don’t get mad. I will later, maybe, okay? I promise. When I have one I think you’ll like.
From: Ginger Davies
To: Rhys Baker
Subject: This is unfair
What do you mean, maybe later? This is unfair. I know we barely know each other, a month has passed, and now I think back to that night in Paris, and it almost seems like it wasn’t real. But still, I won’t judge you. We’re almost friends, right? Or trying to be friends if that sounds better to you. I know I’ll like anything you do.
Send me a song, please, please, please.
From: Rhys Baker
To: Ginger Davies
Subject: RE: This is unfair
You didn’t answer me about Dean…
From: Ginger Davies
To: Rhys Baker
Subject: RE: RE: This is unfair
You didn’t send me a song…
From: Rhys Baker
To: Ginger Davies
Subject: RE: RE: RE: This is unfair
Are we really going to fight about this? I admit it, it sounds fucking crazy, but it feels weird not hearing from you for the past four days. Ginger, Ginger Snap, I’m working on something, I’ll send it soon. Deal?
Say yes. I miss your messages.
Did you get your grades back yet?
From: Ginger Davies
To: Rhys Baker
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: This is unfair
Have you ever seen one of those cop shows where there’s hostages and they bring in a negotiator to keep the guy from killing all the people he’s got locked up in a supermarket? Because you’re one of those. And that’s cheating. I’m not saying I’m on the killer’s side, but it’s not fair for me to tell you things and you just listen like this was confession and don’t give anything back.
Are we friends or not? Because friendship is reciprocal.
From: Rhys Baker
To: Ginger Davies
Subject: Friends 4ever
Yes, Ginger, we’re friends.
And you’re right, it’s hard for me to talk about myself and I really like learning about you. I won’t argue there. But I promise I’ll try harder. So let’s see. What can I tell you? Right now I’m at the airport. My plane leaves in three hours. I’m going to New York for a month. I’m nervous. It’s weird. I might see my mom. Maybe. I’m going because a friend got me a gig in a bar. I’ll be filling in for someone. You know what? I feel strange leaving Paris. I’ve never had this feeling before.
I hope you’re well. Look on the bright side: one day we might be shopping and wind up in a hostage situation. And you’ll live, thanks to me being there.
From: Ginger Davies
To: Rhys Baker
Subject: RE: Friends 4ever
I like this subject line so much that I don’t think I’ll ever, ever change it. Yeah, we’re friends. I admit it: it’s weird for me to go too many days without hearing from you too. Strange, right? Getting so used to looking at my email in bed right before going to sleep every day and finding one of your messages there.
It’s hard to imagine you in New York. I always have this idea of you walking the same streets in Paris we saw together, but I’m glad you’ll get to see your mother. How long has it been? You seem a little sad, or am I just making things up? Ignore me. You know I’ve got that tendency.
I got an A on the exam. So I’m happy. As far as Dean and our friends, I could write a book about that. And I don’t want to bore you.
From: Ginger Davies
To: Rhys Baker
Subject: RE: Friends 4ever
I forgot to ask: Why did you feel weird leaving Paris?
From: Rhys Baker
To: Ginger Davies
Subject: RE: RE: Friends 4ever
I’ve gotten used to seeing your emails too…
Yeah, you’re right. I’m a little sad. I don’t know if my writing shows it or if you just know me better than I thought possible, but traveling to America makes me feel nostalgic. I guess it’s the thought that I could just rent a motorcycle, hit the road, and go home. To my real home. When I’m far away in Europe, I don’t think so much about my family. It’s almost like that ocean between us makes me feel secure. Does that make sense? Probably to you. But don’t overthink it, Snaps.
Tell me all about Dean and your friends, please. I love reading your emails. And it’s good for me at times like these, when I feel like this. I’m writing you from a tiny bedroom in an apartment I’m sharing with five people. I don’t know if I can take it much longer. I like traveling the world and laying my head wherever, but once a few days pass, I need my space, my solitude, and having too many people around makes me feel like I’m drowning. I suppose you get that too.
As for Paris… I don’t know…
When I left, I felt like I was forgetting something.
Don’t try to figure out what that means, Ginger.
From: Ginger Davies
To: Rhys Baker
Subject: RE: RE: RE: Friends 4ever
Oh, Rhys, I can’t stand thinking you’re sad. And so far away! What I mean is, if I was there, we could see each other for a coffee, and I could cheer you up and make some dumb remark, the kind only you don’t find embarrassing. I think I understand what you’re telling me. You’re there; it makes you feel closer to home. I’ll bet you can’t stop thinking about it. I don’t know what to say to make you feel better, but I’ll do what you say and tell you about Dean.
I had friends, but we always went out with the same group. And it’s not like he just wanted to drop me; I had a hand in it too. It’s no fun going out with your friends one night for a drink and having to watch your ex try to hook up with the waitress and even getting her number, you know? And that happened the first time I decided to go out. Look, I’m not one of those strong women who’s all brave and can leave her boyfriend of five years, and then two weeks later it’s like nothing ever happened. Now I’m starting to feel better though. I’m finding myself. Don’t laugh. You were right. We were like Siamese twins; we did everything together. Maybe that’s why it was so hard to get used to being without him. I mean, getting up every morning and reminding myself I didn’t need to call to wake him up because he always shut off his alarm, or standing outside the door to his dorm waiting to walk to school with him and get a coffee from the corner shop where they make the best cappuccino in the world (you can’t even imagine how good it is). Then there’s the classes we share. Then there’s our social life. I’ve had to cut the cord. But I feel better. Actually, you know what? I think I’m going to go to a party Kate invited me to next week. It’ll do me some good.
Tell me how things are in New York.
From: Rhys Baker
To: Ginger Davies
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: Friends 4ever
Dean’s an idiot. You don’t have to be a genius to know how to use a little tact. I have no idea what it was you saw in him for so many years.
I’m glad to hear about the party. Have fun, Ginger. Go crazy. Throw on something you feel insanely sexy in, don’t think about anything, dance, and talk to any stranger you come across (even if obviously he won’t be as awesome as me). Be the girl you want to be. Dare.
I’m better now. I’m going to LA in a few days. I’ve got friends there. When you travel as much as I do, you end up with friends all over the world. I don’t talk to them every day, obviously. We have a different kind of friendship. Anyway, I’ll stay there awhile and see if I find work or something. Making it up as I go along has its benefits.
Before I leave, I’m going to see my mom. She’s coming to New York next week. I didn’t answer when you asked, but I haven’t seen her in more than a year. Not since last Christmas, when I got into it with my dad. It wigs me out just thinking about it. But I also don’t know how to wriggle out of it. I feel like I’ve gotten into something, and there’s no turning back.
Keep me up to date on your next steps, Ginger. And have fun.