19
19
From: Ginger Davies
To: Rhys Baker
Subject: Home sweet home
I’m back at the dorm. Isn’t it weird that this kind of feels more like home than home? I guess it was a process, so I didn’t really realize it. But one day I woke up, and the place in the city had changed from “home” to “my parents’ house,” and it was as simple as that. It was less mine, even if I have a room and all my things there. It’s almost like a museum.
Do you still have your old room, Rhys?
I don’t know why, but that’s hard for me to imagine.
I haven’t heard from you much lately. Are you okay? I hope so. I don’t have much to tell. I’m excited and terrified for the school year. On the one hand, it’s great to be sharing a room with Kate and to know that next summer will mark the end of a major phase in my life, but I’m also scared of what will come afterward. I think I’ll feel like a tennis ball getting struck, bouncing back and forth, and getting lost. And I’ll have to deal with things I’m not even thinking about right now, but whatever, I’m also excited to start my adult life (you probably hate that expression).
I forgot to tell you I talked to Dean. He came with his parents to eat at my house. I thought it wouldn’t affect me, because we see each other at school and all, but I think it was different, seeing him in that environment, because I couldn’t stop remembering all that we had shared. Weird, right? How complex emotions are. I felt like I’d been keeping mine down too long, and when I finally let them out, they were…faint, like they’d lost intensity. The heat in them was gone.
I have to go. I’m taking a walk with Kate.
Kisses. Waiting for signs of life.
From: Rhys Baker
To: Ginger Davies
Subject: Signs of life
Sorry for being a little absent; things have been complicated these days. Yeah, I hate the expression adult life . It should just be life , nothing else. My favorite story used to be Peter Pan , so don’t pay me any mind.
You know it’s been a while since I’ve been home, but the last time I was there, my room was just your typical teenage guy’s bedroom. There were fewer posters and less junk, but the shelves were still full of models I used to make with my dad, and a baseball signed by one of my favorite players was on the desk and… I don’t know, I can’t remember anything else. Books, photos, stuff.
I’ve been thinking about the thing with Dean for a while now… I think I get it. How the setting made it feel different. What did he say to you?
From: Ginger Davies
To: Rhys Baker
Subject: RE: Signs of life
I won’t go into my conversation with Dean until you tell me what’s up with you. You seem…glummer than usual? If that’s possible. Come on, Rhys, you can trust me. I’m a good listener (reader).
Kisses (for real).
From: Rhys Baker
To: Ginger Davies
Subject: RE: RE: Signs of life
That’s the problem, I don’t know what’s up with me. This has been a weird summer. I’ve had fun, I’ve had sex, I’ve laughed, I’ve hung out on the beach, I’ve written songs, I’ve spent time with friends, but at the same time… I don’t know, I have this feeling I’m looking for something and it’s not there. And maybe…maybe it just doesn’t exist.
I like your kisses (for real).
From: Ginger Davies
To: Rhys Baker
Subject: RE: RE: RE: Signs of life
I get it, Rhys. I think we all feel that way sometimes, even if we don’t all look for it as intensely as you. But we are all aspiring for that something more , right? Has it occurred to you that maybe you’re looking for what they call happiness? Also, some people are able to just accept their surroundings, and some aren’t. I don’t know. Maybe it’s sad, but that’s just how it is…
From: Rhys Baker
To: Ginger Davies
Subject: Life
I don’t like to think about you just accepting things, Ginger.
Especially not if you think it’s fucking sad.
I know you think you need to, but you don’t have to hold on to a nine-to-five, buy a car, get a mortgage, get married, have a honeymoon in the Caribbean. Don’t get me wrong. All that’s perfect if you’re into it, but you can’t see it as an obligation or something that’s written in stone.
You can be whatever you want, Ginger.
From: Ginger Davies
To: Rhys Baker
Subject: RE: Life
Everything you’re saying is brilliant in theory, but it’s hard to make happen in practice. But who cares? I don’t want to talk about that. What would change? You didn’t conform, and you still can’t find whatever you’re looking for. Isn’t this why the conversation started?
From: Ginger Davies
To: Rhys Baker
Subject: RE: Life
Rhys, are you mad?
From: Ginger Davies
To: Rhys Baker
Subject: RE: Life
If you’re mad, you might as well know I think you’re acting like a five-year-old. Six, maybe. If you’re lucky. This is class-idiot behavior.
From: Rhys Baker
To: Ginger Davies
Subject: RE: RE: Life
Whatever. I’ve got the brain of a six-year-old.
(Better than being an eighty-two-year-old.)
From: Ginger Davies
To: Rhys Baker
Subject: RE: RE: RE: Life
Ha ha ha. I can’t believe it.
You know what, you may act all independent and depressed and like you’re just over life, but you remind me sometimes of the typical spoiled little kid who was a football star in high school and got to be prom king like in the movies. Admit it’s true, and maybe I’d be willing to sign a truce.
From: Rhys Baker
To: Ginger Davies
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: Life
Maybe you just hit the nail on the head, Ginger Snap.
So fine, I’ll sign the truce.
From: Ginger Davies
To: Rhys Baker
Subject: I HIT THE NAIL ON THE HEAD?
What does that mean? Rhys, Rhys, RHYS.
Answer me. Seriously. Don’t let the curiosity kill me.
From: Rhys Baker
To: Ginger Davies
Subject: Let’s negotiate
You first. You still haven’t told me about your fascinating emotional conversation with Dean before you went back to the dorm. Don’t make me beg.
From: Ginger Davies
To: Rhys Baker
Subject: RE: Let’s negotiate
If I tell you, will you explain what you meant by hitting the nail on the head and give me a brief report on what your former life was like? I hate how we always get lost in other subjects.
From: Rhys Baker
To: Ginger Davies
Subject: RE: RE: Let’s negotiate
Deal. You tell me about Dean, I’ll tell you what you want to know.