51
51
From: Rhys Baker
To: Ginger Davies
Subject: Happy New Year, Ginger Snap
Here we go again. I celebrated it with a bunch of people, but you’re the person I was thinking of. I don’t know why. Don’t ask. I know I shouldn’t write you when I’ve been drinking, but I keep thinking about you… You feel so far away…and finally I decided to leave the party and come back to the hotel… Alexa still isn’t here.
The moon is round tonight. You know something? It’s not actually a perfect sphere; it’s oval or egg-shaped. The moon’s an egg, what do you think of that, Ginger? Funny, right? Speaking of, I hope that whatever you’re doing right now, you’re having a blast…maybe going a little crazy.
If we lived in the same city, we’d do a different crazy thing together every day. I wouldn’t let you wimp out, no matter what kind of faces you made. I don’t know what I’m getting at; it’s just that I miss you, Ginger. Can you miss a person you’ve only ever seen twice in your life? I guess it’s that those two nights with you were the best ones I remember. Do you do that ever? Remember them?
Maybe I should stop writing now. I just wanted you to know I’m a shitty friend for being so absent lately and that I miss you, but I think I already said that, and despite everything, you’re one of the most important people in my life…
I found a little bottle of gin in the minibar, so…to your health, Ginger! I don’t know when or how, but I think we should see each other this year.
From: Ginger Davies
To: Rhys Baker
Subject: Happy New Year, Rhys
I was surprised by your email. Sometimes I like drunk Rhys better than sober Rhys. He cuts loose easier. Takes more risks. Anyway…you’re really important to me too, and I don’t like there being distance between us. But sometimes… I do have this feeling like our worlds have pulled apart, you know? I don’t know, your song just blew up so fast, and now your life… Like everything I tell you about my days seems so boring and stupid and routine compared to what you’re up to. Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy for you. Really. A bunch. You’ve got talent. But just don’t get lost. Okay?
From: Rhys Baker
To: Ginger Davies
Subject: I wouldn’t
Sorry. I reread my message from the other night, and I promised myself I wouldn’t write you again when I was drinking, but now it seems I’m having trouble sticking to it. You know what it is? I’m one of those people who gets nostalgic and sentimental when I’m drunk. Don’t laugh, it’s true.
I won’t get lost, Ginger. I’ve had some weird days, but I think I needed them to remember some stuff. I went to see my mom for Christmas, I didn’t tell you that. Actually, I haven’t told you anything about what’s been going on the past few weeks, but yeah, I saw her. We had spaghetti with melted cheese. And we talked. And I remembered why I love her so much. But at the same time, it scared me because of all that implied.
Sometimes I wish I just didn’t feel anything… That would be easier…
The whole house is still full of photographs. You were right. I think I don’t like them because they’re the prologue to a story that only the people there know about. Like a door. You open it up, and you go inside…and then it’s hard to come back out. Not to mention just the memories themselves… Don’t you think we distort them sometimes? Memories…they’re moldable; they change, depending on the perspective and mind of the person they belong to. I just keep wondering if many of the things I remember might not be true, if there are things in them I couldn’t see because I didn’t have the right information.
Crazy, isn’t it? Anyway…
Don’t ever say again that you think you’ll bore me. It’s not true. I never get bored with you, Ginger. And I like knowing everything about your days, even if it’s just routine stuff. It’s definitely more interesting than all the bullshit and stupid little stories I hear every time someone gets introduced to me, and lately that’s all the time.
From: Ginger Davies
To: Rhys Baker
Subject: RE: I wouldn’t
You don’t know how happy I am that you went to see your mom and you spent the day together. Are you ever going to tell me what happened with your father? I guess your relationship must have taken a turn when you were a teenager. It happens to all of us, right? On different levels, obviously. But we think our parents are superheroes and the best people in the world, and then we grow up and start noticing their weaknesses, the fact that they, too, make mistakes, all these things no one can understand when they’re little…
I know you don’t like to talk about this. And yes, I think what you say about memories is true. They’re not always true to reality. I guess it depends on the prism you see them through. Why are we getting so philosophical, Rhys? I’d like to tell you something funny, but I can’t think of anything… I’m going through a weird moment, you’ve probably noticed. It’s not just your fault that we’re not in touch as much. Sometimes when I get home at night, I sit in front of the computer and…for the first time ever, I don’t want to tell you about my day. It’s not you; it’s that my day is always garbage.
I guess time will make that better.
From: Rhys Baker
To: Ginger Davies
Subject: I remembered!
Happy friendiversary, Ginger Snap.
That word still makes my skin crawl… But it’s two years ago today that we met, so I guess I’ll try and get past it again. Things sure have changed in that short time, haven’t they? You were in college, you’d just broken up with Dean, and I was in Paris with no idea what was coming…
And now here we are. Being all philosophical.
I need to go because my plane’s leaving in a few hours, but I promise I’ll get back in touch as soon as I’m at the hotel.
From: Ginger Davies
To: Rhys Baker
Subject: Friendiversary
It’s true! It makes me shiver when I think back on it. What times those were, right? Honestly, I miss how easy it was, living at the dorm, eating in the cafeteria, my whole life revolving around what happened on campus. I knew you’d end up making it and would have fans. Maybe you’re not super well-known yet, but everything takes time.
Where are you going? A festival in Nevada?
From: Rhys Baker
To: Ginger Davies
Subject: RE: Friendiversary
Yeah, I’m spinning tomorrow night.
Okay, I’m ready to tell you about my father… We got along fine when I was a teenager. Well, actually, I was the typical spoiled brat from a wealthy family, remember? My grades weren’t stellar, but I got by, and I was good at sports. The problems came later. For a long time, everything was great. When I was a kid, I adored my dad. You’re right. For me, he was invincible, like a superhero. I loved having breakfast with him on Sundays, and sometimes, on the weekdays, I’d wait for him, playing outside the front door just to see him get home with his suitcase and his jacket and tie on.
From: Ginger Davies
To: Rhys Baker
Subject: RE: RE: Friendiversary
It’s so sweet, all this you’re telling me, Rhys.
So when did everything change?
From: Rhys Baker
To: Ginger Davies
Subject: RE: RE: RE: Friendiversary
I guess I veered off the straight and narrow. If that even exists. I tried three different majors. I dropped out of all of them. I was lost. I didn’t like anything; nothing made me happy or fulfilled me. My parents were more or less understanding, but naturally, they pressured me a little. What parent wouldn’t? Plus, my dad had always hoped I’d work for his practice. And then…my mom got sick.
I’ve never talked about that, I don’t think.
She had cancer. It was really bad. It’s still hard for me to think back on. Seeing her like that, I mean. Just eaten up by illness. Struggling to survive. I know it’s fucking selfish, but it hurt me to see her every day. It was like… I don’t know, like someone cut open a hole in my chest. I can’t even explain it in words. I’ve never been good at communicating, you know that, Ginger; it’s not my strong point, though you’re maybe the one exception. I held on as best I could, swallowing all those emotions.
But then something happened. And I abandoned her.
I left. I did it when she was at her worst point. The doctors didn’t even know if she’d survive. But I left. I couldn’t… I just couldn’t stay…
That was the first trip I took. I didn’t know then I’d just keep traveling. I was a bad son, I know. I don’t know what I was thinking. How I could do it? I don’t know why she forgave me when I never told her what I was feeling. She didn’t need to. But I came back, and she hugged me. With Dad, though…that was where everything fell apart.
I fucked up. And he destroyed me.
I guess it was only fair.
From: Ginger Davies
To: Rhys Baker
Subject: I’m so sorry
My God, Rhys, that’s terrible. I won’t tell you that you did the right thing, but you were young and sometimes we don’t know how to manage our emotions. We all have the right to regret things and to say we’re sorry. The situation was too much for you, and you made a mistake. You just shouldn’t pay for it forever. It’s so sad that you and your father haven’t talked…
From: Rhys Baker
To: Ginger Davies
Subject: Everything’s fine
Believe me, it’s best like this. Let’s change the subject. We’re getting dark, aren’t we, Ginger Snap? What happened to the times when we used to joke around in all our emails and talk about your marvelous dates or other bullshit? I miss that.
By the way, in mid-March I’ll be at a festival in Germany. It’s not exactly next door, but you could always catch a plane and come see me. Be crazy. The way you did one night when you met a boy in the subway in Paris.
What do you say? It could be fun.
From: Ginger Davies
To: Rhys Baker
Subject: In case you forgot
Maybe you don’t remember I’m presently enslaved. I work from Monday to Friday, and when the weekend comes, I’m exhausted (and I often still have to go with Dad on visits to our purveyors and things like that, but it’s best not to go into it, because you’ll die of boredom).
Anyway, I’m not interested in being a third wheel. I nose around on Alexa’s Instagram sometimes, and two days ago she posted a photo of her sitting on your knees in the VIP at some club as she was giving you mouth-to-mouth. (I hope you survived. I’m praying for you, but just so you know, I think her technique’s off.) You didn’t tell me you were together. I know she goes almost everywhere with you, so it would be…very uncomfortable.
I don’t think I told you this, but Dean’s getting married.
From: Rhys Baker
To: Ginger Davies
Subject: Come on, Ginger
Seriously? He’s getting married? That was a turbo courtship.
I was still breathing, but thanks for worrying about me. And I’m not with her. Not exactly. What’s it matter, anyway? I want to see you.
From: Ginger Davies
To: Rhys Baker
Subject: RE: Come on, Ginger
“Not exactly” is very ambiguous.
And yeah: Dean said, “Love at first sight.”
From: Rhys Baker
To: Ginger Davies
Subject: How it is
I just don’t know, okay? I don’t know if we’re together.
Should I? Sometimes I don’t understand myself.
From: Ginger Davies
To: Rhys Baker
Subject: It’s easy
Are you in love with her?
From: Rhys Baker
To: Ginger Davies
Subject: RE: It’s easy
Shit, Ginger. Where do these questions come from?
I don’t know. I have no fucking idea.
From: Ginger Davies
To: Rhys Baker
Subject: RE: RE: It’s easy
Maybe you don’t know, but you should.
From: Rhys Baker
To: Ginger Davies
Subject: [No subject]
So let’s just accept that I’m an emotional disaster, and I don’t even know what being in love is. Are you so certain about it, Ginger? If it means fucking someone and spending a lot of time with them, then yes, I am.
From: Ginger Davies
To: Rhys Baker
Subject: Being in love
No, Rhys, it’s not just fucking someone and hanging out because you happen to be on tour with them. I’m not an expert, but I think being in love is more than that. It’s feeling a tingle in your stomach when you see them. Not being able to stop looking at them. Missing them even though they’re right there. Wanting to touch them at all hours, talking about any- and everything, feeling like you lose all sense of time when you’re together. Noticing the details. Wanting to know everything about them, even the stupid stuff. You know what, Rhys? I think it’s actually like being on the moon permanently. With a smile on your face. Without fear.
From: Rhys Baker
To: Ginger Davies
Subject: RE: Being in love
Then no, I’m not in love. Not with her.