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74
From: Ginger Davies
To: Rhys Baker
Subject: All good
I made it, Rhys.
How are you? I never thought it would feel weird to be emailing you, but after the past few months, it’s hard. Funny, right? How quickly we get used to the good things. By the way, Donna says I’m so brown, I almost scared her. She didn’t recognize me! Can you believe it? Anyway, no more Amanda and Donna having the apartment to themselves. Don’t know if I told you, but Michael, the guy I caught jerking off, left a few weeks ago. We have to talk about it, but maybe we won’t get another roommate. We’ll see. Honestly being by ourselves would rule.
I don’t know what else to tell you. I’m still kind of out of it…
I have the feeling that if I open the curtains, I’ll see the blue sea in the distance, but nope—back to reality; all I see is the street out front. It was nice, Rhys, as you know. I don’t think anything could ever top what we lived together.
From: Ginger Davies
To: Rhys Baker
Subject: Come on…
Are you mad? Rhys, come on.
I miss you…
From: Ginger Davies
To: Rhys Baker
Subject: [No subject]
It’s been two weeks. How long are you going to go without talking to me? What happened to “friends forever”? Rhys, I get it that you are mad that I left without saying goodbye, but it was better for both of us. For me especially. Can’t you understand that?
From: Ginger Davies
To: Rhys Baker
Subject: [No subject]
At least pick up the phone. You’re turning this month into hell for me. But whatever. You do you. I won’t bother you again. When you stop acting like a whiny little boy, you know where I am.
From: Rhys Baker
To: Ginger Davies
Subject: Busy
Ginger… I needed to catch my breath. I’m just having fun and getting through what’s left of the summer. Remember when we were talking about having a three-way? Yeah, so I was wrong. I didn’t remember how fucking great it was. Ending up at home with two chicks and enjoying myself like it was nothing. No complications. So easy…those are the things that are really worth it in life. Easy. Maybe I can show you next time.
From: Rhys Baker
To: Ginger Davies
Subject: I’m sorry
Fuck. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.
I don’t know what I was thinking…
Ginger, pick up the phone. Please.
From: Rhys Baker
To: Ginger Davies
Subject: I’m sorry
Dammit, Ginger, I wish I could erase that message. I was high. I’d spent the whole week drinking. I barely remember what I was doing. I’m a fool. And I’m sorry. I regret telling you that and hurting you. It didn’t even mean anything. It was empty.
I miss you, Ginger.
From: Rhys Baker
To: Ginger Davies
Subject: I’m sorry
I know it’s not an excuse, but the way you left fucked me up. When I woke up and didn’t see you, I hated you for the way you decided for both of us. But I’ve been thinking these past few weeks, and I finally understand you. I swear I do. Because I know some things hurt so much, it’s better to avoid them. Ginger, please, say something, okay? If you need time, ask for it, but please…let me know you’re alive.
From: Rhys Baker
To: Ginger Davies
Subject: I’m sorry
You know what? I started this email four times, and each time I told myself that when I sent you that message, I wasn’t myself. But then I erased it because I realized that at the moment, I was more myself than ever. I was the worst version of me, Ginger, the one that I sometimes wish you’d never met. The one that always reacts when I feel hurt by hurting someone in return because it’s the only way to heal the wound. I hate myself, too, when I feel my emotions overwhelming me and I can’t stop them. I wish I could organize them in my head like books placed alphabetically on a shelf. I never managed that, but I admit you’re one of the few reasons why I would, why I want to keep trying.
From: Rhys Baker
To: Ginger Davies
Subject: I’m sorry
Ginger, you’re killing me.
From: Ginger Davies
To: Rhys Baker
Subject: Signs of life
You’re the biggest idiot I know.
From: Rhys Baker
To: Ginger Davies
Subject: RE: Signs of life
Fine, that works. I have never been so happy to be called an idiot. How did I ever get so lucky, Ginger, managing to meet you that night?
From: Rhys Baker
To: Ginger Davies
Subject: RE: Signs of life
I guess I fucked up again, and that’s why you didn’t respond, but I meant what I said. You make me feel lucky. What can I do to make things go back to the way they were before? I can’t take this, not after all we’ve been through.
From: Ginger Davies
To: Rhys Baker
Subject: RE: RE: Signs of Life
If you hadn’t actually been completely honest with me, I think I would have gone on ignoring you a few more weeks. You did this, Rhys. You hit me where it hurt. It’s not fair, attacking me on purpose like that. Don’t ever do it again.
You know what’s the worst thing of all? Knowing all this about you. Knowing the worst version of you, as you said, and still loving you and looking at my email every night.
From: Rhys Baker
To: Ginger Davies
Subject: I know
You’re right about everything.
Please forgive me.
From: Rhys Baker
To: Ginger Davies
Subject: [No subject]
Rhys, you’re forgiven.
From: Rhys Baker
To: Ginger Davies
Subject: Thank you
I don’t deserve you, Ginger.