117
117
From: Ginger Davies
To: Rhys Baker
Subject: Worried
I’m worried, Rhys. I haven’t heard from you since the funeral. I thought about calling, but I didn’t want to bother you at such a private time as this. Write me, please. Even just to tell me that you’re okay, that you’re handling things.
From: Rhys Baker
To: Ginger Davies
Subject: RE: Worried
Sorry, Ginger. Things have been complicated around here. I’m fine. Both of us are. Given the situation, I mean. After the funeral, I slept fifteen hours straight, and then I tried to put the paperwork in order to make things easier for Mom, just stupid stuff like changing the name on the bills and the accounts…
I keep thinking about things. Everything.
Why do people feel so lost, Ginger? Why do we have this feeling we need to find a purpose, a goal, something more? I think I’ve realized something. I think I’ve just been walking in circles for a long time, chasing after something. And maybe I know what that is. It’s me, Ginger. I’ve been spinning round and round for years, thinking too much, barely living when I thought I was grabbing hold of life.
From: Ginger Davies
To: Rhys Baker
Subject: There’s more
I understand what you mean, and maybe you’re right, but there have also been lots of good things, Rhys. You’re not just shadows; you’re also light. And it doesn’t matter when we realize something, what matters is that we do. Everyone has experiences like this. And they never end. How’s your mother? What are you going to do now?
From: Rhys Baker
To: Ginger Davies
Subject: RE: There’s more
She’s sad, but how else would she be? It’s normal, right? I don’t know what I’m going to do. I feel adrift. I can’t leave her alone, even if she says I should go. I spend the whole day just wandering around the house, working on this stupid model, thinking about things…
From: Ginger Davies
To: Rhys Baker
Subject: RE: RE: There’s more
Everything passes, Rhys. It just takes time. Maybe you need this pause in your life to decide what it is you want to do. You’ve got a blank page in front of you, right? Once, a long time ago, you told me that. And it worked for me.
From: Ginger Davies
To: Rhys Baker
Subject: RE: RE: RE: There’s more
There’s a difference: you’re a very smart girl.
From: Ginger Davies
To: Rhys Baker
Subject: Look for another excuse
That one’s not going to cut it.
From: Rhys Baker
To: Ginger Davies
Subject: Seriously
You need to learn to accept a compliment.
But you’re right, Ginger. The future is a blank page. By the way, I finished the model last night. I don’t know if I’m happy or sad about it. It was nice to finish something we started together, but at the same time, I feel like it distances me from this place somehow. And my mother seems like she’s trying to push me out. I know she’s doing it for me, but I can’t help feeling guilty when I think of going, even if I come back more often. I don’t want to make the same mistakes with her I made with my father.
From: Ginger Davies
To: Rhys Baker
Subject: You won’t
Don’t worry about that. You won’t. I’m certain of it.
Your album’s a hit.
From: Rhys Baker
To: Ginger Davies
Subject: My mother
I guess it is.
I’ve spent the last few weeks helping Mom out in the garden, but this morning she ditched me to do to a pastry class run by our HOA. I’m starting to feel out of place. Almost like I’m not needed here. I don’t know if she’s just trying to encourage me to get on with my life, or if she needs the space to get used to the idea of being alone. What do you think? We’ve barely talked about him. About death. I’m worried that she’s doing terrible deep inside and just won’t tell me.
From: Ginger Davies
To: Rhys Baker
Subject: RE: My mother
You want me to be totally honest?
From: Rhys Baker
To: Ginger Davies
Subject: RE: RE: My mother
I have a feeling that means you’re going to hurt me.
But yes, Ginger, I want you to be honest.
From: Ginger Davies
To: Rhys Baker
Subject: RE: RE: RE: My mother
I think your mother accepted the situation a long time ago. I think it hurts her that your dad’s gone, I’m sure she misses him, and of course she’ll need time to get over the loss. But she’s been preparing for this for a long time, Rhys. I have the feeling she’s a strong woman. If she could deal with everything on her own for that long, I doubt she needs you now. What I think is you’re the one who needs her. That deep down, you’re the one who can’t turn the page. And that’s fine. You will, and you don’t need to put a date on it. You’re going to have your good and bad days. Some people need years to talk about a tragedy without bursting into tears, and some people get over things in a matter of weeks. Your mother is trying to put all this behind her. You should probably do the same.
From: Rhys Baker
To: Ginger Davies
Subject: Maybe…
Maybe you’re right. Maybe it’s a mix of things: my fear of taking a new step, the feeling that I’m just spinning around in circles, this idea that I haven’t yet found my place. Last night, I was looking at this old globe that I have in my room. And you know, I didn’t feel like going anywhere at all. I mean, there was one place, but it’s not exactly a place. But if it was, it would be the most beautiful one I’ve ever seen. And that’s why I’m scared. I’m scared if I go there, I’ll ruin it, like I’m not good enough to be there.
From: Ginger Davies
To: Rhys Baker
Subject: RE: Maybe…
I understand. Some places are more complicated than others. Because of the terrain. Especially if you’ve been up high, if you’ve been climbing the hill for a long time, and you know how painful it will be if you fall…
From: Rhys Baker
To: Ginger Davies
Subject: RE: RE: Maybe…
But sometimes it’s worth the risk.
From: Ginger Davies
To: Rhys Baker
Subject: RE: RE: RE: Maybe…
What if that place isn’t everything you thought it would be when you finally reach the top? Everything you hoped for? What if it doesn’t make you happy?
From: Rhys Baker
To: Ginger Davies
Subject: Practicing
I’m learning not to ask myself things I can’t answer. It doesn’t make things worse; it just demands more courage, like learning to jump even if you have vertigo. Maybe it’ll be okay. Maybe it’ll be the very thing I need right now. Maybe I would let a thousand years pass if I kept looking for the perfect situation, waiting for the planets to align or whatever. I’m starting to be a big believer in living every day as if it were my last. I’m tired of waiting for things that never come and ignoring the ones that are right there in front of me.
From: Rhys Baker
To: Ginger Davies
Subject: Love and madness
I can’t sleep. And I can’t stop thinking about you. About us. Maybe that’s why I just did something crazy. I think it’s worth it though. Because this one time, years ago, I met a girl who was lost in Paris, and she stole my heart, and I can’t forget her. She was a little crazy, she talked nonstop, sometimes she rained on my parade, but still, she was perfect. Perfect in the way that you can talk to a person forever and not get tired of them, and her laugh was the prettiest sound in the world, and everything about her just mattered to me. And she gave me an old book where I found the wisest and most beautiful words in the world: “It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye.”
So I think I should tell this girl that next Friday at eleven at night, I’ll be waiting for her in the place where we danced for the first time.
And I hope she will remember the boy who taught her to use the ticket machine for the metro and whispered in her ear that if she wanted, she could touch the moon with her fingers.