Chapter 19 Mona
MONA
I wake up early, automatically reaching out to the side to feel Douglas beside me.
He’s not there.
I sit up, blinking in the dark room. It’s not even five in the morning yet. While it’s possible he already left to go running, he usually doesn’t this early. The bathroom door is open and the light is out. He’s not in there.
He’s gone.
Where the hell is he?
We hadn’t put it into words yet, but it felt like things were settled between us. Maybe he got nervous. Maybe things were moving too fast. Maybe part of him isn’t certain he’s ready to move on from the man he’s been for the past ten years.
Maybe…
The fact is there are too many maybes to sort through. I have no idea what Douglas’s absence from bed this early in the day means. He probably woke up and decided to get his run over early today.
That’s likely what it is.
There’s no reason for me to panic or overreact.
I flop back onto my pillow and stare up at the ceiling.
It’s fine. It’s all fine. Last night was maybe the best night of my entire life. It’s not all going to be snatched away from me this morning.
Please don’t let it be.
I toss and turn a few minutes until I give up. There’s no way I’m going back to sleep right now. I find my robe and slippers and take a quick look out into the hallway to make sure no one is around.
It’s empty, so I slip out of the room.
I check the library, but Douglas isn’t there. The lamp by his armchair is lit, so he must have been there sometime after I turned them all off last night. His journal is on the side table beside it instead of on his desk where it usually is.
He must have gotten up sometime in the past few hours to write in his journal.
I don’t know if that’s a good sign or a bad sign.
My stomach twists nervously as I walk downstairs to check the mudroom on the side where he leaves his running shoes.
They’re still there.
He’s not running.
Where the hell is he?
It’s Christmas morning. He’s supposed to be with me.
With a sigh, I head toward my bedroom on the opposite side of the house. I’ll put some real clothes on. I’m supposed to be at my parents’ by nine, so I need to leave here no later than eight.
I’m starting to get upset as I trudge through the hall. Then I see that a light is on in the kitchen.
I go in, blinking as I process Douglas’s presence.
He’s standing in his pajama pants and robe in front of a counter, pouring hot water into the French press he uses for his coffee.
I’m hit with a rush of relief so intense it nearly knocks me off my feet.
There was no crisis. He’s just getting his coffee.
“Good morning, bright song of my heart,” he says when he turns his head to see me. His tone is so warm and fond it makes me want to swoon.
Who would have ever guessed he could turn me into such a swooner?
“Hi,” I say. “I didn’t know where you were.”
His mouth is tilted up in a small smile, but at my words he gives me a quick, searching glance. “Were you worried?”
“I… I don’t know. I saw you weren’t in the library or running, so I… I didn’t know.”
He gives me a disapproving look. “What exactly didn’t you know? You couldn’t possibly have believed, after last night, that I’d have been hiding or running from you this morning?”
“Uh, no. I didn’t believe that.”
“You were clearly anxious when you walked in here.”
“Y-yes. I’m sorry. I don’t even know why.”
He moves the steeping coffee farther back on the counter and walks around it until he’s standing directly in front of me. He tips my chin up slightly so I meet his eyes. “You were worried about my feelings for you?”
“Yes.” My cheeks are flushed, but his eyes are far too tender for me to be anxious or embarrassed right now. “Everything has been kind of a…”
“A muddle.”
“Exactly that.”
A thick wave of hair has flopped down over his forehead, but he doesn’t appear to notice it. “It’s been a muddle for me too, but it’s not anymore. There’s no pressure. No rush. No demands. Not from me. But I’m right where I want to be right now. With you.”
I make a silly, sobbing sound and grab for him. He pulls me into a tight hug.
“Me too,” I say against his shirt. “I’m right where I want to be right now with you.”
“Good.”
It sounds like he’s smiling, so I pull back to look.
He is.
So am I.
Just then I’m hit by the smell of coffee. “Let’s dig into that coffee now if you don’t mind. I had three hours of sleep.”
He chuckles as he puts a hand on my back and we return to the counter. “I had less than two.”
“Wait,” I say as he pours the coffee into two mugs. “What about your run?” It’s obvious he hasn’t run yet this morning. He’s still in his pajamas.
He shrugs and passes me one of the mugs.
“What does that shrug mean?” I demand, more urgent than the conversation warrants. “Aren’t you going to run?”
“I don’t think so. You have to leave for your family’s by eight, and I’d rather spend as much of the morning as possible with you.” He sounds relaxed. Warm and pleasant. He takes a sip of his coffee and clearly enjoys it.
But it feels like he’s knocked me completely off my feet. I stare at him. “But… But you said…”
He said if a morning ever comes when he doesn’t run first thing in the morning, I’ll know that everything in the world has changed.
Everything in the world has changed.
He arches his eyebrows as I stand there trembling. “What’s the matter, my love? What did I say?”
He clearly doesn’t remember his stray comment.
He doesn’t understand the significance.
But I do. I do.
I gulp over the emotion and give him a shaky smile. “Nothing’s the matter. I want to spend as much of the morning as possible with you too.”
* * *
I make my decision at 7:53, so showered, dressed, and carrying a big bag full of gifts for my family, I knock on Douglas’s bedroom door.
A few of the guests are already up and down in the breakfast room where Colleen has put out all kinds of yummy food on the sideboard, but no one else is in this hallway right now.
Douglas opens the door with a question on his face and his toothbrush in his mouth.
“Oh, sorry,” I say, suddenly nervous.
He’s so adorable with a mouthful of toothpaste and wearing the argyle Christmas sweater his nieces gave him yesterday. And he’s so completely clueless as to what I’m doing here right now.
“Y’okay?” he mumbles around the toothbrush.
“Yes, I’m fine. I’m about to leave. I just wanted to say before I leave…
” My voice breaks, so I give a little cough.
“I wanted to say that I want more than only December. I know it’s what we agreed from the beginning.
I know you said the door is shut. But it’s felt…
it’s felt like what we have is more than that.
Or it could be. And I wanted to let you know that I want more. ”
He’s staring at me now, stunned and motionless.
I suck in a ragged breath as I babble on.
“I want everything with you. And I’m not saying I’ve got to have everything right away.
There’s no rush or no pressure, like you said.
If the door is open, even a little, that’s good with me.
We can take it slow and see how things go.
I just don’t want… I don’t want it to be over next week. ”
He makes a weird, wordless sound.
“Don’t try to say anything. I’m not expecting an answer right now.
I know it would mean upending everything you’ve been for ten years.
But maybe think about it. I’m going to my family’s now, so we can talk when I get back.
I’m not expecting a commitment or anything serious. Just… just more than December.”
He’s still holding the toothbrush in his mouth, his eyes scouring my face with an earnestness that makes me anxious.
So I nod. Duck my head. Mumble, “That’s all. We can figure it out later.”
And I make a mad dash down the stairs and out of the house.
* * *
I’m repeating “it’s fine, it’s fine, it’s fine” over and over again as I pull my car out of the garage and down the long drive to the road.
I don’t regret what I said to Douglas. Not in any way.
But I really should have found a better time to say it.
Poor Douglas was so shocked and taken off guard. I didn’t even let him spit out the toothpaste before I launched into my long, heartfelt confession of feelings.
I’m a doer. I’ve always been one. I’d rather take action, even if it ends up crushing me, than live in eternal limbo with answers unsaid and decisions unmade.
So even though I’m pretty sure I embarrassed myself, I’m not sorry I did it.
A flicker of motion in my rearview mirror distracts me. I apply the brakes, slowing my car as I look more closely.
When I see what it is, I jerk the car to a stop. Shift it into park.
It’s Douglas.
Douglas.
Sprinting down the driveway after my car.
He’s wearing the gray trousers and sweater he had on in the bedroom. No coat. And as he gets closer, I see something else.
He’s still wearing his bedroom slippers.
He’s a runner by nature and by training, and he reaches my car remarkably fast. So fast he’s pounding on the driver’s side window before I conjure the basic fortitude to roll the window down.
“What are you doing?” I gasp, staring at him from my position behind the steering wheel. “You don’t even have your shoes on!”
“You left before I could say anything!” He’s almost loud. Out of breath. Flushed. Urgent. And loved.
So deeply loved. By me.
“You didn’t have to say anything. I just wanted you to think about it.”
“I didn’t need to think about it.” He’s still close to wheezing. He bends at the waist as he fights to catch his breath.
“You didn’t?” I ask stupidly.
“No! Of course not. My darling, clueless beloved, do you honestly not already know? I love you. I want everything with you too. I want this December with you and every December and all the time between. For the rest of my life. But I know there may be difficulties and issues to work out. You’re not in the same stage of life as I am, and that might matter to you more as we get older.
I didn’t want to presume or push. I was trying to…
be good. But if you want more, you have more.
If you want everything, you have everything.
If you want a proposal, I’ll kneel down right here on the pavement and offer you all I possess.
Inside and out.” He’s still panting, leaning over to look in through my open window.
“I love you, dearest. The door is open as wide as it can be.”
I snort-laugh. Then dissolve into helpless emotion that might have been laughter and might have been tears. I open the car door and scramble out, falling into his arms and gasping over and over again, “I love you too.”
None of what follows is the stuff of poetry, but it doesn’t have to be.
* * *
Despite the chaotic mess of my emotions, I have a great time with my family, enjoying breakfast and opening presents. They all know immediately that something is going on with me, and there’s no reason not to tell them.
So I do. And they’re thrilled for me. And though of course there are questions about Douglas’s age and lifestyle, there’s no judgment at all.
I return at a little before three, and before I even get out of the car, Douglas has come into the garage to open my door and help me out. He hugs me and asks if it’s all right that we let his family know we’re together.
Since I already spilled the beans to mine, I tell him of course it’s all right.
After we’ve gotten my stuff inside, Douglas and I join his family, who are hanging out on the couches in a sitting room with a view of the lake.
Douglas is holding my hand as we walk in.
I’m not sure what he was planning to say, but he doesn’t actually have to say anything.
His youngest niece squeals in delight when she sees him holding my hand, Greer laughs and claps excitedly, and Aunt Augusta declares, “I knew it! I knew it from the beginning! It’s about time you two worked it out.”
So that’s that.
Douglas and I are a couple for real.