42. Faye
42
FAYE
Faye knew she’d messed up.
She picked up her chicken parmesan dinner from a mini supermarket, letting the frigid temperature outside keep it chilled on her way home, alone , thinking of Bash with every step. On the tube, she texted Maisie and Sienna, and when she arrived home after eight p.m, added more layers to her outfit instead of taking them off.
The radiators struggled into a vague sign of life with a gurgle.
A technician that Bash had found was meant to come in three days to finally fix the boiler Faye heavily blamed for causing this mess that she was in with him. Since she’d barely spent an hour here after returning from Shropshire, she hadn’t expected to need the heating system at all. Why pay to heat a flat when no one was home? But it looked like, for now at least, she was here once again.
Insulating herself with blankets and a hot water bottle, Faye slouched on her sofa and dug into her cheesy chicken pasta without bothering to decant it from the plastic pot it had come in.
Her flat had always been bold – a mad burst of colour around her – and yet as she sat in silence and replayed every word she’d said to Bash today, it all looked washed out. She’d texted him that she was home like he’d asked, but these three rooms weren’t “home” anymore.
Nothing was right.
There was too much silence; no jazz lulling her into a sense of comfort from the corner. The sofa was as solid as a rock. The air was musty and specks of dust touched every surface. There was no way that her bed would be warm tonight. Fuck. All of her toiletries, her toothbrush, her good skincare – they were all at Bash’s house.
She hadn’t broken up with him – that was so far removed from what Faye’d wanted. But the words, I think we should get married, had made her panic. He’d been so whimsical about it, as if legally binding himself to her for the rest of his life was no different to deciding which takeaway to order that night. What he’d said about already knowing he wanted to spend his life with her hadn’t been surprising, nor had how he felt like they’d known each other all their lives.
Her food sat in her mouth as Faye reminded herself to chew.
When Bash was all in, he was all in. She’d felt the force of his love all of the way in the deepest crevices of her heart. But today he’d moved way too fast for her to keep up.
He’d leapt years into the future when she was still trying to figure out next week.
Literally .
All she’d done was try to be honest with him, conveyed as best as she could find the words for that she simply wasn’t ready to be his wife. The points she’d made had been rational, Faye was sure of it. She wouldn’t take any of them back if she could relive the moment in her office again, and she wouldn’t ever ask Bash to give up on his dreams. Just … delay them a little while?
More certainty. Time. That’s all she needed.
The room was barely bright enough to see the bottom of her dinner when she took the empty plastic to the kitchen, flicking on lamps as she went. Mountains of clothes that she’d thrown into her bedroom in her has te between seeing Bash and getting to and from work in the last few days had piled up just inside of the door.
Her phone beeped in the pocket of her backpack on the kitchen table but Faye ignored it for taking ice cream from her freezer instead. It’d only be Bash confirming he’d seen her text, or Ellie who’d ignored her insistence that she was fine in lieu of coming over tonight.
Faye should smarten up the place – and herself – before her step-sister saw the state of her and thought she was having some sort of crisis.
I can’t simply be casual with you, Faye. Not when how I feel is so intense. In my heart for all these years, I have belonged to you, Peanut.
Mulling over her own life was exhausting. Examining her childhood brought up old memories of yelling at the dinner table and sitting in the corners of dark, grey solicitors’ offices whilst her parents argued over what day she was allowed to go here and which week she should go there . Faye didn’t think that her constant need for reassurance that a relationship wouldn’t turn out the same as theirs would ever be satisfied.
Those memories had been a constant shadow following her around since she’d first kissed a boy. Every time that she’d thought, okay, maybe this one could be the one, she’d glanced over her shoulder and seen the shadow watching her, telling her that she was wrong.
The noise of the shared front door opening made her jump amongst her blankets and cushions before assuring herself it would just be one of her neighbours coming home.
What else is there to get to know? Bash’s words still lingered in her thoughts as she dug her spoon into the Eaton mess flavoured tub.
Who we are as a couple.
It didn’t matter how in love they were, or how well they knew each other from their friendship; Faye didn’t know what day Bash preferred to do hi s laundry on, or how much he’d expect her to contribute financially to their relationship when those scales were tipped so far against her.
What would he say if they struggled one day to have children? It would ruin Bash to not be a father. They always used condoms, and as far as Faye knew, her possibility of children was considered normal, but what if they never happened? She needed to know that he wouldn’t love her any less.
She might be thinking too rationally, but when all she knew of marriage was lawyers and heartbreak, how else was she supposed to think?
They’d only experienced a fraction of how they fitted together in their daily lives this week. That wasn’t to say that their worlds couldn’t overlap; but how would they know if they didn’t have enough chances to try? It was hardly achievable to learn these things with the impending distance of the country wedging itself between them.
Faye wiped away a cold tear that escaped from her eye. Asking for a more casual relationship was right, but that didn’t stop it from hurting like she grieved a loss that hadn’t happened yet.
Moving too quickly in love would never end well – the results weren’t worth the gamble. But then she had to remind herself that this was Bash who she’d be spending her life with. Loveable, constant, stable Bash .
Perhaps it was him who she could change her mind for …
Her front door slammed open and rattled all of the mirrors and pictures on the walls.
Faye screamed. Blankets tangled themselves between her legs as she sprang to her feet.
“Tell me. Everything .”
“Maisie?” she yelled as her friend waltzed into the flat. “The door isn’t that strong enough for you to?—”
“I have the wine!” Sienna followed, bursting into the narrow entryway and dodging the growing pile of shoes just the same .
Were they trying to give her a heart attack?
Never mind that, how had they gotten in here? Ugh. The spare key was for emergencies only.
Faye untangled the blankets from her legs, snatched the bowl up off of the rug and grabbed a tissue to dab the spilled patch of ice cream, all in the space of two heart racing seconds.
A bottle of white wine made a heavy clunk on her kitchen table.
“Is this a party?”
“It is now.” Sienna squared her with a determined look, hand on hip and all. “You got together with Bash. And we want to hear all about it.”
“Except, maybe skip some of the more sexy details?” Maisie requested as she shed her coat and scarf. “He’s still our friend, and that’s a little weird.”
Faye knew just how to make this even a little entertaining for herself, forcing a smile where she crouched. “I wasn’t going to tell you about how many times he’s made me come, anyway.”
“Times!?” Maisie gasped. “You’ve only been together for, what, a week?”
And it’d been the best week … up until now.
“Okay,” Sienna cut in, “hands up.”
Rising from the tissue doing its best effort to soak up the liquifying ice cream, Faye reluctantly held her hands in front of her, slowly flicking a finger out as she silently counted up from one . The looks on her friends’ faces grew more enraptured as she kept on going.
“Wow … good for you. I’ll be looking at Bash differently from now on.”
“Don’t make it awkward, Sienna.” Maisie’s pale cheeks looked warmer with the new information.
In Faye’s text to ask if either of them were free tonight, she hadn’t included what’d happened with Bash this evening, almost ashamed to admit that she’d hurt their friend yet again .
The same text had gone to Ellie with an added, nondescript, I could do with talking to you about something to the are you available in the next few days? text. She hadn’t expected Ellie to answer straight away saying that Scott could take charge of their daughter for the night.
Faye wanted advice, or maybe someone to smack her round the head and tell her she was being an idiot.
Her friends made themselves at home and teased every strand of information out of her about her Christmas at the Phillips-Dumont household. Pictures replayed in Faye’s mind of so many moments where, now that she looked back, she could see how deep Bash’s feelings were for her.
Had she really been that oblivious for all that time?
And that kiss under the mistletoe … she never should’ve assumed that because he’d drawn back afterwards, he did it for any reason other than thinking she didn’t share the same feelings as him. He’d practically poured out adoration like liquid gold into that one kiss.
Faye’d asked for a night to herself, but now her heart begged to be wherever Bash was. She missed him like flowers miss the rain. He was the only one who she wanted at the end of this long day.
She could promise him the life he wanted them to have as a someday, but for now she had no choice but to take their relationship slowly and hope Bash meant it when he’d said that he would too, or else they were heading towards being the right person for each other, just at the wrong time. And Faye couldn’t let him go.
The worst thing of all? When she closed her eyes, she could see it; their life she’d turned away. She could see the house and the dog and the children and the morning kisses. The nights in. The evenings out. The family Christmas. The birthdays. The New Years’, and every ordinary day in between.
It was half an hour later when Faye went to refill their drinks.
“Ellie is supposed to be coming over,” she called behind her, “though I don’t know where she’s gotten to?—”
The intercom buzzed.
Three heads spun towards her front door.
“Ah.” That sound answered that question.
“Saved by the buzzer.” Maisie sipped on her wine.
Faye twirled as she crossed her kitchen and warned, “She doesn’t know about Bash and I, yet. I was going to tell her tonight, so shush.”
Sienna motioned a seal of her lips and Maisie filled her mouth with another chocolate digestive biscuit.
Ellie greeted Faye in a flourish like always. Her glasses steamed up in the centres as soon as she crossed the border of the flat, and she took them off to waft in the air. El knew Faye’s friends from parties and passing each other in the bakery over the years, so the reintroduction wasn’t awkward at all.
“I never expected for you to come here when it’s so late, El.” Faye looked over the patches of rain on her step-sister’s anorak.
“Your text sounded serious and a little desperate. That’s not like you.” Ellie removed layer after layer and hung them on the back of a kitchen chair. Her green scarf tangled in the windswept lengths of her dark hair as she battled to unwind it.
“Sorry. It wasn’t supposed to.”
Faye led her towards the kettle and set it to boil whilst she dug about in the back of her cupboard for some fruity tea bags she only kept because they were El’s favourites. Maisie and Sienna seemed to be in a fully focussed conversation on the sofa, so weren’t likely to be listening through the boil and steam of the kettle when Ellie leaned into her line of sight.
“Faye … what’s going on?”
The truth got caught in Faye’s throat. Not trusting how long her friends would be able to keep her relationship status from slipping from their mouths, she wanted to get this conversation over with, needing slee p soon before she woke up as a ghost with her five a.m alarm.
“Did you … did you ever have doubts before marrying Scott?”
“What bride doesn’t have doubts?” Ellie said it humouredly and Faye realised she had to get specific.
“I mean about the longevity?”
Checking her hip against the counter edge, El’s brow puzzled. “Hmm, no. Why?”
Faye brushed the why aside for another moment. Answers to how she was supposed to navigate her feelings right now were more important. “So the fact that your parents are divorced didn’t cross your mind?”
“My parents’ marriage was their marriage, not mine.” Ellie’s answer dipped the fluttering ball of nervousness further and further down through Faye’s chest with each word. “What happened to them wasn’t certain to happen to me, and I couldn’t think like that because Scott wasn’t worth losing over it.”
I couldn’t think like that.
She didn’t know if she’d been expecting to receive a different answer, because guilt latched itself onto the rest of Faye’s unsettled feelings. She’d thought those things too, only, she hadn’t exactly practised what she’d preached, and now Bash was presumably home alone without her because of it.
“Right … ”
The kettle clicked off and she turned to fill the mug of tea. She had to concentrate on ignoring Ellie’s unwavering stare in the corner of her eye as the steaming water poured. Maisie and Sienna laughed about something behind them, and when she slid the mug across the counter, Ellie didn’t even look at it.
“Faye … why are you asking this?”
Here goes.
She steadied her breathing. “Because Bash and I … aren’t just friends anymore.”
Ellie jumped on her, shaking her by the shoulders enough to earn concerned loo ks from across the room. “Do you know how long I’ve been waiting to hear you say that?”
“I can imagine.”
“Did you kiss? What’s happened?”
“Oh we did a lot more than that.” Faye blushed at the many wonderful memories of her and Bash’s bodies intertwined, and Ellie squealed. “But I think I’ve already messed it up.”
“Wait, what? How?”
Faye glanced a quick tour through the events of the evening, though there wasn’t much further for her to lower her voice when she said, “He was thinking that we’d skip dating and go straight to getting married and baby making.”
“He said that?” Sienna’s sudden voice by her shoulder made Faye’s hand smack to her chest.
Seriously, she was going to end up with her heart stopping tonight.
Now that Ellie knew the details, there was no sense in hiding the whole story from her friends too. She reiterated, “He asked me to marry him – Don’t. Squeal.” She aimed at Ellie.
“He proposed. After only a few days …” Maisie’s cocked brow and freckled hand on her polka dot hip looked ready to shake some sense into Bash.
Would he want them knowing this? “He argued that we’ve known each other for so long, we know we’re good together, so why wait?”
“Being friends and dating are two different things,” Ellie said.
“I told him that. And then I released some feelings about how I won’t get married so quickly like my parents did, because look how that turned out. And then … I may have asked him to cool things between us.”
Faye winced. This really didn't sound good. The man of her dreams wanted to marry her, and she’d called herself Maria and run for the hills.
Ellie’s brow creased. “But this is what you’ve wanted for ages? ”
Maisie and Sienna didn’t even flinch.
Were her feelings for Bash seriously that obvious?
Faye couldn't take the miscommunication between her head and her heart for much longer. It ached. Folding over, she leant on the countertop and put her face in her hands and groaned at her own stupidity.
“I know. It’s just … he brought up marriage, and I’m moving away, and I got cold feet about being serious with him right now.”
It felt as if she lived on borrowed time – as if this new development in their relationship had an expiration date. January 16th – the day when she’d drive away from London for however long. What little time they had left to see each other every day felt precious, and Faye didn’t want to feel so sad about it.
“I don’t know what I’m doing, guys,” she mumbled into her palms. “I love him more than I know how to understand.”
Faye knew that the three women around her looked at each other. It was in the silence.
“If you didn’t have these feelings because of your parents …” Maisie began to ask, exercising caution. “Would you have still said ‘no’?”
Would she have? What if she’d never lived those upsetting years? Would she be jumping at the chance?
“If I could be certain things wouldn’t fall apart, then I would marry him tomorrow.”
Another silence, and another definite throwaway glance.
A hand rested on her spine. “But you can’t ever be certain.” Ellie’s voice said, “You’re taking a gamble on your new bakery because its future is in your control. That could go wrong and yet you’re still taking that risk.”
Faye’s heart began to slow, the ache in her veins easing.
“What I’m trying to say,” El continued, “is that you can’t control your future with Bash as much as I can control the weather. You can control how much effort you put into making that future bright, though. ”
Faye slowly raised her head out of her hands.
Sienna looked at her firmly yet kindly, dark brown eyes reflecting the truth she needed to learn. “Bash loves you. I’ve never seen a man so devoted to someone like he is to you. It makes me a little nauseous, to be honest.”
A bubble of laughter peeled from Faye and a smile tilted on Sienna’s plum-tinted lips.
Faye found herself brought into Ellie’s sidewards embrace. “The point is, if he’s really the one for you, then all of these worries in your head are insignificant.”
She wiped her nose on a tissue Maisie passed along, sounding nasal at the same time. “I feel so guilty that I’ve stomped on his dream.”
“You need reassurance that he’s not going to give up on you, so reassure him that you’re not going anywhere too. Bash’s heart needs that kind of trust just as much as yours.”
“But how am I supposed to reassure him when I literally am going away though?”
The three-way glance was long and strong.
“Okay, here’s what we’re going to do.”
Ellie set about creating a plan whilst Faye curled herself on her sofa, surrounded by the mess of her life – packing boxes she’d begun to decant that life into. El even borrowed sketchbooks and pencils.
It was amazing and fantastical what her three helpers came up with, but it wasn’t her.
Faye didn’t want to renege on the reasons she’d said for denying Bash’s proposal – she still stood by those things. Yet hypothetical failure held a fifty-fifty chance in every adventure, including this one. So why should she let that stop her?