Chapter 10 #2
The following night, Parker looked at me from across the table, and I could’ve sworn he could read into my muddled, confused heart. I twisted the napkin in my fingers, trying to think of where to start.
Blessedly, the waiter stopped by our table. “It’ll be about fifteen minutes for your pizza. We’re slammed,” he explained, gesturing around the packed dining area. “Can I get you anything to drink other than water?”
Parker tilted his head as he glanced back over at me with an arched brow. “Just water.” I cleared my throat because my voice sounded squeaky.
“That’s it for me as well,” Parker replied.
After the waiter had walked away, Parker added, “Dinner is on me. I invited you.”
“I know, but—” I twisted the napkin as I tried to gather some courage.
“What’s wrong?” he asked, his gaze concerned.
Before I could think it through, my words tumbled out. “I’m afraid that you’re gonna be mad at me for telling you my name was Jane, but that was the name I went by back when we met because my parents were, well, they are RV influencers. They have a whole channel online, and that was my life then.”
His eyes went wide. “What? RV what?”
Although this wasn’t how I had planned to explain everything, I was relieved to talk about it.
“So when I was about—” I paused, mentally counting.
“Eight years old. My parents decided they wanted to take off in an RV. My dad had started repairing one and was posting about it online. You know how people do that. Anyway, so they wanted to make enough money with ads to live off it, so they started a whole channel and that became my life. They didn’t protect me from much, but they decided to have me go by Jane online and they straightened my hair.
When you met me then, that’s why my hair was straight and why I said my name was Jane. ”
Parker stared at me so long, I shifted restlessly in my seat. “Uh, wow,” he finally said slowly. “I know that’s a thing, but are you for real?”
I was mortified, just miserable, inside. “Oh, it’s a thing. There are lots of families who do it. Do you watch any of those online short video channels?”
He shook his head slowly. “It’s not like I don’t see stuff online, but it’s not a big part of my life. I have email, but I’m not on social media at all. At the time you met me, I didn’t even have a cell phone because—” He took a deep breath. “You go ahead, and I’ll explain my life afterwards.”
“There’s not much else to explain. Do you hate me for lying?” Anxiety swirled inside, a restless storm in my chest.
“Luna, no! I knew I sort of recognized you and something felt familiar, but I couldn’t figure it out. I never forgot you. I guess I’m relieved now that I understand why you went by a different name and why your hair was straight.” He smiled slowly. “Your curls are pretty.”
Heat flared in my cheeks as I held his gaze. “Well, that’s good because I’m never straightening my hair again.”
Parker threw his head back with a laugh. “I love your curls. So what happened after that time we met?”
“I was seventeen and in my last year of high school. As soon as I turned eighteen, I found a job in Juneau. I’m still in touch with my parents, and I love them, but I’m never living that life again. Ever. I was so tired of it. I’m just so relieved you don’t hate me.”
I hadn’t realized how much I’d worried about this until now, when the tension I’d been carrying inside started to ease.
“I lied to you that day. I didn’t want to tell you the whole thing at the time because I was afraid of what you might think.
When I first saw you here, I wasn’t sure it was you either.
You didn’t seem to recognize me and so it seemed best to leave it alone.
” I took a quick breath, needing the courage from a blast of oxygen. “I wanted you to like me for me.”
“I did,” he said softly.
That two-word reply sent a jolt of joy through me. We smiled at each other. I felt a little goofy, a sense of giddiness rising inside. “So, um, tell me your story.”
Parker’s shoulders rose when he took a deep breath. “For what it’s worth, you might not wanna talk to me after I tell you my story.”
“Parker, I doubt that. You’re friends with all my friends here. I know you’re a nice guy.”
He was quiet as he held my gaze for a long beat. Just then, our waiter arrived to set plates down in front of us. “Five more minutes for the pizza,” he announced before hurrying off.
“I didn’t have a cell phone when you and I met because I’d just gotten out of juvenile detention,” Parker said flatly.
“You mean like jail for teenagers?” I asked.
“Exactly that,” he said. “I haven’t even gotten a parking ticket since then.
I ended up a hotshot firefighter because the vocational program my probation officer set me up with included volunteering for community service at a fire station and training to be a hotshot firefighter.
I went to detention because I got caught dealing drugs in high school.
I have all kinds of reasons for why that happened, including that my dad did it at the time, but in the end, I still have to be accountable.
He doesn’t do illegal things anymore either.
I promise you. Me and Stella share a dad.
He’s doing good now, he’s walking the straight and narrow, but—” He paused, taking a slow breath as he leaned his head back.
He leveled his gaze with mine again. “Are you ready to run away now?” He gestured his thumb toward the door.
I rested my elbows on the table and leaned toward him.
“Absolutely not. Life happens, Parker. I’ve heard Stella’s story about how she connected with you, but I didn’t know all of this.
Hudson’s pretty open about what happened to him.
My grandmother always tells me the mistakes we make are the lessons we need. ”
Parker stared at me for a long moment before he reached for my hands. The warmth of his grip felt so good I almost sighed over it.
“Thank you,” he said, his voice gruff.
“For what?”
“Not judging me for my screw ups. I did some dumb shit when I was younger and I regret it a lot.”
That giddy sense of joy kept spinning in my chest as I savored the feel of Parker’s hands around mine. “I may not know much, because my life was kind of odd growing up, but I know you’re a good man. I can feel it.”
When I squeezed his hands, Parker squeezed back. “Look at that. We got the hard stuff out of the way,” he said with a chuckle.
On cue, the waiter arrived, delivering our pizza with a flourish. I reluctantly let go of Parker’s hands out of necessity. A few minutes later, we had both taken a few bites of pizza, and Parker paused. “I was pretty sure you’d run for the hills once you heard my history.”
“I thought you might think I was crazy because I had a made-up name and straight hair when we met.”
His smile was slow and made my belly feel tingly.
“I understand,” he said as his smile faded. “I imagine that was kind of an unusual life.”
I contemplated the years of being on camera, of so many moments that should’ve been private being recorded and broadcast to complete strangers.
The confusion of trying to find connections with strangers online since I didn’t have friends.
Sometimes, I would read the comments and feel like those were the people who understood me.
The sad twist of learning that the only friend I thought I had, Margie, was just there because her parents dragged her along.
Even though that detail was a twist of a knife that I never could get out of my heart, I felt sad for her. I figured she was as lonely as me.
“It was—” I paused, considering my words. “Strange.”
“Are you close to your parents now?” Parker asked.
I finished another bite of pizza as I considered that question.
“I suppose it depends on what you mean by close. We stay in touch and they come here for the holidays. My grandmother refuses to let them record in the house. I don’t hate them for what they did, but I don’t think they understood what it meant for our relationship.
They were trying to make money off of our life, and my life, and I didn’t have a say in it.
I love them and I always will, but I hope maybe they’ll decide to do something different.
” I shrugged. “But they’re kind of trapped in this cycle. ”
Parker took a swallow of water. “That sucks,” he finally said, summing it up perfectly and simply.
My mouth twisted to the side as I nodded. “Honestly, and maybe this sounds crazy, but your dad getting you caught up in selling drugs is at least more honest than what my parents did.”
Parker tipped his head to the side, pressing his lips together before letting out a sharp sigh.
“I get what you mean. I love my dad and he’s got his own baggage.
What your parents did feels more exploitative.
My dad fucked up, and I fucked up, and we paid the price.
But it was an honest fuck up. A stupid one, at that. ” Parker rolled his eyes.
“Are you and your dad close now?”
His smile was warm with hints of wistfulness in his gaze.
“Yeah. He’s doing pretty good these days.
Maybe five years ago, he finally got sober.
Going to NA groups is practically a religion for him these days.
He keeps himself together. He and Stella’s mom reconnected.
They’re totally in love. I’m happy for them.
And—” He let out a little sigh. “Even though he got me into a lot of trouble when I was younger, he was scrambling to get by, and he made some bad choices. As a result, I made bad choices. Live and learn.”
“What about your mom?” I asked.