Chapter 22
22
The Past
College
“ Q uestion two: can I kiss you?”
Adrian’s question sends a flutter through my stomach. His eyes drink me up underneath the streetlight. I shuffle back a few steps and lean against his car to steady myself. I didn’t expect us to have alone time tonight.
For so long, I dreamed of him kissing me, but fear always shatters through that fantasy.
What a joke I am .
I’m nineteen. A kiss shouldn’t feel so serious.
You don’t have to strip to kiss.
Albeit kissing sometimes leads to that.
All these thoughts circle my brain while Adrian waits for my response.
If I say yes, it’s not that simple.
It’ll change everything about our friendship.
You can’t take back kisses.
Can’t take back love .
Now or never, Essie .
My head spins, my surroundings swirling around me—all but the view of Adrian.
And so, as if it were a sign, I blurt out, “Yes! Please kiss me, Adrian,” without a drop of regret.
He immediately steps to me, wraps his arm around my waist, and draws me in closer. As he stares down at me, my body burns for him. He fixates his eyes on my mouth, tracing them with his fingertip, and I inhale a deep breath.
His mouth hovers over mine, slightly brushing it. “You have no idea how long I’ve waited to do this.”
And we finally kiss.
The kiss starts closed-mouthed until Adrian sneaks his tongue inside my lips. I brush my tongue against his, and we start making out. His lips are soft and perfect.
He groans, nudging my hips forward and curling his hand around my hips.
“Yes, girl! Get it!” a girl slurs out.
Adrian’s lips break free from mine as a group walking down the road passes us.
“Yeah, man,” a guy with them says, giving Adrian a thumbs-up.
Another makes a thrusting motion with his hips.
Mood ruined by drunk coeds.
Adrian blocks me from their view, and his phone rings.
He eases it from his pocket, holding it up to show me the screen. “River.”
“Yeah,” he says after answering and nods as he listens. “We ran to my car to get water. Cool. Meet you in five.”
He ends the call, shoving the phone back into his pocket, and brushes a strand of hair away from my face. “Meet me later?”
There’s no hesitation this time when I say, “Okay.”
“You know, when I left for college, my parents gave me rules,” Amelia says, lying on her stomach in the hotel room bed. “One of them was to never drink anything given to you at a frat party.”
“Same.” Ava plops down next to her, and our snacks on the bed spill. “Like they expected me to bring a bottle of vodka in my purse.”
I snatch a few M you have no reason to be nervous .
He jumps out of the car to open the door for me. I blush when my body brushes his as I climb into the passenger seat. He makes sure I’m all the way inside before shutting the door and sliding behind the wheel.
“Simple Twist of Fate” flows from the car speakers, and he turns to look at me. A smile breaks out on his face, but it’s different from usual.
Adrian’s smiles are always friendly.
Like a warm hug.
But this time, there’s more to it.
Friendly with a hint of flirtation.
The good boy with the wicked smile who’s up to no good tonight.
My eyes stay on his lips.
Lips that were on mine earlier.
I grin back. I’m sure mine looks different too … giddier … cheesier than usual.
“Hi,” he whispers.
I bite my lip like I can still taste him. “Hi.”
Then, we burst out in laughter, realizing we’re both acting weird .
“What do you want to do?” he asks, the mood turning somewhat normal while he drives through the hotel parking lot.
“Take me where you go to think.” I already know where this is.
Burbota Park.
He’s FaceTimed me from there plenty of times. Sometimes, he’s in his car. Other times, he’s walking alongside the stream or sitting under a tree.
I stare at Adrian as he drives.
I trust this man, and deep down, I know I love him.
“Did you go back to the dorms?” I ask.
He shakes his head. “I read until you texted.”
I smile at him.
Maybe tonight, I’ll tell him everything.
Just maybe .
The park is empty, and Adrian pulls up under the only illuminated light. He pops the trunk and collects a blanket in his arms as I step out.
It’s our blanket.
The one we always use.
It’s starting to unravel, and the color is fading.
But like a baby blanket, the age and use are what makes it special.
It’s what makes you want to keep it forever and never let it go.
The blanket has heard us talk about our dreams, our futures, our fears.
Adrian drapes a sweatshirt over the blanket, and I follow him toward a secluded area. As soon as we got back to the hotel earlier, I changed into my pajamas. So I’m dressed in a plaid pink pj set and sneakers.
He spreads out the blanket. I sit, and he wraps the sweatshirt around my shoulders, knowing I’m almost always cold.
“Well …” I drawl when he sits next to me. “What do you want to do? ”
He taps his cheek, fake thinking. “I wouldn’t mind kissing you again.”
“Then, do it.”
He drops his head, and his lips smash into mine.
This kiss isn’t as careful as the last one.
It’s more rushed, like he planned for this moment the entire time he waited in the car. We kiss and kiss and kiss. I lower onto my back as he climbs over me.
We’ve never had the sex talk.
He doesn’t know I’ve only had sex once, and I have no idea about his sexual history. I know he isn’t a ladies’ man, but he’s dated.
He drags the sweatshirt off and flings it to the edge of the blanket as his lips trail from my ear down my neck. I moan and grip his shoulders.
Then , it happens.
He lifts my pajama shirt.
My reflexes kick in before my brain does, and I shove him away. He falls back on his ass. The lighting is limited, but I can see the shock on his face.
“I need to go,” I say, my voice breaking.
I’m nervous, embarrassed, and scared. I can name a million other emotions flowing through me.
Adrian scoots closer but still keeps a comfortable distance. “What did I do wrong?”
“Nothing.” I stand and pull my pajama shirt down so far that I’m surprised it doesn’t rip. “I’ll text Amelia and ask her to pick me up.”
Amelia drove us to the university and is the only one with a car, other than River, who most definitely isn’t getting a call from me.
“No way in hell am I leaving you out here alone.” Adrian gathers the blanket in his arms when I step off it. “I’ll take you back to the hotel. You don’t have to say one word to me in the car. ”
I cross my arms.
Adrian might think I’m beautiful now, but that will change when he sees what I really look like. Whenever we hang out, I’m careful to make sure I’m always covered. It’s become a habit I’ve mastered.
No bikinis, only one-pieces.
No crop tops.
My breathing halts, words dying in my throat. I don’t know what to say to him without breaking down.
Adrian stares at me as if he wants to crack into my soul and get the answers I’m unwilling to give him. After all this time, he thought he knew the real me. But no one can ever know the real you until they know every burned inch of your skin.
He’s anxious, his body shaking as he waits for my next move.
“I’m sorry, Essie.” His voice cracks. Thinking he hurt me hurts him.
My pain is his.
I hate that he thinks he’s the problem, that he pushed me too far.
I need to tell him the truth. Or at least that what’s happening right now is my fault and my fault only.
“Please take me back to the hotel,” I say.
“Okay,” he replies.
Tears prick my eyes as I tread toward the car. It feels like the longest walk of my life. Adrian follows, keeping distance between us, as if he knows it’s what I need.
When we return to the car, I close my eyes and rest my head against the seat. The same song plays on repeat in the background.
I attempt to swallow down the regret of how I’m treating him.
Of not giving him answers.
I’m a terrible person.
My sobs join the stupid song as we grow closer to the hotel.
He slowly brakes in front of the hotel entrance .
I swing open the door. “Good night,” I rush out, holding my breath as I jump out of the car.
“Essie—” he yells, but I cut off his voice by slamming the door shut.
I dash inside the hotel.
“Is everything okay?” the receptionist asks.
“Yes,” I say, proud of how level I keep my voice.
I take the stairs instead of the elevator and stop between floors to give myself a break. I grip the railing, dipping over the side, and scream into the silence.
I hate myself.
I should’ve never treated him like that.
When I get back to the hotel, everyone is still asleep. I lock myself in the bathroom and pull my phone from my pajama pocket. There’s already a text from Adrian.
Adrian: I’m sorry for whatever I did to upset you.
My hands tremble as I text back.
Me: It wasn’t you. It was me.
Adrian: I hate that line.
Just as I’m trying to come up with a response, my phone vibrates with another text from him.
Adrian: From now on, friends only. Got it. We’ll never cross that line again.
No! I don’t want that. I just need time.
Me: I don’t want to lose you. Please give me time.
Adrian: I’ll be patient with you because I love you .
My heart nearly bursts at his words.
Adrian: I’m sorry. I had to get that off my chest, especially if I’m losing you.
Me: Can we talk after finals? Maybe you can come to my dorm?
Adrian: I’ll be there.
But that doesn’t happen.
I never get to tell Adrian my truth or that I love him back because he stops talking to me three days later. At first, I blamed his lack of response on finals week.
But after two weeks, I know he’s gone. River tells me he moved out of the dorm while he was away for the weekend. He deactivated his social media and changed his number.
It’s as if my secret best friend, the man I was falling in love with, never existed.