Chapter 30 – Kylie
thirty
Kylie
“Okay, I’m out.” Lexi sticks her head in my office. “Your brother should be home in less than thirty minutes and I—”
I lean back in my chair and rock. “And you want to greet him wearing nothing but a smile.” I grin big at her.
“No,” she denies and I see her blush, “I just missed him.” I swear she sighs out and if this was a cartoon I would see hearts flying out of her eyeballs.
“Aww.” I sit back up, putting my elbows on the desk and folding my hands together, “isn’t that cute?”
“One of these days, you’re going to be going through the same thing, and I’ll be the one making fun of you.” She points to me, and I bark out a laugh.
“I’ll hold you to that,” I say, the lump in my throat going from the size of a golf ball to a baseball, and it’s making it hard to swallow and breathe. I clear my throat as the tightness in my chest forms. “Have fun,” I tell her as she turns to walk out the door. “Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.”
She stops and turns around. “I’ve heard the things you’ve done.” She shakes her head, and I put my hands on my cheeks.
“I haven’t done everything,” I defend myself. “I just say no to anal.”
“Good to know that’s where you draw the line.”
“I didn’t say I draw the line at that. I’ll do anal if I can do them first.”
“You mean you would peg a guy?” The look on her face is priceless.
“If he wants to stick his dick in my ass. Yes.” I nod. “You bet your fucking ass, or his ass, I’m fucking it.”
“If you ever do that,” she holds the door open, “I never want to hear about it.”
I laugh. “If I do that, everyone is going to know. I’m taking out a billboard in Times Square. Hiring planes to fly across the sky with a banner in the back: I pegged and add his full name. Might even add his social media handle.”
“See you tomorrow.” She heads out, rolling her eyes at me, and I look back at my screen and see the cursor blinking in the middle of it.
I take a deep breath in and let it out slowly through my mouth. It’s been four days since Knox has tried to call me and FaceTime me, and each time I declined the call, letting it go to voicemail. He would then send texts, and I would respond the next morning.
But today, I blink and look out the window as my eyes start to sting from the dryness in them.
Today is going to be different. After today, the only time we will see each other will be at a game or if we are all out together.
I spent the last four days thinking about how I’m starting to fall for him.
That I can’t let this go on any longer before we pass the point of no return.
It has to be like this. It has gone on longer than it should have, longer than I ever thought it would.
I’m already in too deep and I can’t let myself fall in love with him and then have him rip it away from me.
I’ve learned from a very young age that love comes with strings that can be taken away in a blink of an eye, leaving me shattered. I can’t do it. I won’t do it.
I stay at the office longer than I need to and by the time I get in my car, I already have two missed calls from him.
I close my eyes and head home, and I don’t know why I’m expecting him to be there waiting for me.
The disappointment rushes up my veins with just enough time for me to shut it off before it hits my heart.
I walk into my house and undress, putting on a pair of pink lounge pants and matching tank top. I’m pulling open the fridge, trying to muster up the energy to eat something, but my stomach is in such knots that I just close it back up.
I head to the couch and turn on the television, but the whole time my mind is whirling around. He probably has the kids tonight, I think to myself. The more the minutes tick by, the more sick I start to feel. “After it’s done, you’ll feel better,” I tell myself.
The doorbell rings right after eight. I close my eyes and feel my heart about to come out of my chest. Tossing the blanket off myself, I get up and make my way to the door.
I grab the door handle in my hand. “You’ll be fine,” I whisper to myself and pull open the door.
The heart that was beating ridiculously fast in my chest feels like it’s now sinking down to my feet. He’s wearing jeans and a T-shirt, very casual. His hands are on the door frame as he waited for me to open the door. “She’s alive.” His face beams with a smile.
He pushes off the doorjamb and comes into the house. His hand goes around my waist, pulling me up against him. “Hi,” he says softly.
“Hi,” I say in almost a whisper, my head screaming at me to be cut it off. My heart wanting to fall into his embrace.
He bends his head and I should push him away before he kisses me, but I don’t. I close my eyes and kiss him, knowing it’ll be the last time.
“What have you been doing all day?” He lets me go and I close the door as he slides his hand into mine and pulls me into the house.
“Working,” I reply. “We’re starting a new project.” I slip my hand out of his when we get to the kitchen. “Do you want something to drink?” Why are you offering him something to drink when all you want is for him to get out of your space? my head screams at me.
“No,” he shakes his head, “but I think we need to talk.” The words feel like ice water thrown on me after I’ve been baking in the sun.
“I was thinking the same thing.” I stand on the opposite side of the island, making sure there is space between us.
I’m not sure I will be able to go ahead with my plan if he touches me.
“Listen, Knox,” I start, “I can’t do this.
” The minute I say the words, the color leaves his face.
And I know he was not expecting me to say that.
“What?” he asks, the confusion on his face and in his question.
“This thing.” I point to myself and then to him. “It’s just not—”
“It’s not what?” He folds his arms over his chest.
I have never felt this before, the overwhelming fear I do right now. “This was supposed to be fun.” The words I played in my head over and over the last couple of days vanish and I try to find the words. “And well, now it’s just not.”
“Don’t do this.” He shakes his head and starts to move around the island, and I move in the opposite direction, making sure I keep away from his touch.
“It is what it is, Knox,” I tell him, trying to get this out and over with. “It’s just not going to work out between us.”
“Kylie,” he says my name and my heart feels like someone just took it in their hand and ripped it straight out of my chest. I have the sudden need to hold my hand to my chest to stop the ache, but he’ll know.
He’ll know I feel more than I should, and I can’t let him.
I refuse to fall in love with him. I refuse to be more heartbroken than I am going to be right now.
The longer this goes on, the harder it will be.
“That’s fucking bullshit, and you know it. ”
The sting starts in my eyes and then moves down to my nose.
“What I know is, I’m telling you I’m not interested in this,” I swallow down, “or in you.” His face goes from ashen white to devastated all in a split second.
I can’t take this any longer. I need him gone.
I need him out of my space. “And you have to let it go.”
His eyes bore into mine and I take them in, making sure I remember them forever. He shakes his head. “You’re lying to yourself.”
“I’m not.” I shrug one shoulder. “I’m sorry.” I feel my bottom lip start to tremble and I bite down on it so hard I’m surprised I don’t start bleeding.
“Me too,” he replies, pushing off the island and turning to walk out of the room. I gasp silently as I hear the front door open and then slam shut. I put my hand in front of my mouth and breathe in heavily as the tears pool in my eyes, making it hard to see.
It takes a full minute before I rush to my sink and throw up the water I drank not too long before he got here.
I dry heave a couple of times before turning back and walking to the couch.
I turn off the television and the lights before heading to the bathroom.
I avoid looking into the mirror as I brush my teeth and go through the motions of my routine.
Sliding into bed, I let go in the darkness as the first sob rips through me.
My hand goes to the middle of my chest, hoping to stop the pain.
I rub it around in a circle, hoping to ease the sting of my choice.
“You had to do this,” I tell myself, “before he made you fall in love with him and it changed you. Love isn’t for you.
” I repeat the words I’ve been telling myself since I was thirteen and heard my best friend at the time tell her mother she loved her for no reason but to say it, and she answered her back, “Love you to the moon and back.” It was then I realized I was never told that, never loved just because.
I was told I love you with strings attached to it.
I got the ‘I love you’ after I did what was asked of me.
I close my eyes and it’s a big mistake, because all I see is his face.
Not the face I’ve grown to think of, but instead the face of devastation I created.
My eyes flutter back open. “Love isn’t for you,” I chant over and over again, hoping I believe it.