Chapter 32 – Kylie
thirty-two
Kylie
I pick up the phone and dial Kirby, staring out the window and holding my coffee cup in my hand.
He answers after two rings. “Hello.” His voice sounds like I just woke him up and chances are I probably did.
I waited until nine to call him, which is six hours after I woke up for the day.
I’m now on coffee number two and even though I should feel exhausted, I don’t. I feel defeated.
“Hey,” I say.“Can I borrow your house in Arizona?” I stare off into the distance, focusing on the skyline but instead seeing Knox’s eyes. His eyes looking at me with an expression I don’t think I ever want to see again. One that will be seared into my brain for the rest of my life.
“What?” I hear the covers on his side rustle, and I know he’s definitely in bed.
“I’m thinking of going back to Arizona and seeing a couple of my friends.” What I want to say is being close to Knox is too much for me. So, I need to put as much space between us so I can work through my feelings for him. “For like a week, maybe two.”
“Of course,” he replies softly. “Are you okay?”
“I’m fine,” I assure him with cheer in my voice, as I wipe away a tear that escapes from my eye. “I’m going to go and book a flight now,” I tell him, even though I already did it last night when I came home. “I’ll send you my travel info.”
I spent the whole game with the kids, the whole fucking game.
Wanting to be close to them, or better yet, needing to be close to them.
I wondered if he would have told them not to talk to me, but they were as friendly as they always were.
During warm-up, I saw him skate up to us and I made an excuse to talk to Lexi.
I felt his eyes on mine the whole time, trying to tell myself that I was fine; I wasn’t.
But I would be, or at least that is what I had to believe.
I watched the game, or better yet, I watched him.
His game was completely off and then the fight at the end?
My chest felt like it was going to explode.
I got out of there the second he skated to the box, telling everyone I wanted to miss the traffic, when in reality, I couldn’t face him.
I got home and booked a flight to Arizona for this afternoon.
I would stay at a hotel if I had to, all I knew was I couldn’t stay here in my apartment.
The four walls felt like they were closing in on me.
“Um, okay.” His voice is unsure. “Call me if you need me,” he says and he lingers on the call, and I have to wonder if he knows what happened.
“Will do.” I disconnect and walk into my room, packing two bags. Not one… two. Overpacking, I pack three outfits a day. I have never in my life changed more than once a day and here I was going to Arizona, thinking I’m going to go out on the town every single night.
The minute I step foot into the house and open the shades, I know I shouldn’t be here.
I know I don’t want to be here. I know exactly where I want to be.
I force myself every single day to get out of bed.
Force myself to eat little bites of food here and there.
I go to the Pilates class I used to go to when I lived here.
I go to the grocery store as if my life isn’t shattered and burning to the ground around me.
As if I’m suddenly this gourmet chef. I buy things to bake, which I’ve never done in my life.
I pretend it’s all okay when inside a piece of me dies every single day.
The heaviness I had when I got here is even worse as the days go by instead of getting lighter.
I thought after a couple of days it would be fine.
I thought it would lessen. I. Was. Wrong.
Needless to say, the week I’m here is borderline the worst week I’ve ever had in my life.
And that is saying something, especially with my childhood and my teenage years.
I thought coming out here would clear my head.
I thought it would make it easier. It didn’t, it just made it even fucking worse.
I cut my trip short, going back home and not telling anyone.
I’m sitting on my balcony, and I think I’m on hour two of sobbing.
My heart literally hurts. I pick up my phone and dial Lexi’s number. She answers after one ring, “Hey,” she says.
“Hey,” I sniffle, “do you think you can come over to my apartment?”
“I’m on my way,” she states, and she hangs up.
I get up from my chair and head inside, curling on the couch until the knock on the door has me getting up.
I walk to the door and pull it open, but the smile on her face disappears when she sees me.
“What in the world?” she questions, coming in.
I try to smile and make a joke, but all I can do is sob.
She wraps her arms around me as she rubs my back softly up and down.
“Shhh,” she soothes softly, “it’s okay,” She tries her best to soothe me and when I finally stop crying, my breath hitches. “It’s going to be okay.”
I step out of her embrace as I try to stop the tears from dripping down my cheeks. “Lexi,” I say her name and she wraps her arm around my shoulders as she turns and makes her way to the couch. “I don’t know.” I lean forward and grab a motherfucking tissue and blow my nose.
She sits next to me and rubs my back. “Why don’t you start at the beginning?”
“I fell in love with him, Lexi.” I do not, in fact, start at the beginning, I start in the middle, maybe at the end.
“Except I don’t even know if it’s love,” I admit to her.
“I don’t fucking know.” I throw my hands up.
“I have no fucking idea because I never fucking had anyone who loved me,” I say angrily.
“I mean, I love Kirby, obviously. He’s my brother, but this, with him.
” I put my hand to my chest. “It hurts so much. I thought it would go away. Thought the pain of not talking to him and knowing he was gone was going to slowly fade. I thought I would wake up the next day and the pain would be less and every single day the ache would get smaller and smaller. But it didn’t.
It isn’t. It’s getting harder and harder, and the pain is getting to be so much it hurts to even breathe.
” I look at her and see her with tears running down her face.
“Kylie,” she says my name in a whisper, “you aren’t starting at the beginning.”
“Knox,” I say his name and her eyes go as big as saucers.
“Yeah, him.” I sigh. “Him and his perfect fucking face. With his perfect fucking smile. With his—” I shake my head.
“Everything about him I thought I didn’t like, I like.
” I look at her. “I was so scared to love him and then have him take it away from me if I messed something up.”
“Kylie,” she soothes, shaking her head.
“I’m so scared, Lexi. I’m so fucking scared that I’ll love him with everything I have and then it will be pulled away from me, and I’ll be left empty.” I wring the tissue in my hand.
“Love doesn’t come with strings,” she tells me. “It doesn’t come with conditions. It doesn’t come with expectations. It comes with care and protectiveness. It comes with trust and affection. It’s pure and so, so good.”
“I don’t know if I can do it,” I admit to her. “I don’t know if I can love him.”
“You don’t think you can love him?” She smiles through tears. “Honey, you already do if you are making yourself sick over it.”
“What if he doesn’t love me?” I ask her. “What if I give him a piece of me and he doesn’t want it?”
“Then he’s an idiot and we get Kirby to beat his ass.”
“I broke up with him,” I tell her. “Told him I didn’t want him.”
“Is that why you left?” I nod. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
“I didn’t know how,” I confess to her. “How do I say I fell in love with Knox when I don’t even know what love is?”
“You have the purest heart I’ve ever had the privilege of knowing.
” She puts her head to mine. “I love you with all of mine,” she says, “and I’m saying this with the best of intentions.
” She puts her arm around my shoulders, pulling me to her and putting her head on mine. “But you look like absolute garbage.”
I laugh through the tears. “I mean, at least I look how I feel. I think I love him.” I close my eyes and silently cry, “I think I love him.” I open my eyes again, putting my hand on my mouth. “I just don’t know if I can take that step.”
“You’ll take it when you are ready to take it,” she assures me softly.
“What if—” I don’t even want to say the words.
“If he loves you?” she finishes with a smile and tears. “He’ll wait for you.” I know she says that thinking of my brother, who waited for her patiently on the side. “Now let’s get you in the shower and get some food into you.”
“I’m not hungry,” I tell her and she stands up and takes me with her. She walks slowly into the bedroom with me and, with all the patience in the world, she undresses me and gets me in the shower. While I wash my hair, she goes to the kitchen and makes me something to eat with a tea.
I sit at the island on the stool, eating for the first time in almost ten days. “Knox,” she says his name and I snort out with the way she says it.
“Yeah.” I nod my head.
“I mean, I suspected the two of you went to that retreat, but I didn’t even think.”
“He’s…” I look up at her and the tears pool in my eyes. “He’s—” I can’t even say it, so I just sigh. “There aren’t adequate words to say how much.”
“I get it,” she says and for the whole day she stays with me. I see her texting and I know she should be at the game with Kirby.
“You have to get out of here,” I tell her from my side of the couch, where I’m lying down. “I’ll be fine.”
“What did you decide to do?” she asks me, getting up and grabbing her jacket.
“I am thinking it over. I know I need to see him. I just don’t need to see him when I look like I’m dying.” I point to myself, getting up, and she follows me.