Chapter Fifteen
I had no idea how long it took for the police and ambulance to arrive. Everything was a blur. I heard words like ‘shock’ and ‘murder-suicide,’ but when people tried to speak to me, it was as if their mouths were just opening and closing with garbled noises coming out. I was in a daze, unable to see or hear anything clearly.
I was in disbelief over what had happened. Both my mother and Keith were pronounced dead on scene. When detectives tried to speak to me, I just stared at them. What would I say? That I killed Keith? I couldn’t even claim self-defense. I had murdered someone in cold blood. I tried to justify that it was deserved because he had killed my mother. But the way I had held my hand over his while holding the knife, swinging it down to pierce his stomach…what kind of monster was I? I would have never have thought I was capable of something so evil.
The only thing I could manage to tell police officers was that I had found both my mother and Keith stabbed and on the floor when I woke up from a nap. It was decided that I was in shock and needed a few days to be able to be questioned. The house was declared a crime scene. I was allowed to pack a small overnight bag, and told that I couldn’t re-enter the house until they were done processing it for evidence. I didn’t know what to do and where to go. The only person I could think of was Chloe, so I called her, trying to explain in a garbled mess what had happened through tears. But I told her the version I heard the police officers hypothesizing. That Keith had killed my mother and then committed suicide by stabbing himself. I couldn’t bring myself to tell her the truth. That I had murdered him.
Chloe was shocked and horrified by what I told her. She told me that I should go stay with her parents, and that she would call her mom and tell her what happened. I had a feeling that she wouldn’t have to tell her much, considering all the news trucks that were outside the house. The entire town of Hyattsville probably knew what had happened.
Chloe’s parents picked me up and took me to their house, their faces concerned and worried. But all I could think about was that my mom was dead. And I had killed Keith.
The next few weeks were a living nightmare. Chloe flew up from Florida to be with me. The police finally questioned me, and I continued the lie that Keith had killed himself after murdering my mother. I convinced myself that he deserved it. For whatever reason, he had brutally murdered my mother. He deserved worse than what he got.
I told the police loud noises had woken me up, and when I came downstairs, my mother and Keith had both already been stabbed. I knew I had to explain my fingerprints on the knife, so I said I had momentarily grabbed it, wondering if I should take the knife out of Keith’s stomach, but then I decided it was better to keep it as is, so the bleeding wouldn’t get worse.
I was amazed at my ability to lie. Amazed and disgusted. Who was I? What was I capable of? Self-preservation had kicked in, and I went on auto-pilot. All I could think about was that I wanted my mom back. For the longest time, it had just been the two of us. She had been my anchor in this world. And I had been so happy for her when she had met Keith and gotten married. I thought she finally got the happy ending she so deserved. Only for her ending to turn into a tragedy.
The investigation was completed and closed quickly, and my house was released back to me. Chloe had taken care of getting the house professionally cleaned, and when I returned, it was eerily as if nothing had happened there. Except I was all alone now.
If I had been depressed before, now I felt completely detached from the world. The funeral was attended by far more people than I had expected, but I bitterly assumed it was because it had become big news in our town. A part of me had thought Jason would attend, but I saw neither him nor his family.
After the funeral, I retreated back into my house. My reclusive tendencies from before now transformed into me becoming a total shut-in. I wanted nothing to do with the world, and I knew I deserved nothing good from the world. Chloe consistently tried to get me out of the house and into counseling, but I adamantly refused. Eventually, she had to go back to Florida, but she called me often. In the beginning, she sent her mom to check up on me, but she eventually gave up when I refused to answer the door.
I existed only in the four walls of my house. I worked from home and paid the bills as best as I could, but that was the extent of my existence. My work was understanding of the trauma I had been through, and allowed me to work strictly remotely. Slowly, as the months passed, I started letting myself enjoy small things, like a funny tv show or delivery from a restaurant I had been craving.
Months became years, and three years passed living in this state. I became used to being in my own company, and decided this would be the rest of my life. At this point, I had nothing to live for, and was just living, waiting to die.