Chapter Seventeen
I couldn’t deny that I was on pins and needles the next few weeks. Every time I heard a car door close outside, I tensed, convinced that it would be Jason. But it never was, and slowly things went back to normal. My life was an endless loop of working at my computer, knitting and watching TV. The sole excitement was getting a grocery delivery and hiding until the person left to retrieve my order from the front steps.
I had just finished work for the day and was closing down my computer when my doorbell rang. My heart stopped. No one ever rang my bell unless it was for a delivery I was expecting. I took a deep breath and told myself to calm down. It was probably a solicitor or something. Maybe some kid selling stuff for a school fundraiser. Whoever it was, they would leave when nobody answered the door.
The doorbell rang again, and I kicked myself for not having gotten a doorbell camera. I had toyed with the idea, but it hadn’t seemed necessary since I always knew who was at my door because it was always a scheduled delivery.
When the doorbell rang a third time, I grabbed my cell phone and crept from my desk, quietly making my way upstairs. I was careful not to step on any floorboards that would creak and give me away. It was ludicrous that I was hiding in my own house, but I was afraid whoever was at the door wouldn’t leave if they knew someone was home.
I made it upstairs and rushed into my bedroom that had windows facing the front of the house. I parted the curtains by a hair, peeking outside to see if there was a car. There was a black SUV parked in my driveway, and I felt anger rising. Who was this and why were they at my house? My home was the only sanctuary I had, the only place I felt safe, and even then, I had to block the memories of what had happened in this house to be able to feel that way. I felt violated and angry.
I stepped back from the window and sat on my bed. My body was tense, waiting for the doorbell to ring again and praying it wouldn’t. I was hoping whoever it was would give up and leave, because there was no way in hell I was answering the door.
Instead of hearing my doorbell again, my cell phone started ringing, startling me. I grabbed my phone that was next to me on the bed, and my breath stopped short. It had been years since Jason’s number had appeared on the screen of my phone. Was that him outside? Was he calling because I wasn’t answering the door?
My thoughts were jumbled as the insistent ringing of the phone continued. There was no way I was going to answer the door or the phone. The coincidence was too great that Jason was calling while someone was at my door. It had to be him.
I couldn’t lie that a part of me longed to see him. As stupid as it was, I had never fully gotten over him. But there was no way I wanted him to see me living like this. A shut-in that had let life get the better of her. I also reminded myself that the Jason I longed for was the version I had in my head. The loyal boyfriend who loved me. Not the cheater he turned out to be.
I was grateful when my phone stopped ringing. I heard a car door shut and an engine start. Thank God he was leaving. I didn’t dare try to peep through the curtains again. I didn’t want to chance Jason seeing me. It would make me look pathetic.
I was relieved when I heard the car driving away, but my heart ached a little when I looked out and saw the empty driveway. I had no idea why Jason had come to see me, but I had no plans of ever opening the door for him. I checked my phone and saw that he had left no voicemail. I told myself it was a good thing. I could just pretend that I had dreamed this all up and forget about him.
That was easier said than done. For the next few days, I jumped at every little sound, convinced that it was Jason returning. I couldn’t help wondering why he had come to my house, and what he had heard about me. He had to have heard about what happened to my mother through the grapevine, as our high school class was a gossipy group. He hadn’t come to see me then. Why now?
It wasn’t until a week later that my doorbell rang again. I was on my couch knitting and watching TV when it rang. My heart rose to my throat and I dropped my knitting. I took deep breaths to calm myself down. It didn’t matter if it was Jason or a Girl Scout selling cookies. I wasn’t opening the door and I was staying put on couch. I wasn’t going to let someone at my door send me scurrying to hide like a rat again. Whoever it was would leave eventually.
What I didn’t expect was for Jason to start yelling through the door.
“Daphne, I know you’re in there!”
It had been so long since I had heard Jason’s voice, and to hear him say my name sent shivers down my spine. I steeled my resolve. There was no way for him to know I was home, and even if he did, I had no obligation to open the door for him.
“I ran into Michael Portnoy, and he says you always order groceries through delivery because you never leave the house. He told me he works for the grocery store and is usually the one delivering your groceries.”
I was surprised that I could hear Jason so clearly through the door. And damn Michael Portnoy. He was a former classmate and I had on idea he was the one delivering my groceries. I never opened my door, and always waited for the delivery driver to leave before getting my stuff.
I jumped when Jason banged on the door this time instead of ringing the bell.
“I’m not leaving until you answer the door. I’ve got nothing to do the rest of today. Or night.”
Frustration welled inside me. Why was he here, and why was he insisting on seeing me? It had been three years. He hadn’t come when my life was falling apart. Why now?
I wanted to yell at him through the door, but I stayed silent. Hearing me would only encourage him to stay. He would get tired of my silence sooner or later, and leave.
Two hours later, I wasn’t so sure. He stopped ringing my doorbell, but he kept texting me. Every fifteen minutes or so, I would hear the the ping of my phone signaling an incoming text.
Daphne, please open the door.
I know you’re in there. I just want to talk.
I’m not leaving until we talk.
Please open the door. I promise I’ll leave after we get a chance to talk.
I’ll guess I’ll be here all night. What will your neighbors think?
Daphne, please. I had no idea about your mom passing. I just found out. Please open the door.
The last text gave me pause. I had never considered that possibility. But then, I had just learned from Chloe that Jason had been in South American all this time. It was completely plausible that he didn’t know what happened. But what difference did it make at this point? I had to admit I had felt abandoned by him, but what would his presence have done? How could he have been there for me when I knew him to be a liar and a cheat?
I sighed, suddenly feeling exhausted. Maybe I should just talk to him and get it over with. Jason had always been stubborn, and I had a feeling ignoring him would just prolong this whole thing. I would just talk to him this one time and then never see him again.
I cautiously opened the door and saw him sitting on my front step, his back to me. When he heard the door open, he turned around and I felt like my gut had been punched. His blue eyes pierced into me, and I felt myself falling three years back in time, to when just the sight of his face could make me feel butterflies. The feeling may have been the same, but his face had changed. He looked older, and his face had filled out, making him look more mature. He also looked tired and sad.
Jason stood up quickly, turning towards me and taking a step until he was standing in front of me. I tilted my head up, noticing how more imposing he seemed physically. Jason had always been tall, but his shoulders looked broader and his physique more muscular. He was tanned, and I wondered if that was from the years working in South America. I swallowed hard, feeling overwhelmed that he was standing in front of me. I had thought of this moment more than I liked to admit. What it would be like to see Jason again. But the Jason in front of me seemed different than the youthful, fun-loving Jason of my memories.
“Thank God you finally opened the door,” he said. His voice even sounded different, deeper and more gravelly. “I was about to see if I could rent a battering ram.”
I didn’t laugh at his joke. It took everything in me to keep my composure and squelch my impulse to embrace him. It had been so long.
“Why are you here?”
Jason sighed, pushing his hair back with one hand. His hair was longer than before, and shaggier. I balled my hands into fists, resisting the urge to run my fingers through his hair.
“Can I come in and talk? I don’t want to stand out here for this conversation.”
I rarely let anyone into my house. The last time someone had entered was four months ago, when Chloe had visited. Before that, it had been a year, when a repairman had to come in to fix the air conditioner. I had been okay when Chloe had come in, but I had felt like I was going to have an anxiety attack when the repairman had come inside. I wanted to hide while he was in my house, but it scared me more to not know what he was doing, so I had watched his every movement, my heart in my throat.
Now Jason was requesting to come inside. I hesitated, but then decided that it was better to hash this out inside, rather that in front of potentially nosy neighbors. I stepped back and motioned Jason to come in. As he walked past me, I breathed in his cologne. It was different from the one he used to wear. For some reason, I felt dismayed by that.
I followed him to the living room, and didn’t protest when he sat down on the couch. It felt strange to see him in a familiar setting, looking so different. We had spent a lot of time on that couch, sprawled out watching movies or making out when my mom and Keith weren’t home.
I felt a slash of pain go through me, and I pushed my thoughts back. I couldn’t let myself think of Keith or my mom, and what had happened, just steps away from where Jason was sitting. I suddenly felt resentful of Jason’s unexpected appearance. I had buried the memories of what had happened, and now they were being brought back to the surface.
I purposely sat on the other end of the couch and stared straight ahead, waiting for him to speak. I stiffened when he shifted closer to me and grabbed my hands, forcing me to turn towards him.
“I don’t know if you know that I left for South America pretty much right after graduation,” he started, watching me intently. “I was torn apart after we broke up, and I decided to accept Biotechnics Major’s job offer, and they sent me down there right away. I’ve been there for three years, pretty isolated. I probably only spoke to my family once every few months. I have to admit it was partly because I wanted to forget everything and immerse myself in work.” Jason rubbed his eyes, looking older than his years. “Daphne, I don’t know if you’ll believe me now, but I swear there was nothing between me and Shelby. I have no idea why she lied, but there was never anything between us. She was just your friend that hung out with us sometimes. That’s it.”
My heart squeezed. I didn’t know whether to believe him, but what reason would he have to lie after all these years? Besides, what did it matter now what he and Shelby did or didn’t do?
“I told my family I didn’t want to hear anything about you,” he continued. “It hurt too much. But I didn’t think they’d keep something like what Keith did to your mom from me.” Jason’s expression turned pained. “My God, I would have come running if I knew what you were going through. I’m so pissed no one told me. Eric just told me about it, because he thought I should know before I came to Hyattsville. I can’t fucking believe neither he nor my parents told me when it happened.” Jason shook his head, his expression dark. “To think what you witnessed, to think what you went through—“
I cut him off before he could continue. I couldn’t hear this. I couldn’t hear him talk about my mom and Keith. The image of her lifeless bloody body was burned into my brain, as well as what it had felt like to pierce Keith’s body with a knife, killing him. But I had suppressed these images, because it was the only way to keep on living. Especially in this house. But Jason talking about it were bringing these feelings and images to mind, and I felt like throwing up.
“Please,” I said. I realized my hands were still in his, and I pulled them out of his grasp. “I don’t want to talk about that.”
Jason breathed in deeply, nodding his head. “I’m sorry. It must be so painful for you.” Jason looked down at his hands, and then his gaze raised, his expression earnest. “But I’m here now. I know it’s too late, but I had to come see you.” He hesitated before continuing. “I’ve heard you don’t really leave your house. Are you seeing anyone to help you with that?”
I stood up abruptly. This wasn’t a conversation I wanted to have either. What the hell was Jason doing, showing up after three years and inquiring about my mental health? Yes, I knew my mental health was fucked up. But that wasn’t for him to speak of.
“Jason, I think you should leave now.” I looked down at his pained expression, and my heart softened a bit. “I know you came here because you want to help, but I don’t need any help. I’m fine the way I am. I don’t really want to talk about whether or not I leave my house, and the state of my mental health.”
“I’m sorry,” he said, looking sincere. “I didn’t mean to overstep. I was just worried.” Jason took a deep breath. “I’m going to be in town for a while. My parents are selling their house, and it needs some repairs and improvements before it can go on the market.”
Jason stood up, facing me. “While I’m here, can we see each other?” He hurriedly continued when he saw my skeptical expression. “I mean, just as friends.” He lifted one hand up and let it hang there awkwardly before letting it drop to his side again. “We were friends for a long time before anything else. I just want to get reacquainted with my friend.”
I didn’t know how to answer. The last thing I needed was a friend, especially a friend that made my heart do flip flops. And I was sure Jason was going to try to ‘help’ me by trying to get me out of the house. I didn’t need that kind of pressure either. But I couldn’t deny that I felt more alive seeing Jason than I had in a long time. But that also meant that when he eventually left Hyattsville, I’d be left with a gaping hole again.
“Jason,” I started, measuring my words out carefully. “I appreciate you coming here. Thank you for being concerned about me. But everything that happened is in the past. I’m doing alright now. I think it’s best if we just leave it at that. I’m sure your parents’ house will sell quickly. It’s gorgeous and on beautiful property. You’ll be out of Hyattsville in no time.”
Jason’s jaw tensed. “Daphne, I’m planning on staying in town for a while. And I want to see you. Why is that so hard?”
I was starting to lose my patience. “You can stay in Hyattsville for as long as you want. That’s none of my business. But I’m telling you that I have no interest in rehashing our past.”
Jason sighed, checking his watch. “I don’t want to argue with you. Why don’t we just go have dinner somewhere together. Just give me that. We can decide the rest later.”
I tensed at his suggestion. He had already said he knew I didn’t leave the house. Why was he suggesting we go out to a restaurant?
Jason glanced down at me, and his expression tightened. “I’m sorry. I forgot you don’t like to leave the house. How about I go pick something up for us?”
I needed Jason to leave. I needed him to leave before I broke down crying. How had my life turned out this way? A pathetic loser who couldn’t step out of her house. It was beyond humiliating to have Jason witness me like this.
“I’m sorry, Jason,” I said, trying to make my voice sound strong. “I’m tired and I want to be alone. Please leave.”
Jason looked like he was about to protest, and then seemed to think better of it. He exhaled slowly and nodded his head. “Okay. I won’t push. I appreciate you opening the door for me and letting us talk.” He was silent for a few beats before continuing, sounding unsure of himself. “Can I come back some time?”
I would agree to anything at this point to get Jason out of the house. My throat felt thick with tears and I didn’t know how much longer I could hold out without breaking down.
“Okay,” I agreed. “Let’s table everything for next time.”
Jason walked to the door slowly, like he was trying to prolong the moment he had to leave. With promises to let him come over again. I finally shut the door behind me. I crumpled to the floor and let the floodgates open. My body was wracked with sobs, and I felt like I was going to choke on my tears. In another lifetime, Jason and I would be happy together and my mother would be alive and healthy. We would see her on Sundays for dinner and she would the best grandma to my future children.
Instead, I was alone on the floor, sobbing my heart out, wishing my mom’s arms were wrapped around me, telling me that everything was going to be alright.