Chapter 8
KASTIAN
Xena ate the last of her Caesar salad and sipped her wine. “So, it’s bypass marriage and just get straight to the baby, huh?”
Xena was an orthodontist. I’d known her for about six months.
We’d never had sex, and it was actually her that asked me out on a date.
I accepted, but I wasn’t going to let her pay for the date.
“You asked me what I’m looking for, and that’s it.
I can be honest. I’m at the age where I want kids.
I want a legacy. I don’t necessarily want the wife.
Don’t get me wrong, if it happens organically, that’s what it is, but I haven’t found it yet.
I don’t want to be having kids at fifty because I never found Ms. Right. ”
“Dating is challenging, so I can’t even look at what you’re saying as too crazy. I want kids too, but I always had these fairytale dreams of being swept off my feet, a big wedding, and then kids that were planned and created out of love.”
“And you can look for that. I’m not asking any woman to give up her dreams, standards, or whatever to give me what I want. I just think somewhere out here there’s a woman that wants a kid and would be willing to co-parent. No strings attached.”
“I know what I want, but that doesn’t mean it’s going to happen. Dating these days is extremely hard and frustrating. So, when you find a woman to have your baby, that’s what it will be? Just have sex to get her pregnant then what? Become co-parents?”
I chuckled. “I have to vibe with her whoever she is. I have to think she’d be a good mother. The smart kind that will have my kid on a routine and feed him or her healthy food. I want to be cool with her. Friends. And if we just so happen to be friends that have sex that’s what it will be.”
“Good luck with that,” she giggled. “Something tells me a woman that is raising your child, watching you be a good father, and getting that good D will have hopes of way more than just co-parenting.”
It was my turn to laugh. “How do you know the D is good?”
“Let’s just say, that I can usually tell when a man possesses the qualities to make sex unforgettable. It’s not all about size. You seem like the type that knows how to please.”
“Damn, is that right?” I sipped my cognac.
“I’d be willing to put money on it.”
Xena had light skin, high cheekbones, a sharp nose, and she was rocking a super short pixie cut.
The hairstyle made her look classy and mature.
Shorty was thirty-one, owned her home, drove a Maserati, and didn’t have any kids.
She had been engaged a few years back and two months before the wedding, she found out her fiancé was gay.
That news earned her a short stay in the psych ward.
According to her, it took a few years of healing, but she was finally open to love again.
I was always honest because that was the kind of man that I was.
But when a woman had high hopes, I refused to let her think it would be anything other than what it was.
Of course, there was always a chance that I could fall for a woman.
And if that happened, I’d deal with it. But until then, I laid everything out on the table, and it was up to the woman to decide if she was with it or not.
“Do you have sex with multiple women to see who will get pregnant first? Are you going to date around then choose a woman to impregnate. How does it work?”
Laughing, I finished my drink. “I love my dick and my health. Fucking multiple women to see who will get pregnant first is crazy work, shawty. I don’t stick shit in a female raw until we’ve both been tested.
I get to know women like everyone else does.
We date. If I take a liking to her and feel like I could tolerate her for the next eighteen years, I’d just ask her to have my baby.
She’s not obligated to, and we can even keep dating. But my search will continue.”
Xena bobbed her head. “So, there is a chance it could happen the natural way? While dating, you might fall for someone and want to be with her. And then, she could have your baby.”
I hit her with a passive shrug. “It’s not impossible. It’s not a guarantee either.”
Everybody wanted to be that one. The one to make me fall and start doing shit and feeling things that I’d never done or felt before. Again, I’d never say it was impossible, but I wasn’t holding my breath waiting for it to happen.
“How long have you been single?”
“Forever. I’ve never been in a relationship.”
Xena’s jaw slacked. “Never? Like not even in high school?”
“Never.”
“Oh wow. You really are a tough one to crack.”
“That’s what I’ve been told.”
“Here I was thinking you must have had a bad experience. Like maybe someone broke your heart, and you haven’t healed. You just won’t give a woman a chance.”
“I think you misinterpreted what I said. I’ve dated plenty.
I’ve also had plenty of sex. I never developed feelings for a woman and ran from it.
I never refused to fall. I simply haven’t.
And I’ve met some dope women over the years.
Maybe even deeply liked a few. But liked them enough to be with just them or to marry them?
Nah. Just hasn’t happened, and I’m not forcing shit. ”
“You just haven’t met the right woman.”
“I’ve heard that plenty.”
The confidence that some women possessed was admirable.
Rather than acknowledging a pattern and reasoning that our situation probably wouldn’t end differently than me and the ones before them, they always strived to be the one.
The one that broke me down and made me fall.
Trying to be that one always ended up leaving them with a broken heart.
Shit, I was down for the ride. A nigga was starting to think he was broken.
For as much as Ryder cheated, a person would think his ass only loved himself.
But as each day passed and Tesha was still gone, my homie got sadder and sadder.
Now that he was single, he could be wilding out.
Instead, he sat in the crib every day sulking wanting his girl back.
I didn’t know what it felt like to have that kind of connection with a person.
Maybe it was a dope feeling. Maybe I was missing out.
But again, I wasn’t forcing shit. If it didn’t happen organically, it wouldn’t happen.
I didn’t need a fairytale. I also didn’t want an oops baby.
I wanted my child’s mother to be carefully chosen.
I’d be damned if I waited almost thirty years to have a kid, and the mother be a hood rat that only fed my kid pickles and hot Cheetos.
I wanted my child to have a mother that wanted to be a good mother more than she wanted to chase dick.
The extra over the top kind that made every milestone a photoshoot worthy occasion.
The kind that would never put a man before the child.
Shit, when I actually found her, I just might fall in love with her because to me, nothing was sexier than a good mother. I refused to even stick dick to a deadbeat mom. When the check came, I removed my wallet from my pocket, and Xena’s perfectly waxed brow hiked.
“I asked you out on a date.”
“I’m aware of that. I’m just not the type to let a woman pay for a date. It’s nice that you would, however.”
A blind man could see that Xena was attracted to me, but the lust that danced in her eyes after my comment made me chuckle slightly.
Shorty looked like she was ready to take me down at the table.
After placing my card inside the folder, I glanced down at my watch.
It was a little after eight. Still early.
“You trying to go have a drink somewhere, or are you good?”
“I have a fully stocked bar at my house. We can drink there.”
“That’s what it is then.”
The next evening, I sat in Ryder’s mancave with my left leg bouncing anxiously. I was clenching my teeth together so hard my jaw started to ache. “This shit has always been a headache but got damn,” I shook my head. “The older I get the less patience I have for this shit.”
One of my runners had gotten into an argument with a nigga over a female, and he shot the dude.
He didn’t get around the corner before he was caught, and the idiot had $1,800 that belonged to me in his pocket.
I was far from broke. I could put $1,800 in a drawer and forget that it was even there.
However, I wasn’t so rich that I welcomed those kinds of losses.
When a person owed me money, I didn’t even want them being a dollar short let alone a thousand or more short.
“Told you policing these cats is harder than raising kids,” I continued to grumble.
“So, it’s not just me,” Ryder chuckled his eyes low and red.
He was clutching a glass of whiskey in his hand.
“The other day, a fiend ran over Tyrin’s foot, and he was at the trap crying like a baby.
Had to go get him and drop him off at the ER.
Next day, he beat the fiend so bad buddy’s jaw is wired shut. It’s always something.”
“And all these antics are about to start bringing unnecessary heat,” I frowned.
“I’m about to shut this trap house shit down and only start selling weight.
I give myself a year selling weight, and then I’m out.
Even if I never sold another house, I have enough money saved to last me until retirement.
I also have enough agents that getting a share of their commissions pays all my bills and then some. I don’t need the aggravation.”
“I feel you, man. We’re getting older. And the older I get, the less I want to risk doing time. The money is excellent, but all this shit is going to do is sit, be taken by the police, or be spent by someone else if we get knocked.”
“I see you finally got your head back in the game.” Ryder’s sulking had gone from comical to annoying. I knew he missed Tesha, but the long face, sad eyes, and quick temper were starting to annoy me because he could have avoided it all by keeping his dick in his pants.
Ryder didn’t give a verbal response. He simply flicked me off making me chuckle.
“She came while I was gone and got the rest of her stuff. Didn’t leave a toothbrush behind or anything.”
I didn’t know what to say, so I didn’t say anything.
“It’s all good though. I messed up, so I gotta eat that. Bet you my black ass will be single for the next ten years. Relationships can be beneficial, but maybe I’m better off just doing me and not having anyone expecting too much out of me.”
“I think that’s the safest bet my boy.”
“Or maybe I’ll just cuff a chick that wants to be put up and doesn’t have her own motion. That way when she wants to leave, she can’t because she won’t have anywhere to go.”
I stood up. “I’m out. I’m not listening to this dumb shit. You be easy, idiot,” I extended my fist for him to bump as he chuckled.
The sad thing was, I knew men that actually thought that way.
And people thought I was weird to want the kid and not the relationship.
I knew without a doubt I would be a good parent.
As a child got older, I knew parenting could have challenges.
Those were challenges I didn’t mind facing.
Infidelity, arguing, everything that went into a relationship was what I was uncertain of.
There was still a slight chance that someone would come along and make me change my mind, but I wasn’t holding my breath.
I was always a man determined to get what I wanted.
Sex with Xena had been pretty good but at the moment, she wasn’t on my list of candidates for a baby mama.
She let it be known too many times in too many ways that she would want more than just being the mother of my child.
Maybe simply finding a woman to give me a child wasn’t going to be as easy as I had initially thought it would be.