Chapter 14
HANNAH
P-2,
Well, even if you never learn how to cook anything else, as long as you keep making these, I’d say that you’ve secured a spot in my bunker in the event of a zombie apocalypse. Glad too that you agree with my advice about speaking your mind. The real challenge, of course, is learning how to communicate without losing your composure.
Have you ever been in an argument or a debate with someone and you’ve just made a really good point and the person you’re arguing with also realizes that it’s a good point and they lose their temper? That sucks, doesn’t it? The moment that happens, the argument or the debate shuts down – and that’s never a good thing. It’s healthy for people to have different ideas and experiences and not be afraid to share them.
Obviously, if you’re dealing with a total idiot (and I’ve dealt with my fair share of them), there’s no point in trying. Other than that, when you keep your composure, you’ll find that you can have a worthwhile conversation and even learn something. Course, all that completely flies out the window when it comes to family members …
Smiling a little as she read Ed’s latest note, Hannah listened to her client’s phone ring out and was readying to leave yet another voicemail when she heard the voice pick up.
‘Yeah?’
Nice .
‘Ward? Hi, it’s Hannah,’ she greeted pleasantly. ‘How are you?’
There was a pause and when he replied, it sounded as if she’d disturbed him.
‘Been better, I guess. Please don’t tell me that you’ve arranged another cheesy photo op because we both know that the last one didn’t work out so well.’
‘No, nothing like that. But I was thinking about what you said before, about trying to make you into something you’re not. And you’re right.’
‘OK …’ He seemed taken aback and more than a little wary.
‘So I think it’s important that you and I get to know one another better, maybe brainstorm a bit on what you’re comfortable with sharing that might help turn your image around?’
There was a pause and when he spoke, this time there was an underlying tension in his voice.
‘You know, that’s kind of funny when you think about it. All this going around and talking about “my image”. You know how that makes me feel? Like it’s just an illusion, like it’s not real. The problem is that everyone else thinks it’s real – and after a while, it’s easier to just go along with the image you’ve been assigned rather than being the person you really are.’
Taking a deep breath, Hannah held the handset away from her mouth, trying to keep her composure. Surprisingly deep for a jock though.
‘Like I said, I’m not trying to project anything false. I just want to—’
He cut her off. ‘What you want is to make it seem like I’m a better person than I am, so you can get paid. I get it. So when do you want to do the brainstorming thing?’
She wanted to protest further but decided it was just easier to move things along.
‘I was thinking that if the timing works maybe I could pop over to your place later and get a better sense of—’
‘The park,’ he stated abruptly. ‘Seventh Avenue entrance. This afternoon is good.’
‘Well, I was actually hoping that maybe seeing you in a more relaxed environment at home—’
‘I’m at home on the ice. And that’s out of the question at the moment,’ he added bitterly. ‘Sorry, but I value my privacy and I don’t like anyone in my personal space. What I do like is the park.’
Hannah exhaled. ‘Fine. The park.’
Ward hung up and immediately felt bad. He knew he’d been a little rough on Hannah just now, and even though he was in serious pain and even more irritable after talking to his mother, that was no excuse. She was just doing her job in trying to make it seem like he was a decent human being.
The problem was that he wasn’t a decent human being. If he was, he wouldn’t always wind up alone, no matter how hard he tried.
One of his therapists (of which there had been too many) told him that he had avoidant attachment issues – which meant he wanted someone to share his life with but when he had had someone like that, he’d tended to push them away.
‘OK, so if I want to share my life with someone and I find someone that I can spend my life with, why would I push them away?’
‘You push them away because it’s what you’re used to. Although it’s painful to break away, it’s even more painful to navigate a relationship where you haven’t been abandoned.’
Ward wasn’t so sure about that, but it was as good an explanation as any for why there was this huge, gaping hole in his life. Even as a kid growing up he’d always felt like an outsider, like he didn’t quite fit. And as he got older, the world began to feel even more off-kilter – kinda like everyone else in the game was able to play it without thinking, yet nobody had given him the rules. The only place he’d ever felt truly at ease, all the parts working easily and in synch, was on the ice.
For the most part, people and how they behaved remained a mystery to him.
When Melanie had come along, he’d begun to think that his luck might be turning. The two of them had seemed like a great match – both able to focus on their respective careers and still have time for each other. If she’d given them a chance, he was certain he could have made things work. She hadn’t given him a chance, though.
Maybe it was time to face some cold, hard facts, like his mother said. He was fine in the short term obviously, but if it went further than that, it seemed as if he was destined to be alone.
Too late, Ward realized that he shouldn’t have answered the phone or started thinking about Melanie. He was already in physical pain and now he could add emotional pain to the mix – and that was dangerous.
He needed to take the edge off but he’d sworn to Johnny (and Shelley) that he’d stay off the pain meds. There was no way he’d go back on a promise to his friend.
But while Ward had promised that drugs were off the table, there was nothing to say he couldn’t fall back on a little something else.