Only Rakes Need Apply (Rakes of London #1)

Chapter 1

Lady Carenza Smythe-Harding put down her teacup and sighed. “There is one thing I miss about being married.”

Her sister, Allegra, looked up from her embroidery. She sat close to the large window overlooking Tavistock Square to take advantage of the light. “Having someone to reach those high shelves for you and murder the occasional spider?”

“Those things are very useful,” Carenza acknowledged. “But I was thinking about something rather more … intimate.”

There was a snort from the other side of the fireplace, where their friend Olivia Sheraton sat, her slippers propped up on the fender in a very unladylike manner. “Like what exactly?”

“The … marriage act.”

“You miss Hector’s cock?”

“Olivia!” Allegra exclaimed. “How … crude!”

Olivia raised an eyebrow. “You know how long it takes Carenza to get to the point. I just thought I’d move the conversation along at a more interesting pace.

” She took off her spectacles. “I can imagine that lacking an effective male member after being in an intimate relationship might be difficult.”

“And, for all his faults, Hector was very good at it,” Carenza admitted.

“He was a terrible womanizer, sister. He learned all those skills at your expense!” Allegra frowned. “You’re lucky he didn’t give you the pox!”

Olivia nodded. “She’s right about that, but if he gave you pleasure in your marriage bed, you were lucky.” She shuddered slightly. “I can’t say I enjoyed a second of Albert’s attentions. Not that he was able to perform very often, being so elderly and infirm.”

Allegra raised her hand. “Have you both forgotten I am a spinster? This is not a topic of conversation I am qualified to participate in.”

“Then perhaps you should listen carefully,” Olivia said. “It will help you not to make the same mistakes we did.”

“I don’t consider Hector a ‘mistake,’” Carenza objected. “I was delighted to marry him.”

“Because he charmed you and your parents into believing he was a gentleman of honor, when, in fact, he was a horse-mad, gambling man whore.” Olivia had always been a plain speaker.

“Who shot himself in the head when his gambling debts outweighed what was left of his fortune, leaving you reliant on your father to give you a home.”

“Yes,” Carenza said. “Thank you for reminding me.”

“I’m sorry.” Olivia made a face. “I’ve done it again, haven’t I? Been too blunt. No wonder no gentleman wants to marry me.”

“Even with your substantial fortune,” Allegra said helpfully.

Silence fell as Carenza poured them all more tea.

She was currently living in her father’s town house in London.

He much preferred his estate in Norfolk and rarely came to the city.

He’d been happy to let his younger daughter, Allegra, reside in the town house with Carenza as chaperone, claiming it kept the staff on their toes and the place less likely to be robbed.

Olivia was the first to start speaking again. “My experience of being a widow has been that many well-meaning gentlemen have offered to ‘console’ me. Has that not happened to you?”

“Married gentlemen, yes.” Carenza sighed. “I had to pour a glass of red wine down Lord Stratford’s coat last week to make him understand that I was not interested, and his wife is a friend of mine.” She frowned. “I just want a man in my bed.”

“You have staff,” Olivia pointed out.

“And I live in my father’s house, where most of the staff have known me since I was a child. I can hardly jump into bed with any of them.”

“They’d probably tell Father, too,” Allegra added. “He’d be extremely annoyed if he had to fire any of his old retainers.”

Carenza fought a smile. “He’d probably care more about that than about what I was up to.”

“What you need is the kind of man Hector was, but without the entanglement of being his wife,” Olivia said thoughtfully.

“A rake, in fact. He will need to be discreet, free of disease, not demand payment—because then you would be veering into paid-companion territory—and not be after your name, notoriety, and, most important, your money.”

Carenza nodded. “Yes, and he can’t be married, engaged, or publicly courting another woman. He must be content with a few hours of my time at my convenience and nothing else.”

“A few hours?” Allegra frowned. “I thought a physical union took only seconds.”

“Maybe if you are a stallion or a pig,” Olivia said. “But humans can do far better than that.” She winked at Carenza. “One good thing is that Hector set your standards very high.”

The door into the drawing room opened to admit Maude Cooper, the fourth member of their enduring circle of friends and Hector’s sister. She took off her bonnet, revealing hair the same auburn color as her deceased brother’s, and sparkling blue eyes.

“Hector had high standards? For what exactly?” She set down her bonnet and gloves on the sideboard and helped herself to tea. “Why have you all suddenly gone quiet? Were you talking about me?”

“We were talking about being widowed—something that has not happened to you,” Carenza said.

“I might as well be widowed,” Maude said as she sat down. “It feels as if Gerald will never come back from France. The war ended years ago, but apparently he still needs to be there to soothe foreigners’ brows and reassure them that such a man as Napoleon will never terrorize France again.”

“Napoleon wasn’t a monster,” Olivia objected. “He initiated some excellent policies in his day.”

“Before he proclaimed himself emperor and crowned himself at his coronation?” Maude asked. “He ended up being just as awful as the previous monarchy.”

“That is somewhat debatable,” Allegra submitted. “The Bourbon dynasty were far worse. In fact—”

“Be that as it may.” Carenza hastened to intervene before the discussion turned into an argument. “We were discussing the limitations of being a widow.”

“Carenza is missing her husband’s intimate attentions,” Olivia said.

Maude made a face. “Ew.”

“We were discussing ways she could find someone to replace him in a somewhat more limited fashion,” Olivia explained.

“It’s a shame we aren’t in France,” Maude said. “The French are very accommodating about such matters and consider lovers an important addition to any long-term liaison. When I resided there, I was propositioned quite openly, often in Gerald’s presence.”

“We’re in London. There have to be some gentlemen to fit the bill.” Allegra rose and went across to the desk. “Shall we make a list?”

“And do what with it?” Carenza inquired. “Pin it to the door and wait for them to come knocking?”

“That probably wouldn’t be a good idea.” Allegra frowned. “Is there anyone we could ask? Papa, maybe. Or Dorian?”

All the Musgrove children had been blessed with interesting names by their somewhat eccentric parents.

“I don’t think our father or oldest brother would wish to be party to such a thing.” Carenza shuddered. “If I did involve them, Papa will assume I want to be married again, and that is far from the truth.”

“I suspect it will take you years to get over Hector’s unfortunate death,” Maude said. “And you are only a year out of half mourning.”

“Papa has been asking about both of us marrying,” Allegra said apologetically. “He said that two years is quite long enough to mourn such a noddlecock.”

“Allegra!” Carenza shook her head.

Maude started to chuckle. “It’s all right, Carenza. I loved my brother very much, but he wasn’t the most reliable of men. He’s been dead for over two years, and you deserve to have some fun.”

Allegra held up her pen. “How about putting an advertisement in the newspaper? We could do that anonymously and have the newspaper’s office collect the replies.”

“That’s not a bad idea,” Olivia said. “Write this down, Allegra. ‘Titled lady seeks experienced, unmarried rake for afternoon dalliance. Please reply to this advertisement with precise measurements including height, age, length and girth of male member, and current financial statements. Interviews will be conducted before the end of the month.’”

“I was only teasing.” Allegra set down her pen. “I cannot write such an invitation to licentiousness.”

“Then pass the paper to me.” Olivia held out her hand. “I’ll wager we’ll get plenty of applicants to interview if we word it like that.” She glanced over at Carenza. “I’ll even pay for the damned advertisement and help you make the final decision.”

“How kind of you,” Carenza said.

“You aren’t really thinking of doing this, are you, sister?” Allegra asked, her expression concerned. “Father would not be happy with you at all.”

“He won’t know anything about it unless you tell him,” Carenza said. “And I’m sure you wouldn’t do that. Neither of us want to be dragged back to Musgrove Hall in deepest Norfolk, do we?”

Allegra looked thoughtful. “I’d prefer to stay in London, but if I don’t tell him, I would prefer to be kept in ignorance of the entire proceedings.”

“I promise I won’t say a word about it,” Carenza assured her. “In truth, I doubt we’ll get any replies at all.”

Olivia walked over to the desk, dipped her pen in the inkwell, and started writing. “I’ll get my maid, and we’ll walk around to the newspaper offices on the Strand. I’ll send her in with the advertisement and the money, and make sure that no one recognizes me at all.”

Struck by a sudden qualm, Carenza addressed her friend. “There is no need for such haste. Perhaps I ought to consider the matter before I come to a decision.”

“It takes you an hour to pick which gown to wear every single day,” Olivia objected.

“And that was when you were wearing unrelieved black. If I wait for you to make up your mind, we’ll both be another year older, and you’ll be turning into one of those bitter dried-up widows we used to laugh at when we were debutantes. ”

“That’s rather harsh,” Carenza tried to protest. She looked over at Maude, who was listening with a smile on her face. “What do you think I should do?”