Chapter 18 #2
“I don’t.” Carenza finished the short note, signed it, and got up to ring the bell. “Do you wish to be here when Aragon visits? I’ve asked him to come around tomorrow afternoon.”
“I don’t wish to be there at all,” Allegra declared, her nose in the air as she got to her feet.
“Then I will make sure that you are not.”
Allegra opened the door and then turned to look at Carenza. “You asked why I don’t trust Olivia, but I’m not sure you’d wish to hear the truth.”
“It’s most unlike you to keep anything to yourself, sister,” Carenza responded. “If there is something you wish to say, please say it.”
Allegra took a deep breath. “I’m fairly certain she was Hector’s mistress.”
“Haven’t we had this discussion before? She is a terrible flirt, Hector was even worse, and they were often together in my company.”
“I saw them together at a house party,” Allegra said in something of a rush. “My bedchamber was next door to Hector’s, and I recognized Olivia’s voice in his room.”
“And where was I when this was supposedly going on?”
Allegra met her gaze. “You were … unwell. It was just before you lost the baby.”
Carenza felt the words like a low blow to her stomach and gripped the back of the chair so hard her fingers hurt.
Allegra frowned. “Now I wish I hadn’t told you. You look as if you’re going to swoon.”
“I’ll be … all right.” Carenza reminded herself to breathe as Allegra’s obvious concern washed over her. “As I said, it was all a long time ago.”
“I’m sorry,” Allegra whispered. “I shouldn’t have said anything.”
Carenza turned away and concentrated on folding her letter into a neat square even though her hands were shaking.
“Carenza …”
“I can’t talk about this right now.” Carenza was surprised at how calm her voice was.
“All right.” There was a pause in which Carenza devoutly hoped her sister had gone, but there was no such luck. “Can I do anything to help?”
“No, thank you.”
Allegra finally left, and Carenza sealed her note and wrote Aragon’s address on the front in an uneven hand quite unlike her usual script.
The butler appeared, and she handed him the note. “Please wait for a reply.”
“Yes, my lady.” He bowed. “Mr. Laurent has called and is asking if he might speak to you.”
Julian …
She couldn’t allow him to see her like this. She was his mistress, and such women were not supposed to bring their everyday heartbreaks and cares into the bedroom with them. If she saw him, the desire to throw herself at his chest and cry might overcome her usual calm regard.
She took a deep breath. “Please tell Mr. Laurent that I am not at home. I have a headache and I intend to retire to bed.”
After hearing Carenza wasn’t receiving visitors, Julian turned toward the door to leave. He paused when he heard someone calling his name.
“Mr. Laurent, wait.”
Lady Allegra came down the stairs and hurried toward him. “Are you here to see Carenza?”
“That was my intention, but your butler told me she is not receiving visitors.”
“Come with me.” She took his hand and led him up the stairs.
“Are you quite sure that I shouldn’t accept her decision, and—”
Lady Allegra shushed him as they approached the drawing room door. “She needs you.”
Julian went still. “What has happened?”
“I upset her by talking about Hector and Olivia.” She met his concerned stare. “I know that they were lovers.”
Inwardly, Julian winced. He’d known, too, but it wasn’t something he’d ever wished Carenza to know. He said, “One might ask why you felt it necessary to share that information at this late a date.”
“Because Carenza keeps sticking up for Olivia! Please go and speak to her. I’ll keep everyone away.” Lady Allegra walked away from him.
Julian tapped lightly on the door and went in. Carenza sat at her writing desk with her back to him. She didn’t turn around, so he approached her. Something about the stiffness of her posture made him realize she was crying.
“My dear girl.”
Her breathing hitched and she hurriedly searched in her pocket for a handkerchief. “Julian, you startled me. I thought I told the butler not to let you in. I have a terrible headache.”
He handed her his own immaculately laundered handkerchief and pulled up a chair to sit beside her.
“Your sister told me that you were upset and that you needed me.”
“Allegra is so like our father. She tells her ‘truth’ and then runs away, leaving someone else to pick up the pieces.”
“She acknowledged that she’d been the one to upset you,” Julian said carefully.
Carenza slowly turned to look at him. “I suppose you knew as well.”
He didn’t pretend not to know what she was talking about—she deserved his honesty. “Yes.”
“Why didn’t you mention it?”
He held her gaze. “Because I knew it would hurt you. It was one of the reasons why Hector and I were on such bad terms before he died.”
“Allegra said she had the misfortune to be in the room next to Hector’s at a house party and she heard him with Olivia.”
“I’m sorry, Carenza.”
“It’s hardly your fault, is it?” She tried to smile as she brushed at the tears on her cheeks. “This is why I told the butler to deny you entry. You agreed to be my lover, not my confidant.”
“I am quite capable of being both.”
“Once, I would’ve agreed with you, but Hector encouraged me to pour my heart out to him, only to use my own feelings against me when he fell out of love with me.”
“Hector was incapable of loving anyone but himself.”
“I realized that eventually, but it took me far too long.” She paused. “I was glad when he died. It felt like a blessed release.”
“No one could blame you for feeling like that.”
“I suspect most people would,” Carenza said. “When I said my vows to him, I meant every word.”
“Yes, but I doubt he ever kept a promise in his life.”
Carenza got up and walked over to the window, and Julian followed her. He tentatively put his hand on her shoulder.
“If you knew how Hector was, then why did Allegra’s revelation upset you so badly?”
“Firstly, because Olivia hasn’t been truthful with me, and secondly …” She hesitated. “Because she inadvertently reminded me of the darkest point in my marriage.”
“Tell me.”
She half turned toward him, her expression grave. “I’m not sure if—”
“Tell me.”
She met his gaze. “Looking back, I don’t think Hector wanted me to go to that particular house party, probably because he’d made some arrangements with Olivia.
I was determined to go, and, in my usual stupid fashion, I was following him around the house while he tried to leave, attempting to argue with him.
He lost his temper and slapped my face.” She paused.
“Unfortunately, we were at the top of the stairs. I lost my balance and fell all the way down to the front hall. The last thing I remember is him stepping over me to get to his carriage.”
“He didn’t even stop to see if you were all right?” Julian asked, even though he was fairly sure of the answer.
“He shouted at me that it was my own damn fault and that I shouldn’t be so clumsy,” Carenza said. “In fact, he aimed a kick at my ribs as he went by.”
“The absolute bastard,” Julian said.
“I think I must have fainted because the next thing I knew I was surrounded by the servants and someone was shouting about fetching the doctor. I tried to sit up, but there was a lot of blood.”
Julian waited, but she seemed to be struggling to go on. “Blood from where you hit your head?” he asked.
“Unfortunately not.” She met his gaze. “I was pregnant, and later that night, I lost my child. Hector couldn’t even be bothered to come back to see if either of us lived or died.”
Julian stared at her so intently that her features began to blur. It took all his concentration to keep the rage he felt on her behalf inside him.
“If I’d known that at the time, I would’ve beaten him to death.”
“Which is exactly why I didn’t tell anyone.
” Carenza sounded far calmer than he felt.
“Can you imagine what my father would’ve done if he heard how Hector had treated me?
I couldn’t heap more scandal on his head.
Hector, of course, insisted that it was all my fault, that I was too weak to bear his children, and that his dalliances outside our marriage were justified.
It took me several weeks to recover from the loss of blood, and my grief often overwhelmed me, which is why I chose to remain in the country that year. ”
Julian stared at her until she offered him a small smile.
“That’s why I know I can’t have children. There was too much damage done. At least you can be assured of that.”
“Do you really think that is what I’m concerned with?” Julian demanded. “That all I care about is how this matter relates to me?”
She raised her chin, tears shining in her eyes. “If you’re going to shout, will you please leave? I really cannot deal with your anger today.”
He cursed as he yanked her into his arms and held her as tightly as he could.
After a moment, she relaxed against his chest, her palm flat over his fast-beating heart.
He kissed the top of her head and rocked her back and forth like the child she had lost. He could no longer deny that he cared for her.
The least he could do was hold her while she grieved for what had been so cruelly taken away from her.
After a while, she raised her head and looked up at him. “Thank you.”
“For what? Allowing you to soak my new waistcoat in tears? Proctor will never forgive me.”
She cupped his cheek. “Send him my apologies.”
“As I have no intention of sharing what happened between us with anyone, I’ll only make apologies for myself.” He studied her beautiful face. “Did he hit you often?”
She went still. “It hardly matters now.”
“Then he did.” Julian set his jaw. “I’m actually disappointed he’s already dead, because I can’t kill him myself.”
“He’s not worth it, Julian,” Carenza said softly. “We both know that.”
“You are a far better person than I will ever be, my dear, because I disagree. I was supposed to be his best friend, but I made very little attempt to curb his excesses until it was too late.”
He wanted to say more, but their current conversation was not meant to be about him but about what Hector had done to Carenza.
“You should go,” Carenza said.
He wanted to suggest he take her to bed, but he already knew she wouldn’t countenance such behavior in her father’s house.
“You could come with me?” he suggested. “My bed is very comfortable.”
“I know it is.” She smiled. “Don’t tempt me when I have things to do.”
“Are they as important as spending the afternoon with me?”
She visibly sought for her composure. “Unfortunately, on this occasion, yes. We’ve decided to organize a ball to show our support for the Cartwrights and Mrs. Mountjoy.”
“We?”
“Olivia, Allegra, and myself.”
Julian frowned. “What brought this on?”
She didn’t react to his change of tone. “Percival is now suggesting that the Cartwrights exist solely to deal with all your bastard offspring.”
“The devil they do.” Julian set his jaw. “I’m of a mind to seek out Percival and make this matter very personal indeed.”
“Please don’t do that.” Carenza touched his arm. “Will you simply allow us to help you for once?”
He hated the very idea. “If I must.”
“Then good.” She nodded. “Hold your fire and let us deal with Percival Walcott. I can assure you that we don’t want him to get away with anything.”