Chapter 21
TWENTY-ONE
EVERLY
“Why are we running again?” I puff out short breaths as we jog down one of the endless dirt roads.
“Because it’s August, classes start soon, and we need to get back in shape,” Alex yells as she slaps my butt.
First of all, I have never been, nor will I ever be, a runner.
Second, Alex has run every day we’ve been here, so her reasons for dragging me out here the minute I got home from Hux’s are complete BS.
I have to admit that even though my lungs are burning and my legs feel like they are about to seize up, I’m not hating it.
I’ve been so wound up the last few weeks since I met Hux Anderson that keeping pace with Alex, although painful, feels therapeutic.
I tiptoed into the kitchen to grab myself a glass of water and almost fainted when I found her sitting at the table eating a bowl of cereal amongst the mess of last night’s party.
The house is completely wrecked, but she suggested a quick “jog” before we spend most of the day picking up Solo cups and scrubbing mysterious stains out of the couch .
Alex makes it a whole half a mile before speaking. “So… are you finally going to tell me what happened last night?” I know she’s been dying to hear the details since the moment I tried to hide doing the walk of shame.
I slow my pace down to a walk, stretching my arms out in front of me and crossing one over the other elbow. There is no way I’ll be able to keep her pace while I try to put last night, and specifically this morning, into words.
“What do you think happened?” I can’t stop the bashful smile as it spreads across my face.
“I knew it! Finally!” She throws her hands up to the sky. “I swear the tension between the two of you was going to start a forest fire.”
Just thinking about this morning sends a spark of electricity through my body.
“And…”
“And what?”
“Oh my God, stop torturing me! How was it? How big was it? I’m starving over here,” she says while playfully shoving me.
We stop at a small pond on the side of the road.
It’s known as a good place to spot a moose, but as I scan the shallow water, it’s just us and the water bugs.
My cheeks flush even more. “I mean, it was amazing. He was amazing. I thought I would be so much more nervous and insecure, but there is something about being with Hux, just him and I, that makes me feel so comfortable, even out in the open on a dock.”
“Unbelievable! You mean to tell me you, Everly Burke, had hot, passionate sex with Hux Anderson on a dock? I’m getting turned on just envisioning this!”
“Shh! Let’s not announce it to the world, please! Also, stop envisioning it. Like now. Stop.”
“You’re worried about Mr. Moses the Moose overhearing and telling all his friends?
Look around, Evie Baby, there is no one out here.
You’re the one getting freaky on a floating stage in the middle of Aurora Lake!
Can you imagine if Norma’s husband, John, had seen or Big Earl?
Silsby Memorial Hospital would have been busy, that’s for sure.
” Alex is now in a complete fit of giggles, imagining all the senior citizens I could have harmed with my erotic morning antics.
Bumping her shoulder with mine, my tone becomes serious as the doubt creeps in.
“I don’t know, Alex. My only other experience having sex was with Austin, and look how badly that turned out.
I still equate sex to true feelings, and we know those two things are most definitely not mutually exclusive. ”
I run my hands down my sweaty face. Reality is starting to overshadow the bliss of this morning. What if Hux didn’t even really enjoy it? We might have been on a dock, but I hardly doubt Hux would consider that very daring.
“Just because Austin was a moron who only thought with his dick, a dick he didn’t know how to use properly, I might add, doesn’t mean that Hux doesn’t have feelings for you.”
“Come on, Alex, he’s made it very clear he doesn’t do relationships.
I gave him the one thing he does do, and who is to say he’s not off getting it somewhere else as we speak?
How pathetic am I to keep thinking this is some romance movie where I am going to be the woman to win him over. The woman who can fix him.”
It feels like Alex and I have been repeating this same narrative for the last few weeks. My brain knows the chances of a happy outcome are slim to none. Logistically, none of this makes sense, yet my heart keeps hammering forward like I’m stuck aboard a love-sick freight train.
As if she heard me internally drop the L word, Alex asks, “Are you in love with him?”
I give her a pointed look, but at the same time, I can feel a bit of sadness and disappointment in myself. I look down at my dust-covered running sneakers.
“It’s okay if you are, Ev. Love is worth fighting for, no matter how many times you win or lose,” she whispers.
“How though? How do I fight for this? I go back to school in less than a month, and he is staying here. There’s a whole lot of baggage when it comes to his brother and this girl, both topics he refuses to open up to me about.
My mind keeps wandering back to this person that Hux may have cared for, that this tragedy might be the reason why he can never love me as he did her.
“On top of that, I don’t know how he feels about me. His actions over the last month and a half, as well as his relationships with girls like Ashlee, would make me think I am no more than another undercurrent in this town he gets stuck in for a moment or two.”
“Enough with all this negative self-talk. You talk as if there is no way someone could see you as special, that you aren’t worth fighting for.
I have watched you your whole life trying to be perfect, hyper-focusing on anything and everything you’ve wanted, and now you’re going to choose to back off?
Let what you might have with Hux go because you’re unsure?
” Her intensity doesn’t waver as she starts back in on me.
“Honestly, that’s bullshit. You are one of the kindest, most caring, deeply beautiful people I know. So, stop acting as if someone wouldn’t fall in love with you despite all the roadblocks they’ve put up.” She takes a deep breath, readying herself to continue the lecture I’m being handed.
“You have always been someone who has been determined to the point of it being borderline obnoxious, so why don’t you ask him how he’s feeling?
Ask him what this all is. Ask him about her, and when he gets all grumbly and tries to avoid it, don’t fucking let him.
You deserve some honest conversations from him, and as much as he acts like he doesn’t want to, I bet deep down he wants to let you in. ”
Confrontation is something I have never been very good at.
I am scared, scared he will reconfirm what he’s said all along, that he doesn’t do relationships, and this is no more than a summer hookup for him.
But on the other hand, I know Alex is right.
For the first time in over a year, I haven’t thought about Austin daily.
I haven’t secretly hoped he would text me out of the blue or show any interest in reconnecting with me.
It’s been incredible to feel wrapped up in someone else and to come alive whenever I am in the same airspace as Hux, but that brings fear too.
“I have another issue as well…” I sigh, kicking up some dirt.
“Let me guess, it rhymes with Smick?” Alex laughs.
“It’s not funny! I really have enjoyed spending time with him, and now, I feel like a jerk for leading him on.” The shame that I might be responsible for messing with someone else’s heart makes me cringe.
“Everly Burke, heartbreaker extraordinaire! What are we going to do with you?”
“Ugh!” I throw my hands up and start jogging back toward the house, leaving Alex laughing behind me.
We have a ton of cleaning to do, and I desperately want to escape this conversation and the mess I have made for myself.
Maybe cleaning up literal trash will help me sort out all the chaos that is currently clouding my head.
Alex jogs up next to me, draping her arms around my shoulders from behind. She puts her mouth close to my ear as we try not to tangle our feet together. “I promise, Ev, it will be okay, and we will figure it all out. Just remember, it’s okay to go after what you want. You deserve it.”
Deep down, I know she’s right, but am I ready to fall on my face again?
I thought the house was a mess this morning, but that was an understatement—it’s a complete disaster.
So far, I have done five loads of laundry and used an entire bottle of bleach, trying to get the white couch covers pristine again.
It took us over two hours on our hands and knees to scrub every floor, and don’t even get me started on the bathrooms. I have cleaned some pretty gross cabins this summer, but this is next level.
What were people doing in these bathrooms?
Currently, we are out in the yard picking up cigarette butts and the burnt remnants of joints out of the grass and crushed stone around the firepit, as well as checking all the bushes for rogue beer cans and Solo cups.
Alex sits up on her knees, stretching her back out. “I am exhausted. Why did you let me think this was a good idea anyway?” She smirks at me.
I glare at her as I reach down to collect someone’s shirt from the hostas. “Please tell me this is the only party we are hosting? I only like to clean if I am getting paid for it.”
Alex laughs. “Cross my heart.” I add the hand gesture to prove it. “Plus, my dad comes home tomorrow, and he did mention not having much more travel until after we leave. I think he actually might want to spend some time with me.” Faking a surprised face.