12. Chapter 11
J esse flopped back onto his bed in his brother’s house and stared at the ceiling.
Julia had said he could stay longer, but she’d already cooked him breakfast and washed his clothes.
She was so efficient, even cleaning up along the way as she cooked, that he couldn’t offer much help besides rinsing the plates.
They’d sat on the couch after, her arm pressed along his, but he hadn’t wanted to move away.
Time passed so easily when he was with her, with only the beep of the dryer making him realize he’d probably overstayed his welcome.
He hadn’t meant to stay overnight either, but he’d slept better than he had in a long time, even on the not quite tall enough couch.
Being around Julia made him feel more settled than he’d been in a long time, like he fit in his own skin again.
Even when he woke up turned on by the way her body spooned his.
He usually hated getting an erection, and it freaked him out the night before, but her arm tightening around him had kept him relaxed for a few minutes. Even now, there was no tension tightening his muscles from remembering. Though he could be feeling relaxed for another reason altogether.
He couldn’t believe he’d lost control without even being touched. It had been Julia’s words combined with the way she’d looked. She’d orgasmed thinking about him touching her. The realization ripped something open inside him.
Would she really let him do that? For the first time in forever, he wanted to find out. Just the thought of her orgasming from his touch had made him come in his pants, completely soaking the material.
He was pathetic. Why in the world would Julia want to have sex with him?
“Oh, hey,” Charles said from the doorway to Jesse’s room. “You didn’t come home last night.”
Jesse hated the heat that flooded his cheeks, telling his brother exactly what he’d been up to last night, likely insinuating more than he’d managed to do. “Nothing happened!” he blurted out, cringing.
Charles laughed as he scratched his naked stomach. “I wasn’t asking.” He crossed the room, still dressed in his plaid sleep pants. Sunday was his day to sleep in. The bed dipped under his weight, and he patted Jesse’s arm, helping his sudden tension ease. “You went over to Julia’s, didn’t you?”
“Yeah.” Jesse swallowed, staring back at the ceiling.
Charles shifted, making the bed dip a bit more. “You know it’d be okay, right? If something happened?”
“What?” Jesse’s head turned. His brother’s eyes looked steady.
He had almost twenty years on Jesse. Just past forty, his stomach was a little softer, and his chest hair was thick, though the blond coloring kept it from being too obvious.
Jesse wondered if that would be what he’d look like in the future, though he’d always been thinner than Charles had been at his age.
Charles patted his arm again. “You’ve always liked Julia. As more than a friend.”
Jesse wanted to squirm. “Yeah,” he said again. He looked away. “I mean, my crush was pretty obvious.” Even Julia must have known, though she’d been kind enough never to tease him about it.
Charles snorted. “Yeah, everyone knew. I understood it. Julia has been there for you, and she’s always nice to you. Plus, she pays attention and thinks about others. She’s also confident and strong, though she’s more emotional than she lets on.”
Jesse pushed up on his elbows. “Wait. Do you like her?”
Charles’s eyes went wide, and then he laughed. “No, not like that. I admire her, but I watched her grow up, so I’ve never seen her that way.” His smile softened. “But for you, physically you’re into her, right?”
His cheeks heated. “Do we have to talk about this?”
Charles grinned and ruffled his hair. “God, you’re so shy! It’s not like I said you wanted to fuck her.”
“Charles!” Jesse buried his face in his hands.
“Oh, come on.” His brother nudged his shoulder with his own. “If you don’t talk to me about sex, who are you going to talk to? Mom?”
Jesse cringed. He knew his mother hadn’t been completely celibate since his dad died, but he preferred not to think about her having sex. Charles was the one he talked to about guy things anyway.
He sat up, taking a breath. “Jules is a lot more experienced than me.”
“Yeah.” Charles settled next to him. “I mean, she’s pretty open about her sexuality, even before the recent drama. Does that bother you?”
“No. She’s offered to coach me. As a one-time thing. Not romantic, a friends with benefits thing.” His stomach twisted saying it.
“And you’re okay with that?” Charles sounded skeptical. “You love her. Casual won’t hurt you?”
“That’s not what’s holding me back. I’d rather be with her than never be with her. If things were different, anyway.”
“You’re worried about the STI?” Charles asked. “You told her, right?”
“Yeah. It wouldn’t have been right not to.”
“And she still wants to?”
“How’d you know?”
Charles snorted. “We wouldn’t be having this conversation if she backed out. So what’s the problem?”
“It’s not right, is it? I mean, she says she’s okay with the risk, but if I were to infect her, I’d—” The words locked in his throat. He wouldn’t be okay. He’d probably hate himself forever.
Charles sat up straighter, his hands resting on his thighs. If he hadn’t been shirtless, he’d be in doctor mode. “You’re still taking the pills, right? The ones that minimize the outbreaks?”
He’d had a lot of outbreaks for a while, and the pills stopped that.
“Yeah. And she said she always uses condoms anyway.” He didn’t have any condoms, but he could buy some.
It wasn’t like he was going over there to have sex with her right now.
He hadn’t even managed to go through with it last night.
“As long as you’re not having an outbreak, those two things keep the risks very low,” Charles said gently. “I think you’re using the STI as an excuse.”
Jesse bit his lip. “I’m scared.” The words came out like a choked whisper. He really was pathetic.
Charles’s hand came up and began rubbing his back.
“If you’re not ready, that’s fine, too. You’ve never wanted to talk about what happened, but you can talk to me.
You know that, right? Or I can help you reach out to a counselor again.
” His hand paused, then resumed the calming rubs.
“You have to work through this on your own time frame. If now isn’t it, tell her. ”
Jesse nearly smiled. “You sound like Jules. She’s big on consent. She’s made it clear that every step is my choice.” The night before, she’d stopped with no hesitation and then lectured him about feeling guilty. It had just made him fall for her more.
“Then you’ve talked to her about this?”
“Yeah,” Jesse mumbled.
“That’s good. Honestly, she sounds great for you, whenever you’re ready. She doesn’t date seriously, so it’s likely you’ll still have a shot with her if you decide to wait.”
When Jesse considered not having sex with Julia, his chest squeezed painfully.
Charles’s hand continued to soothe him. “You’re overthinking everything. Besides you getting your heart broken, this whole thing is a lot less serious than you’re making it out to be.”
Jesse groaned, pushing off the bed to pace. “I know. Especially if I go off in like two seconds.”
Charles let out a startled bark of laughter. “It won’t be that bad. Besides, you’re young. I’m sure your refractory period is short.”
“What?” He spun to face him.
“Even if you come too quickly, you’ll likely get hard again.”
“That still means I’ll suck at it!” Jesse threw up his hands. “I really don’t get why she wants to have sex with me.”
Charles grinned at him. “You should ask her. Her answer will probably make you blush, and then she’ll jump your bones and all this worrying will be over.”
Jesse groaned. “You’re not helping.”
“Look, it’s true you won’t have any moves, but you have something I don’t think she’s experienced before.”
“Like what? Shooting my load in two seconds?”
Charles shook his head. “You love her.”
Jesse froze. His heart thumped hard in his chest.
“I could teach you a few things, but I don’t think you’ll need moves.
You love her, and because you do, you’ll want her to feel good.
Just don’t be selfish. Pay attention to what she likes and try to give her as much of that as you can.
” Charles rose, crossing to pat him on the shoulder.
“You’ll be fine, I promise. If you decide you really want to do this. ”
Jesse swallowed the lump in his throat, his chest still pounding. “I do,” he admitted.
“Good luck, then.” With another squeeze, Charles released him and moved toward the door. “I’ll be here if you need to cry about your broken heart after.”
Jesse turned to glare at him, but the glare quickly dropped. His brother wasn’t wrong. He didn’t want to think about what would come after yet. He wanted to focus on the next step and lock into his memory all the moments where he was allowed to be with the woman he loved.