22. Chapter 21
J esse finished getting dressed, taking a deep breath before tracking down Julia.
He found her in the kitchen, still barefoot, shaking a pill into her hand from the orange prescription bottle.
It reminded him that he hadn’t brought one of his antiviral pills to take.
That was probably good. It’d force him to go home instead of clinging to her.
Every part of him yearned to cuddle up with her again, but it would be the worst thing for him.
His skin still tingled all over from the way she’d touched him in the shower.
It hadn’t been sexual, not exactly, but he couldn’t remember ever being touched as much as she’d touched him.
Her face had been so relaxed doing it, too, and he’d felt all the tension leave his body.
He hadn’t realized how starved for affection he’d been until being around Julia again.
She’d always touched him, though. Not naked like that, and he shoved down the memory of the way she’d looked when he’d been buried inside of her.
The last thing she would want was him getting another erection, not after she’d already broken her one-time rule.
That the thought of getting an erection didn’t freak him out felt like progress.
“Do you have any coffee?” he asked, watching her hand freeze on the pill bottle while screwing on the white cap. She finished fastening it, reaching up to put it in the cabinet. Everything was in its place in Julia’s kitchen, though that didn’t surprise him. She liked things in order.
“Let me look. I might be able to scrounge up a pod or something,” she said, moving to the pantry.
Jesse wanted to kick himself. “That’s right. You’re caffeine free. When did you start that?”
Her head ducked into the pantry. “About a month ago. I was having a bad reaction to my medication, and the doctor mentioned caffeine could cause side effects while on it. Since I rarely drank coffee anyway, it was easy to cut it out.” She paused, straightening but continuing to stare into the pantry. “I take an antidepressant.”
Jesse grew still. “Is that new? More fallout from the stress at work?”
She shrugged. “I’ve always had bad days.
When my mom was sick, it was easy to blame that.
They got worse in college. Few people noticed.
I have high functioning depression. When there’s something I’m responsible for, it’s easy for me to push through the fog to get things done.
It’s the quiet times in between where it can get bad.
Or days where I think I got everything wrong.
” She glanced toward him. “The antidepressant helps. I don’t go so deep anymore and my bad days aren’t as often, but it doesn’t take them all away. ”
“I’m sorry. I had no idea.” Jesse swallowed, wishing he was close enough to hug her. “When you have your bad days, is there anything I can do to help?”
Some of the tension slipped out of her, and she fiddled with the pantry shelf. “Just be yourself. What you did the other night was perfect.”
Jesse’s eyes warmed, which was ridiculous. That he’d helped made him happy, so why did he feel like crying?
“I was pretty sure I had a few of those pods in here, but I can’t find them.” Julia kept searching.
He swallowed. “It’s okay if you don’t have any.”
She shifted a few things on the shelves before pulling back. “Yeah, it looks like I don’t. I should pick some up for you.”
Jesse’s pulse thrummed in his ears. He shouldn’t have liked that idea so much, but it made him think she was planning for him to sleep over again. Did that mean she wasn’t calling it quits? His throat felt too dry to ask her.
“I’m a horrible host.” She smiled through the words. “Oh well, I can make you breakfast and offer you a couple of types of juice if you want.”
He rubbed the back of his neck, still damp from his hair. His curls were going to poof when they dried, but he couldn’t find it in him to mind. Not after Julia had opened up to him and then hinted at wanting to be with him more. “You don’t have to go out of your way for me.”
Her hand found her hip. “Don’t do that. I like doing things for you, Jinx.”
Her nickname for him soothed the rising bubbles in his stomach. “Then sure. Can I help with anything?”
“Maybe the toast? No way am I giving you a knife to chop the vegetables.” She laughed as her hand landed on his chest and her curved lips met his in a quick kiss. She turned away after, like she hadn’t even noticed the gesture, already digging in the fridge for eggs and cheese and other fixings.
Jesse had noticed. His lips tingled and his heart rose into his throat while he watched her.
Being in the kitchen with her, moving around each other as she gave him small tasks to do, was almost as intimate as showering together had been. This was bad. Every part of him wanted to latch on to her and never let go.
Soon they were sitting at the table with omelets and toast. He could picture spending every weekend with her this way.
“Do you have any plans?” he asked. Maybe he could convince her to run him to Charles’s place for some clothes and his pill, and then he could come back. No, that was never going to happen.
“I’m babysitting for Rachel this afternoon. Well, her kids aren’t babies anymore, and Sammy—no, Sam—will act too big to have me there, but I’m spending time with my niece and nephew so my sister can go out.”
Jesse bit his tongue to stop himself from asking to join her. He didn’t want to come across as too needy and clingy.
“Have you babysat Phoebe’s kids since you’ve been back?” Julia asked. “I get the impression that she could use more downtime, but with the way things have been between us…” Julia’s fork hovered with a bite of omelet on it.
“Charles and I watched them last weekend. They’re cute, but also a lot.” He laughed, shaking his head. “I thought I’d be good with kids, but I got so flustered. Charles is much better with them.”
“Yeah, the baby stage was never my favorite with Rachel’s kids. I love being the cool aunt now that they’re older, though.” She let out a snort. “Well, maybe not cool to them, but you know what I mean.”
“I’m sure you are the cool aunt, Jules. They’re lucky to get to spend time with you.”
She made another scoffing sound, eating the bite.
Jesse even enjoyed watching her chew. He really needed to get a grip.
“Being an aunt is the closest I’ll get to kids. I can’t imagine ever being pregnant.” She shuddered as she stared down at her plate. “No, kids aren’t in the cards for me. You’ll be a good dad, though.” Her eyes lifted, and she smiled at him.
Jesse hated the words. “No. That’s not— I don’t think that’d work for me anymore.
” He’d have to have unprotected sex with someone to get them pregnant.
There was no way he’d take that risk with anyone he loved enough to want to try.
Besides, it’d always been Julia for him, and she’d never been shy about not wanting kids.
Her smile fell. “If you want kids, it’s not impossible, Jinx.”
The last bite of omelet settled heavily in his stomach. “Let’s not talk about this.”
“I’m not going to let you avoid it. You act like your life is over. It’s not!”
He knew that was true. The words sounded logical and right in his head, but his stomach twisted even more. “I’m not broken up about the possibility of not having kids or anything. It’s not like I ever really imagined it.”
“You’re so sweet, though. And kind.” Some of her tension eased. “But I’ll never be someone pushing the status quo on anyone. A spouse, a house, and two point five kids or whatever.” She waved her fork in the air. “No, thanks. I’m just surprised you feel that way, too.”
“Are you?” he asked. Their eyes met, and his cheeks grew hot as he held the stare.
Julia was the one to look away, clearing her throat. “I guess Phoebe has that side of things covered. How are things between you two? You never said the other night. You told her about, well, everything, right? Did she say something awful?”
“She…” Jesse’s temple throbbed. He hadn’t seen Phoebe since that Sunday morning, but that wasn’t unusual. “She’s just Phoebe. She doesn’t mean to put her foot in her mouth.”
“But she does, every time,” Julia finished with a sigh. She reached for her cranberry-pineapple juice, taking a sip. “She’s giving me the silent treatment. When I hung up after you showed up the other night, she got all offended.”
Jesse’s throat tightened at the unhappy frown on Julia’s face. “Sometimes I don’t get you two. You’re such opposites. You’re straightforward and trustworthy, someone who anyone would be lucky to be friends with, even me.”
Her lips lifted at the edges, but there was a wistfulness in her eyes. “Why do you say ‘even you’? You’re great, too, Jinx.”
His fingers tingled. He wanted to touch her.
Julia glanced at his empty plate. “I should give you a ride home. I doubt you want to hang out with a couple of preteens on your only full day off.”
Jesse wondered what expression she would make if he admitted he’d take any excuse to stay around her. She was right, though. He needed to go home, take his pill, and grab a cup of coffee so he could think straight. He helped with the dishes first.
When they went out to her car, he opened the driver’s side door for her. He kind of liked her driving him around. It let him look at her more, something he soaked in while she drove him home.
He was so screwed. His heart was still in his throat. Julia had touched him. She’d had sex with him again, and it wasn’t enough. He wanted more.
She’d beaten someone up for him. The way she’d looked the night before had made him want to hold on to her even tighter. “Can I ask you something?” he asked.
Her head shifted, studying him while she waited for the light to change. “Go ahead.”
“It’s about last night,” he admitted.
“You mean the bar thing? I didn’t mean to push you. You should date at your own pace.” She flashed a quick smile before facing forward again. “I still think any girl would be lucky to be with you, but if you’re not ready, that’s fine, too.”
“Yeah,” he agreed, though his problem was the opposite. It wasn’t that he wasn’t ready for something to happen; it was that he only wanted it to happen with her. He hated that his sister had been right to worry about him. “That’s not what I was going to ask about.”
Julia’s brow wrinkled as she pulled into the driveway of Charles’s house, putting the car in park.
“Is this about the girls who hurt you?” Her hands tightened on the steering wheel.
“I should have kicked both their asses. I hate that it was them. We weren’t friends or anything, but I talked to them whenever we shared classes, for years.
And the whole time, they’d—” She broke off, shaking her head.
He swallowed. “You’re so angry, Jules.”
“Of course I’m angry. They hurt you, Jinx. You .” She shook her head as her knuckles turned white. “No one deserves what they did, but especially not you. You’re… I don’t even know how to explain it. Special, I guess.” She smiled at him, taking his breath away.
He wanted those words to mean more than they did. Her eyes were so clear, so earnest.
His chest was too tight not to say the words he’d been holding in for so long. “I’m in love with you, Julia.”
Her smile froze. “Jinx…” Her special nickname for him sounded hollow for the first time. “That’s just the sex talking. I mean, I heard you blurt it out while we were—”
“Oh God!” Jesse pressed his hands to his face. “Did I really do that?” He didn’t remember saying the words at all.
“It’s okay. Sex, especially the intense kind we’ve been having, can make you feel that way, but—”
“It’s not just the sex. This isn’t a new thing.” His heartbeat sped up. “I really do love you, Julia. I always have.”
She blinked at him. “What?”
“Sorry.” He swallowed the lump in his throat. He was messing this all up. “I should have told you before. A part of me kind of thought you knew.”
She shook her head, staring at him. “I didn’t know. I mean, Phoebe used to say you had a crush on me, but I thought…” Her hands dropped into her lap. “I’m fucking this up. I’m not really sure what to say.”
He knew what he’d been hoping to hear. He blinked back the threatening tears, shaking his head. “You don’t have to say anything. Sorry to throw that at you suddenly.” He reached blindly for the door handle.
“Wait!” She grabbed his arm.
He waited, but nothing else followed. The extra flash of hope left him even shakier when it burned away.
He forced a smile. “We’ll always be friends, right, Jules?”
Her hand loosened on his arm, falling away. “Always,” she promised, her voice sounding empty.
He nodded, exited the car, and escaped inside. For the first time, he didn’t look back for one more glimpse. He didn’t want to capture the image of her in his mind, not like this, when all she felt for him was pity.