21. Taylor
CHAPTER 21
TAYLOR
“ S o he’s really just leaving?” Maddie asked as she helped Taylor put up the booth that would host the local candlemaker.
“Yup,” Taylor said. “I mean, I don’t know why I expected anything else. Leaving is all Kane ever does.”
“I thought it would be different this time, though,” Maddie said. “Didn’t you?”
“Why would it be different? You mean, because we’re older now? That’s what I thought — that maybe he’d matured — but I was giving him way too much credit. He’s the same flighty, selfish person he always was.”
Maddie raised her eyebrows, stopping what she was doing to look at Taylor.
“What?” Taylor asked.
“You don’t usually talk about people that way,” Maddie said. “You sound awfully mean when you do.”
“I can be mean.”
“Not usually,” Maddie said with a smile. “You’re usually one of the nicest people I know. To a fault, even.”
“Well, maybe I think he deserves it.”
“And maybe he does. But what’s bringing out this side of you? Plenty of people have deserved to be told off in the time I’ve known you, and you’re rarely the one to do it. You’re usually more about giving second chances.”
“Are you kidding me?” Taylor asked. “Maddie, this was his second chance. Are you saying I should give him a third one?”
Maddie held up her hands. “I’m not saying you should do anything,” she said. “You need to handle this in whatever way feels right to you. I’m just surprised, that’s all. I’m surprised to see you so affected by this.”
Taylor sighed. Her friend wasn’t wrong, she supposed. “I don’t know why I let him get under my skin this time.”
“Let’s get a drink,” Maddie suggested, pointing over at the table where the Chesterfields had set up a cooler of lemonades for the people who had come to volunteer today.
Just the thought of volunteers made Taylor feel angry. So many people from Miller Creek were here pitching in, happy to help. And the one person who should have been making amends had run away.
“You know, it’s probably hard for him to face all this,” Maddie said quietly.
“I’m sure it is,” Taylor said. “But that’s just the problem, isn’t it? He runs when things get hard. That’s what he did when we were younger, and that’s what he’s doing now.”
“Can I ask you a question?”
“Sure,” Taylor said, grabbing two lemonade cans from the cooler and passing one to her friend.
“Is this really about what you feel like Kane owes to the Chesterfields? I mean, is that the real reason you’re upset with him for leaving this time?”
“You don’t think that’s enough of a reason?”
“It’s enough, but I’m not sure it’s your reason.” Maddie’s voice was gentle. “Taylor, everyone knows about what’s been going on between the two of you, you know. It isn’t a secret.”
Taylor felt herself flush. “It’s not a big deal.”
“Maybe not. I wouldn’t know. But you’ve been living with him since he came back, and I know you always had a bit of a thing for him when we were younger.”
“You knew that?” Taylor had never told anyone.
“You’re my best friend,” Maddie smiled. “I know pretty much everything there is to know about you. Do you think I could have had a crush on someone and you miss it?”
“You were always with Bradley. I guess I never had to try to figure out what you felt for anyone, because it was always so obvious.”
“I guess that’s true. Well, I could tell that you were into him. There were plenty of times I wondered if you two were going to hook up. He was into you too, you know.”
“That’s what he told me,” Taylor said.
“He said that? Really?”
“Yeah, but… well, now I don’t know what to think. If he actually felt something for me, he couldn’t leave the way he did. He would have stayed.”
Maddie nodded. “That’s what I thought.”
“What’s what you thought?”
“You’re not upset that he bailed on the Chesterfields. You’re upset that he bailed on you .”
“Pretty pathetic, isn’t it?” Taylor asked. “I should have known all along that he would. I don’t know why I ever let myself believe that it would end any differently.”
“He did seem different this time,” Maddie said. “You’re not the only one who thought it. I did. I think the Chesterfields did, in the end. Not everyone in town was convinced that he had changed, but I think a lot of us saw something different in him.”
“Really?” Taylor didn’t know whether this made it better or worse, but there was something in the idea that she wasn’t alone — that everyone else had seen a different side of Kane as well. “I thought he seemed… regretful. Like he knew he had been wrong in the past.”
“Well, he definitely seemed that way,” Maddie said. “I mean, think about how much money he put into this event. And he sold you that house for way less than he could have. He wouldn’t have done those things if he wasn’t genuinely remorseful for the things he’d done in the past. There wouldn’t be anything else that could motivate him to do something like that.”
“But if he’s so remorseful, why wouldn’t he see it through?”
“Maybe it’s not about the Chesterfields for him either,” Maddie said. “Maybe he’s also more concerned about what’s been going on between the two of you.”
“So you think he’s running away from me too,” Taylor said.
“I’m not saying there’s anything impressive about it,” Maddie said. “But Kane wouldn’t be the first man in the world to struggle with making a commitment, would he?”
“I didn’t ask him for a commitment.” Taylor felt more frustrated than ever. “If he left because of me, the only way I can interpret it is that he left because I was bothering him. And if that’s what he did, I don’t know how to feel okay about it. I don’t know how to make my peace with that.”
“If that’s what it is, he’s a jerk, and you don’t have to waste any more time thinking about him,” Maddie said loyally.
“Maybe,” Taylor agreed. “Or maybe he was on the verge of making amends for his past, and I annoyed him so much that he had to leave town without seeing it through.”
Maddie laughed. “Come on,” she said. “You know that’s ridiculous, don’t you? Kane was lucky to have you, Taylor. Not many people would have welcomed him back into their lives when he showed up in Miller Creek. If he had showed up on my doorstep… well, I don’t know what I would have done, but it wouldn’t have gone nearly as well for him as it did with you.”
“And I’d like to think he appreciates that,” Taylor said. “But maybe he just thinks of me as someone who never got over a schoolgirl crush.”
“Is that true? Were you living out your teenage fantasies with him?”
“Maybe it started out that way. But he’s not who he was back then, and neither am I,” Taylor said. “What I feel for him now… it’s different. It’s bigger. Harder to ignore. It’s going to be harder to get over, too.” She sighed and let her hair out of its ponytail, shook it out, and pulled it back up. “The thing is that I don’t believe he’s selfish and flaky. Not anymore. I just wish I believed those things. But I’ve seen too many genuine moments where he cared about what was going on around him, about the people in his life and the people he’d hurt. I really believe the Chesterfield fire is the biggest regret of his life. I think what happened is that he was just too afraid to face it, in the end.”
“Well, I’m surprised,” Maddie said. “I thought he wasn’t like that anymore. I thought he had changed for the better. I mean, I really believed it. To find out that he still has this side to him… yeah, that’s disappointing. I understand why you’re so upset by it. Even if you weren’t in love with him, that would make sense to me.”
“Hang on,” Taylor objected. “I’m not in love with him.”
“Oh,” Maddie said, but she raised her eyebrows skeptically.
“I’m not,” Taylor protested.
“Okay,” Maddie said. “It’s just, you know. You’ve had feelings for him ever since forever. And now he comes back into town and moves into your house?—”
“It was his house too.”
“And the two of you start working on this big project together, which everyone in town knows you were under no obligation at all to help him with, because what did it have to do with you? And now he’s gone and you’re walking around like you’re haunted. I don’t know, Taylor. I’ve never seen you like this before. Guys don’t usually get to you this way.”
“It’s just because I thought I could count on him,” Taylor said weakly, wondering whether that was the truth. “It’s not because I’m in love with him.”
“Well, you’d be the one to know,” Maddie said. “I’m not trying to say I know you better than you know yourself here. It’s just that, as your best friend, sometimes I do.”
“So you are trying to say that.” Taylor couldn’t help laughing a little, despite her unhappiness.
“Maybe a little bit,” Maddie acknowledged. “Maybe I have perspective that you don’t have here.”
“Well, it doesn’t matter,” Taylor said with finality. “We can call it whatever we want, but the point is that he’s not coming back. What difference does it make if I love him or not? That’s not something I can hold on to now.”
“No, I guess it isn’t,” Maddie agreed. “But won’t you feel better if you admit it to yourself?”
“I don’t know.” If anything, Taylor felt a little worse thinking about things in those terms. If Kane was running away because he couldn’t face up to the sins of his past, she could pity him for it. If he was running because he simply didn’t care about anything and was exactly as cold as he seemed to be, she could hate him for it.
But what if it was neither of those things? What if he was running because he knew how she felt about him and thought it was too much to deal with? What if he saw what Maddie did — that Taylor’s feelings were bigger than any she’d ever had before? And what if he had decided that he simply didn’t want to be responsible for those feelings?
That would make it my fault he left. My fault that he ran out on the Chesterfields. My fault that he lost his opportunity to get closure.
It was a thought she could hardly stand. She had spent so long blaming herself for Kane’s flight the first time, wishing that she had handled their last conversation differently. This time, somehow, it felt even more painful to think that she’d let him down.
He hadn’t come here looking for love. He had come here looking for redemption.
Had Taylor ruined it for him by allowing her own feelings to get in the way?
She hated to think that she might have been that selfish, but there was no denying the point Maddie had made. Her feelings for Kane had overpowered all rational thought.
Her friend was right. She had fallen in love, against her better judgment. And in doing so, she thought she might have ruined everything — for herself, for the Chesterfields, and most of all, for Kane.