Chapter 3
Icrossed the footbridge at five-fifty in the morning because Alex asked me to.
Then dropped a pin to a location. No context. No explanation. Just a location on the Kingswell side of the river. I'd set my alarm for five-thirty without thinking about it.
I could've texted back where the hell is this or why or it's November, I'm not freezing my dick off at five in the morning. Instead I put on three layers and walked.
Because it was Alex.
The pin led me off the river path, through a gap in birch trees and overgrown holly, to a wooden bench I'd never seen before. Set back from the trail. Hidden. You could hear the river but you couldn't be seen from it.
I sat down. The cold came through my jeans. The river was loud through the branches, the current pulling hard. The sky was dark. The Kingswell lampposts glowed orange somewhere behind me through the trees.
I heard crunching on the path.
Alex came through the gap in the trees carrying a paper bag and two cups. His hair was a mess. Kingswell jacket over a hoodie, the zipper done wrong — one side higher than the other.
"Your zipper's fucked up," I said.
He looked down. "I know." Tried to fix it one-handed while holding the cups.
"Give me those." I took the cups. He fought the zipper with both hands and lost again.
"Just leave it."
"It's going to bother me."
"Alex. It's dark. Nobody can see you."
"I can feel it."
I set the cups on the bench and stood up. Grabbed both sides of his jacket. Unzipped it all the way. Rezipped it. Straight. My hands on his chest for a second longer than necessary.
"There. Nice and perfect for my golden boy."
He smirked and shook his head.
"I brought bagels." He held up the paper bag. "From that place on College Street that opens at five."
"You went to College Street at five in the morning?"
"Yeah."
"Because?"
"Because I wanted to see you and I didn't want to show up empty-handed." He said it like it was obvious. Like crossing campus in the dark to buy bagels before dawn was a normal thing that normal people did.
I took the bag. Everything bagel, cream cheese, still warm. Perfect.
We sat. The bench was small and our legs touched. I didn't move mine. Neither did he. It felt good.
"This is so much better than the bagels at the student union," I said with my mouth full.
He smiled.
"I'm surprised you know where a bagel shop is. I assumed you were raised on, like, smoked salmon or whatever your people eat for breakfast."
"Sundays was smoked salmon, yes. Weekdays were poached eggs and discussing which scholarship kids to evict."
I shot him a look. "I knew it."
"My father keeps a list. Alphabetical. You're under M."
I almost choked. Alex watched me cough with a dry expression but underneath I could tell he was pleased he got a laugh out of me.
"You good?"
"Yeah. You're being… I don't know normal."
He took a bite of his bagel, "What's that supposed to mean?"
"You're a mess."
He tilted his head.
"Your hair is wreck. Your zipper. You have cream cheese on your face. And you're making good jokes."
"I'm always a mess. I'm usually just better at hiding it. And I've decided that I don't give a shit."
I raised my eyebrows. "Swearing too? Bad boy."
"Is that a problem for you?"
"No, I like it. Come here."
He leaned in. I kissed him. Slow. My lips against his. The specific taste of Alex that I'd been carrying around in my head since Boston.
It was only a few days and I missed the way he felt already.
He kissed me back. His hand finding the side of my neck, his thumb against my jaw.
I pulled back just too look at him.
"I'd cross into enemy territory for that any day of the week."
"Very brave."
I took another bite of the bagel. "I could've been spotted by a Kingswell patrol."
"We don't have patrols." Alex tilted his head.
"You have a guy who rakes the quad at dawn. I've seen him. He's intimidating."
Alex laughed.
"That's Gerald," he said. "And he's seventy-three."
"Gerald could end me."
His whole face changed and his jaw relaxed and eyes crinkled at the corners. This was the face nobody at Kingswell saw. The face his father probably hadn't seen since Alex was a kid.
For me. That face was for me.
His laughter trailed off and he shook his head.
"But really, what's going on with you?" I said.
"What do you mean?"
"You're different." I studied him.
"I'm good." He said it simply. Like it surprised him too.
"That's new."
"Yeah." He looked at the river. "I had lunch with Ethan yesterday. Talked about some things — my father, the texter, all of it. And I think that I want to come out."
My stomach dropped. Not the warm thing from a minute ago.
"Come out," I repeated.
"Not right away. But I'm done with the performance, Liam. All of it. Checking who's watching, pretending, worrying about everything. It only has power because I'm hiding. If I stop hiding—"
"Then what? It all just goes away?"
He heard it. The edge in my voice. He turned to look at me.
"No. But it stops eating me alive." He paused. "I feel like I can breathe for once. That's why I'm different this morning."
And there it was. The gap. Alex sitting next to me glowing because he'd saw a pathway to freedom and me sitting next to him with Emily's face still burned into the back of my eyelids. So I figured I'd tell him.
"Something happened last night," I said.
He read the shift. His hand found the back of my neck. Rested there.
"Emily came to my door."
His fingers pressed gently against my skin.
"She's dating someone new. Wanted to talk before she could really move on."
"What did you tell her?"
"Everything. That I'm bi. You. All of it."
"Wow. How was it?"
"Hard. She was angry about the lying. Not the bi thing." I stared at the coffee cup in my hands. "She said I should stop running from the hard conversations."
Alex's thumb started moving. Small circles below my ear.
"She's right," he said.
"Yeah. She is." I leaned into his hand. Then pulled back. "But Alex — you're talking about telling the world."
"I'm not asking you to come out."
"I know you're not."
"Then—"
"I'm saying I'm not there yet." My voice came out rougher than I wanted.
He was quiet for a moment.
"Okay," he said.
Alex looked away, I could see the gears turning in his head. Processing something.
"Liam." He turned back to me. "Does anyone else know about you?"
"Noah."
"That's two people."
"And Remy."
"Three. And Ethan knows so that's four."
The thought of so many people knowing made me nervous but kind of relieved. That many people knew and nothing had gotten out and nothing bad had happened.
"To be honest Alex. I don't even know what would happen if I came out. I just feel like it could mess with my rowing career. And that's all I have."
"I get it." His thumb moved again. "I guess I'll have to follow your lead."
"Alright. What if it's after college?"
"I don't know. I guess I'd have to wait then."
Alex took the last bite of his bagel and I sipped my coffee as we both stared off into the river behind the trees.
"We don't have to rush. I don't even know if I'm ready. "
The tension that was building relaxed. The thought of people knowing about me, or us, scared the shit out of me.
"Alright. No rush then?"
"Let's not worry about it for now," he said. The rest of the tension left my chest.
He leaned against me. His head on my shoulder. I could feel his breathing through our jackets.
"Thank you for meeting me this morning," he said.
"Thank you for the bagel… but I'd rather the salmon."
Alex laughed and it all felt perfect for that moment. The thought of coming out to anyone else gave me anxiety. But that morning was good, it felt kind of normal. Having breakfast together before practice. Somewhere special, just for the two of us. That was nice.
***
Practice was at seven-thirty. Riverside boathouse. Both teams.
I went straight from the bench and Alex waited a bit before he left. We staggered it. I'd show up at seven-fifteen with the Riverside guys. He'd come in at seven-twenty with the Kingswell crew through the bay door. Different entrances, different timing.
I hated the math of it. But I wasn't ready to stop doing it.
The erg room was full. Riverside guys on the left, Kingswell on the right, the old habit, but the line between them was blurring. Tyler had Collins's phone, swiping through something. Remy sat on an erg next to a Kingswell coxswain, comparing data on a tablet.
I thought back to just a few months ago to the brawl at the party. What a world to be living in. It seemed as though our rivalry was solved.
Alex came in at seven-twenty with the rest of the Kingswell crew. Didn't look at me.
Hale and Eldridge stood at the front. Together. Hale in the Riverside windbreaker, coffee mug, the posture of a guy who'd been doing this for decades. Eldridge in a Kingswell quarter-zip with his arms crossed.
"Listen up," Hale said. All thirty of us shut up.
"Fourth place at the Head of the Charles. Collegiate doubles. First time either program has cracked the top five." He glanced at Eldridge. "First time either of us has worked with someone from the other side of the river."
Eldridge's mouth twitched.
"Next — Jace is finishing his degree this semester. December graduation. He's been invited to the U23 national development camp in January."
The room erupted. Guys clapping, a few whoops, someone banging an erg handle against the rail. Jace sat in the back row with his arms crossed, shaking his head.
"Relax," he said. "It's not the Olympics."
"Yet!" Tyler shouted.
More noise. Jace pointed at Tyler. "Sit down."
"I'm already sitting."
"Then sit down harder."
The room laughed then settled when Hale stopped.
"Here's what's next," Hale said. "We're extending joint training through winter. Three mornings together, two program-specific. Ergs, tank, water when the river allows. Eldridge and I are building a quad development initiative — expanding what Harrington and Moore did in the double."
A quad. My pulse ticked up.
"Moore. You're coordinating Riverside's winter scheduling. Rosters, rotations, equipment. Jace is handing off his records before he leaves."
I nodded. Jace nodded from the back.
Braden raised his hand. "The quad. Who's being considered?"
"Everyone who earns it," Eldridge said. "Starting with today's baseline."
Braden looked at Alex. Then at me.
"Two-thousand-meter test," Hale said. "Ten minutes. Warm up."
The room moved. Ergs coming alive. Tyler dropped into the machine next to mine.
"Equipment management," he said. "You're team mom."
"Tyler."
"Mom Moore. I'm into it."
"I'm going to break you."
"See? Protective. Maternal."
"That doesn't even make sense dude."
Jace took the erg on my other side. Already pulling warm-up strokes.
"You ready?" he asked.
"Yeah."
"Good. I'm not losing my last baseline to you."
I grabbed the handle. Set my feet. The monitor glowed blue.
Across the room, Alex sat down on his machine. He adjusted his foot straps. Pulled the handle once. Looked up.
Our eyes met across the room for a half-second. Then he looked down at his monitor and I looked down at mine.
The timer started.
I pulled.