Chapter 9
NINE
DEAN
The air hung thick and sticky between us, barely stirred by a light breeze. I could still feel him—the soft brush of our mouths, how he’d curled into me, the faint scent of his sunscreen and a spicy hint of aftershave.
“It was more than that, and you know it.”
I did.
But that didn’t make it a good idea.
The villa was glowing softly in welcome, the bed turned down. Another pair of chocolates was waiting on the pillows as if to beckon us closer, and yeah, thanks, message received. I looked away.
And right at Tay, who was watching me already. In the velvety haze, he seemed like a dream—beautiful and slightly out of reach. Even if it was by my own choice.
The top four buttons of his shirt were undone, the hollow of his throat golden with the beginnings of a summer tan, so exposed it made my teeth ache.
This space, big as it was, felt too small to contain the two of us, so I turned to head outside.
He trailed me on bare feet, dropping down next to me on the edge of the decking.
The night wrapped around us like dark silk, still sun-warm, the ocean a steady beat beneath us.
“So,” he said eventually, tone hushed. “Where do we go from here?”
Not coy, no beating around the bush—just honest, with that careful edge that said he half expected a no. Putting himself out there because that’s what he did. Brave. It made me want to rise to his level.
“The thing is…” I glanced at him, then let my gaze slide to the dark horizon. “It’s like sometimes, even though you know you’re attractive, you don’t seem to really get it. And I wanted you to.” I straightened slightly, rolling back my shoulders. “But I wanted to kiss you, too.”
The side of his foot nudged mine. “Earlier, though—after the beach. You sort of disappeared.”
I could deflect.
“Yeah,” I admitted instead. “It threw me just a little—the kiss. Like, not bad, okay? But it didn’t feel fake to me.
Didn’t feel like you were faking it either, and I panicked a little.
” Because that one kiss, sun-dazed and fueled by midday shots and a ridiculous competition that had made no sense…
It had lit me up more than any hookup ever had—flushed and shaky, heat rising to my cheeks like a wave about to crest.
Tay shifted so our knees were pressed together. His warmth felt like an anchor. “Why’s that scary?”
“I already told you that my circle—the people I actually let in—it’s small. And you’re part of it.” I felt the full weight of his attention like the tug of a tidal change. “I don’t want to mess that up.”
He tilted his head, eyes unreadable. “And sex would?”
“I think it could.” Even though I wanted him so much I had to keep myself from reaching out. Especially because I did. “And I don’t want to lose you to that kind of fuckup.”
He went quiet for a minute, then said, “It could work, you know?”
I refused to let myself imagine it—how I could reach for him right now, kiss him hard and deep, fingers grappling at his zipper.
How he’d push into it because I knew he would, how he’d give as good as he got, press a palm to the front of my shorts and find me hard already just from him. How I would—stop.
Stop.
“It could, yeah. But I’m not willing to risk it.” I cleared my throat and didn’t dare look at him. “You, uh. With the hospital, you know. But more importantly, you matter too much.”
“You matter to me, too.” He tilted closer, shoulders touching, and I realized it was one way in which he communicated more than I did—through touch, shared warmth. “I’m probably more the leap-first kind of guy, so I, you know… I’d risk it. But I respect that you won’t.”
I exhaled, lungs deflating into a weird little clump that didn’t feel entirely like relief. “Thank you.”
“For hearing a no and choosing to accept it?” A half smile curled at the corners of his mouth. “That’s common decency, Dean.”
I frowned. “This isn’t me rejecting you.”
“It kind of is,” he said softly, his attention on the horizon like it symbolized a line I’d just drawn. For once, I didn’t really think—just slung an arm around his waist and let my hand curve around his hip.
“I want you. But I want your friendship more than I want your body.”
Something about that seemed to resonate because he leaned into me, huffing out a quiet laugh.
“Well, you do have a way with words.” A brief pause followed.
“Can I still flirt, though? Not trying to seduce you, just… I don’t know.
It’s sort of how I roll. And we have to keep it up anyway, for your mom and all. ”
“Of course, yeah.” I let my pinkie brush over the bare skin at his waist and pretended this was normal, like something I’d do with Gregg, too. “No walking on eggshells around each other.”
“Good. Although…” A smile colored Tay’s voice. “Honestly, that metaphor’s never made sense to me. If the egg’s already broken, aren’t the shells the part you chuck out?”
Huh. I considered it. “I guess it’s about the dramatic crunch when you step on them. But the point, Tay, is that you and I are not the mess on the floor.”
“Personally”—his tone gained a teasing lilt—“I’m open to the occasional mess. Can be on the floor, on the bed, in the shower…”
I bit my lip against a smile. “Is this you flirting? Because if so, I’m not charmed.”
“Another lie,” he said.
True.
I tapped his hip in response. He breathed out a small chuckle and shifted slightly further into me, our feet swinging over moonlit water. Silence bloomed, and I told myself it wasn’t the calm before an incoming storm.
We were good.
Soft, sneaky warmth that slipped beneath my skin, coiled low in my belly and behind my knees. Rich darkness behind my lids. The rise and fall of someone else’s breaths under my palm.
I—wait. What…? I blinked my eyes open, careful not to move so much as a muscle.
Fuck.
Okay, steady. My thigh was draped over Tay’s like I had the right, his hair tickling my forehead.
I’d wrapped an arm around him, my hand flat against the bare skin of his chest, and I inhaled through the heat that crackled all along my spine.
The slightest shift, and I could kiss his neck.
Move my hand down, see if he’d make a sound once I reached the waistband of his boxers.
Except I’d drawn a line. That I’d crossed without meaning to, halfway across the bed and all up in his space.
I tried to pull away slowly, carefully—only for him to take a slightly deeper breath and mumble, “Good morning.” Warm and sleepy-rough, it hit me somewhere low. Dangerous.
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to, uh…” Spoon you? Go full-on koala? Jesus. With a decisive shift, I moved away from him and back to my own side of the bed. “Not used to sharing. Guess I got a little territorial last night.”
He rolled onto his back, eyes still soft with sleep, a light smile lingering about his mouth. Shadows played along the curve of his collarbone. “It’s fine, Dean. Don’t often do this with hookups, so it’s actually kind of nice.”
A bubble of irrational jealousy burst in my gut, even though I had no fucking right. This was stolen time. It wasn’t real, and he wasn’t mine.
For a second or maybe three, I let myself watch as he raised his arms above his head for a leisurely stretch, gaze half-lidded in the low light, glittering with an invitation. Right. I forced a laugh. “This is you flirting, then?”
“Is it working?” he asked.
I looked away and let my voice drop. “You know it is.”
A brief silence fell. Then the mattress dipped with Tay propping himself up on his elbows. “Hey, it’s not…” He sounded much more serious. “I can stop. Don’t mean to make things awkward.”
“It’s not awkward,” I said.
“You can’t even look at me.”
“Because I’m mentally repeating all the reasons it would be a bad idea to climb on top of you.”
He inhaled audibly. “Remind me, then.”
“You’ve become one of my closest friends.” I chanced a glance to find him watching my mouth. “And if you really go for CT, you would end up back in my department. Complicated, to say the least. Even now, it wouldn’t look great if people heard about how I took you along for a family wedding.”
A moment passed before he spoke. “You were never my direct superior.”
“We both know how hospital gossip works.”
His mild scoff was answer enough. He dropped his head back on the pillow and exhaled. “I mean, fine—you make a solid case. Almost makes me want to behave.”
I let one side of my mouth twitch upward. “Almost?”
“Well, yeah. Wouldn’t want you to get bored with me.” It came with a playful tilt that made the knot in my chest loosen a little.
“Highly unlikely,” I told him.
“That’s what you say now. And then I introduce you to my study plan and highlighter-color system—it’s the stuff of fantasy.”
It pinged an echo of what he’d said about some asshole he’d dated back in college, who expected a fun time rather than a smart, dedicated student. I rolled onto my side and shot Tay a proper smile. “Brains are sexy.”
A second.
Then I chuckled, Tay just a beat behind. “Sure, Mr. Zombie,” he said, and it was light and easy, snapping the thread of tension between us.
“That’s Dr. Zombie to you,” I said even as I ignored the sliver of something tight curled under my ribs.
“What do you call a medical operation to see inside an ocean?”
“Tay,” I said. “Please.”
His mouth tipped up into a beaming grin. “A biop-sea!”
“Oh my God,” I said, then gave in to the laugh tickling my throat.
Next to me, Charley raised her glass in a toast while Theo guffawed like a real-life cartoon character.
My mom and James were listening with wide, happy smiles, their faces shaded by matching straw hats even though we’d all gathered under a sun sail, on our way back from a snorkeling excursion. The boat engine hummed underneath us.
“All right,” Charley said. “My turn. What do you call a smiling, courteous person at a bar association convention?”