Chapter 14 #2
“Yes,” I say, “I have fond memories of my pediatrician as a kid. I wanted to be a pediatric surgeon once, remember? I was considering just pediatrics, but I think family med offers me more flexibility.”
Please like me more now that I mentioned kids, I pray.
“I helped take care of Jade and Bianca after my mother passed,” I ramble, and that gets Bovie’s attention.
It’s not a secret my mother died—at least not to people that have been in this hospital long enough to hear my father mention it—but the sympathy card plus early fathering responsibilities seem to soften him.
“Kids are the opposite of what I am. Charming. Na?ve. I think I’ll get a lot more joy out of my day from interacting with them over an interpersonal organ.”
He sighs, finishes putting in the tube, and hands his instruments back to Kelly.
“You should put that on a personal statement,” Bovie says. “That might be the only nice thing you’ve ever said about another human being.”
Jade holds back her laugh, but the rest of them all cough.
Bovie looks between us, deciding who gets to suture this closed.
Jade and I are both poised and ready, gloves on, arms crossed, waiting for the go-ahead to continue.
In the operating theater, we aren’t siblings.
No, we’re competition.
And she’s better than me, which is as frightening as it is miraculous.
I still can’t believe anyone in my twisted family can rise to the occasion like my father. But God blessed her with hands half our size and twice as controlled, which I’ll forever be jealous of.
So I’m surprised when Bovie’s offended glare subsides, and he still hands me the instrument first. “Fuck up, and it’s Jade’s O.R,” he warns me.
“Thanks,” I say, moving around him.
At least he didn’t stab me with it. Small blessings.
I’ve barely made the first incision before the door swings open.
“Are you helping the patient, or the disease?”
Shit.
Father’s deep, baritone tone makes both me and Jade shudder. It’s not unusual for attendings to check in on each case, but neither of us expected to see him today.
Jade scurries to the side, letting him see.
“I’ve just started,” I tell him, numbly suturing in the next stitch.
He assesses my work for a minute before the interrogation begins.
“What are some of the host-related risk factors for bloodstream infections from catheters?”
“Burns or neutropenia.”
“Where does the infection come from?”
“Skin, contamination of the catheter itself, spreading from an infection already present, or contamination of the infusion material.”
“Most common microbes that cause infections?”
“Coagulase-negative staphylococci and staph aureus.”
The harsh, sterile lights feel downright pleasant compared to the scrutinous glare in my father’s eyes.
His arms cross, unsatisfied.
“What’s wrong with Percy today?” he suddenly asks.
“Huh?” I ask, so startled I do the unthinkable—I drop the clamp on the floor.
Jade gasps. Kelly’s nose scrunches, handing me another tool.
Instead of kicking me out immediately, Father crosses his arms tighter. “She wasn’t in today. Do you know why?”
My mind races, but I can’t think of anything. Is she okay? Why did he come in so abruptly?
What happened?
“For someone who’s dating her, you don’t seem to know much about her life,” Father says, his critical tone making my veins ice.
“I’ve been waiting for her to text me,” I admit. “I know her interviews should be rolling in, and if it’s not going well, I don’t want to stress her out—”
“Bullshit.”
His voice startles me so much I pull the suture too tight, and the thread snaps.
Too long.
I freeze; the entire O.R. stares in icy shock.
“That girl is distracting you, Kane,” Father says, my hand still held midair.
“You’ve been acting differently all year.
All my eyes in this hospital tell me you’re mechanical now, robotic.
Like you’re just biding your time until you can go home.
How are you going to become a surgeon in these conditions? ”
I gulp, debating whether now is the time to tell him. Bovie looks at me expectantly. Jade looks like she’s more scared for me than she’s scared of me. Even Kelly and Lane look like they’re wondering whether I have enough balls to speak.
Kelly holds the replacement suture in her hand, waiting for me to reach for it.
Instead, I address my father, withdrawing my hand. “Dr. Goodyear, I—”
“You can’t handle the slightest bit of criticism of your relationship,” he says, interrupting me. Whatever set him off today, I became the unlikely target. “What are you even doing, engaging that girl, when you can’t even keep up your surgical skills? You’re not ready to be married yet.”
Oh, fuck. I almost forgot I was fake-engaged now. Which bomb to drop first? Dad, I’m going to become a primary care heathen? Or worse, my entire love life is a fraud?
“How can you be engaged to her and not communicate? Why am I hearing that she’s ill before you? Did I raise you to be so absent—”
“She’s sick?” I interrupt.
The words leave me before I can stop them.
Father pauses. My pulse stutters.
“She never told me that.”
A knot twists hard in my chest.
When?
How long has she been sick? I just saw her yesterday.
Did it start this morning? And how do other people know before me?
I’m supposed to be her—
“You quit suturing,” he says, pointing at the patient. “Every moment the patient is under is precious time, Kane. You should know that by now.”
“Sorry,” I say, taking the suture from Kelly and continuing. “I can—”
At the last minute, my hand slips, and I nick the skin outside the suture line. Fuck. I haven’t done that since medical school.
There’s something about my father yelling at me that makes me feel like a small child again, hands made of jelly, thoughts scrambling like broken dreams.
“Kane Goodyear!” Father yells. “What the hell is that!”
“Sorry,” I say again, dabbing at the drop of blood. Jade watches me pitifully while Kelly sets up the mayo for her.
“Get out of the O.R.,” Father demands, and I acquiesce, stepping aside for Jade.
I retreat in shame as Jade takes over where I used to be.
I don’t think I belong here anymore.
But, with a sickening lurch in my gut, I realize that maybe the Goodyear I left behind does. She’s the perfect doctor's daughter: smart, ambitious, and devoutly obedient to whatever Daddy tells her to do.
My feet shuffle away, each step tearing through my conscience.
If growing up drifted us apart, it’s nothing like the chasm that’ll erupt when I leave the field of surgery, abandoning her to him.
And Jade only has to take over today because I nicked a patient.
I got so in my head that I couldn’t focus.
Percy is sick, and she never told me.
And I’m running away from the dream I’m not good enough for, from a hospital that’s lost all faith in me, as I dishonor a family who has supported my surgical journey through hell and back.
I’m fucking incorrigible.
But still, my head throbs with worry.
I race out of the hospital, determined that Percy deserves someone who’s everything, not my distraught mess, jack-of-all failures, master of none.
But until then…
We have at least two more months.
And I am not going to let myself drag her down.