Oscar
“Stop it!” Yvette said aloud to herself.
She sat up from the reclined position she’d been in. After returning home from the airport, she’d allowed herself to wallow in the self-pity and sadness she felt from Mac’s departure from her life, once again. She mentally chastised herself for getting used to his presence.
The simple fact was, she still loved him more than she ever thought she could love someone.
That feeling hadn’t diminished over the years.
If anything, his sudden reappearance had proven it was the opposite.
The person he was, the person he’d always been, was the one person she believed God had made for her.
His presence in her life fed her soul, brought her peace, and made her feel complete.
And his leaving created the opposite. She felt fractured, restless, hungry for his touch, hungry for his presence.
Before he’d crashed back into her life, she hadn’t felt lonely.
Now that he was gone, she felt hollow and deserted.
And she hated herself for feeling that way.
She forced herself to get out of bed. She went into her kitchen and grabbed a protein bar and a bottle of water.
She told herself she’d have them and then exercise, and she’d feel better.
Several hours later, after a hard run that left her drenched with sweat and her legs aching, she put herself through a good stretch followed by a lengthy shower.
Still, she didn’t feel better about Mac’s leaving.
Before she gave it much thought, she pulled into Michaela’s driveway.
While Angel and Madison were both good friends and would surely offer her a safe place to spill her guts, Alpha Team was in town, and she preferred not to have either Cooper or Jackson within hearing range.
The DVR Team, and Lambchop weren’t due back until the next morning.
Michaela opened the front door after she had rung the bell. “I’m sorry I didn’t call first,” Yvette said.
“Yvette, what’s wrong?” Michaela asked, instantly seeing her friend was upset. She took Yvette by the hand and prompted her to step into the entry.
Yvette allowed the tears she’d kept in to burst forth. Michaela swallowed her in a hug. “I’m so mad at myself for feeling this way.”
“Mac left today, didn’t he?”
“Yes. Nothing was different this time, so why do I feel like this? I know what our relationship is. It’s not like I expect more. I’ve never asked for more, never believed it was possible. I accepted how it had to be decades ago.”
Even as she spoke the words, her inner voice called her a liar.
Something had been different this time. She had secretly hoped that this time he’d stay.
She’d hoped that this time, he’d declare he felt as she did.
Things were different for her since she’d joined Shepherd Security.
She had a home. She was settled. The work was the same, but she no longer traveled to far-flung countries, bases and outposts.
She had a home she loved, friends, and a family at Shepherd Security.
“Maybe you’ve changed since you saw him last,” Michaela suggested.
Yvette shrugged in her arms. Michaela saw it too.
Yes, Yvette knew she’d changed. Having real friends and a family that cared about her had to change a person, didn’t it?
And when Shepherd was shot, how she felt, she knew then she’d changed.
It had hit her harder than any other injury or fatality suffered by an asset she oversaw ever had.
That had been a real turning point for her.
“Hey, is everything okay?” the distinct male voice asked.
Yvette opened her eyes to find Lambchop standing beside them.
He laid his hand on Yvette’s shoulder. “Can I do anything to help?”
Yvette internally cringed. He wasn’t supposed to be home yet.
An Operator should never see her in this state.
They always had to see her as strong, calm, their lifeline when they were in a shitstorm.
“No, I’m sorry. I didn’t know you were back yet.
I shouldn’t have come.” She tried to pull away, but Michaela held her more tightly.
“You absolutely should have,” Michaela said. Her gaze shifted to Lambchop. “Mac left today.”
A sympathetic expression formed on Lambchop’s face. “Yvette, you are exactly where you need to be. I’d like to think God brought you here for Michaela and me to help you find peace. That’s probably also why our mission abruptly ended early. It was fully resolved, by the way.”
“That’s good,” Yvette remarked.
“I just got home an hour ago,” Lambchop continued. “In time to give Stephanie her last bottle and put her to bed.”
Yvette smiled, seeing the contented and loving smile on his lips. He was such a good father, which was no surprise to her. Her gaze went back to Michaela. “I won’t stay long, but thank you both. I’ll be fine.”
Michaela prompted her to sit on the couch in the front room with her.
“Michaela, I’ll get your wine glass from the other room. Yvette, can I interest you in a glass of wine, a cup of tea, or something stronger?” Lambchop offered.
Yvette chuckled. “Do you still have that bottle of Basil Haden?”
“We do,” Lambchop answered. “I’ll join you in a glass.”
Yvette watched him leave the room. “If I had known he’d gotten back, I wouldn’t have come,” she said. “You two get too little time together.”
“Stop that,” Michaela said. “I’m glad you came.”
“Me too,” she admitted. “I knew I needed to talk to a friend about how I felt.”
“Did you tell him how you feel?”
Yvette shook her head. “We have an agreement.”
“That agreement goes back nearly two decades. Yvette, you were just out of college when you fell in love with him, and the two of you made that agreement. Things change over time.”
Yvette nodded. “Things haven’t changed for him.”
“How do you know that?” Lambchop asked as he handed a wine glass to Michaela, filled halfway with a dark red blend. “I worked with him this time, as I did in Greece last year. I think he’s changed quite a bit.”
“How so?” Yvette asked.
“He was more introspective this time around. I think he sees the end of his career looming, and he was more focused and thoughtful in the impressions he was leaving behind as he executed the mission.”
“I don’t think I understand what you mean by that,” Yvette confessed.
“The fact is he went rogue and went all in to bring this guy down. I think since he’s unsure of what his status will be after, that he wanted to make sure Shepherd, all of us, and probably you, all knew it was for the good of the world that he did it and not for some feather in his cap to feed an over-inflated ego. ”
“No one who knows him would ever think that,” Yvette argued. “I don’t think he’s done the job to stroke his ego, not that pulling off things that were next to impossible didn’t make him feel like Superman of the intel and spy community.”
Lambchop chuckled. “That he does have the reputation for. Look, he’s been playing this game for a long time.
I think it’s only natural that at some point, anyone who has, and is still alive is bound to see the end of it looming.
In this case, it’s because he’s maybe burned one too many bridges and he may be forced out, at least by Interpol.
In the back of his mind, he has to be wondering where he’ll land next. ”
Yvette wished he had wanted to land with her. She would have welcomed it. But did he know it? And surely, if he were to approach Shepherd, Shepherd would have a place for him.
“You would have liked him to want to land with you,” Michaela vocalized.
Yvette wondered if she’d said it aloud. “Yes.”
“Would he have had any way of knowing you would have liked that? No offense, but I know you, Yvette. You put up a strong, tough front. If he hadn’t known, would he have asked?” Michaela posed.
“Probably not,” she acknowledged.
“People keep the important things too close,” Michaela said.
“Pot, kettle, black,” Lambchop teased his wife. “How long did we dance around each other before admitting what we felt, what we both wanted?”
“Too long,” Michaela said. Her gaze went back to Yvette. “Don’t be like we were. We almost didn’t let this happen for reasons that I now can’t even remember. A healthy dose of honesty and baring your soul can go a long way.”
“It’s too late,” Yvette said. “He’s gone.
That conversation is one for in person, not via text or a phone call, not that I could get ahold of him if I wanted to.
He’s gone silent. His phone number is deactivated.
” And she wasn’t even sure if it was a discussion she could initiate.
If he didn’t feel the same, she didn’t want to lose what they did have.
“It’s never too late if both parties are still living,” Lambchop said.
“He’s gone dark, Lambchop.”
“The Digital Team could find him, if you want them to.”
Lambchop wasn’t telling her anything she didn’t know. Yes, the Digital Team could find him. Shepherd could even easily find out his status with Interpol. Was he burned? “I know he was going back to his Interpol contact, but I’m not sure if that means he went to France.” She sipped her drink.
“Shepherd could make inquiries,” Lambchop said.
“We’ve made plans to meet at Christmas. He’ll turn his phone back on at the beginning of December,” Yvette said. She sipped her drink again, appreciating the burn as it made its way down her throat.
“So you’ll wait until then to have that conversation with him?” Michaela asked.
Yvette shrugged. She really wasn’t sure.
“It’s complicated. This wasn’t the right time to have that conversation with him because his future is such an unknown.
I’m hoping by Christmas,” she began but paused.
By Christmas what? He’d be settled some place and be up to his eyeballs in new challenges, unable to disengage if he wanted to.
“There’s never going to be a perfect time to have this conversation with him, Yvette,” Lambchop said.