Papa
As autumn’s chill settled over the Chicago area, Yvette settled back into her comfortable routine.
Since Mac had left, every few days, she attempted to reach him only to find his phone number was still disconnected.
Emails sent to the personal email account were returned undeliverable.
It appeared he planned to remain silent until the beginning of December.
She still missed him, but after much thought, she decided that when she again saw him, hopefully at the resort over Christmas, she would tell him how she felt and what she wanted.
Perhaps there was a chance for some sort of regular relationship with him.
She’d have to decide what she’d be willing to live with.
She also braced herself to bear the possibility that it would be over.
Some relationships were just not meant to be.
Perhaps theirs had run its course, or perhaps it was that she’d grown, and it no longer suited her.
Every time those thoughts ran through her mind, she knew she didn’t want to accept that it could be over.
Shepherd confirmed that he’d not been discharged from Interpol, that his status was somewhat inactive. But he had not heard where he was or who he was working for. He promised that if he heard anything, he would let her know. And he personally had not heard from Mac since he’d left.
It was the second week of October, and she was at her regular meeting with Dr. Joe Lassiter, the team shrink. All team members were required to have regular meetings with Joe as Shepherd realized the job they did was tough and their mental health was just as important as their physical health.
She sat at the table in his kitchenette within his office space on the second floor of the Shepherd Security Building.
They were just finishing up a meeting that she would admit had gone roughly for her.
She felt guarded and knew she was more tight-lipped than usual.
She was sure Joe knew, and he was probably wondering why.
She wouldn’t be surprised if he pushed her on it.
“Anything else on your mind?” Joe asked, as he always did.
“Yeah, Joe, there actually is,” Yvette said.
She glanced out the window at the parking lot of the busy Woodfield Mall, which the building overlooked across the ring road.
She had not planned to bring up Mac or her feelings regarding him, but what they’d discussed so far in the meeting had made her realize that she was fed up with herself for letting too much of her thoughts be taken up by Mac.
She obviously wasn’t resolving her feelings by herself.
Maybe talking with Joe would help. “We’ve talked about Mac in the past, well, especially after the Cancun Mission a few months ago.
But what I didn’t tell you is that we’re planning to meet over Christmas. ”
“Why tell me now?” he asked.
“I’m struggling with my feelings for him.
” She paused and chuckled. “I’m actually disgusted with myself for letting him take up so much real estate in my thoughts.
I should have told him how I felt and what I wanted our relationship to be before he left this last time, but I didn’t. And I can’t do it now until December.”
“And what relationship is it you want with him?”
Yvette breathed out a heavy sigh. “I want some sort of normal relationship.”
“What’s the best-case scenario, if you could name it?” Joe asked.
“He’d want to be here with me, maybe approach Shepherd to see if Shepherd has a place for him at the agency. I got used to being with him, going to sleep with him and waking up with him. I miss him, Joe,” she confessed.
“And if he can’t do that, what are you willing to accept?” Joe asked.
Yvette nodded. “Yeah, that’s the question now, isn’t it?
” She was thoughtful for a moment. “We made an agreement a very long time ago of what we could and could not be. I’ve changed since I’ve been with Shepherd Security.
I’m not the same woman doing the same job who made that agreement, who couldn’t make a commitment back then.
Or maybe I should say I put the job ahead of my own personal happiness back then.
The fact was, doing that job didn’t leave room for a relationship. But I don’t do that job any longer.”
“And Mac?”
“Therein lies the problem. He’s still doing that job,” Yvette said.
“But you don’t know if he still wants to or if he’s ready for a change as well,” Joe suggested.
“I’ve tried to consider that.”
“Why didn’t you tell him before he left?” Joe asked.
Yvette’s gaze went back to the cars in the parking lot. “He had enough to deal with, not knowing if he was burned with Interpol or not.”
Joe Lassiter clapped his hands slowly. “So mature, selfless, a martyr even. Now how about you dig down deep and find the real reason?”
She should have known Joe would call her out. “If I’m being honest, I’d have to admit it was because I was afraid if he didn’t feel the same, I could lose what we do have.”
“From the sounds of it, what you do have is not fulfilling you. You’re worth more than mere crumbs of a relationship, you know.”
His words landed hard. “It’s not about worth,” she argued.
“Isn’t it?” Joe waited as he watched her roll it around in her mind.
“Yvette, you are one of the most self-confident, reliable, and even-tempered people I know. Your callsign of Control fits you. I’ve never once seen you hesitate in any Ops scenario.
When you’re watching the Operators backs, they know you’ve got them.
You command respect from everyone through the performance you’ve always given on the job.
But personally, you don’t demand the same.
You didn’t tell Mac what you wanted and needed the relationship to be.
You didn’t show that same confidence. You didn’t demand respect, which you deserve.
And respect falls under worth. You lead in Ops, but you stepped back and relinquished that lead personally. ”
“Did I?” she murmured. “I thought I was being respectful of him and what he was going through. I didn’t want to press it. If he had wanted to stay or wanted more, wouldn’t he have said?”
“Why assume that? You wanted more and didn’t say a thing. You wanted him to stay, but never invited him to do so,” Joe pointed out.
“I’ve made my decision on what I’m going to do next time I see him; I don’t understand why my thoughts keep dredging this back up for me. Usually, it’s when I’m wrestling with a decision that I’m like this.”
“Are you beating yourself up for not handling it differently when he was here?” Joe asked.
Yvette shrugged. “I don’t know. Maybe? I’m not one to normally do that, though. You know that, Joe.”
“I know. I also know that you are decisive, so making the decision and having to wait a few months to carry it out could be what’s causing this.”
“So, what’s your advice?”
“Maybe you need to speed up the timeframe. Shepherd could find out where he is or maybe even get in touch with him and ask that he reach out to you.”
Yvette nodded. She knew he could. The Digital Team could as well, and going through one of them would be less formal. “Let me think about it,” she said. “Maybe just talking with you today will help my mind settle.”
“So, you’ve talked with no one besides me about this?”
Yvette shook her head. She was still dismayed that Lambchop had been home when she’d gone to talk with Michaela.
“I talked with Michaela, not realizing Lambchop was home the day Mac left. You know how I feel about maintaining a certain image with the Operators. I was truly aghast that he saw me in a less than controlled emotional state. So, no, no one since then.”
“Yes, I do know how you feel about it. All I can say is if anyone saw behind the curtain, Lambchop is the one you’d want it to be.”
“Yes,” Yvette agreed. She checked her watch. Certainly, they were running out of time for this meeting.
***
Mac switched SIM cards, inserting the one that he thought of as his personal phone line.
He did it daily to check for important messages.
Over the past few months, there had been a couple from Yvette, first wishing him well with Interpol after he left, and then just ‘thinking of you’ types of messages that never asked for a callback.
He never responded. Today, there was one from her stating that she looked forward to December and spending time with him.
His heart swelled in his chest as it did each time he read a message from her. He wanted to be with her more than anything he could think of right now. December couldn’t come soon enough for him. He missed her terribly. He brought up his contact list and hit dial.
“Shepherd,” his familiar voice answered.
“Hi Shep,” Mac spoke into the phone. “Thank you for picking my call up. I need a favor.”
“I’m listening.”
“I’m working on something that only you can help me with. It’s important and has the backing of the State Department. Your wife will receive an invitation in the next few days. It is vital that you and she accept it.”
“Can you tell me what it’s regarding?” Shepherd said.
“No, not until you are onsite if you accept the invitation. It’s for both of you, and I promise there is no risk to her. I’ll be on-site and protect you both. But you may want to have Cooper and Madison on standby.”
“My wife, onsite? That’s not going to happen.”
“Shep, it has to be a couple onsite.”
“I’ll send Cooper and Madison,” he said.
“That’s a negative. It has to be you and your wife. And Shep, until you’re onsite and I make contact with you, you can’t tell anyone, including your wife, that I contacted you today.”
Shepherd knew it must be a really important mission with the conditions Mac was putting on it. “I understand,” he said. “I’ll think about it. I can’t commit without more info.”
“Only you and I are trusted for this mission. As I said, it’s important, and you will surely agree when you get the details. That’s the only info I can give at this time. It’s critical that it’s handled this way. Your wife is inexperienced. Her reactions cannot be anything but genuine.”
Shepherd breathed out heavily. He really hated this.
He hated that he’d be lying to Diana, which he didn’t do.
She was completely trustworthy. But Mac was right.
She was not experienced, and if perceptions were vital to the success of the mission, she may not be able to respond organically as she would if she didn’t know the truth.
“Is this in the interests of the U.S. government?”
“Yes, very much so. As I said, this mission has the backing of the State Department. Your involvement is critical to its success.”
“Understood. Have the invitation presented to my wife.”
“Thank you, Shepherd.”
“One more thing, Mac. You need to contact Yvette.”
“I will when this is over,” he promised. “No one can know I am coming to the area.”