CHAPTER 10
Zara
Three weeks ago, Zara had gone to the doctor. They’d run tests, taken her blood, and told her that everything would be fine. When the test results had come back, though, they’d sent her to a different doctor, who’d run more tests and told her that everything would not be fine.
“I’m afraid, we’re dealing with stage four. It’s metastatic, and it’s spread,” the oncologist had told her.
“But I’ve felt perfectly fine until recently. Maybe a cold here and there, but that’s it. I haven’t even felt overly tired or anything like that.”
“We’re not out of options yet. There are just fewer of them, Zara.”
“I’m going to die?”
“I can give you the numbers, but I’d rather discuss treatment options to at least try to slow the growth.”
“How long?”
“It doesn’t work like that. We don’t like to–”
“Please,” she had interjected.
“About a thirty-percent survival rate for five years.”
“So, I’m thirty percent likely to live until I’m forty-five?”
“Yes, but it depends on many factors, and it’s the average. You could be on the high end and–”
“But I could also be on the low end?”
“I am concerned with how quickly you’ve started to feel poorly. You need to get into treatment as soon as possible.”
“But it won’t stop it?”
“Not likely, no. It’s spread too far. We can slow down the growth and give you more time, potentially, but we have to see how you respond.”
“Chemo?”
“A combination of treatments would be best.”
“But I’d feel worse?” Zara had asked.
“There are side effects, yes,” the woman had told her. “I’ll review everything with you to ensure you’re comfortable with the course of treatment before we begin, but, Zara, you need to begin today. I will find room for you. You can’t wait even another day.”
“Chemo, radiation, and probably more, too, right?”
“Yes.”
“I have a friend who’s gone through that in her early thirties.
She had stage one, but she’s been in remission ever since, thankfully.
I was told by my doctor a few years ago that I was a low risk for breast cancer.
No one in my family has had it. I don’t think anyone in my family has had any kind of cancer going back to my grandparents, at least.”
“Zara, I’m sorry. I know this is shocking, and you need to process and work through it, but we should begin treatment. Can we focus on reviewing that right now? I’ll answer any questions you have.”
“How much time do you think I have? Not averages or what the studies or journals or whatever tell you.”
“Zara, I don’t like to give timelines. It’s so different for every patient. It’s dangerous for us to try to predict something like this.”
“But you’ve seen my test results,” she’d argued.
The doctor had sighed and clasped her hands over her desk.
“When you had a mammogram two years ago, nothing showed in the scans.”
“I skipped it last year. I got busy,” Zara had added.
“Yes. I don’t know if we would’ve seen it then, but it’s possible. What I can tell you is that we ran tests three weeks ago and last week, and it’s fast-moving. At this rate, it’s possible we’re looking at six months to a year. Maybe less.”
“So, less, really? You just don’t want to say it?”
Zara hadn’t started treatment that day. The thought of being in more pain than she was now until the end of her life hadn’t been something she’d been interested in.
What she had been interested in was talking to Arwen.
She knew it was selfish and not fair to Arwen to finally tell her how she felt and to die shortly after, but she had wasted too much time.
She’d known for years and hadn’t said anything, and now, if she were lucky, she’d have a year left; a little longer if she sought treatment and it stopped the spread, but she wouldn’t be able to do anything, and that wasn’t what she wanted.
She wanted to tell Arwen how she felt, experience at least one date with her, make love with her at least once, and finally be with the woman she loved for whatever time she had left.
She hadn’t told Arwen how she felt yet, and the one time she’d gotten up the courage, Iro had joined their booth.
Now, Zara was out on a walk by her apartment because she couldn’t just sit around, watching TV or scrolling through social media, thinking about Arwen and Iro on their date.
She needed fresh air and to try to figure out what to do.
Then, she saw them. They were standing outside the vegan restaurant that Zara wanted to take Arwen to, but every time she had tried to make a reservation, she’d been told they were all booked out for the next six months.
She might not even have six months now, and it no longer mattered because Arwen and Iro were there.
They were kissing, and Zara’s heart plummeted because it was over. She’d missed her shot.
“Hello,” someone said next to her.
Zara turned around and saw a woman with long brown hair, pushed back from her pale face, staring at her.
“Hello,” she replied. “Do you need directions or something?” she asked, thinking the woman was probably a tourist, even though this wasn’t a tourist part of town.
“I do not,” she replied and held out her hand for Zara to shake. “My name is Cassia. And I can see you were staring at those two women over there.”
“Oh, no. I was just… thinking of going to the restaurant. I’m hungry.”
“Me too,” Cassia said. “For something other than food.”
Zara wasn’t sure what she meant at first, but the woman’s eyebrow lifted, and she got it then.
“Oh,” she said.
“Is one of those women your girlfriend or something?” Cassia asked.
“What? No. I–”
“Are you single or otherwise up for a little fun?”
“Yes. I mean, I’m single, but–”
“A drink, perhaps?” Cassia asked. “To calm the nerves? What’s your name?”
“Zara, but–”
“Beautiful name. I would love to buy you a drink, Zara. There’s a bar at the end of this block.”
“I should be getting home.”
“I’m coming on too strong. I understand. I get that a lot. I thought maybe you’d be interested in a drink, and if you like me enough after that, a little fun. But if you’re not interested in the fun after, why not a free drink, at least?”
Zara thought about it for a moment, turned back to see that Iro and Arwen were gone now, and decided that yes, she could use a little fun.
And if it couldn’t be with the woman she loved, why not with a beautiful stranger who was clearly laying out what she wanted?
Hell, Zara hadn’t had sex in a long time, and she hardly had enough energy to get through the workday right now.
She wouldn’t have enough energy to have sex at all for much longer, and then, she’d be gone.
“Yes, to the drink,” she said. “We’ll see about that other thing, though. I don’t know.”
“Of course,” Cassia replied as if knowingly.
Zara wanted to correct her assumption that the night would end how Cassia thought, but she honestly couldn’t.
◆◆◆
“Now, she’s going on dates and making out with this woman she just met, and I’m sitting there trying to tell her how I feel, and I can’t. I waited too long.”
“What makes you think they will last? It was a first date tonight, right? That hardly means they’ll fall in love and live happily ever after,” Cassia said.
Zara took a sip of her gin and tonic and said, “I haven’t ever seen Arwen like this before. She’s smitten. They’re probably having sex right now, and I’ve lost my chance.”
“Oh, I doubt that.” Cassia chuckled. “The woman I saw your Arwen with looked like one of those old-fashioned types. I bet she’ll want to wait a few dates before they do that. Is your Arwen a first-date kind of woman when it comes to sex?”
“Not usually, but she seems hypnotized by this woman.”
“Yes, I can believe that,” Cassia replied and took a drink of her white wine.
Zara finished her third gin and tonic and watched Cassia’s hand go into the air, signaling to the waiter to bring her another.
“Oh, I can’t. I’m already drunk,” Zara said.
“You’re dealing with a broken heart. That’s allowed,” Cassia suggested. “Now, you said you’ve lost your chance, but once this fleeting attraction dies down, I’m sure you’ll be able to tell this Arwen how you feel.”
“That’s the thing: I won’t be able to. I was being selfish, and this is my punishment. It’s karma. I have to watch her fall in love with someone else.”
“What do you mean, you were being selfish?”
“I was diagnosed with cancer. It’s bad. I probably won’t make it through the year; maybe even have only a few months to live.
What is wrong with me that I chose now as the time to tell Arwen that I love her?
What if she’d loved me back? I’d put her through hell for nothing.
She’d be miserable. I’m her best friend.
It’s already going to hurt her enough when I die.
So, yes, I was selfish. This is my punishment.
Seeing her kiss another woman like she never wants to kiss anyone else is a punishment. ”
“You’re dying?” Cassia asked as Zara’s fourth drink arrived in front of her, as if out of nowhere.
“Yes. Still want to have sex with me? I’ll probably pass out after this drink and have no energy anyway.”
“I would love to have sex with you, Zara. I have a car that can take us to my place. It’s just outside.
I’ll even happily make it all about you.
I love making a beautiful woman come, Zara.
You would be no exception to that. If you want to down that drink and let me make you come all night long, that would be fine by me.
If you want to leave without taking another sip so you can maybe fuck me, too, that would be even better. ”
“You certainly are direct, aren’t you?” Zara said, lifting the drink to her lips before she set it back down, now empty.
“I’ve never seen any point in not speaking my wants and needs out loud.
Why keep what I want from the woman I want it from, when I can simply tell her, and if she wants the same thing, we can have it.
” Cassia paused and stared into Zara’s eyes.
“And by how quickly you finished your drink, I do have my answer about what you want,” she said with a smirk. “I’ll get the check. Do not move.”
Cassia stood up and walked to the bar, where she waved the bartender down and motioned for him to bring the check.
Zara knew she was drunk. The slurring would start soon, if it hadn’t already, without her notice.
She would need help getting to Cassia’s car, and Cassia was a stranger.
She should not be going home with a stranger.
She shouldn’t be having sex with a stranger.
She planned to turn Cassia down and ask for a ride home only, but the image of Arwen holding on to Iro outside of the restaurant appeared in her mind, and when Cassia came over and told her that they were all paid up, Zara stood and knew she wouldn’t be asking for that ride home.