15. Violence
VIOLENCE
ORRI
B lood. I guess that's all I'll ever be good for. All I can ever contribute to this world.
Just terrible, wanton violence.
I rip into yet another creature, watching as its innards spray the ground.
Blood and battle are all I have. All I've ever had, even when I hit rock bottom. And if this isn't it, it feels pretty damn close.
It's been a week since I left Isabella in tears. It tore me apart to do so, but I knew I could never be the mate she needed and deserved. It lodged straight into my heart when she said she'd fallen for me. Haunted me in the middle of the night, so much that I wake up panting, pawing at the sheets for someone who's not there.
But this is how it has to be. Those are the rules.
After all, I'm nothing but a warrior. Guess I was never meant to have a happy ending.
* * *
"Orri, we need to talk." It's Ulfar, Zannah's brother. He remained on the team when she passed, and he's turned into a great hunter. Sometimes his mannerisms remind me of her.
"About what." I scowl into my drink, knocking back the rest of the dregs and wiping my mouth with the back of my hand. "We did our job, didn't we? What more is there?"
"That's not what I'm talking about." Ulfar's voice is stern, serious. "I'm talking about your behavior in the field today."
But that doesn't make sense. I haven't done anything wrong. I've fulfilled every task and every duty he set out for me. More than that, even.
"What about it?" I'm still looking for an exit, trying to remain as disinterested as possible. I don't want to talk about it, especially with Zannah's brother. I’ve been avoiding talking beyond what was necessary to him ever since she died. How could I possibly tell him what was going through my head? How would he ever understand?
Ulfar pulls up a chair next to me. I guess I'm not getting out of this one. "Listen, man. Since when do you have a death wish? I haven't seen you like this since..." He trails off.
"I don't want to talk about it," I grumble. Why can't he get the hint?
Ulfar's gaze flicks to the blade sitting by my side. Specifically, to the blue ribbon tied around the hilt.
Dammit. Should have packed up first.
"All right. All right." Ulfar isn't giving up so easily. "It's a female problem, isn't it? I know that look when I see one."
"Fuck off."
"Then why is her smell still all over you?" He nods at the blade. "And on that ribbon? What's going on, Orri?"
I let out a long, slow breath. Close my eyes. Of course he'd notice the damn ribbon. I didn't even notice it for a couple days after returning to my quarters. Somehow one of Isabella's hair ribbons — or maybe the sash to a dress? Had gotten mixed in with my clothing, and I didn't have the heart to return it to her. She made it clear she never wanted to see me again.
So what was the harm in keeping it? Of having a little something to remember her by?
Besides, her scent calms me. Even when I wake up in the middle of the night, panicking and thinking that something's happened to her, if I can just reach her scent, my body relaxes enough to go back to sleep. It's embarrassing as hell, and no way am I gonna tell Ulfar about all that , so I opt for a different approach:
"I was doing a favor for the ISA. I helped an omega through her heat after her mate died in that raid. That's really all there is to tell."
Ulfar scoffs. He's not buying that either. "Sure. So you're telling me you spent the last few weeks fucking the daylights out of an omega , of all things, and you're still this wound up? Man, I would say you need to get laid, but clearly that didn't help. At all.”
I round on him, suddenly ablaze with emotion. "I would think you of all people would understand!" My hands ball into fists. My voice breaks. "I loved your sister, Ulfar. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. And that was stolen from me, because I couldn't keep my promise. I couldn't protect her when she needed it most. Now here I am whoring myself out to some random female just to feel something again...I don't know what's wrong with me." I bury my face in my hands and let out a groan. "If she was here..."
"If she was here," Ulfar finishes, and his tone is crystal clear, leaving no room for argument. "Then she'd tell you what a fool you're being."
The words hit me like a slap to the face. "How dare you—" My heart's in my throat and fuck it, I don't care if he's my superior, he's gonna pay for that.
"I know my sister, Orri!" His authority looms over me, as if saying 'try me.' "I spent a lot longer with her than you did. You don't think I know my own blood?" His eyes meet mine, and I have to admit that he is right.
I huff out a breath, and after a few heated moments, reason wins out. Maybe I have been blind all this time.
"There's something I need to tell you," Ulfar says. "Something I should have told you a long time ago. I mourned Zannah in my own way, and it didn't feel proper at the time, but..." He shook his head, grimacing. "She came to me, once. Talking about you. Not long before she passed, actually." He rubs the back of his neck and looks away, but presses on. "You thought she was your heart-mate, right?"
A heavy stone of dread drops into my heart and doesn't leave. My mouth goes dry. It's something I always suspected in the darkest regions of my heart, but never wanted to admit...
"She wasn't, Orri." The words seem to echo forever until they fill up every void. "She wasn't your heart-mate. She didn't know how to tell you." He swallows, then puts a hand on my shoulder. "I'm sorry."
Zannah wasn't my heart-mate. The carefully constructed worldview I had, everything I stood for, shatters in an instant. Everything I did — or didn't do, in the case of Isabella — was to honor Zannah's memory and the once-in-a-lifetime connection we had.
Correction: connection I thought we had.
I really was a fool.
"I'm sorry to have to tell you like this," Ulfar says again, and it actually sounds like he means it. "But no one else was going to." He stretches his arms over his head, leaning back in the chair. "It's tough being an alpha sometimes, huh? No one ever wants to call you out when you're wrong."
Wrong . The word tastes so foreign on my lips. My feelings for Zannah were real, but the fantasy of us being heart-mates, of being together forever...
It was only that. A fantasy. And if that was true, then...
"Zannah wouldn't want you to throw away your chance at happiness," Ulfar says, and for the first time, I almost believe him. "And you know as well as I do, she'd be the first person to smack you upside the head for thinking that you were insulting her by finding someone else."
I don't know what to say. My mouth opens and closes, but no words come out. It's like everything inside me's being torn apart and put back together at the same time.
"I know you loved Zannah very much," Ulfar continues. "So did I. And I still miss her every damn day. But she's gone, Orri. As much as it hurts to hear that, she's gone. And it's up to us to make the best life we can. Living in a way that she would be proud of."
I guess I never really thought about it that way. Could I really let go of so many years of grief and guilt? It wouldn't be easy. But when I think about Isabella's smile, or the way she looked at me when she confessed her feelings...
Maybe I have it in me to try.
"This girl," Ulfar says after a long moment. "Do you care for her? Truly?"
That's a loaded question if I ever heard one. But with clear eyes I now see the truth. "Yes. I do."
Ulfar gives me a knowing smile. "Then you know what you have to do." He gets up, but not before giving me another reassuring pat on the back. "It's okay to let her go, Orri. It's time to live your life." And with that, he turns and walks away, leaving the door open behind him.
I sit there for a few moments longer, contemplating over my empty glass. Now that no one's here to see, tears spring up at the edges of my eyes. Everything I thought I had. Everything I thought I stood for.
With a sniff, I drew myself up onto my feet.
It was time to turn over a new leaf.
And that would start by winning Isabella back. I had to tell her how I felt, once and for all. ISA match or not. Because I can't bear to live another life full of regrets.