9
Nicole
Zoe arrived home like a whirlwind. She dropped her schoolbag in the living room and flung her arms around Nicole without a moment of hesitation.
“I can’t believe you’re here.”
At least someone was pleased to see her, Nicole thought as she hugged her back.
The hug felt so good she was glad she’d given in to Milly’s entreaties to stay.
She’d spent the rest of the day worried that she should have gone through with her plan, but now that Zoe and Milly were home she was pleased she hadn’t left.
“I can’t believe how you’ve grown.”
She eased away and studied Zoe, taking in her smooth skin and clear, direct gaze. “Look at you.”
She felt a pang. Milly’s child. She remembered holding Zoe as a baby and wondering how anyone could handle being responsible for something so helpless. But Milly hadn’t seemed at all worried by that side of things.
Milly adored motherhood. Right from the beginning that much had been obvious.
“I haven’t told anyone you’re staying, I promise.”
Zoe smiled awkwardly. “My friends would freak out if they knew, though. They all love you.”
“They love the roles she plays on the screen.”
Milly retrieved Zoe’s bag and put it on a chair so that they didn’t trip over it. “They don’t love her. They don’t know her.”
“You know what I mean.”
Zoe grabbed a banana from the bowl on the table and peeled it. “I’m starving. What’s for dinner?”
“Caesar salad. And I think it’s important to make the distinction, that’s all,”
Milly said. “Nicole isn’t the characters she plays.”
“I know that! I’m not ten years old.”
Zoe rolled her eyes, in that moment looking every bit the teenager. She finished the banana and disposed of the skin.
“Zoe still wants to follow in your footsteps and be an actor,”
Milly said to Nicole. “All advice welcome, I’m sure. Apologies in advance if she bombards you with questions.”
Zoe gave a small shrug. “Actually, I’m not sure I do want to be an actor anymore. I might do something else.”
Milly looked confused. “Like what?”
“I don’t know. Computer engineering maybe?”
“But you love drama,”
Milly said. “It’s your favorite thing. She’s playing the part of Hermia in A Midsummer Night’s Dream, Nicole. I noticed that it’s streaming at the moment. You and Nicole could watch it together, and she could talk to you about the part.”
“Nicole won’t want to do that, Mum. It’s boring. I’m going to change, then I’ll help you cook.”
“But—”
Milly started, but Zoe had already left the room, the sound of her feet on the stairs echoing through the boathouse. Milly stared after her, a worried frown on her face. “That was strange. I assumed she’d be talking nonstop about the play. She was so excited when she got the part. She auditioned for it because she watched you play the role so many times.”
“Maybe she just felt awkward talking about it.”
“Maybe.”
Nicole gazed at the door Zoe had just sprinted through. She was relieved Zoe hadn’t asked for advice on acting because her advice at the moment would be Don’t do it. “I can’t believe how grown-up she seems. I remember giving her dress-up clothes when she was four.”
“I know. It’s unsettling how fast time passes.”
Milly grabbed a loaf of sourdough, cut a few thick slices and then hacked it into rough chunks. “One minute she’s lining up her soft toys on the bed, and the next she’s talking about the patriarchy. It gives me whiplash.”
“She’s wonderful, Milly. So bright and confident. I don’t remember us being so sure of ourselves. Were we?”
“I don’t know. I can’t remember that far back. Come and talk to me while I cook. One of the advantages of this heat wave is that we can eat on the deck.”
Milly paused. “Unless you’d rather not sit outside?”
The urge to hide away was powerful, but she fought it hard.
“It’s not overlooked. It will be nice to eat with a view of the lake. I love your deck. I particularly love your porch swing.”
She watched as Milly removed a stack of ingredients from the fridge. “What can I do?”
“Nothing. Just sit there and talk to me while I prepare. Glass of wine?”
Nicole shook her head. “I don’t drink.”
“Since when? You were drinking when we visited you last.”
Nicole remembered precisely when. “I decided I wanted to be healthier.”
It wasn’t the truth, but it could have been, and fortunately Milly didn’t question it.
She walked back to the fridge and pulled out a jug. “Homemade lemonade? It’s beautifully refreshing in this weather.”
Milly added ice to three glasses and poured the lemonade.
“Delicious.”
Nicole decided not to think about the sugar content for once. At this point, did it even matter? “How has Zoe been about Richard?”
Just saying the words made her heart hammer her chest, but she knew she had to ask, even though she wasn’t sure she wanted to hear the answer. It was a question she should have asked a long time ago.
“Hard to say.”
Milly tossed the chunks of bread in olive oil and herbs and tipped them onto a baking sheet. “Mostly she seems to be handling it, but you never know what is going on underneath. I think she protects me, and I protect her. Which means we don’t have too many honest conversations about it. But she has good friends, which makes me feel better about the whole thing. If there’s something she feels she can’t talk to me about, hopefully she’ll be talking to them.”
“Like we did.”
Milly added a few more herbs. “Like we did. This reminds me of that time we stayed with you in LA and you didn’t want to go out to eat because someone always recognized you, so I cooked in your kitchen. You didn’t know where anything was kept, and most of your pans were unused.”
Nicole laughed. “I remember that time too. You complained that my knives weren’t sharp enough.”
But what she really remembered wasn’t Milly creating magic in her kitchen with its ocean view but what happened afterward. On the terrace. She pushed that memory aside and leaned in to take a closer look at the sourdough. “That looks amazing. Is that from the local bakery?”
“Only if you count me as the local bakery. I make it. Which I shouldn’t, because baking isn’t doing anything for my waistline. But it does a lot for my stress levels, and that’s my priority.”
Milly slid the chunks of bread into the oven. “You probably don’t want carbs, and that’s fine. I can serve yours without.”
Nicole’s stomach rumbled for the first time in weeks. “I’ll eat whatever you’re having. And I know it will be better than anything I’d have in a top restaurant.”
Milly removed chicken breasts from the fridge and heated some oil in a pan. “Do you really never cook for yourself?”
“Mostly I order room service.”
“I mean when you’re at home.”
Nicole watched as Milly rubbed the chicken with oil and herbs.
“I haven’t spent a single night in my home since the intruder. I’ve been living in hotels.”
She’d expected Milly to look shocked, but she hadn’t expected to see the sympathy.
“That must have been hard.”
Nicole shrugged. “They were pretty nice hotels, and I was on location most of the time anyway, so it’s not as dramatic as it sounds.”
“But you should feel safe in your own home. I’m starting to understand why you’re so jumpy.”
“That’s me. Jumpy. Does Zoe cook with you?”
“Yes, when she is around. There’s something about preparing food side by side that is conducive to conversation.”
“You were the same with your mother and Nanna Peg. Remember when we used to make cupcakes?”
Nicole felt a rush of warm memories. “How is Nanna Peg?”
“She’s great. She’s staying with my mother at the moment while her roof is fixed, but she’s hardly ever there. She hikes with a group four times a week.”
Milly adjusted the heat under the pan and added the chicken. “We could do that if you like?”
“You’re suggesting we hike with eighty-year-olds?”
Nicole smiled at the thought and Milly laughed too.
“That wasn’t what I had in mind, but it would be interesting. Alternatively we could pick a quiet trail where no one will see you.”
Nicole was tempted, but she knew that this brief thaw in their friendship might not last once she’d said everything that needed to be said. “Let’s see how things go.”
She watched as Milly fried chicken breasts, rinsed salad leaves and mixed a dressing.
“So are you and Joel . . .”
She let the sentence hang, and Milly glanced at her.
“What?”
“Together. You obviously know each other well. You don’t have to answer that if you don’t want to.”
“Together? You mean romantically?”
Milly laughed and turned her attention back to the chicken. “No. There’s nothing romantic between us. I mean, he’s great. I’m fond of him. But he’s more like a brother. And honestly, the last thing I want or need is more emotional complication. I can’t handle any more rejection.”
Nicole could sympathize with that sentiment, but it made her want to strangle Richard.
She wanted to find out more about how Milly was coping, but at that moment Zoe reappeared.
“Something smells good. Is it nearly ready? I’m starving.”
“You’re always starving,”
Milly said. “Can you check the croutons for me?”
Zoe opened the oven and sniffed. “Mm. They smell delicious.”
“Give them a shake and check they’re not burning.”
Zoe grabbed an oven glove, pulled out the tray and shook it. “They look fine. Five more minutes.”
“Enough time for you to lay the table. We’re eating outside. Do you have homework?”
“Yes, but I can do it after we’ve eaten. How about you? How was work?”
Zoe grabbed cutlery and plates from the cupboard. “How did the interviews go? Did you find anyone good?”
“One person. It all helps. You know how short-staffed we are.”
“I can help on the weekend if you like.”
“That’s thoughtful of you, but I’m sure we’ll manage. Won’t you be seeing Cally?”
“Not sure if she’s around.”
Nicole watched the two of them together, envying the ease of their interaction and their close bond. She’d never had that sort of relationship with her mother. The only person she’d ever felt that close to was Milly.
Her life was so busy, so demanding, that it was only in the past few weeks that she’d realized how lonely she was.
She had no one. And being part of this family, even if it was only for a short time, made her question her life.
They sat round the table on the deck, enjoying the food and conversation. The breeze created ripples on the surface of the water, and the air was fresh and clean.
It was all very relaxed and easy until Zoe asked Nicole what role she was playing next.
That question was difficult to answer, so Nicole simply smiled, grateful for her acting ability.
“I’m taking a short break. Still weighing up my options. How about you? Congratulations on getting that part in A Midsummer Night’s Dream. You’re going to be brilliant! How’s it going?”
“Okay, thanks.”
Zoe ate quickly and then put her fork down. “I need to do my homework. I’ll leave you two to catch up, and I’ll see you later.”
Milly frowned. “But you haven’t seen Nicole in ages and—”
“It’s fine,”
Nicole said. “We’ll have plenty of time to catch up, I’m sure.”
Zoe carried her empty plate into the kitchen, leaving the two of them alone.
Nicole finished her drink. “Why are you looking so worried?”
“Because that’s not like her. Normally she’d be firing questions at you about Hollywood and acting. Usually it’s all she talks about.”
Milly topped up Nicole’s glass. “Sorry. Ignore me. It’s just that something isn’t quite right with her at the moment, and I can’t work out what it is.”
“Have you asked Richard if he knows?”
“No. I should probably do that. Anyway, enough of my anxieties. If you want to tell me why your next project is a sensitive subject, then I’m listening.”
Nicole finished her salad. “You don’t miss a thing, do you?”
“I’ve known you a long time.”
Milly pushed her plate away. “Maybe this is the part where you tell me why you’re here. A few bad news headlines have never made you run before.”
“It’s complicated.”
How much should she say? “I’ve been dropped from my next movie because they didn’t appreciate the negative publicity. Which feels unjust, given that none of it is my fault and that Justin is about to film his biggest role ever. His reputation is fine, of course. If anything, it has been enhanced.”
Milly looked irritated. “But you’re a huge star! How can they do that?”
“Justin’s wife is close to the head of the studio, so I assume she has influence. Whatever. It doesn’t matter. The way I feel now, I’m relieved that I’m on hiatus.”
“That’s unfair. You don’t deserve it.”
Nicole laughed. “Since when has life been fair? We all get good and bad, and just because you don’t deserve something doesn’t mean you don’t get dumped with it.”
“But why didn’t he stand up for you?”
Milly took a sip of water. “I suppose that wouldn’t have endeared him to his wife.”
“Exactly. Also, he didn’t care enough.”
She watched as a heron glided past and landed gracefully on a branch at the edge of the lake.
“Tell me about Justin.”
Milly put the glass down. “Were you in love with him?”
Justin. She’d been trying not to think about it, but maybe now was the time. And she owed Milly some sort of explanation.
“I thought I was. For the first time ever. But now I’m wondering if I just wanted to be in love. If I wanted something more permanent. Something that had meaning.”
Loneliness had caused her to lower her guard. “I didn’t break up his marriage, whatever the papers may say.”
She added that because she was aware this was a sensitive topic in the circumstances, but when she looked at Milly she saw no judgment.
“What happened?”
There was no reason not to tell the whole truth, about this part at least.
And maybe it would be good to talk about it instead of keeping it all inside.
“Justin and I have known each other for a while. We’ve done a couple of movies together over the years. Always got on well. He’s smart and funny. A nice guy.”
Nicole paused. She’d thought he was a nice guy, but was he really? “The chemistry was there right from the start, but we never did anything about it because he was married. But then there was one night when we were filming and he just wasn’t himself. We couldn’t get the scene right. And it was a tough one because it was raining and we were freezing, so in the end we took a break and went back to the trailer to warm up. I asked him if something was wrong, and he told me he’d just found out his wife was having an affair. I was shocked because they were supposed to have one of the most solid and envied marriages in Hollywood, but it turns out that was a sham. She’d had at least two affairs that he knew about, but each time he’d forgiven her and taken her back because he cared about her. But she killed that. He told me that there was no way he was taking her back this time. It was over.”
Milly listened closely. “But no one suspected?”
“They’re both actors. They made sure they were seen together all the time and were appropriately loving.”
“So you—”
“No, not then. Through the whole shoot, we were just friends. I provided a listening ear. And I’d never really been friends with a guy before. Not like that. I’m not that great at trusting, as you know.”
Milly nodded. “When did it turn into more than friends?”
“Filming took about six months, and it was intense and claustrophobic. By the end of it we were sharing every meal together and hanging out whenever we weren’t on set. And then one night it became something more. I don’t know who made the first move—”
Nicole frowned as she thought back “—Yes, I do. It was him. We were in his trailer, talking and sharing a bottle of wine when he leaned in and kissed me. And the weird thing was we’d kissed before on set, plenty of times, but this was different.”
“So that was it? That was the moment?”
Nicole shook her head. “I was wary. I don’t have a great track record, as you know, and I could feel myself falling for him. I liked him. And I was scared that he’d go back to his wife. But he said there was no way. That it was over. He’d never had an affair before. Despite everything, he’d stayed faithful. And when he told me that it made what we had seem all the more special. And the more he told me about his marriage, the more I believed that it really was over. They hadn’t had sex for over a year.”
She flushed. “Promise me you won’t sell that juicy fact to the press.”
Milly sighed. “Nic—”
“I know, I know—you would never do a thing like that. Why isn’t everyone in the world like you? It would be a better place.”
She finished her lemonade, wishing in that moment that it was wine. “Anyway, I believed him. More fool me, as it turned out. But we were together for almost a year, and it was blissful. Not together the whole time of course, because by then I was working on something different and so was he, but we used to fly to meet each other and have these amazing weekends. We had a trip to Rome and had a midnight trip around the Colosseum wearing wigs and glasses and pretending to be Spanish tourists. I thought he was the one. I thought I’d finally found someone who was going to be in my life forever.”
Saying it aloud sounded so stupid now.
Milly reached across the table and took her hand. “What happened?”
“There were photographs. His wife saw them. Turned out that he really had been faithful up until that point—he was honest about that—but seeing him with someone else shook her up. I think it made her realize that she was going to lose him. She didn’t want to lose him. She decided she wanted him back.”
She felt Milly’s hand tighten on hers, and the comfort of knowing that someone cared, that she wasn’t alone with everything, was almost overwhelming. She’d missed their connection so much. “She confronted me in the restaurant as if I was some sort of evil seducer and she was the wronged wife. It was truly awful. And of course someone filmed it, because everyone films everything these days.”
She often relived that moment, the deep humiliation and the devastation.
“And Justin decided he wanted to stay with her? After two affairs?”
“It was more than two.”
Nicole rubbed tears from her cheeks. She hadn’t even known she was crying. “But yes, he decided he wanted to stay with her. So that was that.”
It wasn’t quite all of it, but it was enough for now.
“You poor thing. No wonder you’re feeling raw.”
Milly was still holding her hand, offering comfort as generously as she would have done when they were children.
“You probably think I deserve it because he was married.”
“No one deserves to get their heart broken, Nic. Life is complicated. He led you to believe his marriage was over, and you believed him.”
Nicole felt a rush of love for her friend. And although a part of her knew that Milly wouldn’t have been so warm and accepting if she’d known what Nicole wasn’t telling her, she ignored it. “It’s over now, anyway. Done.”
“When you called me you said you were desperate. What tipped you over the edge?”
“The press wouldn’t leave me alone. Everywhere I went, I had a camera pointed at me. That incident in my home shook me up. I was scared in hotels. I didn’t trust anyone. I needed somewhere quiet and safe to think, and I couldn’t think of anywhere else. I called you.”
“I’m glad you called me. And I’m glad you’re here.”
“Really?”
Nicole put her free hand on top of Milly’s so that they were joined across the table. “You mean that?”
Something softened in Milly’s eyes. “Yes, I do.”
The relief was indescribable, but it was threaded with guilt. “I wasn’t there for you when you needed me, and I thought—”
“Why weren’t you? Tell me why. Help me understand.”
The question caught her off guard.
Nicole felt the breath trap in her throat. From the moment Milly had picked her up from the railway station she’d known this moment would come, but now it was here and she wasn’t ready.
She should simply tell the truth, but their relationship was still tender and vulnerable, and she was afraid that if she did that, what they had might be destroyed forever. She couldn’t take that risk. Their friendship meant too much to her. If the last few months had taught her anything, it was that.
“I was in a bad place.”
That much was true. “Things were difficult.”
“But then, why didn’t you reach out to me?”
There was a small furrow of confusion between Milly’s brows. “Since when haven’t we done that?”
“You had enough problems. And I was barely holding it together. I sort of retreated. It was a survival thing.”
There was more. So much more, but she wasn’t ready to divulge that. “But you’ve heard my sad story. Now I want to hear yours.”
For a moment she thought Milly might linger on the topic of their estrangement, but her friend sighed and eased her hands away.
“Mine is nowhere near as glamorous as yours. But if you think you were a fool, you should try being me. When Richard said he was working late and traveling, I believed him.”
There was so much she wanted to say, but Nicole forced herself to just listen.
Milly glanced toward the house to check there was no sign of Zoe. “It had been going on for six months before he told me. Six months. And I didn’t know. Can you believe that? I felt like such an idiot.”
“Milly—”
“No, don’t say anything. There’s nothing to be said. I should have guessed, but I was busy getting on with what I thought was our shared life, and I didn’t notice that my husband was contorting himself into various positions with Avery that clearly had nothing to do with yoga.”
“Do you still love him?”
Nicole held her breath as she waited for the answer.
“I don’t think so, although it’s complicated because of Zoe. You can’t completely sever a relationship when you have a child. I remember how broken up I was after my dad walked out, and I don’t want Zoe to feel that. I want her to know we both love her, and just because we’ve decided that we can’t continue being married, our relationship with her will never change.”
Nicole felt an ache in her chest because she knew it wasn’t Milly who had decided that, it was Richard. “You’re a wonderful mother. Zoe is lucky to have you.”
“It’s not all roses, I can tell you. Being a single mother can be lonely and a bit scary. Like just now when she suddenly announces she wants to be a computer engineer when all she’s wanted to do since she was four years old is act. I know something’s wrong, but I’ll just have to wait until she’s ready to talk to me. And in the meantime I barely recognize Richard. He’s—”
Milly stopped in mid-sentence. “Never mind.”
Nicole nodded. “You’re afraid that if you say what you really think, Zoe might hear you. You can tell me another time, when Zoe is at school.”
“Good idea. We’ll go to the top of a mountain and yell loudly.”
“That sounds therapeutic.”
It really did, but best of all was the promise of spending time together. Of trying to find their way back to the friendship they’d both taken for granted for so many years.
“I need to put Richard behind me, and you need to put Justin behind you.”
Milly raised her glass in the air. “To moving on.”
Nicole toyed with her glass but didn’t raise it. After everything that had happened, she couldn’t bring herself to toast anything. “That’s an admirable sentiment.”
“But?”
Milly put her glass down, her gaze fixed on Nicole’s face. “You’re not still hoping the relationship will work out, are you? Because he’s already—”
“No.”
It was a shock to realize just how much she hated thinking about Justin when only a couple of months ago thinking about him had been her favorite pastime. “I’m not hoping for that. It’s over. Done.”
“Then, why can’t you forget about him? Why can’t you just move on?”
Nicole stared across the lake and swallowed hard. “Because I’m pregnant. You asked me what tipped me over the edge. Why I called you. That’s the main reason. I’m having his baby. By myself. And yes, it’s lonely and scary, and also more than a little complicated.”