Chapter 22
C HAPTER 22
I didn’t take any medication for the flight to Dubrovnik either. I was fueled entirely by my desperation to get to him. As quickly as possible. By my need to see him. Grovel. To get on my knees and tell him what an idiot I was.
What if he rejected me now? What if what I was offering was too little too late?
Those old fears manifested inside of me. It was just so easy to fall back into that space.
It was just so easy to let old fears rise up to the surface.
I wasn’t going to let them take hold of me.
When I got to the airport, I collected my single bag, and tried to bolster myself as I got a car. His mom had been so sweet.
I didn’t even realize she knew who I was. But she did. Because Ryan talked about me a lot, apparently.
The way that his love for me spilled over into other places in his life left me in awe.
I told her that I had made a mistake.
She said that was up to the two of us to solve.
She said she wouldn’t tell him I was coming.
I was grateful to her. Because I wasn’t sure I deserved that level of support.
But I was just taking it. All of the things that I didn’t deserve. All of the things that I needed, regardless of whether or not I had earned them.
Because I had spent my whole life feeling like I wasn’t enough. And now I was just having to accept the fact that maybe I wasn’t on my own. But I didn’t need to be. Because I had people who cared about me. And they were what made everything work. They were what made life so beautiful.
They were what made me complete.
I just had to get to Ryan. I needed him.
Maybe I would be living out of hotels for a while. If he would have me. I really wanted him to have me. I really wanted to have him.
I wanted everything.
I had been so convinced it was something nobody got to have, but I wanted it. Because he’d loved me from the beginning. Through everything. He’d been there the whole time and I was the one who hadn’t seen it.
I was the one who’d had it all right there all along.
I took a breath and walked into the lobby. I couldn’t believe it. He was there. That same black backpack on, those clothes that I associated with his treks out and about with his camera. His dark hair messy, like he had run his fingers through it multiple times.
“Hi . . .”
He looked stunned. I might as well have walked up to him and kissed him. Or slapped him.
“Hi,” I said.
“You can’t be here,” he said. “You’re supposed to be in Pineville. And you hate flying.”
“I do hate flying,” I said. “I really hate it. And I really like to know everything that’s going to happen before it happens. I don’t want to be dependent on one person. I like to be in control of my surroundings, and I like everything to be familiar. I was happy to stay in a relationship that didn’t thrill me. Happy to stay with a man who is insecure. Who I made insecure, because I kept him with me even though I didn’t love him. Even though I couldn’t love him, because my heart belonged to two other things.”
“Two things?” he asked, his voice rough.
“Yes,” I said. “Two. I am so acquainted with my trauma. I can name it, I can talk about it at length. We’ve had those discussions. But I made the mistake of thinking that just because I could talk about it, that meant I was managing it. I went and saw my mother. I was looking for some answers. I was looking for a magic word. That would finally mean I could understand what she did, or what was wrong with me. So I could finally get the key and just get over it.”
“And did you?”
“No,” I said. “ Isn’t that wild? There is no answer. And there’s nothing wrong with me. Just like there’s nothing wrong with you. We aren’t broken at all, Ryan. But we are made by the people who let us go and the people who held onto us. And it really has to be fate that brought us together. But we also get to choose. We have to choose. And I’ve come to another conclusion. One I don’t especially like.”
“What’s that, Poppy?”
“Love is scary. It’s Shark Week, Ryan. Maybe that’s why we’re all so fascinated by it. You can’t care about some thing or some one with the whole of your being and not risk something. Because the idea of losing something that means everything to you is scary. And if it isn’t, then something is wrong with you. I decided it didn’t have to be. I took that relationship with Josh, and I made it into something I could control, and something I wasn’t that afraid to lose.” I wiped a tear away from my cheek. “But that isn’t love. I knew that I had to stop prizing my safety above everything else. Because it’s actually the biggest thing standing in the way of my happiness. I love you.”
It was the most terrifying thing I had ever said. I said those words before, of course. But they hadn’t come from a place this deep inside of me. They hadn’t meant half so much.
“I can’t . . . I can’t stay the same,” I continued. “I already changed too much. I got home and it wasn’t what I wanted. It wasn’t what I expected. You weren’t there. It’s always been you.”
He moved to me and wrapped his arm around my waist, pulled me up against his body, and that was when I felt it. That immediate relief.
I was home. In Dubrovnik. Somehow. Because I was in his arms. And that was all that mattered.
“Do you love your bakery?” he asked.
“I loved my gran. I really want to do wedding planning. Where I help with the whole theme. The whole design. I can actually do a lot of that virtually. Pineville could be our base, but I can travel with you. We can both have our careers. And yes, I’m going to have to build this. I’m going to have to step outside my comfort zone. But I need to do that too. I’m finally tired of just being safe. I want everything instead.”
He kissed me. And I knew right then it was worth it. That I’d traded safety for love, and I would never look back.
Ever.
“I love you,” he said. “And we might finally heal the rift between our families. Well. I imagine your gran would say that I nefariously seduced you.”
“I would like to think the seduction was mutual.”
He touched my face, and I felt emotion expanding in my chest. I wanted to cry. But for the first time in days, it wasn’t a bad feeling.
“All I ever wanted was a home,” I said. “It’s you now.”
I didn’t have many words. Because I had been so focused on wanting somebody to keep me safe, to make me secure, to make me feel loved, that I had never before appreciated what an amazing thing it would be to be that for someone else.
Suddenly, I saw every side of love. All its bright, brilliant, magical possibility. Because of him.
“I guess I’m a romantic after all,” I said.