Chapter 7 #3
She went into her home office and made herself open the package from the kitchen designer she’d hired to help with the remodel that was at least three years overdue.
She knew she would be grateful for the updated kitchen, but getting there was always so daunting.
She didn’t enjoy the planning, and she loathed the disruption of construction.
She and Milton had a comfortable routine, one she treasured.
Since Victoria had insisted on moving out when she’d turned nineteen, it had just been the two of them.
They’d always been careful to keep their social commitments limited to no more than three a week.
Less if possible. Being with Milton had always been the best part of her day, and in nearly thirty years of marriage, that hadn’t changed.
Now she set the first of three heavy totes on her desk. Inside each was a notebook with color renderings of the suggested
updates to her kitchen with pictures of appliances and plumbing fixtures. There were paint swatches, samples of countertop
material and door handles, along with small versions of the cabinet doors.
She spread it all out, then looked at the pictures of the finished design. It seemed workable, but she wasn’t sure. And asking
Milton wasn’t an option. He would simply smile at her and say he liked what she liked. When it came to the house, he’d always
deferred to her, pointing out that as long as she loved him, he could live anywhere.
She carefully went through the other two totes. At the end of an hour, she was no closer to making a decision than she had
been when she’d started. Finally she just put everything away and promised herself she would figure it out in a few days.
Or next month.
At about five she went into the kitchen to start dinner, but for once her heart wasn’t in the work. She felt oddly heavy,
and there was a sadness she just couldn’t shake. Still, she chopped and sautéed, but when she heard Milton’s car drive into
the garage, she turned off the burners and ran to greet him.
The second his arms closed around her, she felt herself relax. He held her tight, as if he knew she needed him more than usual.
“I checked in with Victoria earlier this afternoon,” he told her after he’d kissed her. “She says she’s doing well.”
“I hope that’s true.”
He stared into her eyes. “I’m worried about you.”
“I’m fine.”
He waited patiently, not speaking. She sighed. “I’m shattered.”
The words surprised her—they hadn’t been what she’d planned to say, but there was no calling them back. But instead of looking
surprised, Milton put his arm around her and led her into the family room. They sat facing each other on the sofa.
“Still?” he asked softly.
“This is a new kind of shattered.” But even as she spoke, she wondered if she was telling the truth. Was it new, or was it
an unwelcome old friend who had haunted her for far too long?
“It was seeing Cindy again,” she admitted. “After all this time, it was a shock.” She remembered staring at the woman she’d
once considered a friend. It had brought everything back to her: their past and how much she’d gone through.
“And seeing Shannon,” Milton added gently. He smiled. “I have trouble thinking of her with that name.”
“Me, too, but that’s how Victoria talks about her.” She tested the name on her tongue. “Shannon. She’s all grown-up.”
“Makes sense. It was bound to happen.”
“But it was supposed to happen with us,” she blurted. “She was supposed to be ours. We’d waited so long. We’d loved her and
Cindy. We’d taken them both into our lives.” She fought against useless tears. There was no point in crying, she told herself.
Nothing to be gained by giving in to emotion, and yet it was all there, fighting to get out.
“I loved her,” she repeated softly.
He put his arm around her, drawing her close. “I did, too.”
“We were so happy on that last trip.” The one they’d almost not taken—but it had been planned.
Their last getaway as a couple before the birth of their beautiful baby girl.
Cindy had laughingly shooed them away when they’d talked about canceling to stay nearby.
She wasn’t due for a couple more weeks, and first babies were notoriously late.
So off they’d gone, for ten days in Hawaii. They’d spent nearly every waking moment talking about how wonderful it would be
when they finally held their daughter. They’d jokingly planned which elite high school they would send her to and which colleges
they wanted to visit with her first. They’d talked about future family trips and how they would have to promise each other
not to spoil her too much.
When they weren’t talking about the baby, they were making love or taking long walks on the beach. The time away had been
so relaxing, so full of hope and promise, so magical. Then the day they’d returned, Cindy’s lawyer had called. Ava had known
instantly that there was something terribly wrong—she’d heard it in the tone of the stranger’s voice, the way he’d paused
before saying her name. She’d nearly collapsed, terrified that something was wrong with the baby—only it hadn’t been that
simple.
“Cindy changed her mind. She wants to keep the baby. I’m sorry. I know you thought . . .” He’d gone silent for a few seconds.
Ava remembered sinking to the floor, unable to breathe or think or speak. The next few seconds were a blur. What she did recall
was begging the man to let her speak to Cindy. They had to talk, she had to understand. But he’d refused and had asked them
not to contact her. Then he’d hung up.
“I never thought she’d change her mind,” she murmured now, safe in the loving arms of her husband. “I knew her. We were friends, and I believed that she trusted us.”
“Her decision wasn’t about us,” he told her, much as he had all those years ago. “It never was. She couldn’t give up her child.
She didn’t set out to hurt us on purpose.”
In her head, Ava knew he was right, but in her heart and down to her bones, she couldn’t believe anything except the depth of her pain.
That had been the only real thing. It had claimed her, taking over her body.
She remembered starting to scream and thinking she would never stop, because as long as she was screaming, as long as she wasn’t thinking or dealing or managing any of it, she didn’t have to believe it was real.
She’d been unable to comprehend that someone she thought of as family, as almost a sister, could do that to her. She’d trusted
Cindy, had been there for her, cared for her. They’d talked about an open adoption with Cindy a part of their daughter’s life.
Ava didn’t care about the things she’d bought, she cared about the broken trust.
“She never hinted,” Ava said now. “Not once. I would have noticed, I would have told you.”
“I know, my love. We both believed in her, and I don’t think we were wrong to trust her.”
“How can you say that? She betrayed us.”
He stroked her cheek. “No. She followed her heart. We’re talking about a mother’s love. It’s one of the most powerful forces
on earth. Once she’d decided to keep her child, we never had a chance.”
After the doctor had come and given her something to knock her out, Ava had stayed in her room for more than two days. Finally
she’d gotten up but only to go into the baby’s room. She’d sat in the dark, holding the tiny clothes they’d already bought
for their precious gift. She’d cried into them, her broken heart bleeding into her chest.
“It’s all come back,” she murmured. “That’s what makes this so difficult. I’m reliving that time again. I wasn’t prepared
for that. You should have seen her. Shannon. She looks so much like Cindy.”
He smiled at her. “You mean she looks so much like you.”
She ducked her head. “She does.” She straightened. “You know I didn’t care about that. I wanted the connection with the birth mother.”
“Yes, I know that.”
“Victoria thinks I only wanted her because we look alike.”
“She’s wrong. When I go see her, I’ll tell her that.”
“I’m not sure she’ll listen to even you. She’s in a bad place.”
“This has been a shock for all of us,” he said.
“Maybe we should have told her about the other baby.” Although Ava wasn’t sure when the topic would have come up, and as her
daughter had grown into a teen, well, calling their relationship volatile was generous.
“She said I didn’t want her,” she admitted. “Not when we first got her. She said it was too soon.” She looked at him. “I didn’t
think she would guess that.”
“Victoria can be intuitive, and it doesn’t take much of a leap to realize we would have been hurting over the loss of Shannon.”
“It was more than that. She knows we went looking for Cindy and her baby, while she was just handed to us.”
Almost literally, she thought. She’d been surprised when one of her regular maids had asked for a meeting. She’d been about
seven months along. Ava had seen she was pregnant and was getting ready to talk about changing her duties to something less
strenuous and asking whether or not she would be back after her maternity leave. But the young woman had tearfully explained
her parents didn’t know about the baby. The father had run off and wanted nothing to do with her. Could Ava and Milton give
her some advice on how to handle the situation? She wanted to give up her baby for adoption. Or were she and Milton interested
in her child?
Ava’s first thought had been that no, she wasn’t.
She didn’t want any random infant—she’d already given her heart only to have it shattered.
But Milton had immediately seen the possibilities.
Not only would they be helping someone, they would have the baby they’d always wanted.
He’d convinced her to accept the offer and had had their lawyer immediately draw up the paperwork.
But Ava had been afraid of another young woman changing her mind, so the second time she hadn’t let herself dream about the
future. She’d held back, refusing to believe the adoption would go through. She’d barely thought about the impending birth
until the day had arrived and the nurse had placed the tiny baby in her arms. But even then, she hadn’t been able to feel
anything but sadness. The wall around her heart had been too thick for even those tiny cries to penetrate. It had been months
until she’d felt the first flicker of genuine love for Victoria. A shameful truth she’d tried to conceal from everyone.
Only somehow, Victoria had sensed it. From the start, she’d responded more to Milton than to her. She’d resisted Ava feeding
her, had cried in her arms, had refused to settle. In secret, Ava had researched failure to thrive and wondered if she was
harming the child they’d waited so long to have.
Over time things had improved. She’d grown to love her stubborn, difficult, energetic little girl. But their bad beginning
still haunted her, and seeing Cindy had brought back all the memories.
“I wasn’t ready,” she whispered. “She was a perfect little girl, and I wasn’t ready.”
“She wasn’t perfect,” Milton said cheerfully. “She was a horror. She never slept, she was colicky and she had those chronic
ear infections. We didn’t sleep more than two hours at a time the entire first year. Even I wondered if we’d made a mistake.”
He was being kind because it was his nature, she thought with gratitude. And because he loved her.
“I let you down,” she added.
“Never.”
“I should have let go of the past more quickly than I did.”
“You feel what you feel.”
“Now I feel unsettled,” she admitted. “I can’t stop thinking about Cindy and Shannon. I have so many questions.”
“You need closure.”
She did, but getting it was impossible. “I wish we could just sit down and talk.”
“Why can’t we?”
She stared at him. “What are you suggesting? That I call Cindy and invite her and Shannon over to talk about the past?”
“Why not?”
“Because it would be so awkward and awful. Plus she would never agree.”
“You don’t know that until you ask her. I’m sure she has questions, as well. She might even be willing to explain what happened.
Let’s invite them to dinner and see what happens. Maybe she’ll surprise you.”
“What about Victoria?”
“She’ll be there, too.”
“I doubt that.”
Milton smiled at her. “She’ll be there, too,” he repeated. “Can you get in touch with Cindy?”
“I’m sure I can find her number.”
He picked up her hand and kissed her knuckles. “Then do it. We’ll all have dinner together. Sunlight is always the best disinfectant,
my love.”
She smiled. “If it’s dinner, then it’ll be dark.”
“We’ll turn on all the lights.”