Otter Heart (Hardwood Beach Boys #2)

Chapter One Adam

O ne hundred men.

I blew out a long sigh. That was the number of men I’d dated since the end of college. Each one of them had the potential to be something special in my life. And each one of them eventually left to find someone else.

The problem was now painfully obvious.

It was me . I was the problem.

Of course, I was hoping that the problem was something simpler. Maybe I needed to work out more or maybe I just had really bad taste in movies. Those were things I could fix, things that had actionable steps to correct. But when it came down to it, nothing was simple. It wasn’t my body, my jokes, or even my dick that drove guys away.

It was just me.

I leaned against the bathroom counter, staring at myself in the mirror and hating everything I saw. If I was ugly, I could just say I had a good personality. But here I was in the best shape of my life, and I’d been told I was an easy eight point five out of ten on the handsome scale. But nobody wanted me.

“Great,” I muttered, burning myself a dirty look. “Now I’m a washed up old twink who’s drowning in self-pity. That’s really gonna draw in Mr. Right.”

Last weekend I celebrated my thirty-third birthday. My boyfriend took me out for drinks with friends. Inevitably, we ended up in a club at some point and he wandered off. I found him making out with one of my friends in a dark corner. Of course, I was upset and when I pulled him aside and confronted him about it, he told me something I’ll never forget.

Are you really so blind that you can’t see what kind of guy you are?

Obviously, I wasn’t expecting to hear that from the man I’d been dating for the past six weeks. What did he mean? What kind of guy was I? Clearly the kind that everyone avoided, judging by my previous track record. Maybe they all thought I was a playboy or an asshole. I really didn’t know because nobody stuck around long enough to tell me.

I really thought he was happy with me. We went on fun dates and had great sex. What else could a person hope for from a relationship? Did he expect me to fall in love with him that fast? Or maybe he thought we’d date, but I’d share him with my circle of friends like he was a frat party fleshlight. I had no fucking clue.

Still, his words hit me like a freight truck, and it took me several minutes to regain my composure after he’d left. I didn’t even look back as I left the club and got a cab home. My thoughts spiraled the entire ride.

What kind of guy was I?

I looked into the mirror again, turning my face from side to side. What was it that people saw in me that drove them away? No matter how hard I looked, I couldn’t find it. I was just a normal dude. Or at least that’s what I thought.

Reaching into my pocket, I pulled out my phone and began to type.

Me: What kind of guy am I?

The phone buzzed a moment later, a message from my best friend flashing across the screen.

Rowan: What? Where did that come from?

Me: Just answer the question !

Rowan: I don’t know, Adam. You’re fun and unserious. You skate through life like it’s easy. Nothing bothers you because you just let it roll off your back and keep going.

Me: Is that good???

Rowan: I think so! I always admired that about you.

Rowan: Why do you ask?

I stood there for a long moment, staring at my phone. I contemplated telling Rowan everything, spilling my guts to him in a sudden torrent of emotional excrement. But just as I started to type, I held down the delete key and cleared it all away. He didn’t need to get mired down by my self-pity.

Me: No reason. How’s things going?

Rowan: Oh you know, just making workout videos and living with James at his apartment. I just released a course for my followers and it’s bringing in a lot of extra cash, which is super nice!

Me: Congratulations! You’re doing so well with all that! I still can’t believe you’re a social media star ;)

Rowan: I feel like I do nothing but lift weights and do pull-ups, but if it pays the bills, I’m happy to do it! And it’s nice to give James whatever he wants too. He’s such a great guy.

Me: Do I hear wedding bells?

Rowan: Not yet ;) But I’ll let you know when. I need you to be my best man, don’t I?

Me: Yeah.

Rowan: Are you sure you’re okay?

Me: Yeah. I’m sure.

I paused again as an idea struck me. It was sort of sudden and maybe a little crazy, but I was feeling vulnerable. Whenever I felt vulnerable, I did things without thinking.

Me: I think I’m going to come down to the cabin.

Rowan: Oh cool! For the weekend?

Me: No.

I took a deep breath to steady my nerves as I typed the rest of my response.

Me: Permanently.

◆◆◆

It took less than a week to get everything approved at work and the paperwork submitted to the apartment leasing office. I was to start full-time remote work on Monday and I was breaking my lease. I’d already dished out the cash and began listing my furniture in an online marketplace. The vultures descended quickly and by the end of the next week, I had nothing left but my clothes, a few keepsakes, and my books. All of which I’d already packed into my car.

I dropped off my keys, texted my friends goodbye, and drove out of the city, heading south along the Lake Michigan coastline. My family thought I was crazy, of course. Who just up and quits their job, sells everything they own, and goes to live in a cabin on the lake at thirty-three? I had my whole life in front of me, so why would I throw it all away?

And honestly, I couldn’t explain it to them. How do you tell everyone in your life that you’re starting over? That you need a blank slate and a new life? And how would I explain that I was doing all of this because I was convinced that I was irreparably broken?

For the past two weeks, I’d been obsessing over the night of my birthday party. I replayed those words over and over in my head, trying desperately to figure out what they meant.

Are you really so blind that you can’t see what kind of guy you are?

I tried texting him, asking him to explain. However, after the third message, my texts began to bounce. He’d blocked me. So now I was stuck with his words in my head and exactly one hundred failed relationship attempts to prove he was right.

How could I argue with that kind of evidence?

Clearly something was wrong with me. I knew I was broken in some way and somehow blind at the same time to my own damage. After agonizing over it, I figured there was only one option.

Reinvention of the self.

It sounded stupid and woo-woo, but that was the only logical conclusion I could come up with. I left everything behind, and I was ready to rebuild myself from the ground up. The only things I was bringing from my old life were my clothes, my car, and my best friend, Rowan. I was going to lean on him and his partner to help me figure it all out. Of course, Rowan agreed to the job happily. That man would do anything for me. I had to admit, I was a little jealous of him and James. They seemed so happy together. But if they could overcome all their own odds, then maybe they could teach me to do the same. Either way, I’d made an oath to myself.

No boys for at least a year.

It felt like a death sentence for my cock. That should’ve been the last thing I was worried about, but I liked sex. A lot. But maybe that was part of the problem. If guys thought I was just playing with them instead of being serious, then maybe I needed to tone that down. Either way, I already had a fleshlight on the way along with a couple cock rings, three bottles of fancy lube, and a small buttplug that I was almost certain I wouldn’t use. I was a top, so putting things in my butt wasn’t really my vibe. But I wanted to be prepared. Maybe my reinvented self would be a bottom. I had no idea.

Honestly, I was so confused by the whole thing that I didn’t know which way was up. Every fucking facet of my personality was on surveillance, and I couldn’t find anything that seemed suspect. Then again, if my ex was right, I wouldn’t see it even if it hit me in the face.

So, fuck my life, I guess, right?

“Stop,” I muttered to myself, taking a right to continue following the coastline south.

I was tired of beating myself up constantly. Maybe I deserved it, but I was still exhausted. I needed something to take my mind off things. Glancing out toward the golden sand giving way to crystalline blue water all the way to the horizon, I had a thought.

Maybe I should visit the beach?

I wasn’t dressed for it, and I was eager to get to the cabin and get unpacked. But at the same time, I’d been in the car nearly all day and the cabin wasn’t going anywhere. It was a gorgeous late June day without a cloud in the sky. The sun was hot as it filtered through the driver’s side window, and I could already feel the sweat gathering around my lower back. A cool dip in the lake, even just a quick one, sounded heavenly.

Besides, it was self-care, right?

A brown sign loomed up in front of me with a white arrow pointing toward the lake.

Hardwood Beach, 1 mile →

I couldn’t help but smirk. It had been a long time since I’d been to Boner Beach. The last time had been the summer before college when my uncle invited the family out for the weekend. I remembered it particularly fondly due to the fact that an extremely cute college boy led me back to his place after a day on the sand and let me fuck him. That was actually the day I lost my virginity.

But that wasn’t going to happen this time. I wasn’t a virgin, and I was sticking to my guns. No boys and no sex until I got myself figured out.

I turned onto the beach road with a sigh. Today would just be swimming and absolutely nothing else.

My life was gonna be really boring for a while.