Chapter Three Adam
I heard the crunching gravel in the driveway before I saw the car. A quick glance out the window showed me that it was Rowan. Not that it would be anyone else unless my mother decided to drive down there for no reason. In which case, I would be very put out. She knew I wasn’t fond of surprise visits. Not that it stopped her.
Going to the front door, I pulled it open and stepped out into the small entryway.
“Hey, Booboo,” I called, waving a hand. “You’re early!”
“I’m right on time!”
“That’s early in gay time,” I smirked, giving him a wink. “I figured you’d be on that by now.”
“Sorry,” he smiled, striding over to me. “Still bi.”
“I’m sure it’s just a phase,” I laughed, pulling him into a hug. “You’ll get over it.”
“You’re such a dick.”
“You know I’m joking, Booboo.” I took a step back, my hand still on his shoulder. “It’s good to see you.”
“You too,” he replied. “I thought you would’ve made another trip down before now. But I’m glad you’re here.”
Another set of footsteps crunched through the gravel.
“James!” I called, pulling him into a hug as soon as he reached me. “How are you, baby?”
“You know I’m good,” he laughed, his face bright as always. Nothing ever got that guy down.
“Still putting up with this guy?” I asked, jabbing a thumb in Rowan’s direction.
“Absolutely. But I’m pissed at him.”
“Oh?”
“What?!” Rowan scoffed. “Why are you mad at me?”
James plodded over, grabbed the bottom of Rowan’s shirt, and pulled the hem up to his chin, revealing row after row of abs that looked like they’d been sculpted out of marble.
“He told me this morning that he thought he was getting chubby,” James scoffed. “Can you fucking believe that?”
“Rowan,” I replied, shaking my head. “Do me a favor and get on gay time instead of gay self-loathing, okay?”
“But I put on two pounds this past week! My entire business centers around me being fit!”
I reached out a hand, placing it on Rowan’s cheek. “Booboo, you know I love you,” I said, patting him kind of hard. “Fuck off.”
“Thank you,” James sighed. He slipped an arm through mine and the pair of us walked around the house to the back porch. “Get the stuff, Rowan.”
I heard the defeated sigh behind us, and I couldn’t help but laugh. That boy was never going to stop being a big dummy, no matter what he did. Good thing it was adorable.
“So,” James said the moment we were on the porch by ourselves. “I heard you dumped your entire life and moved out here permanently.”
I nodded. “Right to the point, I see. But yeah. I did.”
James put a caring hand on my shoulder. “You okay?”
“I’m…” I started to lie. But then I blew out a long sigh, raking my fingers through my short brown hair. “No. No, I'm not fine.”
“Are you sick?” A hand went to his lips with a gasp. “Are you dying?!”
“God no!” I laughed, waving off his concern. “Nothing like that. I’m just… I don’t know… messed up, I guess.”
“How bad is it?”
“I yelled at a blind man yesterday for running into me,” I said. “So bad enough that I’m snapping at people for no reason.”
“On purpose?”
“No… I mean, yeah, I yelled at him on purpose, but I didn’t know he was blind until afterward.”
James kept a serious expression. “So, what’s wrong?”
Another sigh. “I don’t know. I can’t figure it out. That’s uh… that’s why I asked you guys to come over.”
“Not just a social visit then?”
“It can still be social,” I smiled weakly. “I just need some advice, I guess. From both of you.”
James cocked his head to the side, giving me a good once over. “Whatever it is, we’re gonna figure it out, okay? I know you and I don’t know each other as well as you and Rowan, but I’m still here for you.” He gave me a nudge. “Now that you’re here full time, maybe we can start hanging out, huh?”
“Thanks,” I nodded. “And I’d like that.” I paused for a moment. “You know, leaving all my friends and family back in the city was almost too easy. It was like we were just coasting along without really caring for one another too much.” I glanced up at him, feeling a bit embarrassed by what I was about to say. “But when I thought of you and Rowan, I couldn’t bear the idea of leaving you two behind. That’s when I knew this was the right place to be. If anyone could help me get myself figured out, it’s you two. You… You’re kinda like family to me.”
Without a word, James threw his arms around me and pulled me in tight. My skin buzzed from the contact. It had been a long time since someone who actually gave a shit about me gave me a hug.
“Am I interrupting something?” Rowan asked, standing there with a cooler in his hands. “Are you stealing my boyfriend?”
“God no!” I sputtered. “I’m not that much of a dick!”
“Rowan, shut up and come hug your friend,” James ordered, waving him over.
Rowan dropped the cooler immediately and jogged over, throwing his arms around both of us. “Is something wrong?”
“It was,” I replied, holding them both as a smile pulled at my lips. I felt a rush of affection for the pair and a tear threatened at the corner of my eye. “But it’s getting better already.”
◆◆◆
“One hundred guys,” James said, leaning back in his chair.
We’d just finished eating and I’d taken most of the meal to tell them about my issues and my plans to correct them.
“You’re putting me to shame,” James added, patting his stomach. “I went through a few dozen before I met Rowan. Honestly, I kinda had a similar issue. Everyone wanted to fuck me, but nobody wanted to stick around afterward. I thought it was just because of the twink fantasy, though.”
“Well,” I sighed. “I’m not a twink and I’m a top.”
“Do you have a twelve-inch dick or something?”
I laughed at that. “Thankfully no. It’s over average, but not a trophy dick, by any means. So, I don’t think it’s that.”
James hesitated. “Uh… is your… I don’t mean this to be rude, but is your technique really bad or something?”
“If it is, nobody has ever complained about it,” I shrugged. “Every guy I date wants to fuck all the time, so I feel like I’m doing okay in that department.” I glanced between the pair of them. “Am I ugly? Do I smell? Am I the biggest weirdo ever?”
“You’re not weird,” Rowan replied, shaking his head. “And you know you’re gorgeous. You always have been. Also, the last time you smelled bad was in college after an all-night bender at a frat party.”
“Oh god,” I muttered, the memories making my stomach turn. I’d puked so much that night. “I don’t need to relive that.” I took a moment, raking my fingers through my hair and rubbing my eyes. “So, what’s driving all these guys away? Am I just an insatiable prick? Or maybe my personality is just garbage, I guess…”
“What do they tell you when you break up?”
“Most of them just say they aren’t into it anymore. But the last guy said something I don’t understand.”
“What?”
“ Are you really so blind that you can’t see what kind of guy you are? ” I repeated, the words stinging as they left my lips. “What does that even mean?”
James and Rowan exchanged a knowing look, both of their faces filled with hesitation as they looked back at me.
“What?” I asked, my head snapping back and forth. “What is it you’re afraid to say?”
“I don’t…”
“No,” I said, pointing a finger at Rowan. “Don’t hold back. Tell me!”
“Let me ask you something first,” he said, holding up a hand to stop my retort. “What kind of relationship did you have with this guy? What did you two do?”
“I don’t know,” I shrugged. “We hung out, we fucked, and we went out to clubs together. It was pretty typical. Sometimes he’d spend whole weekends at my place and that’s pretty much all we did.”
“Okay. What did he do for work?”
“He–” I stopped. I didn’t know. “He did something, I’m sure.”
“And what were his aspirations? His dreams?”
“How would I know that?” I retorted. “That’s his business.”
“Did you tell him what your dreams were?”
“No. He didn’t need to know. My dreams are my own. What does that have to do with our relationship?”
“And how long were you dating?”
“Six weeks.”
Rowan and James both nodded as if they understood something.
“What?” I asked in irritation. “Why are you nodding?”
“We’ve talked about this,” James said first. “When Rowan was telling me about you for the first time. He told me that you and I would get along, but he warned me–”
“ Warned ?!”
“Warned me that you were difficult to get close to,” James finished. “That it would probably be a long time before you opened up to me as you’d done with him. And that you might not ever let me in completely.” He gave me a small smile. “I’m glad to see that’s not the case.”
“But you’re doing it to the guys you’re dating,” Rowan added. “You’re shutting them out.”
“No I’m not!” I said in disbelief. “Just because I didn’t ask that guy about his stupid dreams? How is that my fault? If he wanted to talk about them, he should have!”
“Did you make him feel like you would listen if he did?”
“I…” I paused, thinking it over. “I don’t know! How do you even do that?”
“Let me ask you this,” James said, taking over. “Did you ever tell him about you ? Your story, where you came from, or where you wanted to go in this life?”
“I guess not.”
“Why?”
“I don’t know. I guess it just didn’t feel important. I thought having fun and getting along was more important than talking about personal bullshit. Nobody wants to hear me bitch about my baggage, anyway.”
“That stuff is important,” Jame urged, placing a hand on my arm. “It isn’t the sex or the fun that makes people fall in love. It’s the messy stuff that makes them who they are.”
I stared at him, my jaw working but no words came out. Of course, what he said to me rang true and I felt like it was something I already knew . But somehow, without realizing it, I’d been completely ignoring it for a long time. Then again, I’d been through so many guys and so much heartbreak that I probably closed myself off without noticing it.
How long had that been going on?
“I’m gonna add one last thing and then we’ll quit piling it all on you,” Rowan said.
“It’s fine,” I sighed. “Say what you need to, Booboo.”
“You can be… a lot to be around sometimes.”
My brows knitted together. “What the hell does that mean?”
He flinched. “I just mean that… you know… the sass and the rude comments… sometimes it’s a bit much.” He glanced up at me, the wind ruffling his shirt and hair. “Even when I know you’re joking… sometimes I find myself wondering if you like me at all.”
“W-Why didn’t you tell me?”
“Because I knew it would upset you,” he replied. “And it has.”
I leaned back in my chair, tipping my head toward the sky.
I never knew I was such a hassle to be around. Or that I’d encased myself within a wall of ice.
When did that happen?