Chapter 1 #3
“Not yet, yeah?” he murmured, shaking his head. “I’m gonna kiss you.”
“Wait, what?” I asked, jerking back. For some reason, I had not anticipated where this entire scenario was heading.
“You don’t want me to?”
I gaped at him like a fish. Did I want him to? Yes. A thousand times yes. He was the most attractive man I’d ever seen and he was staring at me like he was starving. What I couldn’t understand is why he’d want to.
“No worries,” he said easily, his hands untangling from my hair.
“I do,” I stuttered quickly. “I do want you to kiss me.”
“You sure?” he asked calmly.
Was I? No.
“I’m sure.”
“Alright.” His hands tunneled into the hair behind my ears as he tilted my face toward him, and I held my breath as he leaned closer.
It wasn’t anything like I’d imagined it would be.
His lips didn’t even make contact at first. As his nose slid along the side of mine, nuzzling me, I let out the shaky breath I’d been holding.
His thumbs rubbed my cheeks gently as he paused just centimeters away, and then his lips were on mine and I short-circuited completely.
He moved slowly, his lips barely touching mine, nipping gently and rubbing his tongue along the seam and I felt it everywhere, from my scalp to my toes. As I relaxed into the kiss, reaching out to rest my hands on his stomach, he tilted my head, his tongue slipping into my mouth.
I was stunned. This was what kissing was like? I’d known the logistics of kissing since seventh grade, but I’d never been tempted to let someone put their tongue anywhere near me. It was probably a good thing that I hadn’t known what I was missing.
As his hands left my head and smoothed over my back and down over my butt, I shivered, but I didn’t even consider stopping him.
Every move, every touch, was a revelation.
I hadn’t had any idea what the big deal was.
Sex was clearly fun, lots of people did it even when they weren’t trying to have kids, but I’d just never felt the urge to try it.
I was feeling that urge now and I didn’t pause to question it.
He lifted me onto the hood of his car, shoving my skirt up so he could step in between my knees, and I wrapped my arms around his neck, worried that he would stop kissing me and it would all be over.
I wasn’t ready to go back to real life, not when he was touching me and making every inch of my skin tingle with awareness.
Maybe it was because I was the middle child in a family that lived by the rule that children were seen and not heard, or maybe it was because I’d spent thirteen years of my life walking school hallways like a ghost—overlooked by everyone, or maybe it was just the fact that I was nineteen and I’d lived a sheltered life and now suddenly the world felt like it had broken wide open…
but at no point did I think that we should stop.
For once in my life, consequences felt as distant as the moon.
“You’re so beautiful,” he whispered, running his mouth down my neck, leaving a trail of fire in its wake. “Can I—”
When he started unbuttoning my shirt, I must have completely lost all sense of reality, because I helped him. There was skin under my shirt and I needed his mouth on it.
I didn’t think about what would happen when it was all over.
I didn’t worry about the fact that my parents were definitely looking for me by then or that I was getting in way over my head.
This insanely attractive man was solely focused on me and I never wanted it to end.
Every step of the process happened so gradually that I was dying for the next step and by the time it happened I was ready.
I was completely topless by the time he laid me down across the front seat of his car, my feet dangling out of the open door.
As he sucked on my nipples and his hands swept my skirt to my waist I felt drunk on him, drunk on the feeling of his body pressing against mine and his mouth on my skin.
My mom had warned me that the first time was terrible, but this was the opposite.
My skin was on fire. My heart was racing.
I didn’t even flinch when his fingers trailed up my legs and began to slide delicately over the slippery skin between my thighs. I was so frantic for him by then, stopping was the very last thing on my mind.
I should’ve been nervous. Scared, even.
I wasn’t. For once, I wasn’t afraid of anything. I felt invincible. Beautiful. Wanted.
“Otto,” I breathed, pulling on his shirt.
He leaned back and whipped it over his head and I stared at the muscular chest above me, dimly lit by the bonfire outside. I hadn’t known that people were actually built like that in real life. His muscles had muscles.
I slid my hands down his torso, marveling at the definition and he shuddered as I reached his waistband.
“You sure?” he asked, his hands covering mine.
It was dark, he’d turned off the overhead light when he’d opened the door so we wouldn’t be illuminated for everyone to see, but I could still just barely make out the bulge in the front of his jeans.
I didn’t want to stop. It was the only chance I would ever have and I knew it. What we were doing, the desperation and the need and the overwhelming sensations would never come again. I wanted to see him. I wanted to feel him. I wanted him to be as vulnerable as I was.
“I’m sure,” I said, fumbling with the button on his jeans.
Leaning up as far as I could, I wrapped my hand around him, marveling at the way he shuddered and arched toward me. I felt powerful in that moment, a novelty for someone who’d grown up the way I had.
Then he was reaching into his pocket and pulling out a condom and I was blissfully watching him roll it on, fascinated by the way his forearm tightened as he stroked himself. By the time he leaned down over me and wrapped my legs around his back, I was practically shuddering with need.
Reality hit me like a crushing wave as he thrust forward. He wasn’t abrupt by any means, but he didn’t go slowly either and before I could open my mouth to say a word, he’d broken my hymen and was lodged completely inside me.
“You good?” he whispered in my ear. “This okay?”
What was I supposed to say? No? That it hurt?
That I was pretty sure he’d broken something?
I didn’t want it to be over, even though I knew that for me the magic of the moment had passed.
He was still gently running his fingers over my skin and through my hair that had pooled around my head.
His body was still vibrating with desperation.
“I’m good,” I whispered back, kissing his jawline.
I wasn’t ready to lose his attention. I wasn’t ready for reality.
I stared at the roof of the car, refusing to let the tears in my eyes fall. He was being so gentle, so sweet, whispering how beautiful I was and how good I felt, and all I could think about was how badly it burned every time he moved.
I tightened my legs around his waist as he shuddered and his thrusts became irregular and awkward, holding him tight as he climaxed with a groan.
He pulled out of me and I stifled a moan of relief, lifting my face so he could kiss me softly, his fingers brushing the hair away from my face.
“You okay?” he asked, searching my face.
“I’m good,” I replied, trying to smile. “Why?”
“You didn’t come.”
I stared at him for a moment and then forced out a laugh. “You didn’t notice?”
“You came?”
“Uh, yeah,” I lied, laying my hand on his cheek. “You must not have been paying attention.”
“Not sure how I didn’t notice,” he said, a small smile playing on his lips. “Considerin’ all I can fuckin’ see is you.”
I smiled, not sure what to say. I wanted him to get off me. The knowledge that we’d been missing for a very long time and at any moment my cousin could find us naked in the front seat of his car made my skin break out in a cold sweat. I shivered.
“You cold?” he asked, kissing me once more before pushing up and away from me.
“Yeah,” I said softly, scooting out of the car. I shoved my skirt down over my hips and reached down for my underwear as something dripped down the inside of my thigh. Mortification made my cheeks burn as I hurriedly pulled the underwear on and shuffled them up under my skirt.
“Here, baby,” Otto murmured, reaching out to snag my bra and shirt off the hood of his car. Oh, god, had he already forgotten my name?
I put them on without a word, my hands flying frantically over the buttons. As soon as I was dressed, I reached up and quickly pulled my hair back into a ponytail. “Do you have my bobby pins?” I asked, glancing back at Otto.
He was leisurely buttoning up the flannel he’d been wearing over his T-shirt. I couldn’t even remember when he’d taken it off.
“Oh, shit.” He grimaced, looking toward the front of the car. “I think I dropped them.”
My stomach clenched with anxiety as I hurried toward where we’d been standing, kneeling down so I could run my fingers over the grass and pine needles.
Every fear and anxiety that had disappeared while we were doing…
all of the things we’d been doing, were back in full force.
My panic was so thick it felt like it was choking me.
He lit the ground with a flashlight and I found two of the bobby pins, stuffing them into my hair. That was how Becka and Matt found us.
“What in the world are you doing?” Becka asked, startling me so badly that I yelped.
“I lost a couple bobby pins,” I replied, deciding to stick as close as I could to the truth without actually telling her the truth.
“Why did you take them out in the first place?” she asked, crouching down next to me.
“They were giving me a headache,” I muttered. “I took them out to fix them and he bumped into me and I dropped them.”
I had never been so thankful for the dark in my life. My face felt so hot that I knew my cheeks were beet red.
“Who bumped into you?” Becka looked over at Otto and made a noise in the back of her throat. “Otto Hawthorne?”
“Hey,” Otto said, his voice flat. I glanced at him to see if he was angry that I’d lied, but there was no expression on his face.
“I haven’t seen you in forever,” Becka said, leaning back on her heels. “How have you been?”
“No complaints,” Otto replied.
“You two know each other?” I asked, the bobby pins forgotten.
“Yeah,” Becka said easily. “We hung out a couple times last year.” She glanced over at Matt. “Before me and Matty got together.”
Mortification and betrayal burned in my gut. He’d said he didn’t know her. That he didn’t even recognize her name. Of course he’d been lying. Everyone knew Becka. She was pretty and smart and outgoing and willing to face any consequence as long as she was having fun. But why had he lied?
“Esther,” Otto said quietly, trying to get my attention.
I couldn’t even look at him. He’d seen every part of me. He’d been inside of me. Oh, god. How could I have been so stupid? The full ramifications of what I’d done in the darkness of the forest slammed into me. I didn’t even know him.
“You know my cousin?” Becka asked him in confusion.
“Let’s go, Becka,” I ordered, getting to my feet.
“Esther,” Otto said again, his voice nearly a growl.
“What the hell is going on?” Becka asked.
Matt started to laugh. “No fucking way,” he said, looking back and forth between us. His eyes widened as he sniffed the air. “No fucking way! You fucked the—”
Whatever he’d been about to call me was cut off abruptly when Otto’s fist hit his jaw with a loud thunk and he flew, landing on his back in the dirt.
Becka squeaked in fear.
“Let’s go,” I said, tugging on her arm.
“You got somethin’ to say?” Otto asked, standing over my cousin’s idiot boyfriend.
“No,” Matt mumbled, his voice shaking.
“What the heck is happening?” Becka shook her head in confusion.
“Let’s go,” I repeated, jerking her away. “Come on, we’re already so late.”
“Matt?”
“Go, Becks,” Matt said quietly as he sat up. “You’re gonna get in trouble.”
“Are you okay?”
“Go,” he snapped.
He was embarrassed and being an ass, but I didn’t care. I was just happy that he was telling my cousin to leave. I was on the verge of tears and I wanted to get as far from Otto as possible. Even the fear of facing my parents felt small when compared to having to look him in the face again.
“Fine,” Becka said, taking a step backward. She grabbed my hand and stomped toward her car.
“Can you drive?” I asked, hurrying to keep up with her.
“I had half a beer, I’m fine,” she replied, glancing at me out of the corner of her eye. “You know you’re going to have to tell me what the hell you were doing with Otto Hawthorne, right?”
“He liked my hair,” I said faintly as we reached her car.
I slid into the passenger seat and carefully buckled my seat belt. My hands were shaking.
“And?” Becka asked impatiently as she climbed in beside me.
“He kissed me,” I replied with a shrug.
Becka whooped so loud that a couple of heads by the fire turned to stare.
“My cousin got her first kiss and it was Otto Freaking Hawthorne!” she exclaimed, grinning from ear to ear as she poked me in the side. “Dang, girl, go big or go home.”
Becka was still shaking her head and smiling proudly as she drove us down the mountain. She didn’t even notice the way my entire body shook with leftover nerves or that my hands were clenched so tightly in my lap that by the time I got home my nails had left little bloody half-circles on my palms.