Chapter 16
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
Tori
O h crap. This was really happening.
Well, it was really happening tomorrow, but tonight was the rehearsal.
Our immediate families were here in the hotel’s banquet hall, and everyone was pitching in to get the place arranged and decorated.
The hotel had several staff members helping us out, and we carted in boxes of homemade centerpieces, silk flowers for the chairs and altar, and place cards for dinner.
Chairs were arranged in rows facing the white archway. Tables were set up near the dancefloor.
It was all starting to look like an actual, legit, legal wedding would take place here tomorrow.
Gulp.
At least my aunt wasn’t here. I didn’t even know if she’d be coming tomorrow—she hadn’t bothered to RSVP one way or the other—but I was too nervous and stressed right now to deal with her.
Unfortunately, my grandmother had insisted on coming.
According to my dad, she was worried about my other grandmother getting to take part in the processional, and she’d damn well better get to join in.
Ugh. Whatever. She hadn’t yet expressed any of her opinions about the impending nuptials, but she sure had a few about the venue and décor.
“Why on earth would you use cheap fake flowers instead of real ones?” She scoffed and shook her head as she watched my sister-in-law attaching a small arrangement to an end chair. “That’s tacky, Victoria.”
I smiled even as I gritted my teeth. “Our bouquets are both made of real flowers.”
“But those look cheap .”
“They were cheap. Less than a hundred bucks, and just some time spent putting them together while we watched TV.” I shrugged indifferently. “I think they look fine.”
She tutted and looked around, probably searching for something else to pick apart. I was about to bow out under the pretense of doing… literally anything, but then something behind me caught her attention. Grandma’s expression shifted to one of abject horror, and she touched her hand to her chest.
I turned around, and—oh. Got it.
Marco had just strolled in with his hand on Derrick’s elbow.
And a second later, I realized he was also wearing a pair of plastic devil horns. I fought back a laugh and told her, “I’m going to go say hi to?—”
“Is that him?” she growled. “The Satanic minister?”
“Satanic priest , Grandma,” I said over my shoulder as I headed his way. I didn’t hear what she called after me. Probably just as well. When I got to Marco, I rolled my eyes. “You asshole,” I laughed as I hugged him.
“What?” He chuckled. “Did you think I wouldn’t?”
“You’re going to give her grandma a heart attack,” Ava said before accepting a hug from him. “You could’ve at least waited until the videographer was here.”
“Pfft. Everyone has phones.”
Ava and I laughed, rolling our eyes. We exchanged hugs with Derrick as well.
“I assume that’s the disapproving granny?” He tilted his head subtly in her direction.
My back was to her, so I just asked, “Is she glaring at you?”
His brow furrowed, and he drew away from his husband as he grimaced. “Kind of looks like she’s trying to kill you with her mind, baby.”
Marco grinned and wrapped an arm around Derrick. “If she does, I’m taking you with me.”
“No! No!” Derrick squirmed out of his grasp. “I’m here for cake, not old lady hex magic.”
Ava and I were both giggling. So was Marco. Derrick kept a straight face, but his eyes were sparkling.
“So.” Marco clapped, then rubbed his hands together. “Are we ready to rehearse?”
My humor instantly vanished, and a rock took my stomach’s place. Oh, crap. It was time, wasn’t it? We were doing this.
Apparently my shock didn’t register on my face, because Marco barreled on. He was carrying a small bag, and from that, he pulled out printed copies of the ceremony we’d all agreed on.
“Why don’t you two look that over and make sure nothing has changed?”
In silence, Ava and I skimmed the pages.
There were no surprises or anything—it was the exact text we’d finalized a couple of weeks ago.
But tomorrow’s date was written across the top.
Where there’d been placeholders before, our names were printed now.
I could almost hear Marco reading all these words, and I could hear Ava reciting her part. I could hear myself…
God, could I do this? Could I really hold her hands and look in her eyes and smile as I said all those things about ’til death do we part and in sickness and in health?
Could I say them, knowing it was all a lie? Because as I read them again and again… I wanted to mean them.
I wanted Ava to mean them.
But that wasn’t why we were here, and it wasn’t what we were doing, and suddenly everyone was taking their places to run through the processional and ceremony.
Oh shit. We were doing this? Not actually for real, but also, in a way…
for real? Because we’d be doing it all and saying it all in front of our friends and family, with no one knowing the truth except the two of us, Marco, and any higher power who happened to be watching.
What the hell am I doing? I stole a glance at Ava. Would you still want to do this if you knew I wanted to do more than pantomime marrying you?
But that was stupid. We hadn’t even dated. We’d just…
Lived together.
Been there for each other through the best and worst times in our lives.
Leaned on each other.
Shared our deepest fears and biggest dreams and darkest secrets and silliest fantasies.
“How exactly are you two not dating?” my older brother had asked a lifetime ago. “Like if you were dating, what specifically would you be doing differently?”
I’d answered him jokingly, but now his question burrowed deep beneath my skin.
What would be different? Physical intimacy, of course. I had no idea what that would be like with Ava.
My lips tingled, and I pressed them together as the memory of her kiss raised goose bumps along my spine. No, I had no idea what sex with Ava would be like, but if her kiss was any indication…
God, I wanted to know.
But I didn’t, and I wasn’t going to, and I would be saying “I do” with my fingers crossed tomorrow even though I really fucking did.
Going through these motions carved an icy void into the pit of my stomach.
Walking down the aisle together. Standing at the altar.
Reciting the vows. We were just practicing for now—just running through the ceremony so it would be smooth tomorrow—but it was almost the real thing.
The real wedding that wasn’t actually real.
Where I’d pretend to marry the woman I loved.
The woman I really, truly, honestly loved, but somehow I had to?—
“Tori?” Ava inclined her head. “You okay?”
“Yeah. Yeah, I’m…” I laughed nervously as heat rushed into my face and bile tried to climb the back of my throat. “Just a lot of pressure.”
She smiled and squeezed my hands. “It’s just the rehearsal. No pressure right now.”
Easy for you to say.
“I think I just need a drink.” I gestured around us at all the decorations we’d helped arrange. “It’s been a day!”
Her easy laugh made my balance waver.
Do you have any idea how beautiful you are?
My head was spinning so fast, I almost missed her saying, “I could use some water myself.” She clapped her hands in the air. “All right, everyone! Take a break!”
No one objected, and I was grateful for a chance to catch my breath and wet my parched throat.
It wasn’t enough, though. I still couldn’t get my thoughts in order and reconcile what we were doing with what I wanted.
It wasn’t that I’d suddenly developed an aversion to pretending we were getting married.
It was that pretending to get married to Ava shined a very harsh light on some feelings I’d been trying desperately to ignore.
It didn’t matter that I’d resolved to tell her after everything had wound down.
It didn’t matter that we were doing this for reasons that were bigger than us.
Now I was suddenly looking down the barrel of actually saying “I do,” and I wasn’t so sure I did. Not like this.
I don’t want to say “I do” to make your mom happy.
I want to say “I do” to you.
I want to mean it.
Damn it. There was no turning back, though. Not without hurting Ava. Not without hurting Gail. Not without doing damage I wasn’t sure I could undo.
But going forward—couldn’t that also do the same damn thing?
I needed to think. I needed some air .
Right then, Ava was talking with her mom and aunt, so I slipped outside to the courtyard.
There wasn’t enough air out here either, but it would have to do.
I walked the flagstone paths and took some long, deep breaths, willing myself to get my shit together.
It was too late to back out of this, but I was in too deep to go through with it.
What was I supposed to do with that? Was there even any point in telling Ava what was on my mind?
Because there was no going back to normal after I said “I’m in love with you. ” There just wasn’t.
The chatter of people amplified inside the venue for a moment, then was muffled again—the door must’ve opened and then closed. There were footsteps out here now, so I wasn’t alone anymore. Damn it.
I closed my eyes and took a deep breath as I set my shoulders back. The last thing I needed was someone—anyone—seeing me this close to falling apart.
“Tori?” The sound of Marco’s voice gave me a sense of both relief and dread. He wouldn’t judge me or give me shit for being a mess right now, but he’d probably talk some sense into me that I wasn’t ready to hear.
Steeling myself, I turned around. I had no idea what he saw in my expression, but he halted, his lips parting. Even the plastic devil horns on his head couldn’t make me laugh.