Chapter 1 #2
As soon as I started the car, he fumbled for the radio.
Predictably, it warbled Christmas hits, and he happily sang along—no sense of pitch, all heart, and absolutely no shame.
He’d always been like that, from the day we’d met when his family moved into town.
Nearly two decades ago, wow. He’d waved at me from his bedroom window that faced mine, then proceeded to clamber out onto the roof, no fear, no plan, just raw energy.
He’d been the brightest person I’d ever met. Still was.
After half a verse, I gave in and joined him and Michael Bublé, tapping the steering wheel in time to the beat.
“That’s it,” Kieran told me with a nod and a beaming smile. “Feel the Christmas love.”
“Shut it,” I said and didn’t mean it at all.
Mariah Carey was up next because of course. I really needed a cheesy reminder of things that rang rather too true, like how all I wanted for Christmas was… yeah, well.
It wasn’t like… God. If I told Kieran, he wouldn’t end our friendship—nothing like that.
No, he’d be nice about it. He’d hug me, maybe even kiss my cheek, his eyes big and sad as he apologised for how he loved me, just not like that.
And then he’d go back to London, carefully cradling my poor, stupid heart close to his chest.
No, thanks.
He turned the volume up a notch and threw his head back to belt out the lyrics. After a deep breath, I pushed my wistful thoughts aside and joined him, mirroring his grin right back at him.
This was enough.
The tree was taller than I’d planned—by about six fucking feet, thank you very much, Kieran. Its entire left side looked like it had lost a fight with a lawnmower, which he argued made it just perfect because we could move it closer to the wall so it wouldn’t take over my entire living room.
God, I was such a pushover.
Admittedly, though, the result wasn’t half bad once we’d forced the tree through the doorway and angled it just right. Or maybe that was the Bailey’s talking.
I took another sip and stepped back to assess our work. “Passable.”
“Such praise.” Kieran flattened a hand against his chest, a wry smile curling the corners of his lips.
“Let’s get the decorations sorted, and I might upgrade it to ‘pleasant,’” I said.
“That’s because you insisted on gold and blue baubles. I maintain that the rainbow ones would have let us shoot for fabulous.”
“What’s this—Straight Eye for the Queer Guy?
” I asked. At the odd quirk of his mouth, I continued quickly, before he could get in some quip about how he’d be happy to give me some pointers, straight from Dr Love.
I did just fine, thanks—had even made it a point to pull where he could see, once in a while, so he would have no reason to suspect I was hung up on him.
“Speaking of guys who need a make-over, when’s Dom getting in? ”
“Mean, Ash.” Kieran shook his head with just the tiniest of grins.
“Hey, nothing I haven’t said to his face.
” I had, at that. Dom had been late in joining our circle of friends, dragged in by Kieran when the two of them bonded over wanting to study medicine.
I’d been a jealous prick until Kieran sat me down and told me that I was his best mate, so if I truly had a problem with Dom, he’d choose me—always.
I’d felt like a proper tool and apologised to Dom the next day.
Nowadays, it was mostly good-natured ribbing between us.
“His curtain fringe looks like he’s three lads short of a boy band reunion. ”
Kieran’s laugh warmed me more than the booze. “Okay, fair. He’s working tonight—last shift before the break. Taking the train home in the morning.”
“You know, I may be missing out on the fancy title, but at least my work doesn’t include all-nighters.”
Another laugh as Kieran bumped our shoulders together. “Yeah, trust me, the glamour fades fast when you’re wearing scrubs covered in God-knows-what and sleeping in broom closets during a 12-hour shift.”
“Any regrets?” I asked softly.
He paused for a sip of Bailey’s, then exhaled. “No. Just a bit tired, but I know it won’t always be like this.” He shook it off and smiled. “But enough about me. What’s new with you?”
I set about unravelling the string of lights, new and tangle-free—the opposite of what they’d look like in January, when I’d inevitably find them knotted beyond reason. No Kieran to help me take them down.
“Thinking about getting a dog,” I said. “Been reading up on it a little. It’s a big time commitment, especially if it’s one from a shelter—they may need quite some attention and care at first. But with what I do, I could bring a dog along for most of my day, so I think it could work.”
“Oooh.” Kieran turned it into a sentence all on its own, eyes bright. “Can I come with you? Unless, uh.” Hesitation flashed across his face. “Unless you’re gonna go with... what’s his name?”
It took me a moment to realise who he meant, then I snorted. “Paige? Ah, no—he broke it off.”
“Oh.” Kieran’s voice dropped slightly, a strange tilt to it. “I’m sorry. Are you okay? Why didn’t you say something?”
Because you were half the reason.
“Just forgot.” I let out a chuckle. “And I’m fine. I really wasn’t that invested.”
Kieran plucked one end of the fairy lights from my grasp so we could wind them around the tree. “Still,” he said. “What a twat. Any guy should be tripping over himself to date you.”
I twisted my lips into a half-grin. “Thanks. Don’t think you’re a qualified judge, though, given you’re straight and all.”
“Yeah, about that.” Kieran shifted his weight, gaze flicking from the tree to me. He didn’t finish, which—huh?
“About what?” I asked.
“I kind of, um.” He paused. “Like—kissed a guy. A couple of weeks ago.”
My mind whited out for a second because he—he’d—what? But... “Like, for a laugh?” I frowned, stupid heart thumping against my ribs. “Not cool, Kieran. Hardly fair to the poor bloke.”
“It was Dom.” While light, Kieran’s tone betrayed a hint of caution. “There was mistletoe, people were egging us on.”
“Dom?” I echoed.
“Well, yeah. Just, someone dared us, so we did. But I kind of...” Kieran made a vague, swirl-around gesture with his hand. His gaze skittered from me to the tree and back. “I kind of liked it? So it—you know. It made me think.”
My centre of gravity felt off, jerked a foot to the left. “You liked kissing Dom.”
“Not him specifically,” Kieran corrected quickly, rushed. “It was literally two seconds. Plus, he’s straight, so that would be a pretty dumb move.”
Well, thanks—I was aware. Except, was Kieran implying that he…
? Christ. I clutched the string of lights in my hand and couldn’t quite look at him.
“Kieran, you’ve been dating girls since you were fourteen.
Tons of them.” Not the point, just my jealousy on display.
I shook it off. “And now you’re telling me you’re… ”
“Bi,” he finished quietly. “I think so, anyway.”
My stomach lurched, like I’d missed a step on the staircase and was about to go tumbling down, head over feet. “You think so.”
“It just never occurred to me before.” He sounded hesitant, shoulders hunched in just a little, and fuck, I needed to be a better friend. If this was true, not just a feverish projection of my wayward brain…
I inhaled and forced a smile that felt slightly off, made myself meet his eyes despite the strange rush in my ears. “Okay. That’s… big, of course. You’re sure about this?”
“I mean, I haven’t exactly—like, it’s pretty new.” He needlessly straightened a branch. “Haven’t even kissed a bloke—not for real, anyway. And I don’t want just a casual hook-up, so…”
My mouth went dry. “Thought that’s your specialty? Casual flings that fizzle out.”
“Pot, meet kettle.” His gentle tone was layered with a strange tightness. “But, no. What I mean is—just, I’d like my first time to be with someone I trust. First time with a guy, that is. Like, you know.” He stopped as if waiting for something, then added, “It’s kind of a big deal, right?”
The swirl of his aftershave made my blood buzz with something like motion sickness. Was this—no. Or…?
I looped a string of lights around the lower part of the tree, anything to busy my hands. The flat was too damn quiet around us. “So you’re looking to date a bloke?”
He let out a low, uncertain chuckle. “I guess so? Yeah. So, know anyone who’s available?”
My heart was hammering, and if I read between the lines… Maybe, yeah. God. Maybe he was offering, and it made my vision swim a little because, fuck, I’d been in love with him for… for years. Years. I couldn’t be just some experiment for him, a way to test the waters without getting wet.
I must have been silent for too long because he started talking again, a few pine needles drifting to the floor when he hung the first bauble.
“I mean, honestly though. It’s all just kind of new, you know?
Like, with girls, I know how it works. But with guys, I don’t really.
..” His jaw twitched as he studied the curve of the tree, then shot me a quick glance.
“I’m not even sure how to tell if someone’s interested. ”
“Um,” I said with pointed emphasis because, seriously? “Easy. They’re less than straight, and you’re you. Tall, handsome, doctor in training...” Okay, fuck, too much. Time to backtrack. “Ideally, they haven’t seen you snort orange juice through your nose when you were ten.”
“What—you saying that’s not an attractive look for me?” His tone was easy, but I didn’t miss the way his gaze flickered away. So he’d… He had been coming on to me. Maybe—probably? Bloody hell, this was... God, I didn’t even know. I needed to fix my face, not look so... something, whatever.
“Look, I’m just saying, like...” I hesitated for a beat, then patted his shoulder. Awkward. Kieran and I were never awkward. “Guys tend to be pretty obvious, and if you want to date someone first, I’m sure you’ll find plenty of willing candidates.”
And I’d want to strangle every single one of them with my bare hands, but that was neither here nor there. I couldn’t be his gay experiment. Not when I knew he’d head back to London after Christmas, leaving me behind with the sudden knowledge of how it felt to almost have him.
“Well, maybe.” He gave me a lopsided smile. “But I don’t fancy swiping left or right in some stupid app.”
“You know there are places you can go to, right? They’re called gay bars.”
“I just... I don’t know.” He lifted a shoulder, intent on putting up another bauble. “I wouldn’t even know what to wear.”
I tried for a smirk. “Ideally? As little as possible.”
It drew a small laugh from him before he sobered again, gaze finding mine. Hesitating. “I’d probably look like an idiot wandering in by myself, though.”
“Kieran.” I shook my head. “You’re the kind of guy who walks into a party knowing not a single person, and an hour later, you’re friends with everyone.”
“No, that’s Dom.”
“Fair. But, look. If you really are that worried, I can be your wingman, if you want. Show you the ropes.”
Oh no.
Oh no.
Sometimes, my mouth moved faster than my brain. This was one of those times, because had I really just...? Yeah. Bloody hell.
“My wingman?” He sounded about as surprised as I felt, but in for a penny, in for a pound.
I reached for a nonchalant grin and slapped it onto my face.
“Sure. We can hit some bar in Newcastle, and I’ll point out all the guys who are interested.
Which will be most of them, just so we’re clear.
” My gut cramped. Wow, look at that—my brand-new masochistic streak in all its glory.
“Give you a proper confidence boost before you head back to London and find yourself a guy.”
He studied me for a second, then ducked his head. “You wouldn’t mind?”
I’ll hate every fucking second.
The walls felt too small, my chest cracked wide open.
I’d just—God. I’d just shot him down, hadn’t I?
Kind of. My best friend, the guy I’d been in love with since I understood what it meant, and he’d pretty much implied that he was interested.
But he probably just wanted a safe first time, and I was the nearest safe person.
“It’s no big deal,” I said. “Could do tomorrow night, before our get-together with the lads on the twenty-third?”
He downed the rest of his Bailey’s and set the glass aside, then shot me a smile tinged with determination. “Okay, sounds good. Let’s do it.”
I smiled back and fought the urge to bang my head against the wall.