15. Opal
FIFTEEN
Opal
“ D o you want to talk about it?”
He blinks, his eyes focused on the clouds slowly moving above us. “Not really.”
Our field is full of flowers now. Bluebonnets, Indian paintbrush, and black eyed susans create a mosaic of color around our bodies as we lay splayed out on the old quilt I stole from my linen closet. There’s a slight breeze that whips through Alex’s hair, sending the scent of his cologne through the air.
“We don’t have to talk about it. I just wanted to say I’m sorry she did that to you.”
“I’m not sure what else I expected.”
I turn towards him to see a blank and withdrawn look on his face. “You didn’t deserve it.”
“No, but I knew the relationship wouldn’t last, and deep down I knew she wasn’t a great person.”
My brow furrows, but somewhere deep in my gut I feel a sense of satisfaction. I wondered if he’d be heartbroken, hoping she’d take him back. The fact that he isn’t is a relief. “Then why’d you stay with her for so long?”
He shakes his head. “I don’t know.” He wipes a hand down his face. “Do you ever just feel like you’re going through the motions while you wait for your real life to begin? I think that’s what I was doing with Brooke.”
I purse my lips together. “Not really, to be honest.”
“What do you see in your future? After college I mean.”
The question catches me off guard. “I’m not sure. I mean, I’d love to make money doing something I love, like writing. But realistically? Probably working in an office.”
He lets out a quick laugh. “That sounds awful to me.”
I also laugh because I can’t imagine him working in an office either. He’s too creative, abstract. I’m more analytical, more methodical. “And eventually I want to get married. Definitely have a kid one day. I’d even be happy with just being a mom for a while, but I want a career too.”
His brows raise slightly, still staring up at the sky, but he doesn’t say anything.
“And you?” I prod.
“I don’t know. I guess I want that too, but doesn’t it scare you? Being stuck? Being responsible for another person?”
“I can’t say that it does, I’d rather be married to my best friend than go through life alone.” My heart starts pounding faster suddenly when I realize what I said. Best friend.
I guess it doesn’t matter much, we aren’t that close anymore, can I really still call him my best friend?
His eyes slide over to me then, and I meet their intense green gaze. For a moment he says nothing, and my heart just keeps booming in my chest. “I just figure I’d fuck it up. Being alone seems easier.”
I let out a whoosh of relief that he didn’t question the meaning behind my words. “You wouldn’t. I’m sure you’ll be great no matter what you choose to do with your life, look how far you’ve already gotten.”
He rests his head in his laced hands and stares up at the clouds again, squinting now that the sun is beginning to pop out. “I think sometimes I want to start my real life now, but I’m scared.”
“Scared of what?” My brows twist together, and I roll over onto my stomach.
“Rejection,” he sighs.
I start to laugh, but then I remember what school was like for him today. A lot of the people that were his friends before have turned their backs on him, of course he feels rejected. “Then fuck those people.”
He doesn’t look at me, but he shakes his head slowly as he sighs. “There’s only one person whose opinion I really care about.”
“Who?” I whisper.
“You.”
My brow crinkles. “What do you mean?”
He lets out a long breath. “You’re perfect, Opal. You’ve shown me nothing but kindness, even when I didn’t deserve it. You’re smart and full of wisdom beyond your years, but you never make others feel bad for knowing less than you.” He pauses, and I can feel my heartbeat in my ears. “And you’re beautiful.” His eyes shift over to mine, a glint of vulnerability shining in their green depths. The long grass around us reflects off of them, turning them a peridot shade.
“I-I am?” I stutter.
He nods. “And I know that your friendship is more than I could ever deserve, in this lifetime or any other.”
I turn my head towards him. “That isn’t true,” my voice is scratchy, my throat dry and constricted. It feels like all of the air in the atmosphere has disappeared. My heart races like I just ran a marathon, but I’m frozen in place. “I’d never reject you, Alex.”
He rolls over onto his side, and now our bodies are mere inches apart, I can feel his breaths softly graze against my face. “Then you won’t mind if I do this,” it isn’t phrased like a question, more like a statement that he’s convincing himself of.
His hand caresses my face, and before I can fully comprehend the situation, his lips are on mine. Soft, paper-light, like a hummingbird’s wings. Soft like he’s afraid that he may break me if he kisses me harder. But everywhere his lips touch, a blaze of fire breaks out upon my skin. My body buzzes, every cell wishing this moment will never end.
More, more, more.
His tongue peeks out, swiping gently over my bottom lip, and I let out a soft, barely-audible moan. The sound spurs him on, and he pulls me closer, crushing his lips harder onto mine.
It’s…wow. It’s more than I expected. It’s everything I expected. It’s everything a first kiss should be, and so much more.
When he pulls his lips away, I’m still begging for more, but the two of us are both gasping for air. His breaths fan across my puffy lips, his eyes staring into mine.
I can’t find words, still searching for air as he softly runs his thumb across my lips. “I want to spend my life with my best friend, too,” he says. My eyes widen, my heart caught in my throat. “But I’m scared.”
I blink a few times, my mind still blurry and not quite coherent. “What scares you?” My voice sounds unfamiliar, higher and breathless.
“Losing you. Getting hurt.” He sits up, holding his knees against his chest, and I do the same. He scoots closer to me, so that our arms are touching.
My lips twist nervously. “You’ll never lose me. We’re best friends, we always will be.” My words come out in a rush, almost desperate sounding. I don’t want to sound desperate. I want to sound breezy and nonchalant, but I’m learning quickly that’s not how I react to situations like this.
He lets out a shaky breath. “I’ve been thinking about leaving.”
My heart speeds up again, but this time it doesn’t feel good, it feels panicky. “What do you mean? Leaving to go where?”
“Just…away. I’m going to be seventeen this fall, I could legally quit school and get a job somewhere.” He blinks a couple of times, his eyes focused on the tree line in the distance. “Maybe find a way to play music for people, I don’t know.”
My stomach sinks, and it makes me wonder how only a few seconds ago I felt like I was flying. Now, I feel like I’ve fallen from the sky and I’m six feet underground.
“Oh,” is all I can manage.
“But I want you to come with me. I don’t want to be without you. I figured out what that was like and it sucked.” His eyes shut tightly, almost like he’s wincing in pain. “I can’t imagine my life without you in it.”
“I can’t imagine not graduating together,” I throw back. The thought of it makes me slightly sick, we’ve done everything together since we met. Well, minus his time spent with Brooke. Other than that, we’ve been attached at the hip. I can’t imagine going through the next two years of high school without him by my side. “I can’t just quit school, Alex. What would I do, leave my family? Why would I even want to do that?”
He looks at me again, his eyes bearing a broken expression. Rays of sun shine down on his tan skin, his brown freckles already look a little darker than they did this morning. “You’re right,” he says, shaking his head. “I’m sorry.”
What exactly is he sorry for? Kissing me? Making me feel like he actually cared before telling me he wants to move away and drop out of school?
Tears begin to sting my eyelids, but I refuse to let them fall, I’m not that weak. Not over a boy who’s just supposed to be my friend anyway.
“It’s fine,” I clip. “Don’t worry about it.” I push myself up off the blanket and start walking across the field toward my house. I wait for him to stop me, call out my name, something. But he doesn’t.
My heart crumbles in my chest, weighed down by massive, crushing disappointment.