40. Alex
FORTY
Alex
S till in complete shock, I pace the floor of my bedroom. I tried to get Opal to come inside and talk with me some more, but she refused, claiming that she needed to get back home to her grandma.
I reach for my phone and tap on Dax’s name in my recent calls list. The line rings three times, and I’m about to hang up, figuring he’s still asleep. It is still early as fuck.
“Hello?” His voice isn’t groggy like I expect it to be, so I guess that means he was already awake, thankfully.
“Hey.”
“How’s it going, man?”
I rub the back of my neck. “I’m…okay.” My voice is weak, it sounds unfamiliar even to me.
“That doesn’t sound very convincing,” he chuckles. “What’s up?”
Ever since the day we met in Austin, Dax has been a big part of my life. He’s one of my closest friends, but in a way he’s more like a brother now. He’s six years older than me and I’ve always looked up to him, even before we ever met.
Not only did he help me grow immensely as an artist, he could also relate to my experience as a queer person growing up in a rural area. Without him, I’m not sure how I would’ve gotten through these past few years.
“I’m dealing with some shit.”
He’s silent for a moment. “Do you need me to come up there?”
“Nah, man. You don’t need to do that.”
He and his partner recently adopted a kid, he stepped back from touring about a year before I did so he could focus on his family. The last thing he probably needs is to get distracted by my bullshit.
“I’m here for you, you know that. Is it your dad?”
“Uh, not really.” I hadn’t even considered the fact that I’m going to have to explain this whole situation to my father before too long. I have no idea what kind of reaction to expect from him.
“What’s going on?”
“Opal is pregnant.”
I’m met with silence on the other end of the line. He knows the saga of Opal and I’s relationship better than most. For months he listened to my drunken tangents about how badly I fucked up, until he finally told me I needed to move on and stop throwing a pity party.
“Damn. I’m sorry, dude… but it’s been a long time, it was bound to happen.”
I let out a long sigh. My thoughts are so disorganized. “By me. She’s pregnant by me.”
“Wait, what? Really?”
“Yes.”
“Is that…a good thing?” His voice is hesitant.
“Well, right now it doesn’t seem like she has any interest in fixing our relationship, if that’s what you’re asking.”
“Huh.” He’s silent for a few seconds. This is what I appreciate most about Dax, he isn’t like most people, he takes the time to think before he speaks, and he doesn’t involve himself in other people’s business unless he’s asked to be. “How do you feel about it?”
“About getting back together?”
“Mhm.”
“I want to.” My answer comes instantly, without thought. Knowing that she isn’t with that dude anymore, of course I’d want to get her back regardless. But knowing she’s carrying my child changes everything, I have to figure out a way to make it work. “More than anything. I just don’t know what to do.”
“My advice? Don’t push her. Show her that you’ve changed. If it’s meant to work out then it will.”
“Yeah…” I stare up at the ceiling of my childhood bedroom, feeling about as hopeless as I did the first day I moved in here.
“And don’t drink.”
I roll my eyes. “Wasn’t planning on it.” Another reason I look up to Dax so much is that he’s sober, unlike most of the musicians I‘ve worked with. He has been for almost ten years now.
“It’ll work out. Call me if you need me.”
“Thanks,” I’m not convinced at all, but I know there’s nothing more he can say or do to change it. “Talk to you later, man.”
I disconnect the call, tossing my phone onto my side table. Everything about my life has changed in the span of an hour. I’m going to be a father. Something I never truly imagined I would be.
It’s not like I never considered the possibility of having a family with Opal. I knew it was what she wanted, and I knew I’d eventually make it happen, had we stayed together… but I never took the time to really picture it.
My own example of what a father looks like isn’t what I’d hope to replicate, but I really don’t have any other frame of reference. My family is so far removed from the norm that I hardly feel like I can call it a family.
Memories of my brother flick through my mind like a slideshow in sepia tone.
Playing catch together on a sunny day in the backyard. The two of us baking cookies with mom on Christmas Eve. A distant memory of all four of us on a family road trip to some unknown destination.
It feels like a completely different lifetime, one that I never lived, but rather just dreamed about. Remembering is painful, it’s always been easier for me to forget.
Sighing, I stuff my phone in my pocket along with my keys and head towards my van. I may not have any fucking clue what I’m doing, but I do know one thing, I have to prove to Opal I’m not who I used to be. And that means I have to grow up. Fast.